Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Introduction
Hello. I'm not 100% sure how to start, so I'll just dive in. I'm a 25/F whose husband is an alcoholic.
I never thought he was an alcoholic, he only got drunk sometimes, it wasn't an everyday sorta thing, etc (Denial isn't just a river in Egypt). Well on Christmas Day we had a great time, went to my cousin's played video games and had a couple drinks. He drank too much that time. Long story short, when we got home we started to fight. He was extremely intoxicated and shoved me. After a bit he grabbed my jacket (I had put it on cause he scared our dog who took off outside) and shoved me into the corner of the door frame a couple times. He ended up breaking my laptop and ripping my jacket. He went to take off and I called the cops on him. He ended up being charged (In Canada when it comes to domestic dispute the wife doesn't have an option as to whether or not to press charges - it's up to the police)
He ended up going to jail that night and was released the next day under the condition that he can't have contact with me, come near the residence or anywhere where alcohol is the main purpose of a business (ie: bar)
I haven't been able to talk to him, but he's spoken with my mother and friends of ours.
He started AA yesterday and told my mom that it wasn't what he was expecting, he really enjoyed it. He told her that had he gone a couple of weeks he would have been resentful and bitter about being there, but he was moved to tears while he was there. My mom said that talking to him was like it's never been before- he was more open, honest etc. He told her as much as hated hurting me and going to jail for the night in a way he was glad it happened because it's woken him up.
My mom who doesn't forgive easily said she really believes that he's comitted to changing.
I hate it though because I can't be with him during this time. I feel like I'm not supporting him. Don't get me wrong I know what he did was wrong, but he never touched me sober, it's the booze, it's the sickness. I hear about him going to friends houses for dinner and it breaks my heart that they're the ones hearing about his day, they're the ones making him dinner, not me. Legally I can't see or talk to him until his hearing (Jan 28). I understand why they have this, but it still pisses me off that they took the choice away from me. Why can't I see him at my parents house? Why can't I have that choice?
I have some more thoughts I need help sorting out, but I guess that's good enough for the introduction.
Thank you
I never thought he was an alcoholic, he only got drunk sometimes, it wasn't an everyday sorta thing, etc (Denial isn't just a river in Egypt). Well on Christmas Day we had a great time, went to my cousin's played video games and had a couple drinks. He drank too much that time. Long story short, when we got home we started to fight. He was extremely intoxicated and shoved me. After a bit he grabbed my jacket (I had put it on cause he scared our dog who took off outside) and shoved me into the corner of the door frame a couple times. He ended up breaking my laptop and ripping my jacket. He went to take off and I called the cops on him. He ended up being charged (In Canada when it comes to domestic dispute the wife doesn't have an option as to whether or not to press charges - it's up to the police)
He ended up going to jail that night and was released the next day under the condition that he can't have contact with me, come near the residence or anywhere where alcohol is the main purpose of a business (ie: bar)
I haven't been able to talk to him, but he's spoken with my mother and friends of ours.
He started AA yesterday and told my mom that it wasn't what he was expecting, he really enjoyed it. He told her that had he gone a couple of weeks he would have been resentful and bitter about being there, but he was moved to tears while he was there. My mom said that talking to him was like it's never been before- he was more open, honest etc. He told her as much as hated hurting me and going to jail for the night in a way he was glad it happened because it's woken him up.
My mom who doesn't forgive easily said she really believes that he's comitted to changing.
I hate it though because I can't be with him during this time. I feel like I'm not supporting him. Don't get me wrong I know what he did was wrong, but he never touched me sober, it's the booze, it's the sickness. I hear about him going to friends houses for dinner and it breaks my heart that they're the ones hearing about his day, they're the ones making him dinner, not me. Legally I can't see or talk to him until his hearing (Jan 28). I understand why they have this, but it still pisses me off that they took the choice away from me. Why can't I see him at my parents house? Why can't I have that choice?
I have some more thoughts I need help sorting out, but I guess that's good enough for the introduction.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome aboard, I think the laws are ment to cover all cases, its just not yours.
Its for the best. and it'll give you both some time to figure some things out.
The time will go fast.
Its for the best. and it'll give you both some time to figure some things out.
The time will go fast.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
You're right, it is a generic law...it just makes me feel helpless, like they're taking the choice away from me. The hard part is we're both going to miss so much...I have to miss his grandma's 90th bday party (his whole family is in and I haven't met half of them), he's going to miss my bday, he missed our Christmas (we celebrated late cause my mom was out of town), he's going to miss my first day of placement (I'm in school to be a teacher). I realize that in the grand scheme of things that's all little stuff, but right now it's really hurting me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Tryingtofly.
