sadgirl25

I have been to this forum a few times over the last couple of years but I finally feel I should involve myself rather than just drawing comfort from reading others' posts. My mother is an alcoholic. My father allows it. I have known things are not right since 7 when I would wait to be picked up from school and my mother would have to be phoned to be woken up from her drunken stupor to drive to get me and drive me homw drunk. Once I was taken home by my headmistress because they couldn't get hold of my mum and my Dad had to drive back from London to get me. He has always worked away a lot so it often felt like a one parent family though it wasn't. As I got older I had to look after Mum on the evenings she got drunk and listen to her crying about Dad's behaviour in the past and this was how I found out they were set to get divorced due to him having an affair a few years before I was born. This was also when I found out that my mother hadn't wanted children but they had me cos Dad wanted kids. Through my teenage years I was accused of being difficult by my parents whenin fact I was struggling to cope with an alcoholic mother who still wanted to be involved in my school life while my father was working abroad for months at a time. I began cutting at about 15 and was forced to attend family counselling where the counsellor agreed with my parents that I was the one causing problems. I can't believe no one saw that my mum was the alcoholic. I went off to university and though I was away the problems continued and instead I became the shoulder to cry on for my father who was now faced with my old job of looking after Mum. Then having finished uni I lived at home again not knowing what to do with my life and things escalated. The last few years Mum has got worse with her drinking and Dad has threatened her with divorce and making her move out. This summer I had to leave work in the middle of the day as Dad phoned me to say he was worried about Mum and I got home to find her downing a bottle of vodka, then she hit the corner of a table staggering around and I had to take her to London to be with my father. A couple of months after that Dad called me screaming that I had to go home and ring 999 cos she had overdosed as well as being drunk and this was my second day of a new proper job in Southampton. At that point he got the doctor involved who suggested they draw up and sign a contract saying if she didn't stop drinking by Xmas she was out on her own. She went to a few AA meetings but never admitted to being one of them. I moved out at the beginning of December and Mum has been living with Dad in London for the last few months so I wasn't too involved with them but sometimes when I spoke to her I thought she had been drinking but Dad said nothing. Evey time I say I am not being involved with her anymore and every time I give in and let her back in a little and just as I trust her she gets drunk. On the 2oth December my boyfriend who I have been with on and off (due to him dumping me twice) for four years said that once again he was not sure he could be with me anymore cos he is unhappy with his life. He doesn't want to be in contact until the new year when he will have decided whether we are over or whether he is going to make an effort. So my Xmas plans cancelled I knew I had to be with my parents. I thought at least having spoken to my mum at midnight that she would support me through the holiday. I went to be with them on the 21st and on the 22nd having been out for the morning Dad and I came back to the flat to find her roaring drunk. At that point Dad went ballistic and told me that she has been heavy drinking for last couple of months but decided not tell me cos Mum begged him not to. So she broke the contract. Dad's family only had one thing to say and that was that Mum couldn't go and stay with them so we are not speaking to them now. We got through Xmas with Dad not buying Mum any gifts and hardly speaking. He said it was us against the world now then couple of days later he is being nice to Mum and suddenly she is not leaving the family home anymore. I finally told Dad that I felt he was making the wrong decision supporting Mum again and that I felt sacrificed every time because he chooses her over me saying that now I have my own life and yet I am expected to still believe I have a family. Sorry for going on but I feel totally lost this Xmas. This time of year is always bad as Mum has walked out before and Dad has told me of an affair Mum doesn't know about but this year with not even my boyfriend to talk to and waiting to find out what will happen with that, I feel at a loss. Any comments or advice would be appreciated. xxx

Growing

Hello Sadgirl and welcome..

I hope, with the help of others and your own commitment to health, that your name will change...

You are in the right place at this forum.

DISCLAIMER: If I come off sounding angry, I am, but not at you...the family disease of alcoholism angers me and I am angry at your parents but not at you...sorry if this rambles, but acoa stuff touches a chord in me that is deep...

I have been right where you are today, survived and moved on. Many of us have here in acoa land.

