Lucie

The addict in my life is my 18 year old sister and it is creating a huge rift between my parents and I. Don’t get me wrong- my parents are wonder people- loving, supportive and then some. They have saved my sister time and time again. They allow her to live in our house, give her allowance and pay for her car and all the expenses that entail. They are well aware that she has a drug problem.
I support them, however, I don’t support their decision to let her live in their house, terrorize my other siblings and treat them horribly. They are terrified that she will move out and I believe the car/cash /clothes etc is their way of getting her to stay. Basically, her actions and behaviors have no consequences when her living situation is concerned.
I had a huge talk with my parents today. They were very upset and told me they felt awful about the fact that I do not respect their decision to give her a car, money and allow her to live here while she is an addict. I told them that I support THEM, however, I cannot in good conscious support their decision to support her habits.
They couldn’t seem to understand this. I don’t know what to do. Someone tell me I’m not crazy or out of line? I’m not sure what to think anymore. I just know this does not sit well with me.

kj21

I do not believe you are out of line. Your parents are doing what they think is right. they hope she will get better on her own with some love and support. I am not sure how you can get them to see that they are only delaying her recovery. If she doesn't feel any consequeses why would she change. It may be impossible but try to get them to an alanon meeting or maybe give them some lit. to read when they are ready. If they can learn that they may be helping her to an early death, or jail for illegal substances, or killing someone in a car crash maybe they will see your point of view. You are right to be concerned. I am sorry for your pain.

cece1960

You're not crazy Lucie.

As a Mom, I get a little bent out of shape (OK maybe a lot) if my kids go against one another through me. This may be how your parents felt abut the conversation.

Denial is a powerful thing. I know that because I wallowed in it for quite some time. The attempts my other two kids made to get me to back off only resulted in me feeling more guilty that my AS was the one "left out"

Stick to your guns Lucie...love your parents, but you don't have to agree with or love what they do all the time. In time, they may learn.
I know how hard this is on family
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Wascally Wabbit

You told them what you believe is true and they decided to ignore it. Now, there's not much else you can do except watch them lose money on her. Eventually, when they get burned enough times, they will wake up.
In the mean time, keep yourself busy and focused on yourself. Get to alanon as fast as you can!
You're not crazy, just very aware of the facts that others choose to ignore.

justjo

Hi Lucie
I am the mum of three boys. My eldest son is a drug addict also likes the alcohol too. He lived with us for many years whilst destroying everyone and things around him. Slashing lounges, breaking things, holes in the walls, smashing windows, swearing abuse and his brothers were frightened of him. Through all this madness I went along with it simply because he was my son and I didnt even understand it, let alone know what drugs were. I thought I was looking after him, hoping he would get better. WRONG, I eventually kicked him out of home, he hated me, oh yes, bad mother. Your parents may have to go through some of this too before anything much changes. I call it, our tolerance point. Parents will tolerate so much, and it depends on how much the drugs (your sister) is affecting the home and them. Your sister knows she can get away with this right now, so why change! You could get your parents to read some of the posts on here or get other info for them to read, that may help some.
JJ

sleepygoat

You are NOT crazy!! Unfortunately, you are powerless over what your parents decide to do. Me, I kicked out my addict daughter even before she was 18 - I couldn't tolerate the stealing, lying, verbal abuse, manipulation....
but I'll tell you, as recovering addict myself, I couldn't help thinking, "Gee, If I knew I could live someplace where I could get high and everybody accepted that, they gave me money to live on, a car, cleaned up all my messes... maybe I'd just start using again!"

krhea75

You have your head on right, Lucie. Hopefully your parents will get on board. I have a 17 year old son who is an addict. It is natural for a parent to want to make everything okay, but it is not helpful. Maybe your talk with your parents will be the beginning of your parents' understanding of how this is affecting all of you. Hang in there.
krhea

marle

Lucie, Just like all you can do is love the addict and let her find her own way, so it goes with your parents. Just love them, but don't let the chaos take over your life. You are important. Treat yourself with love and kindness. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

Hi Lucie,
Agree w/ all the above. Your parents love your sister, and you can't love them enough to make them well. They are in for a long, rough road.
susan

laurie6781

You have gotten great advice above.

Your head is on straight. You can't change your parents. They will one day get tired of the dance, hopefully.

My only question really is this? Is your sister's car that they pay for in her name or theirs? If it is in theirs they have left themselves open for some horrendous problems if she is involved in an accident and God forbid hurts, maims, or someone dies as a result of said accident.

My prayers go out to you and your family.

Love and hugs,

mooselips

Lucie,
Yeppers, you're right. They're wrong.
The problem, is in the fact that, like me, a long time ago, they are in denial.
You have stated your case, and until your parents get to their bottom, there's no changing what's going on.

