tryingtofly

I spoke with an uncle that went through AA and as much as I don't want to lose my hubby to booze I don't want to lose him to AA either. My uncle was saying that he needs to go to meetings everyday and that it'll be 2 years at least before hubby can start to work on the marriage and be there for me. I'm worried that he's going to develop a whole new set of friends at AA and I'm going to feel left out. I'm scared he's going to leave me to be with someone who's been through what he's going through, I'm scared I'm not going to be understanding enough because I still carry some resentment about his drinking.

When I said to my uncle that we need to work on our marrige as well, he said "don't worry, they'll talk about that in AA" my reply to him was that *our* marriage needed to be worked on by us not AA. Or is that how it works? Am I going to lose my husband to AA?

Growing

I hope you will consider going to Al-anon meetings.

BayouSelf

My heart really goes out to you.....your post sounds exactly like my posts back in about February of 2006....I had all the same fears as you describe and I was afraid that my husband would develop a whole new set of friends and he did, and I was afraid he would meet someone in AA and move on with them, and he did.....I was afraid of all of that, but I got myself to some Alanon meetings and quickly found me a sponsor and two years later, this is what I learned......I lost my husband to "alcoholism".....he is now drinking again and his behavior has returned to exactly the same behavior when he was with me....I, on the other hand, have a whole new life with no drama, not having to wonder where my husband is and which bar he's at, not having to worry about being screamed at, lied to, stolen from, and I could go on and on....if you want me to elaborate further, please send me a private message and we can talk. My heart does go out to you, but please, please, please find an Alanon meeting and get a sponsor to help you as you go through this. Not everyone's marriage ends when their spouse goes to AA....I have friends in Alanon who were able to save their marriages, but in my opinion, they don't have nearly the peace that I have in my life....they still deal with a lot of "behavior" problems, even though their A's are not drinking.

Growing

Sorry, ignorant me, I mean, good luck in al-anon!

Just read the other thread

geees poncho

TTF, If the two of go at this together your marriage will most likely get stronger,
That said, there are no guarantees in life, the things you are worried about happen in church, at work, in traffic, anywhere and everywhere, this is why alanon and AA recommend a Higher Power. you will learn more as you go along, Just know that things will work out. and you will have a better life because of it.
Good Luck

tryingtofly

That's something that I worry about. I'm not very sure about a higher power at this point, I know there is one, I was raised that way, but I'm not very happy with him right now, I don't know if I can give it up to him.

geees poncho

TRYING TO FLY fledgling eagles sooner or later have to open their wings and let the wind
carry them, OPEN YOUR WINGS---AND YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL FLY

PS Their are some very wise lady Eagles here, and they will tell you when to flap your wings,
and before long you will be soaring

BayouSelf

I understand that too, you're in pain right now and it's hard to understand what kind of God would make you go through this, but I learned it wasn't God who caused this. After trying everything else, I finally through up my hands and told God there was nothing I could do, to please help me understand, please give me strength, and please show me what he wanted me to do.....and when I finally gave in and showed just a tiny bit of faith that he could make things better, my life completely turned around for the good. You will learn all about "Let Go and Let God".....you may not see it now, but I'll bet you will soon. Hang in there!

tryingtofly

I hope that does happen because I've known a lot of people that have found comfort in religion (whichever it may be) I'm just not yet one of them. It's not just my AH that makes me feel that way, but so much more. I do hope I can open up more to Him one day.

BayouSelf

For me it's not at all about any "Religion", it's about a Relationship with a Higher Power, it's just a deep sense that someone else is in control, and that someone isn't ME! Someone else is guiding me these days, becuase God knows I was doing a very crappy job!

tryingtofly

I think it's the knowing that someone else is in control that's the hard part for me. I used to (and still do to some extent) have problems with anxiety and self-injury. I was able to control the anxiety by controlling situations and my life. At this point I don't have control over my life and it's making my anxiety sky rocket.
Within one year, I lost my job due to re-structuring, went back to school and lost my grandpa 6 weeks before my wedding. It brought to mind the saying "They say God doesn't give you more than he thinks you can handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much" I tried looking at it like God was allowing my grandpa to dance with grandma at my wedding, but I had a hard time accepting that.
I took an introduction to the bible course as well as a teaching in a Catholic School course hoping it would answer many of the questions I had about God, and all it did was give me new questions. I keep trying to open myself up to hear Him, but I think I'm still a little bitter.

