a depressing introduction

Old 12-29-2007, 09:43 PM
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a depressing introduction

hey, i'm new here and at wits end--as are my friends and family to see me in this state. I feel weird spilling out something so personal to a bunch of people i'll never see but I know that there are others who have been down this path...
i am young and foolish but not an idiot. i let the most beautiful man i've ever seen take me on the trip of a lifetime to the gates of hell itself.
it was a romance like something out of a movie, but punctuated from the beginning with hints of some monster just under the surface of his control. people were always in awe of us--we were just alike, a match made in heaven, and he loved me very much. there were red flags--the drunken driving that almost killed us one night, the embarrassing fits in public, starting a fight with one of my friends--that i ignored. one drunken blurry evening in the heat of the end of the summer we had sex without a condom. i thought nothing of it until a month later, when something in my body started to feel different.
I ended it and he helped me through it, flying up to be with me for a week, nevermind that every time we talked on the phone after that his voice sounded a little slurry. He promised that he was going to try harder in his life, to be the best man he could be to me so that we could get through this. I had complications and became very anemic; nightmares started and insomnia followed. a month later and the grief was crippling me, as was his increasingly erratic behavior. but he still called to say he loved me every night. in november he called to tell me he was going to columbia with his two best friends, both heavy drinkers and womanizers. somewhere in my heart I knew what would happen but I said nothing. I received florid love-letters and descriptions of his adventures and I began to think everything was ok. until he (drunkenly) mistakenly sent a message to me instead of to his best friend bragging about sleeping with a columbian girl "for free". i broke up with him immediately and he called me, sobbing so hard he couldn't talk, begging for mercy.
i, in my rage, told him some horrible things that i REALLY regret now, including that he should do me a favor and go choke on his cheap-wine vomit alone in a sleazy motel room. after that line he cried even harder, sobbing that he can't live with himself and everything he's done, and hung up the phone. I was afraid he'd committed suicide.a few days later i received word that he was with his father, about to enter rehab. he is there now, 'recovering' and sounding fantastic

but what about me? my semester was ruined academically. I am a pre-med and this is a very important year..but i am crippled with rage and grief. the o-chem books and all of my future dreams are just sitting on the shelf and i am unable to pick them up.
i am unable to let go.
i know he is undeserving, i know that he is the wrong man and i shouldve listened to my instincts a long time ago. but i can't forget the beautiful things, the trip across the US, the way we grieved for the child together.
i am trying so hard to stay centered and focused but I can't sleep at night.
i know he has a disease but i am still afraid i will carry this pain and hold it against any other man who should pursue me. this was a bad first 'adult' relationship for me (i'm only 20)....
he is in recovery.. i can forgive him, but should I help support him through this (while trying to get over him)? I didn't know that one person could cause so much damage in the quick span of 6 months..
if alcoholism is such a 'disease', can the host still be held responsible?
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Old 12-29-2007, 09:54 PM
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Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you are having a such a hard time. You are all that you have. You are all that you will ever have. Others will come and go, some will stay longer than others, some will be asked to leave. It is up to us to determine who is good for us and how much of ourselves we are going to give up. I was willing to give up a whole lot more of me (codie) than I am now. I deserve more that that. My XAH went to Columbia too and I did his freaking laundry when he came home ( I have learned). The stench of the clubs was still on them. I still wonder what happened down there. I no longer want to know. I should have left then. I married him. I got a beautiful diamond, but was marrying the same alcoholic. I left my marriage 5 months into it. We were pregnant and miscarried. I think God was taking care of me when I could not take care of myself. Today, I am grateful that I don't have to raise a baby with an A. Until you are done, you will not be done. Keep posting and keep reading. SR has helped me so very much. It will help you too. Meetings are great. I found great relief in the three C's. Didn't Cause it, Cant control it, can't cure it. You can take care of you.
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Old 12-29-2007, 09:55 PM
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You said it yourself, "I am only 20." You've been through a great deal of drama - drama that relates to the romantic notion of being swept off your feet, being the "beautiful couple," having intense entrances and exits. This is the stuff of which Danielle Steele novels are made.

