To start, here is a log from my journal.
Pure Radio Rental
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Off course, of course.
Posts: 952
To start, here is a log from my journal.
December 29, 2007
On Christmas day, I decided to stop drinking (again). I never make a plan to do this, I just decide I need to walk away from it. Many times I stopped because I made myself sick and that smacks the reality into me that I have overdone it. I can’t count how many times I have had to “detox” when I stop cold turkey. I had a mild detox this time around, it was coupled with the holiday and the grind of my life. My body screams – “time for a rest, friend…” It’s a miserable couple of days at first.
This past year, I noticed an increasing pattern of recklessness in myself, and an increase in my anxieties and general low moods. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was in a downward spiral, and if I didn’t change my habits, I was going to hit rock – bottom, and ruin everything I have. And everything I have includes D*****, who I almost lost, and should have lost, during that "dark" period of my life a few summers ago.
So, I began withdrawing into myself, and I started carrying a box of wine in my truck. One day, I just stopped by the liquor store as I usually did, for some wine to bring home. But this time, I had had a terrible morning at work, and was extremely agitated.
I had this great idea to drive over to 7-11 and buy a soda so I could get a cup. I poured out the soda, and drank the wine in my truck, (probably 2 cups, I don’t remember). I went back to work calmed and in a better mood.
Thus began a vicious cycle that has been going on for months- and just until recently, I always had a cup and a box of wine in my truck. And it wasn’t just for lunch anymore. I was hitting it before I left the driveway at 7:30 in the morning. Then I’d hit it at lunch. Then during the ride home. Then I would drink at home or after playing hockey or working on the house or whatever it was I was doing. It was becoming a habit, and a bad one. I was hiding it from D*****, I was hiding it from everyone. If I saw a cop on the road while driving I would panic. I was always looking in my rear view mirror. I was living the life of an addict. I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t seem to care. Drinking seemed to ease the pain and hollowness that I was feeling, it made me deal with the general public better- I got less agitated at work, and I've been a working musician most of my life, and I rarely ever went through a gig without drinking.
No one was complaining, so I felt it couldn’t be that bad. I was distancing myself from everyone and everything. What in my life was so bad that I felt I had to try and live like this? I began to wonder.
The fact was, my life was not so bad at all.
And exactly what I always feared would happen, was happening. It wasn’t a pleasure anymore, it was becoming a habit- a pointless, dangerous, selfish habit. I was following in the footsteps of my Grandfather, in a way.
I am so fortunate to be sitting here, free and clear, instead of in jail or dead with everything that means so much to me lost. If I had kept it up, that’s where I would have been. My luck was gonna run out eventually, and I started to feel like I didn’t have much left.
So here I am, day 8, thinking I don't know too much about tomorrow, but I feel a hell of alot better today.
I look forward to being part of the community. I want to take this as far as I can. I am determined.
Reading posts here has helped me very much already. Thanks to all of you.
On Christmas day, I decided to stop drinking (again). I never make a plan to do this, I just decide I need to walk away from it. Many times I stopped because I made myself sick and that smacks the reality into me that I have overdone it. I can’t count how many times I have had to “detox” when I stop cold turkey. I had a mild detox this time around, it was coupled with the holiday and the grind of my life. My body screams – “time for a rest, friend…” It’s a miserable couple of days at first.
This past year, I noticed an increasing pattern of recklessness in myself, and an increase in my anxieties and general low moods. It wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was in a downward spiral, and if I didn’t change my habits, I was going to hit rock – bottom, and ruin everything I have. And everything I have includes D*****, who I almost lost, and should have lost, during that "dark" period of my life a few summers ago.
So, I began withdrawing into myself, and I started carrying a box of wine in my truck. One day, I just stopped by the liquor store as I usually did, for some wine to bring home. But this time, I had had a terrible morning at work, and was extremely agitated.
I had this great idea to drive over to 7-11 and buy a soda so I could get a cup. I poured out the soda, and drank the wine in my truck, (probably 2 cups, I don’t remember). I went back to work calmed and in a better mood.
Thus began a vicious cycle that has been going on for months- and just until recently, I always had a cup and a box of wine in my truck. And it wasn’t just for lunch anymore. I was hitting it before I left the driveway at 7:30 in the morning. Then I’d hit it at lunch. Then during the ride home. Then I would drink at home or after playing hockey or working on the house or whatever it was I was doing. It was becoming a habit, and a bad one. I was hiding it from D*****, I was hiding it from everyone. If I saw a cop on the road while driving I would panic. I was always looking in my rear view mirror. I was living the life of an addict. I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t seem to care. Drinking seemed to ease the pain and hollowness that I was feeling, it made me deal with the general public better- I got less agitated at work, and I've been a working musician most of my life, and I rarely ever went through a gig without drinking.
No one was complaining, so I felt it couldn’t be that bad. I was distancing myself from everyone and everything. What in my life was so bad that I felt I had to try and live like this? I began to wonder.
The fact was, my life was not so bad at all.
And exactly what I always feared would happen, was happening. It wasn’t a pleasure anymore, it was becoming a habit- a pointless, dangerous, selfish habit. I was following in the footsteps of my Grandfather, in a way.
I am so fortunate to be sitting here, free and clear, instead of in jail or dead with everything that means so much to me lost. If I had kept it up, that’s where I would have been. My luck was gonna run out eventually, and I started to feel like I didn’t have much left.
So here I am, day 8, thinking I don't know too much about tomorrow, but I feel a hell of alot better today.
I look forward to being part of the community. I want to take this as far as I can. I am determined.
Reading posts here has helped me very much already. Thanks to all of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Hi Dan,
Welcome and congratulations on Day 8!
