ccirider

At least for now. I am not saying that I won't be back, but for now I think it's best that I go. Getting addicted to codependents only makes one more codependent, so I have to watch myself.

I believe that sympathy has its place in people's lives, but codependents have a problem of feeling sorry for themselves and others. When healthy people suffer a loss, they grieve their loss, friends and family extend their sympathy to them, and after a period of mourning, they move on with their lives. The loss could be a loved one, could be a job, could be a marriage, could be anything. Codependents, OTOH, suffer losses just like everybody else, but the difference is they get stuck in their grief. Six months go by, 1 year goes by, 2 years go by, and they are still feeling sorry for themselves and seeking sympathy from others. They also find themselves feeling sorry for other people that they shouldn't and so they wind up in relationships that they shouldn't be in. Sometimes the most merciful thing that you can do for somebody is to not have sympathy for them.

My way of thinking is vastly different from most people here, but I can't change people, right? I do think that there are some wonderful people here. I have enjoyed the posts of LaTeeDa and FormerDoormat very much, and I wish them the best of luck on their journeys. I wish all of you the best of luck, and if I have done anybody wrong, I seek your forgiveness. Good luck to all of you.

Peace.

BayouSelf

I, just like many people on this website, was "stuck" for quite a few months myself, going back and forth from feeling great about splitting up with my AH to feeling horrible about it and waxing and waning for up to probably about 18 months.....but when I started out in Alanon, I was a sick pup and didn't realize yet how sick I was. It's really easy to say what people "should" be doing, but there are different ways of healing and different time frames. Some folks just take longer than others and that's why I feel so blessed to have had and still have supportive and "encouraging" people who stood by me from my Alanon meetings and on this web site. I firmly believe in lifting people up, praying for them, encouraging them, loving them, and being kind, compassionate and understanding. The people I tend to run from now are the ones who seem to "judge" me. I have no right to judge anyone about where they should be in their recovery, that is between them and their Higher Power and absolutely none of my business. All I can tell them is what worked for me and where I was and where I am now and I tell them to hang in there and believe it gets better, because my Faith tells me it does.

I recently started a thread called "Thinking For Yourself" and I believe that just like you, everyone has their own opinions of what works and what doesn't and I've read your posts and though I believe you are very well meaning, I can remember when I was in a very bad place, some of your posts would seem very hurtful, yes, honest, but not very helpful to me at that time.

I know its just a lot easier to say "Why don't you just snap out of it", but that's the last thing a depressed person who needs help needs to hear. I'm positive if it were just that easy to snap out of it, they'd be done already, though I do know those folks who seem to love wallowing in it, and hey, that's their business, but for the most part, I think people need our love, understanding, support and most of all, our encouragement.

nandm

What a well written post, I love the last part it rings so very true. Thanks for the great post.

ARealLady

Getting addicted to codependents only makes one more codependent, so I have to watch myself.


Addicted? I think you've misunderstood. This is a recovery forum and this board is a place of healing.

If you don't want to post then don't. If you don't want to read then don't. If you want to leave go quietly.

It doesn't strike me as a "kindness" to knock the people who were here when you needed us.

ARL

WantsOut

Ah, another dramatic, parting-shot, goodbye post. I wonder why people feel the need to do this. It seems like attention-seeking, passive-aggressive behavior - very codie-esque. "Look at me! I'm leaving! I mean it!"

swmnkdinthervr

and don't forget me...I may be back...projection is a mighty sword when wielded in ones own defense...

ARealLady

dramatic projection:rof

Now see....I wanted to say those things too but I was afraid I would be labelled very codie-esque for thinking them. I guess that makes me ULTRA codi-esque. Yikes! At least I am honest. Don't call the codie police, please!

ARL

Growing

ccrider,

I am new and am not sure what all this is about. Al-anon is like family and I guess this happens in family sometimes?

I hope you get to read this.

Your posts, that I have read recently, meaning, the past month, have really helped me. I don't know how long you have been here or what, ect.

You remind me of the old-timers in my home group and it has been very comforting to me. I know some will say, "What?". It is true.

I don't know *where I would be* today if not for those who were *tough* on me. There weren't alot of "tough love" people in my group but I highly respected those who were and I listened to them carefully when they shared *even if I didn't agree* with them. What about the slogan, "Take what you like and leave the rest?" people?

I am afraid now that I will begin to stick out on this board and that "tough love" will not be acceptable anymore. Tough love is what I practice when I eliminate a toxic persons influence from my life and when I stop treating myself toxically. To me, that is program.

I found your opinions on this board refreshing for their contrast. To me it was all a part of the balance that I long for.

That being said, I will miss your comments very much. I know it gets hard when you feel alone in your opinions, but your not. Sometimes you say what no one else has the nerve to say. Its like, man, I wish I could say that.

I feel bad for myself, truthfully. But I *KNOW* you know what you are doing and that your decision trully will be what is best for you. I trust what you are about. If you feel you should do this for yourself..then who am I to hinder you?

I think, JMHO, there are many, silent observers out there that share your view of the program.

I couldn't have recovered if everyone told me what I was doing was great, and encouraged *where I was at* without letting me know it was so much better, further up recovery road.

"Fuzzy feelings" and "I'm so sorry" ect. isn't your style.

I like your style.

We have to feel free to speak our mind!?!?