Unfortunately, you are not a character in a novel. You are a real, live human being. I would suggest you think about some of the comments you made regarding this man: "drunken driving," "embarrassing fits in public," "starting a fight with one of my friends." You may have shared some beautiful moments with this man, but beautiful moments are not what makes a relationship solid.

You've been through an emotional meat grinder, and you are far too young to be scarred for life by this mess. I'd suggest you get into counseling and find Al-Anon meetings in your area. You CAN heal and you can pick up the broken pieces of your life - with time, patience and a good dose of self-love.

Be glad you didn't end up marrying this man. He sounds toxic. I hope he finds recovery. If he recovers, works a solid program, and wants to resume a relationship with you IN TIME (I'd say give it a minimum of one year), then there is hope.

In the meantime, you have a future ahead of you. Please don't let this relationship trash your hopes and dreams. You need to find out what is at the bottom of all the rage and grief. This relationship certainly contributed to those feelings, but perhaps those feelings were there, in part, before you ever met this man.

Please keep posting and please seek help. You deserve it.
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Old 12-29-2007, 11:23 PM
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if alcoholism is such a 'disease', can the host still be held responsible?
Yes, I think he can be held responsible. He made these decisions didn't he? But I may be lacking some compassion here. Is he your age also?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Me and 2/3 other women over in the F&F sub. abuse forum seem to all be in similiar boats.

YOU ARE 20! Learn the lessons of this and MOVE ON-is my advice. But I know that is much easier said then done.

,
, but should I help support him through this (while trying to get over him)?
No, you should support yourself and get over him.
How can you get over someone and support them at the same time?(I am totally writing this to myself as well as you!)
Get support from your family and friends. It was very hard to admit I fell for an alcoholic/addict but it happens. Many women end up marrying these lost souls and lose themselves in the process.
If he is in rehab hopefully you have no contact and that may be the easiest way to get over him.
You have a lot of life left and your future is important!

but what about me?
Yes, focus on you!!!!
Counseling and maybe Alanon would be a good way to start.
Take all the time you need for you.
Even if he gets clean, he may relapse and this will be an issue forevermore.
I read in another post[QUOTE]Bottom line, I think, is this: Life with an alcoholic (whether drinking or sober) is not, and never will be a normal relationship.[QUOTE]
and if he is cheater too and you were so in love...then can you really trust this won't happen again?
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Old 12-30-2007, 06:04 AM
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You sound like you have a good beginning of understanding yourself and like you know you have escaped an unfortunte future with this man.

Now, take care of yourself. Therapy may be something you find helpful. You have had a lot to deal with and may need some professional help getting thru it. I found therapy very helpful in showing me where my issues lay and in giving me tools to work thru them.
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Old 12-30-2007, 07:01 AM
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he always had choices. as do you.

Choose life. sanity. freedom.

get help for your pain.....alanon is what keeps me from dying a rageful death daily.

keep posting here....you are not alone.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:00 PM
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Thank you for this thread and Welcome. Love and Prayers sent your way.

I agree with everyone else, if there was a part of you questioning whether you should seek counseling....I know I have a voice that tells me everything is an over-reaction..just me...but I have to ignore that voice sometimes.

Everything posted here was great to read for anyone. I am so grateful today for the opportunity to be a part of SR and get my hands on all this good information.

I just wanted to quote Prodigal because it was pure gold IMHO.:

"You've been through an emotional meat grinder, and you are far too young to be scarred for life by this mess. I'd suggest you get into counseling and find Al-Anon meetings in your area. You CAN heal and you can pick up the broken pieces of your life - with time, patience and a good dose of self-love.

