Pajarito

I'm trying to keep up and processing a lot of what's being discussed here- This struck me from a thread Heather started that meandered to choosing the wrong person/having a broken "picker" and now the thread is onto being single- which is fine, but something LTD brought up has been bothering me and I felt like starting a new thread with it- hope you don't mind LTD:

It was a huge turning point for me to be able to say "I chose the wrong person."

It was much easier to say I was in love, he fooled me, I believed him when he lied, I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I married him, it was good in the beginning and before I knew what happened I was trapped, he was so charming, he seemed like the perfect soul mate, or any other number of things that shifted the responsibility of MY CHOICE.

Perfectionism and fear of failure are two of my personality traits that I used to think were good for me. They are what made it soooooooo painful to admit that "I chose the wrong person." Not only that, "I chose to stay with the wrong person for 20 years and have two children with him." It's not easy to admit that. I hate to be wrong or imperfect, and I hate to fail at anything, especially relationships.

But blaming him does nothing to help me. In fact it hurts me because it makes me a victim. If I'm a victim, then I'm nothing more than a sitting duck waiting for the next jerk to come along and victimize me.

Taking responsibility for choosing the wrong person hurts, but at the same time it empowers me. If I admit I chose the wrong person, I have the power to make a better choice in the future. It's not something that "just happened" to me that I have to live in fear of "just happening" again. It's something I have control over--ME!

L

I'm trying to figure this out- did I pick the wrong person? If I look at the dream I had of having the picture perfect marriage- an equal, loving partner, responsible, healthy, raising kids together, growing old together- then NO, I didn't pick the right person. If I look at the opportunity I now have to grow from a horrible experience, to work through some childhood damage I have to admit contributed to my issues with my AH- than YES- I did pick the right person. My "hitting bottom" when he left me caused me to finally realize I had been trying to control something out of my control- another person. The person I was when I met him 17 years ago would not have been able to make a healthy choice for a partner. Hopefully now I will learn to make better choices- and maybe that would never have come to me if I had not picked him. Am I more confused than ever? I'm just trying to work through this- how did I make this choice? Why did I live for so long with what was unacceptable? I agree that my choice to live with him for so long was my making a bad choice, but if I had not chosen him we would not have our beautiful daughter. His leaving me has been something of an odd gift- if I choose to see it that way. I am not blaming him for everything. He did make some really poor choices throughout our marriage, but so did I. I am trying not to see myself as the victim- but as a dysfunctional partner- and I am choosing to get out so that I can create a healthier life for myself and daughter- and hopefully make better choices in future relationships. Still- I can't help but be confused about this topic- did I make the wrong choice by choosing to be with my AH? Do you think you made the wrong choice in your partner?

WantsOut

I always like the cynical expression, "Experience is that thing you get right after you need it."

I do not beat myself up about having picked someone who was not the best choice. I do understand that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Now we all have much more knowledge and hopefully our future mates will be better choices.

best

A broken picker that has been improved by life's experiences may still be a broken picker.
My personality needs drive who I would pick.
If my codie behaviors are running full force, I would seek out a person in need.
The best way for me to pick another who would be right for me... Figure out who "I" am, correct what can be corrected in me, and then...if I feel the need or desire to seek another, I might make a better choice.
I can make a different choice but I don't think I could have made a better choice then what I have already made.
No one else would have put up with me till I improved myself like she has.
Did she make a wrong choice? Yes but no. She made a choice that fit her needs and I was it. Who I am helped her become who she is and who she is helped me become who I am.
People say that who they pick is the person God intended for them.
In my case I would need agree but it has been no bed of roses for her in the past. Happily Ever After... well even in the story books, the prince needs overcome some obstacles before he reaches the princess and is able to give her a kiss.

Pajarito

Did she make a wrong choice? Yes but no. She made a choice that fit her needs and I was it. Who I am helped her become who she is and who she is helped me become who I am.

This makes more sense for me. Call me naive, but I had hoped my AH and I could help each other through recovery. It's not to be. I feel like I am miles ahead of him in my ability to be self-reflective. That doesn't make me a better person, though- just able to be realistic about my short-comings. . . something that seems to be sorely lacking in the alcoholic personality-unless there is a real grasp of recovery.

People say that who they pick is the person God intended for them.

I believe this too. I think everyone we meet has the ability to teach us something if we are open to what that is. I just wish this lesson wasn't so hard.

