Miss Pink

its just your ego that is bruised. Being the dumpee, instead of the dumper always kicks us in the ego.

Sounds like God did for you what your codependency wouldnt allow you to do forself....set yourself free from a sick relationship.

Try alanon...helps!

WantsOut

Several recovering alcoholics have told us on this board that when their spouse first left them over drinking that they were initially glad. Finally they could drink without interference! Not all react this way, but many do.

There is a huge chance that his decision to end things is about his drinking and has nothing to do with you really.

How to get over him - keep a journal. Start today and write down every craxzy drunken thing he's ever done. Refer to this list when you start daydreaming about your imaginary relationship with him. The list details your real relationship with him. I have found my journal to be a huge comfort and you'd be surprised as hell over what you forget in just a few months.

((hugs)) I know this sucks for you.

denny57

I'd try to look on it as he gave up on himself.

((()))

CBrown

It seems like a kick in the teeth to be helping your alcoholic significant other and they turn around and walk away. You sound like me ... I knew by the change in tone that we were over. "You're tiresome" he said because I held to my boundaries. Well, so was his amoral, drunken lifestyle that he swore he was changing.

Sure, everyone wants to be the one who walks away instead of the one left behind! But in retrospect they're blessings in disguise. At first I had a hard time getting used to the calm after R's chaotic life. Then the opposite happened. If I got a call from one of his friends, I quickly wanted to go back to the peace! And with that peace, you'll want to work on a better you! You will too, just give it a try, hmmm?

Pick-a-name

If it makes you feel any better, I think I know what you are saying/feeling. FWIW, I was married to mine for 27yrs (2 children) when he did this (moved out and eventually divorced me).

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I have to look at it as God doing for me what I could not do for myself. Still, it hurts alot. It all does. There is no way around it.

Sorry you are hurting. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on you, for a change. (If you are like me,it is long overdue!) Who knows what is down the road (for any of us) but being the best "you" that you can be can only be a plus!

hugs to you

p.s. when I have my "moments",I often come here...it helps (esp. since I can do it anytime 24/7). Slowly, I am learning to change my thinking,etc and I am getting better,in spite of myself! Hope you'll stick around.

Barbara52

So is it time to start working on and helping yourself?

Are you going to stop drinking and driving? Or are you going to have to kill someone first?

Sorry, but although I sympathize with the loss of your friend, you are more important since you care enough about yourself to come in here and post. Take the next step, whatever you need that to be, to start on your road to recovery. Please.

hope2bhappy

Sounds like you figured it out. Now you can move on and work on the most important person in this relationship -- YOU.

However... if you helped and coddled him, as you say, then the chances are very good that he will eventually be back. They all need a reliable and willing enabler. Hopefully, by that time you will have some recovery under your belt, and you will be the one to say, "No thanks. I'm sick of your ****." Oooo! Wouldn't that feel good? Happy New Year! Happy new beginning!

aztchr

I learned that the disease was progressive and watched the actions.
I didn't think my relationship was *that bad* either, until I accepted that I deserved better for myself. I didn't need him around either.

Have a safe New Years! Hope 2008 will bring the best for YOU!

BayouSelf

Great advice....this worked wonders for me to get rid of the daydreaming about the "imaginary relationship" I had with him.

steve11694

I strongly believe this is true. When I stopped enablng my aw she grew less and less content. finally she moved out (i helped her financially to make the initial move. She remarked how life will be great for her in her own place. Her vision of "party central" never materialized as drinking made and kept her broke. She got kicked out of that apartment.
As one recovering friend told me."an alcoholic has to be on her/his knees before they give up drinking"

I too took this personally at the time, as you feel now.

Lilyflower

Its nearly impossible to get rid of an addict I have heard. He sounds asif he is throwing his weight around. You told him you wouldn't take it anymore. If he's anything like my abf this will be your 'punishment period', he is showing you that dispite what you say, he wants to have control over the senario.... He will decide when he drinks how much he drinks and you cannot tell him otherwise. You wanted me to go? well now I'm gone. See how much you enjoy me not being around. I know that when I threaten you with my walking out you beg forgiveness. This is my way back in, because I will not change. You apologise to me, accept me who I am and stop complaining about me/our relationship. I have all I need, my beer and a codie to run around after me. Heck if you don't want the job, I'll find someone who does.