In the meantime, you have a future ahead of you. Please don't let this relationship trash your hopes and dreams. You need to find out what is at the bottom of all the rage and grief. This relationship certainly contributed to those feelings, but perhaps those feelings were there, in part, before you ever met this man."

I ditto what Prodigal said, especially this part: "You need to find out what is at the bottom of all the rage and grief. This relationship certainly contributed to those feelings, but perhaps those feelings were there, in part, before you ever met this man."

I would add that I hope you will consider grief counseling for the loss of the child.

Love and support sent your way,

Growing
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:13 PM
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well thanks y'all. I deeply appreciate the support. I've known all along I'm not alone, but it feels good to connect with others who have gone through similar things and came out wiser. I am hoping this experience will be like that for me. whoever said 'when it rains, it pours' was right. 2007 was not kind, my father left my mother, she lost our house and started drinking again, i had this damaging relationship, my friend and her family died in a car wreck,had to move into an apartment with 7 filthy brats, got my bike and wallet stolen, failed my academics and was told by my adviser to quit,, etc etc. sometimes it feels like god put me on an anvil and hammered me until all my bones were broken; but maybe to really know ourselves and realize our true potential we must first lose everything and have our ego destroyed.
...it's funny to feel like i hit rock bottom without ever being a drinker myself.
but they also say, 'what don't kill you makes you stronger.' i am taking this mantra to heart; 2008 will be the year of the phoenix(as long as my 21st birthday doesn't get too out of control...)! thanks again guys
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:37 PM
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You might want to read about being an ACOA also. I'm 53 and finally working on all the issues I have related to growing up with alcoholic parents.
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Old 12-30-2007, 02:53 PM
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NMillis, I am acoa too...both parents.
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Old 12-30-2007, 04:54 PM
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I still can't believe you're only 20. You are an intelligent, insightful young woman. You've had a lot of pitfalls and road blocks in your short life. And you are right... what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger. You have a promising, bright future. Keep moving forward, and don't look back. Leave him to himself and focus on you. You're going places, kid.
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Old 12-31-2007, 04:09 AM
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Gotta agree with the other posts here, put this relationship down to experience, learn what you can from it, about human interaction, yourself, and addictions.

Your last post tells me that you have indeed had a rough year and you are right, sometimes we need to experience the bad so we know just how good good can be.

Take a year for you! I would definately look into getting some counselling/therapy. I know from my university that these services were available for free for students. Have you spoken to your Dean/personal tutor about your struggles this last year? You'll be suprised at how supportive your college can be. At the end of the day they know life can throw crap at you and want you to be able to carry on with your studies.

One of the hardest lessons I ever learnt was that no one would ever be there for me, if I want something in life, I am the only person I can rely on to get it done.

Good luck and welcome to SR. Hope you keep posting with us.

Lots of luv
Lily xxxxxxx
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Old 12-31-2007, 05:33 AM
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NWillis,

I have said some outrageous things in the grips of codependent anxiety also. Please don't give that a second thought, and know that it probably wasn't even heard or remembered by your A. We are not perfect, we have been majorly affected by this person's disease, and we have learned lessons from our own mistakes as well. It takes time to work through the healing process when one goes through a traumatic experience, so don't beat yourself up any more over this past semester. Do you have anyone at the university you can talk with, a counselor? Perhaps you can seek out someone who will not only help you through this experience but can assist you in "redoing" those classes that you didn't do well in. What about your parents? Is your relationship with your mother or father such that you could confide and let some of this terrible secret anquish out? It can be a real relief to get these experiences out to loved ones, who I have found are more supportive than I thought. I know that if my daughter came to me as broken/on the edge as you, I would be grateful that she turned to me for help and love.

I think that one day, if you decide to continue your medical career, that you will be the kind of doctor that I would like to have, one who has had a few experiences in life that weren't perfect and that has empathy for her patients whose lives are in crisis. I believe that things happen along our life path for a reason, sometimes not to be known until much later, and that these experiences that become a part of our person can have an impact on others someday. Good luck, college girl. You can survive one crappy semester, learn from it, and grow into a wonderful woman and professional. Just give yourself the time you need and the education of codependency for now.
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Old 12-31-2007, 05:53 AM
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Hi,

Keep coming here and sharing and reading. are there any alanon meetings where you are?