Thank you!

best

The sad thing... some don't learn.
I happen to be one who did and a big part of my learning came from my wife's learning. When she stopped enabling and started to seek recovery of her own issues... I feel that was the turning point that had me start to look at self and find my own answers for my issues.

Pajarito

Well, I am grateful to be learning- as hard as it is. I just wish it didn't mean leaving my AH behind. Good for you and your wife for "getting it."

Barbara52

Yes, my brrken picker led me to marry the wrong man. I have come to understand some of the reasons why I did this many of which relate to being an ACOA. I ignored the little voice inside me telling me not the marry that man but did it anyway for a variety of reasons. I made a big mistake.

I do not regret the marriage though. I benefitted in a number of ways, some financial, many more leading me to personal growth. I did love him for a time. Maybe my leaving will benefit him somewhere down the road. Did God lead me to him? I thought so back then for one set of reasons. Now I think perhaps so but for a different set of reasons. At the least God lead me to a new set of experiences and learnings I would not have had otherwise.

I am in the process of repairing my picker. IF, and that's big if at this point in time, I ever get involved with another man, I will not make the same mistakes. I will go into any new relationship with a great deal more self knowledge and a healthier mind.

SaTiT

I can't continue to question myself if i made a wrong chioce or not.
And I can't continue to be preach to by alki sober or not
in high places or low places i don't care. I don't take advice from
an alki in any case..here or anywhere else. Especailly a newly
sober person that dosen't attend any type of recovery program
other than just posting here on SR

If that's who i am..to today..well it is what it is.
hang my ass to the cross and lets babie that alki that's still using
in one form or the other. If people wanna play her game let them.
I know the woman is using. Is this productive to her recovery..
what freaken recovery ??? She came into recovery the same time
i did.. in 1992...well...something is not clicking for somebody,
if she's hasn't gotten truely clean and sober yet..

I came on this board to get away from her. She freaken stocks
me everywhere I go..it was the only place i would come to
fine peace of mind and rest from all of her BS.
Yes...damn it she stocks my ass at meetings too. But never
would actaully step inside and attend.


No... i did not make a wrong chioce..My partner F-up, it's as simple
as that. And i can't continue questioning myself and beat up myself
of loving someone.

Did i make a wrong chioce for purchasing PC so I can use it.
Is my fualt if my Agf use my PC to firt with guys on this board
even ??..Did I put myself in the posistion to get hurt ??
I don't think so....
and the modes wants to hold me accountable ???
well..they can all burn in hell too.


All i can share is my experince strength and hope.
I can relate to Heather and a lot of you in so many ways.
I don't know what answers Heather has or came up with.

If my agf wants to committe suicide today...LET HER..
It won't be the first time or the 100th time she threaten to do so
and I'm not going to loose anymore sleep over it anymore.

DetachMe9

No idea why this felt like the right thing to post here, Paj, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm still just too sad about my life this past week to talk about my own experience, strength, and hope - - so here's some old Alanis Morrisette:


How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

ARealLady

Do you think you made the wrong choice in your partner?

Yes...because as an addict, XABF wasn't available. And Melody Beattie addresses this subject so perfectly in Beyond Co-dependency. By the same token, as a separated person, I wasn't available to XABF.

ARL

kermit

I was going to say yes, then I thoght no, so I guess I have to say.. I have no idea!

I guess I'm still working on it

Growing

Great thread!

Satit, I get alot out of your posts each time, thank you.

This topic..wow..so hard an confusing..my mom struggles with this, dad was an abusive A, but she has us kids..ect.

I tend to agree with Satit..mom wasn't responsible for my dads horrible choices..but she made some mistakes too..she is only responsible for hers...I can't say if being with dad in the first place was a mistake.

I am like Kermit...still processing this.

This thread has helped me.

Thanks,

Growing

SaTiT

Here's my story....I'm not going through that again...ever !!!!!
If she dies she dies

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post610350

hope2bhappy

Exactly.

prodigal

Although I've been able to detach from my AH and feel loving compassion for him - and that only happened recently - I can honestly say that I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO MARRY THIS MAN. I was in codie/victim/enabler overdrive. Period. I married my AH for the WRONG reasons. I married him for SELFISH reasons. I married him for a zillion unhealthy reasons. Nothing good could possibly have resulted, given how deeply enmeshed I was in the man ...