That was the way it was for me and my abf, before I started to leave him to his own mess, detach and heal myself.

Lilyxxxxxxxxx

Janitw

My XAH left approx 8 months or so after the kids and I wanted him to go to rehab....when they really believe that the threat is there that the drinking has to stop...many of them will and do just pack up and leave and it doesn't matter how long you have been with them or how many children you have between you. And yes it hurts alot.....so maybe he did you a very huge favor hun....hang in there.

WantsOut

Otis, if I were sitting next to you right now I'd say, "Delete that crap and let's go shopping. Eff him."

(((hugs)))

Pick-a-name

I tried that kind of thing,too or a variation of it. Bottom line;do what ever you do or don't do for you without ANY expectations..... I heard that but thought we were "different".....maybe we are but alcoholism isn't.

He'll hear what he wants to hear and do what he wants (like the rest of us) and bottom line,he is sick.

One good pice of advice I heard here: "say what you mean (and mean what you say) but don't say it mean".

yes; doing something nice for yourself would be time better-spent,imho.

Janitw

Its okay to write it down on paper just to vent to yourself.....but don't give it to him. Don't give him any more power than you already have. Stand back and stand strong. You both know why you aren't together anymore and he can remember the why's and what for's...if you have to love him from afar then so be it but go NC (no contact) this can be done even if you are in the same room with one another. Or if you must speak to him NEVER talk about yourself or him. Take your power back. I always felt that if I couldn't have my ex's love then I will demand his respect....and this is how I got it.

Good Luck

Help-Me-AlAnon

I agree: DON'T EVER SHOW HIM THAT! Think it but you don't have to say it. Write it on here which is a safe place but revealing your inner self to a sick (alcoholic) person and expecting a reasonable reply is a very codependent thing to do. He doesn't have the ability to love you and treat you with respect cause he doesn't love himself enough to treat himself with respect (hence he drinks and acts crazy). Don't take it personally. We're here for you to vent so when you see him you can smile and walk away respecting yourself.

ARealLady

Dear Otis....I hope you find peace as you go into 2008.

Don't beat yourself up over the fact that your AF broke up with you first. Sooner or later, knowing what you know about him, reading this forum and working on your own co-dependent tendencies, you would have ended it with him. Addicts cannot be made to stop consuming their drug of choice. The only person you can control is yourself.

XABF did actually break up with me first. I kept him dangling. Then he told me he had been in rehab and had stopped drinking so it seemed like there was hope for us. But something bothered me about many of his continued behaviours and by reading so much on this forum I discovered that he was still drinking despite the fact that he said he had stopped. I decided to start trusting my gut and heed the red flags as the red flags were revealed to me. Then I decided that since I could only control myself and had no power over the actions of others, I really had to break things off definitively with XABF. He turned nasty (threats of blackmail, accusations, blame) and his emotional abuse of me confirmed that he was still in the thick of his addiction and refusing to be responsible for his actions.

You're in a good place right now, Otis. You may not fully realize it yet but with time you will see all the advantages for you. We'll help you!

Happy New Year!

ARL

aztchr

Try not to project into the future too much.
In my experience, I've been guided through the moments as needed.
Trust you will be guided, too.

ARealLady

Otis...you say what you need to say but.....as az points out don't worry about the what if's. That's just you trying to control an outcome and it hasn't even happened yet.

For what it's worth, based on conversations with XABF, there is no right or wrong thing to say. Everything you say can be twisted, turned and used against you. Your A hears what he wants to hear.

You can choose to stay away from events where you think he might be in attendance....for the time being. Do something else instead. With time, you will gain in strength and you may find that you really don't want to say more than "hi", exchange some pleasantries and move on. Or, you could attend with a group of friends and stick with them.

Check out Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie. It's the second volume by her but I refer you to it because she discusses the "unavailablity" of the addict as relationship material and offers a lot of insight as to why we get involved with As and why we shouldn't...LOL! I found the book very helpful in making me stick to my resolve after going no contact with XABF.

ARL

Janitw

If he tries to approach you after he is intoxicated simply tell him that you have to leave and will talk to him at a later point in time and then just leave it at that. Have NO conversation about old issues......it will serve you NO purpose whatsoever. The best thing that should happen is not to put yourself in a situation like this at all.