A good kind of dilemma...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
A good kind of dilemma...
My exah's father passed away last year at this time and my exah is going to inherit a chunk of money. He wants to give me a big part of it. I'm grateful that my exah wants to do the 'right thing'. Its the 'right thing' because I lost alot financially due to exah's drug use. While he ran around using drugs, I carried the load financially for our family on my own. I borrowed heavily against my retirement. I"ve been paying myself back now for a couple of years and I"ll continue to pay myself back for a few years to come.
Exah could give me a million dollars and it still wouldn't make up for what I"ve lost financially and all of the emotional heartache and stress that his drug use caused. There is no amount of money in the world that could make up for everything I went thru.
Of course, I have doubts about whether I should accept this money from him. On one hand, I see it as a chance for him to make amends financially. I see it as a positive sign of recovery for him.
On the other hand...I don't want to give him any kind of idea that he could ever buy his way back into my heart. I"ve explained to him that I would be grateful for whatever he gives me but that it wouldn't mean anything as far as we are concerned. He says he wants to give it to my anyway.
It all sounds good...I know....I just can't help but wonder if this won't make me feel like I owe my exah something. I don't want to feel like I owe him something. I can only accept this money if I can do so with a clear conscience and without any threat to my recovery. Money seems to be a trigger for me. Many times in the past when I was really struggling, I would accept a little bit of help from my exah only to find myself getting sucked back into his world of problems.
If I did accept the cash, I would invest in a college savings plan for our son and maybe use a little bit of it to pay off some of the debt I carried out of the marriage.
But this little voice inside my head is telling me not to take it. Is this just foolish, stubborn pride on my part or is it a legitimate warning signal? I honestly don't know.
Any thoughts?
Exah could give me a million dollars and it still wouldn't make up for what I"ve lost financially and all of the emotional heartache and stress that his drug use caused. There is no amount of money in the world that could make up for everything I went thru.
Of course, I have doubts about whether I should accept this money from him. On one hand, I see it as a chance for him to make amends financially. I see it as a positive sign of recovery for him.
On the other hand...I don't want to give him any kind of idea that he could ever buy his way back into my heart. I"ve explained to him that I would be grateful for whatever he gives me but that it wouldn't mean anything as far as we are concerned. He says he wants to give it to my anyway.
It all sounds good...I know....I just can't help but wonder if this won't make me feel like I owe my exah something. I don't want to feel like I owe him something. I can only accept this money if I can do so with a clear conscience and without any threat to my recovery. Money seems to be a trigger for me. Many times in the past when I was really struggling, I would accept a little bit of help from my exah only to find myself getting sucked back into his world of problems.
If I did accept the cash, I would invest in a college savings plan for our son and maybe use a little bit of it to pay off some of the debt I carried out of the marriage.
But this little voice inside my head is telling me not to take it. Is this just foolish, stubborn pride on my part or is it a legitimate warning signal? I honestly don't know.
Any thoughts?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
If you can take it and make sure that there are no legal strings attached, I think your plan for the college account and paying some old debt is a good one!
It seems to me that the bigger question has to do with some old feelings of guilt, being manipulated, betrayal, perhaps questioning your own judgment popping up? In my opinion, that's old junk that wants to complicate the situation.
You've come so far in your recovery, you know the right things to do. Set your boundaries, find a quiet place/time to sort thru your feelings about the situation, touch base with recovery friends and give it to your HP. You'll know the right thing to do, my friend. You usually do.
Hugs
Cats
It seems to me that the bigger question has to do with some old feelings of guilt, being manipulated, betrayal, perhaps questioning your own judgment popping up? In my opinion, that's old junk that wants to complicate the situation.
You've come so far in your recovery, you know the right things to do. Set your boundaries, find a quiet place/time to sort thru your feelings about the situation, touch base with recovery friends and give it to your HP. You'll know the right thing to do, my friend. You usually do.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You have the power to decide whether accepting the money will make you "feel" one way or another, regardless of how your Exah views it. He does owe you, and you could really use that money, for yourself and your son. The burden of financial crisis is such a terrible wrench in a life that is supposed to be filled with joy. If accepting a payment back of money you "lent" him in life will help ease that burden, it will also HELP your recovery, right? Stay disconnected from the AH, but take any money that will help make YOUR life easier. I think the empowerment you will gain from being more debt-free will WAAAY override any codependency issues for you. I know it would me!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
OOAL,
Wouldn't it be nice if you could seriously tell him, no, don't want it, don't need it?
But, he does OWE you the money, so no guilt there, and you are placing it in a college fund, and catching up on past bills, no guilt there.
After all, it is really YOUR money!