Ngaire



Originally Posted by NMillis View Post
hey, i'm new here and at wits end--as are my friends and family to see me in this state. I feel weird spilling out something so personal to a bunch of people i'll never see but I know that there are others who have been down this path...
i am young and foolish but not an idiot. i let the most beautiful man i've ever seen take me on the trip of a lifetime to the gates of hell itself.
it was a romance like something out of a movie, but punctuated from the beginning with hints of some monster just under the surface of his control. people were always in awe of us--we were just alike, a match made in heaven, and he loved me very much. there were red flags--the drunken driving that almost killed us one night, the embarrassing fits in public, starting a fight with one of my friends--that i ignored. one drunken blurry evening in the heat of the end of the summer we had sex without a condom. i thought nothing of it until a month later, when something in my body started to feel different.
I ended it and he helped me through it, flying up to be with me for a week, nevermind that every time we talked on the phone after that his voice sounded a little slurry. He promised that he was going to try harder in his life, to be the best man he could be to me so that we could get through this. I had complications and became very anemic; nightmares started and insomnia followed. a month later and the grief was crippling me, as was his increasingly erratic behavior. but he still called to say he loved me every night. in november he called to tell me he was going to columbia with his two best friends, both heavy drinkers and womanizers. somewhere in my heart I knew what would happen but I said nothing. I received florid love-letters and descriptions of his adventures and I began to think everything was ok. until he (drunkenly) mistakenly sent a message to me instead of to his best friend bragging about sleeping with a columbian girl "for free". i broke up with him immediately and he called me, sobbing so hard he couldn't talk, begging for mercy.
i, in my rage, told him some horrible things that i REALLY regret now, including that he should do me a favor and go choke on his cheap-wine vomit alone in a sleazy motel room. after that line he cried even harder, sobbing that he can't live with himself and everything he's done, and hung up the phone. I was afraid he'd committed suicide.a few days later i received word that he was with his father, about to enter rehab. he is there now, 'recovering' and sounding fantastic

but what about me? my semester was ruined academically. I am a pre-med and this is a very important year..but i am crippled with rage and grief. the o-chem books and all of my future dreams are just sitting on the shelf and i am unable to pick them up.
i am unable to let go.
i know he is undeserving, i know that he is the wrong man and i shouldve listened to my instincts a long time ago. but i can't forget the beautiful things, the trip across the US, the way we grieved for the child together.
i am trying so hard to stay centered and focused but I can't sleep at night.
i know he has a disease but i am still afraid i will carry this pain and hold it against any other man who should pursue me. this was a bad first 'adult' relationship for me (i'm only 20)....
he is in recovery.. i can forgive him, but should I help support him through this (while trying to get over him)? I didn't know that one person could cause so much damage in the quick span of 6 months..
if alcoholism is such a 'disease', can the host still be held responsible?
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Old 12-31-2007, 08:58 AM
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I am aware of my position as an ACOH and have been to therapy at school, however they don't have a large budget so it's not that often. I would normally have to pay--which is hard to do with no med insurance on an EMT salary) but after the councilor heard what was going on she said she'd help me as long as necessary. my parents know because I had to borrow money for medical bills. they are supportive but preoccupied with their own respective tragedies of the last year. I will look into al-anon when I get back, but school's in a tiny farmtown, so we will see..
and thanks for the support. I don't consider myself codependent, I think in this case I was blinded by lust. XABF was once going to do a photoshoot for a famous sunglasses company, but he got in a barfight the night before in which a bottle was smashed over his head and he had to go to the hospital and get stitches in his face. Maybe I shouldve paid more attention to the second part of the story than the first.
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