Maybe when that time arrives, if ever, you can suggest Alanon, or Naranon meetings. Until that time, be good to you, and go on with your life.

Hugs to you, it's has to be awful hard being the UNcodependent sibling.

Lucie

I spent my fall semester crying. I had to force myself to do my schoolwork and keep up with my friends and school activities. It was utterly exhausting. Christmas break was a roller coaster. We went on a family trip and it went so surprisingly well that I honestly believed things would get better.
I haven’t been visiting my house that much this semester and as far as I know nothing really horrible has happened with my sister. So I’ve been feeling pretty good for awhile. I honestly thought that this was over. I even started talking to my sister again. For the past few weeks I have been dying inside because I’ve had to drop by my house more often to get stuff/see someone (I live in the same city) and every time I see my sister she looks stoned out of her mind. I guess my parents have just accepted this is the way it’s going to be. Or they believe that by keeping her around things will get better. I get the impression that she is yelling less/throwing crazy fits and scaring everyone in the house, so that’s an improvement. I also believe that my parents have stopped telling me when she threatens to run away or puts my family in a horrible position because they know how wrapped up I got in it. So maybe they are pretty smart to do that.
I just got off the phone with my Dad after yelling back and forth with him for an hour and a half. I told him for what seems like the 500th time that keeping her around is wrong and that I’m having a hard time talking to my parents and keeping up my relationships with them(we’re really close) because I can’t understand why they haven’t kicked her out yet or put her in rehab. And maybe I’m wrong. I’m starting to think that I’m out of line. I probably shouldn’t be telling them how I feel. I should just support them. I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to be the person I was last semester, constantly yelling at my parents for not kicking her out already. I don’t want to cry everyday and feel like I could just hide in my room. I don’t want to purposefully never wear eye makeup because I feel like I’m about to burst into tears at any second and I really don’t want mascara running down my face. I don’t want to my roommates to once again just get used to my yelling over the phone and constant bloodshot eyes from crying. I can’t do this again. She’s already enrolled in my college for next year, and even before I knew that I was transferring, thank God.
I don’t know how to separate myself and I don’t want everyday to be a huge struggle. Until things for me have been good, and I just CANNOT go back. I get myself too involved and I emphasize far too much and I'm screwing myself over.

btw- thank you guys for all your kind words and insights. You're amazing.

rahsue

of course your not crazy, you may be the only one in the house that gets it.
Hopefully your parents will learn not to love her to death. Have you suggested they read a few of the post on here. Once someone reads these wise and powerful stories they seem to relate. It couldn't hurt.

good luck

peaceteach

Hi Lucy,
My addict is my 23 year old son (back living at home again) and I also have a daughter (21) away at college. Her success through the very trying times of college makes me very happy, as I'm sure yours does for your parents. You just continue to focus on YOU, as you are doing both yourself a great thing and your parents have at least one child who isn't tearing them apart, okay? My daughter is very aware of addiction as her father is an alcoholic, but still I try to not talk about my son too much during our conversations. Maybe you could just STOP trying to talk about your sister with your parents, perhaps even tell them that you'd like to make that subject one you refuse to discuss for now. That way, YOU can keep the focus on yourself, which is very good for someone who is close to an A, and your parents can hear something positive and uplifting about one of their kids! I know how difficult the college years are with trying to balance studies and life; you really can't afford to have the toxic thoughts in your head and still do a good job at school. Detaching from your sister, and from any conversation about your sister with your parents, doesn't mean you don't love them or her at all. It means that you LOVE yourself also, and you need to put yourself first in life in order to be a happy, successful adult with a positive future. You are NOT the parent in this situation; they are. It takes us parents a really looonnng time to "get it" with our A children, but eventually we do. You can't save your parents from their pain any more than you can save your sister from hers. But you can save yourself and do the best you can while in college for your education and life. Hang tough, sweetie, keep your focus on YOU for this semester, and study hard. You are special, and your parents know that. Let go of your sister's struggles, and eventually your parents will too. I'm so very proud of my daughter, and proud of you too! College is tough!

Lucie

Thanks you guys. I guess I've never been very good at the whole taking care of myself aspect of my life.

Brittany Marie

This is kinda how my sister was with me.
My mom was terrified of me moving away and hitting rock bottom so she put up with me and basically let me drink and do drugs in her home even though she didn't approve.
I look back on the situation now and I even wonder why my mom put up with me for so long.
Growing up, I was always the 'problem child'.
I was the child who always got into trouble, got detention at school, had a bad report card, had to be grounded all the time.
In your case, and from what you've said, I think your parents are trying to protect your sister from doing any more harm to herself.
Do you think she would be more destructive if she wasn't living at home?
I know I would have been.
Seeing as we are similiar in age and experience, feel free to contact me if you ever need advice or even a chat.
Sorry you're hurting.
x