Please forum members: Al-anon slogan: "Take what you like and leave the rest."

I hope the rest of you don't stone me now...just kidding...lol...I think...

Growing

Janitw

Everyone heals at their own pace and if ccirider is all healed then great for them....however it will be a long long time before I am healed and my XAH left our family 2.5 years ago. All of our histories are different yet the same. Pain is pain. The last thing any of us need is salt in the wounds....

This is a recovery forum as stated above and who's to say that we are all on a 30 day or a six month time limit......that is nothing short of ridiculous.

Janitw

denny57

Something very valuable I learned in the program is to speak in the "I."

Miss Pink

I am also announcing my departure......


going to the bathroom. be back in 20.

BYE!

Janitw

Ummm Miss Pink ????? Can we please make it 10 ????

Miss Pink

sorry.....took longer than I thought.

When ya gotta go....ya gotta go...ya know?

geees poncho

leave them alone, and they'll come home, waggin their tales behind them.

KMMK

if there is one thing that bothers me is saying a person is addicted to another person, and then comparing it to a person being addicted to a drug/ drink.
it is NOT the same CCrider.
sorry if you dont agree.
Losing LOVE ...no matter how it comes about , is painful ..it is grieving,..it takes as long as it takes...it takes talking it thru..however long it takes..
to heal.
maybe it does not fit into your time frame of what is acceptable.but it is not up to you to decide what is right or wrong afterall.
we are human beings..we are not robots.
we have hearts and are not just beings operated by a logical and emotionless mind.
i love with my heart..and yes, sometimes our hearts can take us down a road that is not the best path for us.
sometimes we are stuck..
sometimes we need time to heal.
sometimes it takes a long time for that to happen.
sometimes we need an ear to listen...so we can vent..
not just because we are so hungry for sympathy!
oh ...my that is such a weird concept you have there.
if anything..what we are reaching out for, is to simply ease our inner pain.
not for sympathy.
So, if anything CCrider..i hope you will see that the pain, the hurt..is what drives us...not our codependent need for attention or sympathy.
nobody likes pain..nobody wants to be stuck...we all want to move on and get thru it..but its not as simple..as YOU would like us to believe and to behave.

living, breathing, feeling...with heart and soul..
in nyc.

Miss Pink

KMMK...

sorry love, disagree with you. I AM addicted to a relationship, ie: another person. It aint love hurt, thats for sure. I already processed that. The sick, self-destructive actions I have endured dont evolve from love.

A drug is a drug is a drug....alcohol, chemicals, food, sex, shopping, work......relationships.....the list can go on forever.

Its not the drug that causes the problem, tho it adds to it, its the *disease* that causes it. And, codependency is a disease.....it stems from the disease of alcoholism.

The family disease!

ccirider

Hi Bayouself:

I have no problem telling alcoholics and drug addicts that they should not pickup. Similarly, I have no problem telling codies that they should not feel sorry for themselves or seek sympathy from others. Sympathy is the drug that codies seek out to medicate the pain that they are in. It is their payoff and that is why they keep coming back to it.

I am not telling people what their time frame for recovery should be before they start to feel better. What I am saying is that there is no recovery without abstinence.

You may run from those who judge your behavior, but don't think for a minute that everybody is like you. What may be true for you is not necessarily true for everybody else. Moreover, I have never claimed, and never will claim, that my way is for everybody.

I have judged some people's behavior and told them honestly what I thought about what they were doing. On some occasions, I even questioned myself whether I was being brutally honest with them or just honest. Lo and behold, I would get PM's from them telling me that they wanted to hear more. Also, Growing has expressed in this thread that she benefits from my posts and likes my style, so don't think that my way doesn't work for anybody. My way works for me, and I know that it works for others, also. To each his own. You to your way and me to mine. Unfortunately, I think that there are many people here who don't want my way to see the light of day.

As I said before, I am not telling people where they should be in their recovery. What I am saying is don't delude yourself into thinking that you are in recovery while you are wallowing in self-pity. You must abstain from that behavior in order to go into recovery just like an addict must abstain from his behavior if he wants to recover. Sure, you may relapse and go back to self-pity, but that is okay. Most addicts do relapse. The point is you have to go into recovery in order to have a relapse.

A word about my HP and faith:

The Tsunami that hit Indonesia and hurricane Katrina were acts of God. How do I reconcile that in my head and heart? I cannot imagine God saying, "I am so sorry for what you are going through." Is He apologizing for what He did? The only way I can reconcile this in my head is to believe that He doesn't feel sorry for us. Empathy, yes. Sympathy, no. I believe that He wants us to learn something from the pain and suffering that we are going through. I don't believe that pain and suffering is pointless, but if we wallow in self-pity, we will miss the point.

Some people find my posts helpful and some don't. I am not a people pleaser.

Recovery isn't a process of snapping out of it, and I have never implied that it was. I have no idea where what you are talking about is coming from. You said yourself, "some folks do seem to love to wallow in it." All I am saying is that they sould not delude themselves that wallowing in it is a part of the recovery process. It's not. It's part of the addiction process.

Peace.

DesertEyes

People, kindly refrain from sniping at each other. This forum is for the sharing of experience, strength and hope, nothing else. The original poster of this thread was simply saying goodbye, and that he was not returning. Since the thread has degenerated into sniping I will now close it to prevent further inflamatory posts.

Mike