Advice Needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2
Advice Needed
My 65 year old Dad is an Alcoholic and he has been my entire life.
He's recently been talking about going to rehab but as a result of a medical hosptialization he was forced to go. He's completed detox and is now in an intensive inpatient program and is expected to be released on January 10th.
As an adult child, I have chosen to separate myself from the situation and while we have cordial and fairly warm relationship, I choose not to be part or the drama that is my Dad's alcholism. I'm happily married (8 years) with my own family, job, life, etc.
Anyhow, I have a couple concerns that I was wondering if y'all could comment on or help me out with.
1) When my Dad comes out of rehab, my Mom won't be at home. (She is taking a month long trip overseas) However, the rehab facility doesn't recommend that Dad go home by himself, so he's asked to stay here. Of course I said yes, but my concern is what do I do if he relapses while he's staying here?
2) Apparently today during visitors hours, Dad told Mom that she needed to hide all the alcohol in the house but not to pour it down the drain. He's also said in the past that he thinks he'll be able to have a beer or two "socially" after he's completed the program. Is this a warning sign?
3) Dad also said that he's having second thoughts about the program that he's in because he isn't like "all these people with tragic stories."
I know that he made the choice to go to rehab but I'm terrified that he's still in some kind of crazy denial and I'll have to deal with it when he's out and my Mom's away.
Thoughts?
-32
He's recently been talking about going to rehab but as a result of a medical hosptialization he was forced to go. He's completed detox and is now in an intensive inpatient program and is expected to be released on January 10th.
As an adult child, I have chosen to separate myself from the situation and while we have cordial and fairly warm relationship, I choose not to be part or the drama that is my Dad's alcholism. I'm happily married (8 years) with my own family, job, life, etc.
Anyhow, I have a couple concerns that I was wondering if y'all could comment on or help me out with.
1) When my Dad comes out of rehab, my Mom won't be at home. (She is taking a month long trip overseas) However, the rehab facility doesn't recommend that Dad go home by himself, so he's asked to stay here. Of course I said yes, but my concern is what do I do if he relapses while he's staying here?
2) Apparently today during visitors hours, Dad told Mom that she needed to hide all the alcohol in the house but not to pour it down the drain. He's also said in the past that he thinks he'll be able to have a beer or two "socially" after he's completed the program. Is this a warning sign?
3) Dad also said that he's having second thoughts about the program that he's in because he isn't like "all these people with tragic stories."
I know that he made the choice to go to rehab but I'm terrified that he's still in some kind of crazy denial and I'll have to deal with it when he's out and my Mom's away.
Thoughts?
-32
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
I'm new, but I just happened to talk with my uncle today who *had* 18 years of sobriety under his belt, when he decided to have a couple beers in August. For the last couple of weeks he's been at the bar quite often, started hiding booze, lying etc, so I think for most people they can't socially drink.
Anyways sorry I couldn't offer more advice, but welcome.
Anyways sorry I couldn't offer more advice, but welcome.
Ending the Old Me.
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Under a Rock
Posts: 377
1) You can help him not relapse by getting all the alcohol out of your house, every drop. Will he be home alone all day or will someone be with him? If he's alone all day, with no support or meetings, he's going to give into the cravings.
Encourage him to attend meetings. Offer to drive him or even attend with him.
2) Warning sign - YES! For us alcoholics, there is no such thing as "social" drinking, we lost that ability a long time ago. He's not accepting the fact that he can never drink again, period. Tell your mother she has to get rid of everything! I'm sure he knows all the hiding places anyway.
3) He just hasn't met the right people in meetings. Sounds like his exposure to meetings has been connected to his rehab/detox, so he's hearing the stories of people who hit or came very near to their bottom. I've met a lot of people in AA who don't have horror stories, they just decided to quit drinking, because of what it did to their lives. I'm one of them.
Encourage him to attend meetings. Offer to drive him or even attend with him.
2) Warning sign - YES! For us alcoholics, there is no such thing as "social" drinking, we lost that ability a long time ago. He's not accepting the fact that he can never drink again, period. Tell your mother she has to get rid of everything! I'm sure he knows all the hiding places anyway.
3) He just hasn't met the right people in meetings. Sounds like his exposure to meetings has been connected to his rehab/detox, so he's hearing the stories of people who hit or came very near to their bottom. I've met a lot of people in AA who don't have horror stories, they just decided to quit drinking, because of what it did to their lives. I'm one of them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
You already know "DENIAL" and add rationalization, and perhaps even self delusion
Bright side ; even textbooks on treating addiction remark about relapse being of value in that it teaches the addict that their belief in social drinking is false.