"This time of year is always bad as Mum has walked out before and Dad has told me of an affair Mum doesn't know about but this year with not even my boyfriend to talk to and waiting to find out what will happen with that, I feel at a loss. "

First, I want to tell you that I care for you...I am sending tons of love, support and prayers your way..The above quote of yours is horrible...I don't want to believe that a father would talk to his daughter this way...and all these toxic people dumped on you and then left you for the holidays...They don't deserve you, JMHO.

"As I got older I had to look after Mum on the evenings she got drunk and listen to her crying about Dad's behaviour in the past and this was how I found out they were set to get divorced due to him having an affair a few years before I was born. This was also when I found out that my mother hadn't wanted children but they had me cos Dad wanted kids. "----they tell us this crap to abuse us and make good helpers out of us because of our false sense of guilt and shame..this is emotional shaming/emotional abuse

Sounds like your mother is the abuser/alcoholic and your dad is the classic doormat enabler.

"I began cutting at about 15 and was forced to attend family counselling where the counsellor agreed with my parents that I was the one causing problems. "---just because you were forced to endure this, which I think is abuse from your counselor, does not mean that a counselor YOU pick as an ADULT will treat you this way...I hope you will give it a chance again...keep looking until you find one that works FOR you...

Your mom may die...There...I said it...My dad has already passed away...

My parents and my sick/dysfuctional/codie relatives don't/didn't want me...not the way I am..healthy, confident and hopeful for the future.

We acoa's are only useful to those involved with the disease of alcoholism when they can use and abuse us. I lived for too many years under the false-pretense that this is my family---I have to be loyal to the end...and I ask you---what for? What did I get in return? Did I ever get my needs met? What a joke....No...I didn't...all they had to offer me was a fantasy of an idea of family that was a lie.

You are wising up and I applaud you.

"This summer I had to leave work in the middle of the day as Dad phoned me to say he was worried about Mum and I got home to find her downing a bottle of vodka, then she hit the corner of a table staggering around and I had to take her to London to be with my father. A couple of months after that Dad called me screaming that I had to go home and ring 999 cos she had overdosed as well as being drunk and this was my second day of a new proper job in Southampton. "-----you don't *HAVE* to do any of this...let them deal with the consequences of their own actions..this has nothing to do with you..this is their fault and the result of their own poor choices...you are at work trying for a better life.

"I moved out at the beginning of December"---please don't let them lure you back home.

"So my Xmas plans cancelled I knew I had to be with my parents. "---I question this logic..you could have experienced your first holiday without them..You would have been alone like me..I did not speak to my mom at all..I am o.k. I wasn't abused. See, this is where the ball is in YOUR court. This is where you can make a healthy choice even if they are out of control.

"At that point Dad went ballistic and told me that she has been heavy drinking for last couple of months but decided not tell me cos Mum begged him not to. So she broke the contract."----they are inconsistent and don't keep their word and they lie...so why do we acoa's think we have to do everything perfectly to their liking? Why do we feel obliged to be loyal? They don't do this for us...they are deal-breakers so what do you owe them?

"Dad's family only had one thing to say and that was that Mum couldn't go and stay with them so we are not speaking to them now."----Your dad's family are setting heathy boundaries and that is *unacceptable* to your sick parents. The crippling fear is that they may *treat you this way if you set boundaries*..That was a risk I was willing to take for my sanity and self-worth.

"now I have my own life and yet I am expected to still believe I have a family."---I wonder if they have earned the right to be considered your family members? Just a thought..

My humble opinion and advice: Stop rescuing or attempting to rescue. You are more like your mom and dads parent...this has to stop. They are adults. What happens if you leave and stop helping them and listening to their B.S.? It will fall apart....Yes...it will...this is o.k. dare I say, even desirable...Let these people hit their bottom.

Before, like me, you were a child and at their mercy...you are grown now. Don't go under with them. They have trained you to be consistent and obedient to help them out of their scrapes and they have played on your sympathies and pity and guilty feelings for them LONG ENOUGH.

They question is..Have you hit your bottom with them?

I am appalled that each of your father has discussed his affairs with you...this is more emotional abuse...but I am not surprized..my mom used me unhealthily as her "best girlfriend" my whole life. You are getting "the best friend treatment" from your mom and dad...this is unhealthy...you can stop this...

Re-read your post and imagine what would have happened if you had said "NO" at each request for your time, rescue, opinion or just everytime they tried to dump on you and make their problems your responsibility? They wouldn't like it but they WILL get over it.