Yes, alcoholism is most definitely a progressive disease and will continue to worsen, unless we stop it. And, addiction enslaves us and traps us in a downward spiral. But, you can recover and move forward. I hope you keep reading and posting.
Welcome and congratulations on Day 8!
Yes, alcoholism is most definitely a progressive disease and will continue to worsen, unless we stop it. And, addiction enslaves us and traps us in a downward spiral. But, you can recover and move forward. I hope you keep reading and posting.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by Dan Dare 
I am so fortunate to be sitting here, free and clear, instead of in jail or dead with everything that means so much to me lost. If I had kept it up, that’s where I would have been. My luck was gonna run out eventually, and I started to feel like I didn’t have much left.
Good work on the 8+ days. Like you, I was putting everything important to me at extreme risk with drinking. I remember reading in this forum something to the effect that the next drunk may result in so much worse than just a hangover. I am on day 17 and am doing everything I can to stop drinking for good. Whatever it takes!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1
Been there....
Congrats on the 8 days. I currently am on day 11, and it hasnt been easy for me either. I have been around AA since i was 17 and i am currently 28. The struggle that lies within me is the whole "am i or arent i". Up until my recent relapse i had accumulated the most clean and sober time i was ever able to achieve in AA which was 22 months. I would have had 2 years on the 23rd of this month. I can identify with the emptiness feeling and i am currently working on trying to fill that emptiness with something other than drugs or alcohol. I dont have any kids and i have never been married. The only person i have ever really had in my life is myself to rely upon. I guess the biggest message i can relay to you is that if the alcoholic thinking is left untreated and without help from others life can be just as miserable. How i was able to achieve the amount of time i had was through getting a home group in AA, a sponser, working the steps with her, and then staying involved in service work with others as well as within the group. I can say that the first year was outstanding. It was only when i began to shut down my true feelings, because that "emptiness" started to overcome me again, that i began to loose my serenity and sanity. It took about 6 months for the usage of drugs and alcohol to actually take place. In those 6 months i would only display the happy face and allow the clamour of the world and what i was really feeling to be pushed deeper inside me. Till one night i had had enough and just wanted like you said the pain to go away. So instead of picking up the phone i picked up my first love of drugs and alcohol and used that as a way and means to try to get rid of these feelings. All it really did was push them down a little more and made me feel worse because now i deal with the guilt of picking up again. So my friend on this journey
i would suggest that somehow someway you hold fast and trust someone to help you walk through the steps, and hopefully in doing so that feeling of emptiness is filled with the guidance of a loving higher power. Until then. God bless and good luck.
i would suggest that somehow someway you hold fast and trust someone to help you walk through the steps, and hopefully in doing so that feeling of emptiness is filled with the guidance of a loving higher power. Until then. God bless and good luck. Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Dan welcome to SR, you story is mine, I was there for 5 years, I would quit for a week or 2 swearing I would not drink again and that my way of quitting and staying quit would work this time!!!! I changed nothing about myself except not drinking, of I would do things like hiking or a new hobby, but I never changed myself, I always wound up drinking again.
After those 5 years I got to the stage where in order to feel normal I had to drink every day or bad things started to happen to me. My last 5 years of drinking were not because I wanted to, I was a slave to alcohol, in order to funbction I had to drink!
It took those 5 years of being a slave to alcohol and a moment of clarity seeing my own death due to alcoholism to finally get me to admit my way of stopping drinking did not work, I could not do it alone or my way!
I saw a doctor, went into detox, and then went to AA, got a home group, a sponsor, and worked the steps of AA. Today I am a free man thanks to AA, I have not found it neccessary to have a drink in 472 days, I am happy and free of alcohol and it was all due to me finally being willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober and realizing I could not stay stopped my way or alone.
BTW Heart of Gold that was a great share, I assume you are back in the healing rooms again.
After those 5 years I got to the stage where in order to feel normal I had to drink every day or bad things started to happen to me. My last 5 years of drinking were not because I wanted to, I was a slave to alcohol, in order to funbction I had to drink!
It took those 5 years of being a slave to alcohol and a moment of clarity seeing my own death due to alcoholism to finally get me to admit my way of stopping drinking did not work, I could not do it alone or my way!
I saw a doctor, went into detox, and then went to AA, got a home group, a sponsor, and worked the steps of AA. Today I am a free man thanks to AA, I have not found it neccessary to have a drink in 472 days, I am happy and free of alcohol and it was all due to me finally being willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober and realizing I could not stay stopped my way or alone.
BTW Heart of Gold that was a great share, I assume you are back in the healing rooms again.
Pure Radio Rental
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Off course, of course.
Posts: 952
I appreciate all of your kind words. In only two days I have learned so much valuable information here.
I was really amazed at the "detox" stories. I never could really relate those feelings to anyone before!
My "better half" drinks rarely, if at all, so I could never convey my torture to her. Everyone close to me always said they could never tell how much I had to drink, and I was always proud of that... but my ability to "handle" the effects took me even further away from everyone.
All I know is I would wake up in the morning feeling like ****. That's how I would regulate how much I abused myself the day before. And only I would know about it.
Then I would think about my current days agenda, and how it would affect my drinking schedule.
Looks like the journal I began to keep for myself is spilling itself here! OK I'll shut up now.... Peace!
I was really amazed at the "detox" stories. I never could really relate those feelings to anyone before!
My "better half" drinks rarely, if at all, so I could never convey my torture to her. Everyone close to me always said they could never tell how much I had to drink, and I was always proud of that... but my ability to "handle" the effects took me even further away from everyone.
All I know is I would wake up in the morning feeling like ****. That's how I would regulate how much I abused myself the day before. And only I would know about it.
Then I would think about my current days agenda, and how it would affect my drinking schedule.
Looks like the journal I began to keep for myself is spilling itself here! OK I'll shut up now.... Peace!
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