I am of the opinion that it's for your protection! See, many times in DV cases the woman will call the police, the police will come and make a determination of the situation, and many times an arrest takes place.
I believe that during this time, the woman is hurt, upset, confused, misses her s/o that was arrested, and, often changes her mind about wanting him to be locked up and away from her. This can potentially put her in greater danger.
The police can't tell if this is just a one time thing (which is once too many in my book), a not 'too terribly' serious situation, or, a true life or death issue for the person attacked.
This protective measure serves as a cooling off period for both parties, and, until it can be looked at a short time later with an impartial and knowledgable (ahem, hopefully that is) judge.
When my ex was arrested, several times, half of me was relieved that I knew I could get at least a few nights of sleep because I was safe. The other half of me missed him, worried about him, wanted him back home with me, etc. The emotions ran hot and cold.
It's good that he is going to AA, and, getting something out of it, and sorry for what he has done to you, as he says. My ex was sorry and on his best behavior too. He was sorry alright, right up until the time we walked out of court and he realized the judge didn't sentence him to be locked up, that is! Then all bets and best behavior were off!
I understand your emotions concerning what you and he are missing together. And perhaps he is using his time wisely and this will never happen again. But, there's no way to predict that. I certainly can't.
Here's something I didn't realize until 'after' my relationship with my s/o was over....it wasn't the alcohol that made him do it. Sure, it lowered his inhibitions. I am of the opinion, based on things I have read by experts, that although alcohol does lower one's inhibitions, and they may do some things they normally wouldn't do, it doesn't 'radically' alter someones personality to such an extent that they become physically abusive. They become physically abusive because that's who they are bubbling under the surface. I've gotten drunk in my life...I've never assaulted anyone though. It's not in my nature to do so.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you keep coming back.
Originally Posted by tryingtofly 
Legally I can't see or talk to him until his hearing (Jan 28). I understand why they have this, but it still pisses me off that they took the choice away from me. Why can't I see him at my parents house? Why can't I have that choice?
I believe that during this time, the woman is hurt, upset, confused, misses her s/o that was arrested, and, often changes her mind about wanting him to be locked up and away from her. This can potentially put her in greater danger.
The police can't tell if this is just a one time thing (which is once too many in my book), a not 'too terribly' serious situation, or, a true life or death issue for the person attacked.
This protective measure serves as a cooling off period for both parties, and, until it can be looked at a short time later with an impartial and knowledgable (ahem, hopefully that is) judge.
When my ex was arrested, several times, half of me was relieved that I knew I could get at least a few nights of sleep because I was safe. The other half of me missed him, worried about him, wanted him back home with me, etc. The emotions ran hot and cold.
It's good that he is going to AA, and, getting something out of it, and sorry for what he has done to you, as he says. My ex was sorry and on his best behavior too. He was sorry alright, right up until the time we walked out of court and he realized the judge didn't sentence him to be locked up, that is! Then all bets and best behavior were off!
I understand your emotions concerning what you and he are missing together. And perhaps he is using his time wisely and this will never happen again. But, there's no way to predict that. I certainly can't.
Here's something I didn't realize until 'after' my relationship with my s/o was over....it wasn't the alcohol that made him do it. Sure, it lowered his inhibitions. I am of the opinion, based on things I have read by experts, that although alcohol does lower one's inhibitions, and they may do some things they normally wouldn't do, it doesn't 'radically' alter someones personality to such an extent that they become physically abusive. They become physically abusive because that's who they are bubbling under the surface. I've gotten drunk in my life...I've never assaulted anyone though. It's not in my nature to do so.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I suggest viewing this time apart as an opportunity to take an honest careful look at your life and what you want going forward. Try attending AlAnon, do some reading on alcoholism and codependency. Try therapy if you can. Start looking at your life and your marriage with the understanding that alcoholism is a factor that is not going to go away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, tryingtofly, glad you're here!
Sorry you are going through this, but I honestly believe you will come to look back on it as a very positive time in your life, despite the "moments" that get missed. If he chooses sobriety and you remain together, it will have been the defining moment of recovery. If he chooses to continue drinking, it may be the catalyst for change in your own life.
Everyone is different. I do believe there are abusive men who drink. Because I believe alcoholism is a disease which affects certain areas of the brain, I also believe it can alter someone's behavior drastically to where they are acting in ways they would never had without the trigger of the drug. Only you know where your husband fits in the equation.