BayouSelf

At an Alanon convention, I heard a speaker once say that we have to re-create in our minds what our God is to us.....to me....he was this huge person who created the universe, but didn't have time for me....I prayed and prayed for answers, but yet never heard them, I've lost loved ones in my life with no explanations, I've had two failed marriages, I was bitter too. It took quite awhile for me to start hearing that still small voice of God when I prayed. I finally realized the reason I never heard him, was because the "committee" in my head was always so loud, there was no possible way for me to hear what God was telling me, my mind never shut up long enough to hear what he had to say and when I did, I always did what I wanted anyways, which usually gets me into trouble. I have re-invented what I believe God to believe these days and I can promise you I didn't learn it at Catholic religion class (which I also went through), because I have found that some "religous" people believe that God is a punishing and cruel God who is very judgmental and I could go on, but you probably get my point. That is not my God.

tryingtofly

I'm laughing as I read your description of how you used to view God...I could've written that in the present!
I'm sure it won't happen overnight, but it certainly has given me food for thought

nowinsituation

I don't know if you have seen the move "Bruce Almighty", but it was helpful to me to picture a God similar to the God in that movie. Not a distant and judging God; and not a God that can magically fix problems or prevent you from exercising your free will. But a God that always listens, always loves, and is always there to guide us if we will ask and listen for the answers, and also a God that has a sense of humor!! I love the part of the movie where Bruce (Jim Carrey) is praying for God to show him a sign; and a whole truck load of blinking caution signs drives right in front of him; but he doesn't even pay any attention to it and keeps going down the "wrong" road. It takes time to learn to recognize the signs; and I am only just beginning to learn. I have spent a lot of the past year asking God for signs. When I didn't trust the signs I would ask God -- "Are you sure????" eventually there was no doubt in my mind. I find that if as long as I am asking I know I will eventually see and understand the sign.

peaceteach

For me, I think that part of "hearing" God/Spirit trying to tell me what path to take is listening to that inner voice, that little catch in your stomach that can be either joyful or dreadful. Even my brother, who is extremely Christ-oriented and fundamental, said he believes we possess a "sixth sense" of intelligence and that we need to trust that feeling when it is warning us that something is wrong or "don't go there" in a situation. I think we need to especially learn to recognize the body telling us that something doesn't feel right about a certain situation and believe that is our HP trying to communicate. Call it instinct or a message from something greater out there, but I KNOW when I've listened to it that it helped me to make the right decision. I have been in both situations, with my stomach constantly tied in knots from anxiety, and with it calm and serene, after having chose a more peaceful existence. I WAY prefer the calm stomach and now do everything within my power to choose the calm existence.

geees poncho

We in the program of AA & Alanon try to follow a 12 step program that directs us to a
Higher Power of our personal understanding, the first 3 steps are emmediatly sending us in that direction, what our goal is, a spirtual awakening, is our personal contact with our
Higher Power, AA & Alanon are spiritual programs, NOT RELIGIOUS, the differance will be revealed in meetings and contact with other recovering people.
HIGHER POWERS COME IN ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT ENTITIES, SHAPES, AND FORMS,
AND ARE VERY PERSONAL TO YOU. MEETINGS MEETINGS AND MORE MEETINGS Good Luck & God Bless

Growing

Beautiful thread...

Beautiful posts...

Beautiful people..

I LOVE reading about others HP. This is such a healthy conversation. I am so thankful for a forum that allows us to question and share about our HP *of our understanding*. What is more important in life than figuring out our HP? Thank you SR!

I know my HP is so personal. But I love Him and I love sharing about Him. My understanding of Him is personal but I love sharing HIM with others!

Good day all,

Growing

Daisy30

great posts

I am going to touch on the AA thing again. Try not to feel scared as hard as it might be. He will meet other people and that is a good thing (they will will be positive). AA has open and closed meetings. Your A may (when he feels comfortable) invite to go to open meetings with him). If he does you will be able to share in that process.

CBrown

"I'm not very happy with him right now ..."

This made me smile. He's probably not really happy with what's going on with two people He brought together either! I really enjoyed the posts above about your relationships with your HP.

Our pastor had a series on the Holy Spirit, which really opened my eyes. I always pictured the HS as a fire coming down, people acting like they were having seizures, and speaking gibberish. Wouldn't you know, the HS is actually my HP speaking in that still small voice, sitting next to me in the car, listening when I think I'm talking to myself.

Here's a link to the sermon series. I used to hate going to church because I'd zone out five minutes into the sermon! This pastor really has a way of speaking that makes me understand. Anyway, if you'd like to hear his perspective of being closer to your HP, here's a link. Go down to 8/23 "Experiencing the Spirit" and enjoy!

New Life Baptist Church

Bayou, you nailed in on the head. I have a hard time shutting up the voices in my head too!

steve11694

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. Many people DO INDEED attain solid recovery and mend relations with loved ones. Don't take to heart stories on this forum about failed recoveries and marriages, as by the very nature of THIS forum, you will hear MANY sad accounts. It reminds me of work, you can do a million good things and may not hear a whisper praise, do one bad thing, and they don't let you forget it.

One thing WE must accept, is that we cannot control an alcoholic.

================================================== ======
a man will beg
a man will crawl
on the sheer face of love
like a fly on a wall

splat.......... so what I added a verse