I would not leave work under any circumstances for my family. I would not take their phonecalls. You are working this hard for a healthy life and proper job....I wouldn't let them have this too????? How much are you willing to give away? How much do you have left? Situations like this ARE completely under your control.

The program of 12 steps tells me I don't have to give my whole life away to a**h**** who treat me this way...

What happens if you eliminate their toxic influence from your life? You will be alone like me....I have peace..and most days..joy...Love is out there in the world for us..just not from these particular sources hon..

Acoa's don't have much luck outside of a recovery program for picking mates. So I am not surprized about your boyfriend...I have had my share of losers in the past..This time next year your life could be transformed if you will eliminate the toxic influence of this boyfriend and your parents from your life. They have already rejected you...reject them.

What does detaching in love look like? We can help you with that and read the stickys here and in the Al-anon sections.

The s*** will fall apart....How damaged you are from the "fallout" is in your control..

*YOU HAVE CHOICES*

GiveLove

I am just as sad, shocked, and angry as Growing is.

Do you know how badly you've been abused? Your father tells you of his affairs? WHAT? The family counselor says it's your fault? WHAT? You receive these phone calls to constantly come rescue your mother? WHAT?????

You do not have to live this way. We have all been in the place where you are standing, and step by tiny step we are all finding our way toward strength and health again. Please do stick around here and become part of our community, so we can help one another. Read the other posts and the sticky posts on the forum's top....there is much to learn here. Also, the books that are listed in Barbara52's post are wonderful starting places for you to educate yourself about why you find yourself where you are.....you will see that you are not alone, and that there are good choices available to you to get away from all this hurt.

It is NOT your fault. And if you start doing some of this reading and study, you will find that your situation is not at all uncommon.....that's why there is a whole forum devoted to people like you, and me, and Growing, and the rest, who have been damaged by someone else's addictions.

Take care of YOU. No one else seems to be doing it, so you need to come first even if you make someone mad. Big damn deal (sorry for that).....you have served your time with that toxic group and they need to take care of themselves for now.

Keep posting....we are here for you.

Love,
GL

sadgirl25

Thank you Growing and GiveLove. The things that you have both said I must admit have shocked me. I have read lots of other posts and agreed with things ppl say but I suppose when things are said about your own situation it really hits home how bad it is. I am uncertain about cutting ties with parents and boyfriend completely because selfishly I worry that I will feel more alone and unhappy than I do putting up with the mess of having them in my life. I'm not sure what to do about this. I think with regard to my boyfriend it is his emotional issues of letting me in that are getting in the way and I suspect from having read some of the stickys that my behaviour as an acoa is adding to this fear. That does not mean I think it is my fault just that it is worse than if he were going through this with a normal girl. I worry that the friends who are physically around me where I live are bad choices for friends because they all have emotional needs which is probably why I chose to be be friends with them as it is in my nature as an acoa and my two best friends who though they find it hard to know how to help because they come from very stable families are much better friends than the others live in Birmingham and Glasgow so I can often only speak to them on the phone. As my jobs are all part time it leads me to not feeling particularly settled as things change from week to week but I do enjoy the jobs most of the time. I'm not sure why I'm still talking at this point really. I hope my boyfriend gets in touch tonight at midnight and I think I need to make my wish this New Year's Eve - I wish to make myself happy this year irrespective of others in my life. What do you think? Thanks again for having things to say. It really meant a lot to come on here this morning and find responses. xxx

GiveLove

Hi Sadgirl,

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. Believe me, I understand.

You do not have to solve everything right now. That's probably the hardest thing to sit with: You don't have to solve it all today, or this week, or this month. All you need to do is what you're doing: gain awareness of what all this is doing to you, know that it's not how you want to live, and know that you have a ton of different choices available to start moving in a better direction for yourself.

Small steps, that's how we all get there.

For example, you don't have to cut off ties with your family and boyfriend entirely. There are endless shades of gray there: you could, for example, do as I first did, which was continue to be in contact but set boundaries that you will not allow yourself to get sucked into the drama any more. I no longer take phone calls from family members who are drunk, stoned, or seeking my rescue for situations they have gotten themselves into and refuse to get themselves out of. I am not a miracle worker. You aren't either. It sounds like you have been leaned on repeatedly, with no concern whatsoever for what it has done to your mental health.