I think he may be trying to make some monetary amends here, it's a good thing. IF it's no strings attached.
IMO, if it was me, and I even had an inkling of strings attached, I would ask HIM to open a college fund, and stay far away from the money...JMHO.
Hugs and Happy New Year!
(hope it's a whole bunch of money...
..)
Wouldn't it be nice if you could seriously tell him, no, don't want it, don't need it?
But, he does OWE you the money, so no guilt there, and you are placing it in a college fund, and catching up on past bills, no guilt there.
After all, it is really YOUR money!
I think he may be trying to make some monetary amends here, it's a good thing. IF it's no strings attached.
IMO, if it was me, and I even had an inkling of strings attached, I would ask HIM to open a college fund, and stay far away from the money...JMHO.
Hugs and Happy New Year!
(hope it's a whole bunch of money...
..)
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Out))
I have a problem accepting help from anyone, weather or not it's owed. I have issues in that department because I always feel beholden, like I owe someone now, and it eats me up. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I'm obsessed about that.
What I see in your case though, it's not a matter of owed or not, it's a matter of kids and providing for them. That included releiving the burden on your shoulders from debt so that you can concentrate on you and your family. Strings?, well girl, you control those, even if he doesn't attach any, will you? Can you cut the strings that you feel tugging at you? Accept the money as a better future for your kids and yourself? I think you have the tools to do that. But if you think you can't, then don't take it, it's not worth the heartache. I personally am rooting for you to take the money with a simple thank you.
Hugs
B
I have a problem accepting help from anyone, weather or not it's owed. I have issues in that department because I always feel beholden, like I owe someone now, and it eats me up. I don't want to owe anyone anything, I'm obsessed about that.
What I see in your case though, it's not a matter of owed or not, it's a matter of kids and providing for them. That included releiving the burden on your shoulders from debt so that you can concentrate on you and your family. Strings?, well girl, you control those, even if he doesn't attach any, will you? Can you cut the strings that you feel tugging at you? Accept the money as a better future for your kids and yourself? I think you have the tools to do that. But if you think you can't, then don't take it, it's not worth the heartache. I personally am rooting for you to take the money with a simple thank you.
Hugs
B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
You deserve a little goodness from him don't you? You deserve a little help. You deserve to be paid back what you put out there when times needed it. take it. enjoy it. Your not moving in with him, just accepting what is yours! Just my thoughts!!!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Take the money. It is a thing. It is not your soul accepting it, it is left over bills that his addiction likely caused.
It is MONEY.. not your life, your heart or anything else. It sounds like you would use it for the child you created with him.
Look at it like an accountant and it will all seem much more clear to you.
It is MONEY.. not your life, your heart or anything else. It sounds like you would use it for the child you created with him.
Look at it like an accountant and it will all seem much more clear to you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Whether you take the money or not is not about changing him, or guessing how he will react. You gave that up a long time ago.
Take the money. Not because he "owes" you, not because he may think he can buy your forgiveness...just take it in gratitude that you can provide a better life for your child, whether through reducing the debt load and making life easier or paying for his education or your retirement.
Gratitude is just that and doesn't have to have strings attached. Sometimes life just hands us good stuff. Take it and make your world a better place.
Hugs
Take the money. Not because he "owes" you, not because he may think he can buy your forgiveness...just take it in gratitude that you can provide a better life for your child, whether through reducing the debt load and making life easier or paying for his education or your retirement.
Gratitude is just that and doesn't have to have strings attached. Sometimes life just hands us good stuff. Take it and make your world a better place.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
[QUOTE=mooselips;1620540] I would ask HIM to open a college fund, and stay far away from the money...JMHO.[QUOTE]
Mooselips...You're brilliant ! Seriously, I hadn't thought about this !
I think I'll just put it in a college savings acct. that neither one us can touch...that will be one big load off my mind and my shoulders...
And this way...when/if he gets into another financial hole somewhere down the line, he can't guilt me into 'helping' him out if you know what i mean...
You guys are great. Thanks. I guess its silly of me to look a gift horse in the mouth like this! I WILL take the money...I most definitely will.
Hugs...and happy new year !!!
8
Mooselips...You're brilliant ! Seriously, I hadn't thought about this !
I think I'll just put it in a college savings acct. that neither one us can touch...that will be one big load off my mind and my shoulders...
And this way...when/if he gets into another financial hole somewhere down the line, he can't guilt me into 'helping' him out if you know what i mean...
You guys are great. Thanks. I guess its silly of me to look a gift horse in the mouth like this! I WILL take the money...I most definitely will.
Hugs...and happy new year !!!
8
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