hwguy

Hi,
Just joined. brief history. I was married to an A for 20 years. Divorce was final last February, seperated 2 years.
Since Nov we have been seeing one another again. A has been sober for 3 years, very active in AA. I can't explain how my heart changed. It was a difficult divorce, I lost all love for her, then after an Amends letter in October my heart turned, I had a need to see her, we had not talked for 2 years.
Now i have a new found love for her, different from before, deeper better, what is happening to me. i want to be with her all the time, I love her so deeply.
Anyone have this experience?

Growing

I haven't had this experience but I am VERY HAPPY for you.

As long as you keep working your program, Al-anon,ect...(sounds like she is doing great!) and keep those *healthy* boundaries in place..you will be fine!

With both of you working the program...you can't lose!

Good Luck to both of you!

Growing

best

I was separated for 2 1/2 years and found a solid recovery (key point *solid*). My wife forgave me for my past and we got back together. The past 7 years have been the best 7 years of our whole marriage.

If she is working her program and has a solid recovery.... I don't see anything wrong with you. It can work and it could fall apart again as well.
As long as she keeps her recovery in order, it can be a wonderful remarriage.

Pilgrim

It sounds to me like you have fallen in love with a different person. The person she was drank. This person doesn't drink. I am pleased for you.

hopeangel

very happy for you also - you deserve it and she deserves it -wishing you all the best!

denny57

Sounds fantastic! Do you attend Al-Anon?

hwguy

Thanks for the kind words. When I fell in love with her so very long ago, I was not aware of the effects of alcoholism. I know see that person, but much stronger- true strength-more humble, less controling, more appreciative.
I have done alot of work understanding her behaviors over the last 2 years. I have not attended alanon, i have worked on the internet and in books, learning about what i can do.
I hope it can work, but it has been a hard road. I can no longer do what I did before, I cannot be her savior, it consumes me and I fall apart. I have to remind myself of this.
There is no talk of remarriage, at this point. Although at times we both need to remind ourselves that we are no longer married.
I am happy to have found this place, i HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

Growing

"I hope it can work, but it has been a hard road. I can no longer do what I did before, I cannot be her savior, it consumes me and I fall apart. I have to remind myself of this."

Al-anon can help with this...just my 2cents....Good Luck and Happy New Year!!!!!!!!

cmc

Welcome to SR! I hope you will continue to post and ask as many questions as you like. Recovery for me means working on myself no matter what the other person is doing- sober or not. Alanon is a great place to start.

prodigal

Please, please, please seriously consider attending Al-Anon. Codependency is just like addiction. If the alcoholic has one drink, all h*** can break loose in an instant. What is happening to you? You are loving your recovered spouse, but you are still dealing with codependency issues. You want to be with her ALL THE TIME? I hear the sounds of obsession in that; enmeshment; two becoming one flesh.

I am very happy that your spouse has found recovery. That took a lot of guts and hard work.

Now it is time for you to find recovery. Reading and studying and being online are all well and good but they're done in relative isolation. Get thee to some Al-Anon meetings and interact with other codies.

You deserve a solid recovery too.

Growing

"You deserve a solid recovery too."

Wonderful...thanks Prodigal!

DII

Any kids in the picture HW? Have you talked with her about her recovery? Part of being "recovered" is the ability to discuss what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future........

hope2bhappy

Old love rekindled... I LOVE happy endings. :bounce You say you've done a lot of work "understanding her behaviors." If you are like the rest of us, you've had your own behaviors which bear close study. Don't make the mistake of thinking that *change* was all about her. Please take the advice of the others, here, and check out some Alanon meetings.

hwguy

yes there are kids in the picture. That is a huge issue right now, as they have been hurt in the past, some are not willing to forgive yet. Some are okay in a different relationship with her and some are not ready to go that route yet. I can not make them do anything except support them and try to help them heal. I have talked to her about her recovery and I support her in her continued recovery. She has her moments, and she now recognizes to not engage. She needs her space and her time to work things out. We all do. She attends meetings regularily and has some good friends in the program. I support her going to meetings as often as she needs to,it is a part of her life. She works on meditation and giving things to her HP to resolve. I have also learnt about what I can and cannot do, I cannot make her happy, she needs to do that herself. I cannot control her, she needs to make her own decisions. I cannot resent things, If I do not want to do something, I tell her NO. It is all part of being stronger together. I feel that the children are very uneasy about this, which is very normal. I have told them how I feel and they cannot understand the changes, and they worry how it will affect them. I think the oldest has a need to tear us apart, he seems unhappy or jealous that we are together, it seems he cannot love both of us at the same time together. I am not sure how to deal with him.

Growing

"I think the oldest has a need to tear us apart, he seems unhappy or jealous that we are together, it seems he cannot love both of us at the same time together. I am not sure how to deal with him."

This disease has affected so many of our loved ones. It is estimated that one alcoholic affects at least, 4 other people and their quality of life.

I am an adult child of alcoholics, so I can sympathize with your eldest.

Your eldest has to work through his own pain and the loss of the parents he deserved, but that this disease took away from him.

Don't try to convince him...I don't know that you are..I don't know your situation.

Just let you and your wifes program speak for itself.

Actions are more important than words. Actions will win your eldest's respect in the long run. Just be patient with your eldest.

I think you would be surprized if you knew what was really going on with your eldest. Try not to imagine what he is thinking/feeling.

This disease is SO HARD on the kids.

Your relationship with your eldest didn't get strained over-night and it will take a while to heal.

Maybe, you could suggest Al-anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings to your eldest, friends and family.

Just my 2 cents.

I am very happy for you and Good Luck,

Growing

hwguy

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I will be attending Al-Anon meetings at your suggestions and I have scheduled an appointment to see my 'T". I have looked inside myself and I see a codie, I see what you have pointed out to me. I have spent the last week apart from Axw and I have looked at the situation more clearly. What I see is that I became enmeshed with her too much too fast again!. i need to be me and have me time and activities as I have for the past 2 years. she needs time too for her things. I have to say NO when it is not right for me, and i have to see a 2 way street again, with this relationship. She has a way of drawing me into her chaos so easily, and her life still has chaos in it. I need to stand back and watch from the side. I cannot fix her, she needs to fix herself.
Now I still love her very much and want her to be a part of my life, and i want it to be right for us both.
Funny thing happened to me, I remember the first courtship and she chased me, I played the nonchalent couldent care attitude. When she had me interested, she made the switch on me to take the power in the relationship and I stayed there for a long time. When we split I took the power back, I rejected her, she chased other men and caught some for a short while, but they moved on( or she did) . Now I have been the one chasing her, and the dynamics have changed. After 6 weeks, I am pulling back, not chasing so hard. taking a break, i am interested to see how she reacts. This is just how I feel right now, I know this could change. I have spent the week without her and I am doing fine, which is interesting to me, I thought I was not able to be without her. I do ejoy my freedom and I do enjpy time with her,just not 'all the time"

Maybe just Maybe I have made some progress this last week, and thanks to all of you for the help.

Growing

I am loving that news!

Rella927

Welcome Hwguy! Just wanted to say congrats to you and as others have already suggested Al-Anon is a great start for a program of your own-and of course keep coming here too! Glad that you found us

See you have a jump start already!Good luck and glad to hear you are going to start the meetings! You sound great so keep up the good work and be happy but do not forget YOU!