That's unfair, cruel, and you don't have to allow yourself to be treated like that any more.

Small steps. And it all has to do with self-protection: What if a close and beloved friend of yours -- someone you loved with all your heart -- was in this same situation as you find yourself in? What advise would you give her?

When you can put yourself in that place, and BE that person you would protect with your life, then you can begin to make choices that get you away from the madness and the poison. The people here are wonderful for that sort of thing.....they remind us that we are just as worthy of being loved and treated with respect as anyone else, and remind us to treat ourselves with kindness.

Your boyfriend sounds like he too has some severe issues. These are not YOUR issues, as much as you care about him. Sometimes, even though it's miserably hard, you just need to let people take their own journey. It doesnt' mean you have to break up (though it looks like he is forcing this issue) it just means that you have to focus on what YOU want and need, and start taking small, protective actions that help get you out of the soup you're in.

You don't have to ditch all of your friends. But you WILL want to start cultivating other friends who aren't walking emotional wrecks. Hanging out in places where you aren't surrounded by tragedy and high drama (bars aren't great, for example) You may find, as you get more people in your life whose hearts & minds are healthy, that you get irritated with the old friends who stay stuck in their drama and chaos. I did, anyway.

Sorry I'm still blabbering here but.....I think you're moving in the right direction. Keep thinking: Is this making me happy? is there some small change I can take right now that will remove a little piece of the chaos, and next week/month I can take another step?

If your boyfriend doesn't call, know that he's just on his own trip, making his own mistakes. It is not a reflection on you. You might want to plan something gorgeous for yourself so you're not sitting around all night staring at your phone.....take care of YOU regardless of the choices that other people feel they must make.

Hugs to you, sadgirl. I hope, like Growing, that you get to change your name soon too!

You'll get there.

Love,
GL

Growing

"I am uncertain about cutting ties with parents and boyfriend completely because selfishly I worry that I will feel more alone and unhappy than I do putting up with the mess of having them in my life. "-----I agree with GiveLove, it doesn't have to be right away or a complete cut of ties...just know that this is a common fear that we have all worked through, in our own time and at our own pace.

"I wish to make myself happy this year irrespective of others in my life. What do you think? Thanks again for having things to say. It really meant a lot to come on here this morning and find responses. "----hurrah for this!

You are exactly where you need to be..I am so proud of you...It means alot to see you continuing to post and share with us..don't ever give up....keep posting and letting us know how you are doing please...

I agree 100% with GiveLove's posts...

Sadgirl...I am afraid that you believe this is what you deserve, on some level, because you are *not normal*. I think, if this is true, that this is the worst of the damage. You deserve all the love that all the healthy people in the world have to give! If you don't believe that yet...keep reading SR....keep posting...keep asking questions until you find that little girl inside of you that you can be a mother to. I know it sounds cheesey..I stayed away from acoa for years because of that and other issues...but it is the truth..

Also, I became aware of my Higher Power...He steped in and became my Father of Choice. So between Me being my own Mother and my Higher Power being my father..I am re-raising myself and it feels WONDERFUL. Don't worry about the time aspect..I have found that the bulk of recovery doesn't take as long as it took to get screwed up in the first place. Its like, once you start moving in the right direction, a healthy direction, the Universe does its part to bless your efforts.

Right now I am about to move across the country, but after that I am going to get even more serious about my al-anon meetings and acoa meetings, get a new sponsor and find an adopted, earthly Mother and Father as well. Loved ones that I choose.

Sadgirl, I hope you will find Al-anon in your area and check out a few different meetings. I admit, that was the hardest thing I ever did in recovery was go to my first meeting...but all my fears---and I had so many-----were unfounded. I found an immediate family between those walls...I would love to wake up some morning and read that you went to a meeting (I imagine all those wonderful people loving you up). You will find others like yourself there, I did. It took me about a month of going to work all of my anti-social kinks out...I never have looked back since then..

Love and support sent your way,

Growing

Wascally Wabbit

Welcome sadgirl. I am sorry you have to live with such chaos.
I lived with an alcoholic mother too. With haep, you can learn not to feel so helpless. You can help yourself! Have you attended alanon?
Keep coming back here and posting. It helps a lot.