Bright side ; even textbooks on treating addiction remark about relapse being of value in that it teaches the addict that their belief in social drinking is false.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR AllThirtyTwo!
Since you asked, my thoughts are as follows:
I think based on what you shared, you have every reason to be concerned.
What he chooses to think or not to think about sobriety and his program is entirely on him.
I would certainly make sure there was no alcohol in my home while he was staying there. I would like to think I'd also set a boundary...his first slip/relapse while he's staying with me would be his last, as he would have to find some place else to live until he returns home.
Maybe him going home and dealing with his own choices/consequences might be the better all around choice anyway. Let him look up his own AA meetings, make contacts, and if it requires he needs 2 or 3 meetings a day to keep on track, then so be it! That's just my opinion though. I certainly don't want to go against what the rehab facility recommends. BTW, do you know for sure 'they (rehab)' recommended he not be alone? Or, is that your Dad's way of saying..."someone needs to take care of/be responsible for me and my choices"?
Since you asked, my thoughts are as follows:
I think based on what you shared, you have every reason to be concerned.
What he chooses to think or not to think about sobriety and his program is entirely on him.
I would certainly make sure there was no alcohol in my home while he was staying there. I would like to think I'd also set a boundary...his first slip/relapse while he's staying with me would be his last, as he would have to find some place else to live until he returns home.
Maybe him going home and dealing with his own choices/consequences might be the better all around choice anyway. Let him look up his own AA meetings, make contacts, and if it requires he needs 2 or 3 meetings a day to keep on track, then so be it! That's just my opinion though. I certainly don't want to go against what the rehab facility recommends. BTW, do you know for sure 'they (rehab)' recommended he not be alone? Or, is that your Dad's way of saying..."someone needs to take care of/be responsible for me and my choices"?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
What you describe reminds me of my sister wh was "forced" into rehab. She lives alone,too
We did go into her home (while feeding her cat,etc) and removed any booze we found before her return. She ended up relapsing a few times and we all made and kept boundaries. Eventually, she decided she needed help for "her breakdown" (as she still calls it....she rarely admits she is an alcoholic but says she can not drink because it will react with her antidepressants....) She did enter an outpatient program and did very well.
As with your dad,it is all on him. Hard,but true. Try to leave it in his lap,is the best for all,imho. We started by trying "to help" and it worked better for us all to let her do it all...find her own solutions,make calls,etc. She knew we would help,but she had to ask. No more micromanaging to make US feel better.
Good Luck!
p.s. I think it might be a good thing your mom is away.......alkies don't need much help in blaming their relapses on p,p and t! Hopefully,your mom is getting her own help. Getting Them Sober I and IV would be a very supportive read,too (for you,mom other family members),imo. If interested,see: Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for a little online-preview.
We did go into her home (while feeding her cat,etc) and removed any booze we found before her return. She ended up relapsing a few times and we all made and kept boundaries. Eventually, she decided she needed help for "her breakdown" (as she still calls it....she rarely admits she is an alcoholic but says she can not drink because it will react with her antidepressants....) She did enter an outpatient program and did very well.
As with your dad,it is all on him. Hard,but true. Try to leave it in his lap,is the best for all,imho. We started by trying "to help" and it worked better for us all to let her do it all...find her own solutions,make calls,etc. She knew we would help,but she had to ask. No more micromanaging to make US feel better.
Good Luck!
p.s. I think it might be a good thing your mom is away.......alkies don't need much help in blaming their relapses on p,p and t! Hopefully,your mom is getting her own help. Getting Them Sober I and IV would be a very supportive read,too (for you,mom other family members),imo. If interested,see: Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for a little online-preview.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Welcome and keep coming back,
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics.
I wouldn't have been able to care for my father or mother if they were released from rehab. So I am curious to see how this turnes out. I hope you and your father will be able to hash something out that works for both of you.
If you have this responsibiliy with your father, then, my advice, use your boundary skills.
If he has to deal with you and you with him then he has to deal with your boundaries...and if he breaks those boundaries...I would be *outta there"!
Hope it works out,
Growing
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics.
I wouldn't have been able to care for my father or mother if they were released from rehab. So I am curious to see how this turnes out. I hope you and your father will be able to hash something out that works for both of you.
If you have this responsibiliy with your father, then, my advice, use your boundary skills.
If he has to deal with you and you with him then he has to deal with your boundaries...and if he breaks those boundaries...I would be *outta there"!
Hope it works out,
Growing
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