I'd spend the time remaining apart learning all I could about alcoholism, attending some Al-Anon meetings and reading and posting here. I believe you will come out better for all of it.
Good luck!
Sorry you are going through this, but I honestly believe you will come to look back on it as a very positive time in your life, despite the "moments" that get missed. If he chooses sobriety and you remain together, it will have been the defining moment of recovery. If he chooses to continue drinking, it may be the catalyst for change in your own life.
Everyone is different. I do believe there are abusive men who drink. Because I believe alcoholism is a disease which affects certain areas of the brain, I also believe it can alter someone's behavior drastically to where they are acting in ways they would never had without the trigger of the drug. Only you know where your husband fits in the equation.
I'd spend the time remaining apart learning all I could about alcoholism, attending some Al-Anon meetings and reading and posting here. I believe you will come out better for all of it.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Ditto everything Denny said. I believe that often good things can come from bad things. It's possible that this forced separation, which results in the two of you missing out on shared occasions, could serve as a consequence to him and his drinking. Having to face the consequences is so important in this disease. He has already done something very positive by going to AA. Use this break away from him wisely. Learn as much as you can about the disease, and try attending some Alanon meetings. You probably don't realize this right now, but how you react to his drinking and bad behavior can slow his finding sobriety. You need to work on yourself, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Thank you for the welcome - in Canada, I don't have the option of pressing charges or not, the crown attorney decides that. They also had me write my statement out that night and sign it so I can't recant it at a later point.
You're right about the police not being able to properly judge the situation and in my head I understand that, but in my heart it still hurts. The hard part is, I now have to share my financial information with someone else so they can pass the information on to him.
You have no idea how much I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know that in the end all this pain and heartache will be worth it.
In the five years we've been living together the only time he's ever demonstrated aggresive tendecies is when he's been drinking. He's never even been like that towards our animals, so I truly believe that it is simply when he drinks, but again only time wil tell.
Thank you again for the warm welcome and I will hang around for awhile, it seems like a great group with varying opinions which is nice.
You're right about the police not being able to properly judge the situation and in my head I understand that, but in my heart it still hurts. The hard part is, I now have to share my financial information with someone else so they can pass the information on to him.
You have no idea how much I wish I had a crystal ball so I could know that in the end all this pain and heartache will be worth it.
In the five years we've been living together the only time he's ever demonstrated aggresive tendecies is when he's been drinking. He's never even been like that towards our animals, so I truly believe that it is simply when he drinks, but again only time wil tell.
Thank you again for the warm welcome and I will hang around for awhile, it seems like a great group with varying opinions which is nice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Barbara52
Start looking at your life and your marriage with the understanding that alcoholism is a factor that is not going to go away.
It's understanding that it's never going to go away that's the hard part.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by denny57
Everyone is different. I do believe there are abusive men who drink. Because I believe alcoholism is a disease which affects certain areas of the brain, I also believe it can alter someone's behavior drastically to where they are acting in ways they would never had without the trigger of the drug. Only you know where your husband fits in the equation.
I'd spend the time remaining apart learning all I could about alcoholism, attending some Al-Anon meetings and reading and posting here. I believe you will come out better for all of it.
Good luck!
I'd spend the time remaining apart learning all I could about alcoholism, attending some Al-Anon meetings and reading and posting here. I believe you will come out better for all of it.
Good luck!
I will keep reading here! Thank you for the warm welcome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by hope2bhappy
You probably don't realize this right now, but how you react to his drinking and bad behavior can slow his finding sobriety. You need to work on yourself, too.
I'm afraid I don't understand the part I quoted above - is that like enabling? Or covering up?
Thank you
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there and welcome!
I think you can look at this senario from another point of view. Reading through your post, I thought to myself... 'You are helping him incredibly, you have brought his drinking to his attention, and by following the restraint you are providing him with very much needed reflection time for his issues.'
Good for you for using this time to get educated, it is just as important for you to heal as it is for him!
Lily xxxxxxx
I think you can look at this senario from another point of view. Reading through your post, I thought to myself... 'You are helping him incredibly, you have brought his drinking to his attention, and by following the restraint you are providing him with very much needed reflection time for his issues.'
Good for you for using this time to get educated, it is just as important for you to heal as it is for him!
Lily xxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
'You are helping him incredibly, you have brought his drinking to his attention, and by following the restraint you are providing him with very much needed reflection time for his issues.'
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