So I'm no longer going to beat myself over the head with my dumb-blonde stick. It's the past. I cannot go back and fix it. I can only press on to what lies ahead. And I am certain, without a doubt, that what lies ahead will be far better than what lies behind.

Pajarito

This is <sort of> how I feel. When my AH and I dated and a few years into our marriage he seemed to me to be a healthy guy- ran, ran a marathon, biked, quit smoking, gardened with me, initiated doing things, was socially fun and had many friends. That has all slowly deteriorated. I keep looking back to try to figure out what happened- what did I miss. I went into our relationship hopeful, but there were some things I ignored that now drive me crazy. For one- he is an absolute slob. Did I think I could change him- or just live with it since I am very neat- I'd "help" him be organized? I tried. It was incredibly frustrating. Today I know I would never put up with that. IMHO- if a person is a slob/disorganized to that degree, how can their mind be organized or healthy?

I'm rambling. SaTIT- you make some great points. I think my AH made some really poor choices. Unfortunately I also made poor choices based on what he was doing/not doing. But, I don't want to beat myself up over it either. I want to learn from it.

Pajarito

B52- This is what I am trying to grasp. I think God/HP leads us to places if we are open to getting there. I have to believe my AH has had ample opportunity to be healthy too, but has not been open to it. I, on the other hand am choosing to get healthy. It's leading me away from him, though. I feel like I am grieving. I've been reading an al-anon book called Transforming our Losses (or something like that.) It's helping me to understand this loss I'm now dealing with- loss of a dream mostly. Loss of a vibrant person who is now a shell of his former self. Maybe loss of myself too. I was living a very narrow life. I am hoping to "find myself" again- but with a healthier ability to really live.

SaTiT

Pretty much the same as how you feel or your experience Pajarito.
She wasn't a nut case when i first met her. I didn't met her in a bar.
I met her at church.

I didn't expect her to be perfect. There where little things that
drove me up the walls...like walking on cold clothe hangers
every morning..I thought it was wierd. But it wasn't chacotic.
Me being ex-military, i knew I couldn't expect people to clean or wipe
on top of the door or polish the doer knob.

And she pretty knows what a healthy relationship should be like.
The first 5 years was pretty much peacful and a lot of happy times.

This is why i struggle very, very much as a lot of people do.
Becuase we remember how it was when it was sane.

I don't know if it's her or it's what people call the disease.
Becuase out of all things she was a social worker that helps children
out of alcoholic homes or abusive homes.
She didn't have bi polar then...
now she's drugged up the wazzo with all kinds of pills that her doctor precribe
and can't live with out them. Because after many years of being on the run.
The results still remains the same. Prescribe drugs or her self medicating she
acts the same as any other addict.
But once upon a time in her life..she knew that taking any mind altering substance
wasn't going to be so great for her...So I tend to belive..that she choose to use
or take her happy pills then suffers the withdraws of depression and the wreackages.


It's basically the same conclusion that i got as Heather did.
I can't figure it out..that's why i was going crazy.

That why I belive i didn't make a wrong chioce...life changed
on me or someone move the cheese on me after i got through
the maze. And I'm coming around to were i should try to stop
figuring that out too.

Pajarito

Yes- that's my struggle too SaTiT- I remember him when he was healthy- at least I thought he was healthy. I wonder about his behavior now and if the alcoholism is just magnifying bad behavior I ignored or didn't take as seriously. Now it's too big to ignore- and maybe I am so changed by the years that I just can't ignore it anymore.

I love that someone moved the cheese comment. I know there's a book about that with a title something like that. I need to look it up.

nowinsituation

Paj - I enjoy reading your posts so much, as we are in such similar situations. I'm scared to death to think about another relationship in the future. I have spent a lot of time examining the beginning of my relationship with my AH and dissecting everything. There were certainly some red flags I should have paid more attention to; but nothing in those early days even remotely indicated that we would be where we are today. We had a solid loving relationship, and common goals. It is cliche to say we "drifted apart" but we did. We tried to pretend everything was ok, but we quit communicating. He became disabled, and I stayed longer than I might have otherwise because I felt sorry for him. The alcohol issue was the last straw for me -- if he was not going to help himself, at least he should not be making it worse by drinking!! He says he fell in a hole and can't get out. I threw him a rope, but all he did with it was try to drag me down. Maybe after a while of taking care of me, I'll be ready to share with someone else again?

BTW - the book is "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, M.D. It is sitting on my shelf to be returned to the library. Great book -- easy read!