dad's angel

Hi everyone, i was searching for self help books and came upon this site. I am not an acoholic, my father is. In the last 3 months, my parents home has gone into foreclosure, my dad has received his 3rd dwi, abadoned my mother, his wife for 31 yrs, for another woman, who loves it when he drinks. He has accumulated over a 1/3 million in debt, and has left my mother penny-less. I cleaned out my parents home and have moved my mother into my home. I have more than a million questions that I'm sure will never be answered. But for some reason, once I get through the financial and legal b.s. he has caused my family, I'm now ready, after 27 yrs to say goodbye to him, forever. I do love my father, but I have had enough, and want to live my own life and deal w/my own worries and not his self-inflicted probs, or heartbreaks. Lately, i've been having troubles w/my own relationship, questioning my partners behavior, hitting the rough if he has one drink, insecurity has taken a tole, and once again, I have no one to thank but good ole dad.

myles1

Time to take care of you and let go of dear old dad. You are right it's his own self-infliction.

Ngaire

maryl

Angel,

So glad you are here and able to let out some of your fustration. You are doing the right thing by letting your father go, you are also doing a very admirable thing by helping out your mother the way you are. She is very lucky to have you as you are lucky to have her. I am new to this too and I have found that this is a great forum of friends. There is advice and tons of love. Keep up your chin and I will be praying for you and your family.

maryl

dad's angel

Thanks, I have to be honest, this is the first time I've spoken to someone about this. I'm 27 yrs old now. And I know I have some severe issues from my dad's disease. I think i was forturnate for many years up until recently. I left home when I could, and put myself through college, working 2 jobs, as many people I know did. I'm not sure if it didnt effect me so much then, cuz I was so busy or so determined to be self-suffiecient. I knew long before, actualy at age 12. That I had to devise a plan, to get out and take care of my mom and my family. Needed to have my own money, my own home. Not my father's home. Maybe all the partying deviated my attention from the home life. I do recall falling into a drinking pattern when I first moved out. I didnt really know what to do, I cried alot. But after about a year being out of my parents home, things got better for me emotionally. Mentally I was much more stable, Career shot off, bought a home at 24 yrs old, I was proud of me. Last summer, my brother moved to Cali, and my dad stopped coming home at night. I would get phone calls from my mother crying and worried. But she had no idea how sad, and worried I was, My brother was my best friend had recently moved out, and left the across country, I had to give up a dog because he was too ill to take care of, and to top it off, my boyfriend decided I was no longer the woman he fell in love with. I was hurting. And hurt worse w/the phone calls of my mother. I hadn't heard from her all that reguarly the 6 yrs before, I'd see her at church sundays, and spend sometime w/her at my parents home, before "he" arrived home drunk. I ended up selling my home and moving closer to my mom, and also to an area I like much better. I'm not sure how we got here. But we did, now I have my mother living w/me. Why my father lives w/another woman. My mother does not speak good english, is not healthy, does not make much, is truely a weight. A weight I take great pride in. I wont let him tear her apart. There have been no talks about divorce for them, and religiously I doubt they will. But once again, he's off playing, and she's crying, and i'm trying to sort out the legal, financial b.s. And I am almost done. THank God. I am close to this being over. Now I will be able to finally deal w/it emotionaly. And so will everyone else. But that doesnt seem so easy either. From anger to pain, I still long for his love. I'm must be some sort of stupid. I cant let this ruin my relationship now.

maryl

angel,
Wow you are really amazing!!. I have to say that you have literally put the whole world on your shoulders. I think the greatest thing is that you feel good doing this. You taking care of your mom is really great. I am so sorry that relationship wise you have a set back. I too am having one, but my husband is the alcoholic. I find my kids picking up my pieces when I have been pushed to my limit. I have tried to change this and do believe that I am getting tougher and less willing to let his problem be mine. I have to face that I am guilty of being a co-depenant person. I take care of everyone from my mom to my grandpa to my own house. This gets very sticky. We don't live together ( Thank God!)But my mom depends on me financially ( I have not loand her money in going on 3 months). For food ( I just bought within the last month 4 gals of milk & 5 loafs of bread). For a ride and she always uses my brother and sisters as an excuse. She knows I won't let my babies go hungry. My siblings at home are 16, 12 & 7. Worst off she and her husband do nothing in return. Example; I needed diapers for my son a year ago and she said they had no money ( I usually never ask for money from her). She said no and come to find out she and my step dad and the kids went to the movies. Wow pretty good for having no money! My grandfather lives with her as well as an aunt who is bitter and a complete negative energy source. Not good.
Well I guess this can explain why I am zoloft! ha ha!! I am sorry I went on a tangent. I think reading your story just hit so close to home because I am used to caring and caring. Please remember to stay positive and that you are not alone. You are a giving person and remember you also need to give to yourself. I am just learning this. I am 31 married with two kids and dealing with this disease as well. It will get tough but remember you are tougher! If you have the chance, pick up this book called The Power Of Now By Eckart Toll. It is fantastic. The name says it all. We have the power to take charge of the NOW.
My prayers are with you. Wish I could give you a hug Thanks for reading,I think I had alot to let out.



maryl

dad's angel

Wow, that must be rough, married to the guy! Jeez... and w/kids. I think my dog is enough kid material for me right now. Though I am pushing to have it all w/n the next year. I dont even want to get married cuz of what I have seen w/my parents and all i'm dealing w/now. I worked to hard for someone to mess up my financial situation or home. But i wouldnt mind living w/him, and having a family, and still if I had to caring for my mom. We would need a BIG house. hehe..... Last night I got good new from the County treasuer, my dad never paid property taxes for 6 f. yrs!! and the house is now theirs again, so i can sell it and pay the county and the mortg off. And at least save my mom from that debt. Things seem to be looking up, strangley, but they are. Hopefully, I pray everyday. Thanks. Wish you and your kids the best. And prayers to the hubby.

Ann

Angel

I also want to welcome you and to tell you that my heart goes out to you.

Many people here post on several different boards, and I just want to let you know that the ACOA (Adult Child Of Alcoholic) board has a lot of support as well for your situation. We just ask that you don't duplicate exact postings on more than one board.
Also, if you haven't been to an ACOA meeting, you may want to check and see if there is one in your area. The meetings are great and so helpful in working through our issues.

Glad you came and hope you will stick around and share your recovery with us.

maryl

Angel,

Thanks for your prayers. They must have worked. He really wanted to drink last night but he didn't and went to bed instead.
That is so wonderful about your moms house. That is probably a big weight lifted off your shoulders. Keep yourself safe and I will keep you in my prayers as well.
Lots of Hugs
maryl