Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Moving On

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More

Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.

This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.

Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.

Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.

If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.

We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.

Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.

Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.

Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.

We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.

No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.

Our needs will get met.

Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

Change of any kind is still difficult for me, it tends to throw me off balance. But recovery has taught me that life is ever changing, and that just as the tide change and seasons change so must my life...it's how we grow.

Today when fear sets in about change, I remind myself that I am being led and that God is taking me to another stop in my journey. Then I just show up and let life happen.

Hugs

Babs

Thank you, Ann, I needed to read this today. My sons and I are going to visit their father at the half-way house, and it is very painful for all of us.

We want to let him know that we don't hate him and that we support his 16 months of sobriety, but we also do not want to get entangled in his web again. It is a fine line to walk.

Babs

Lobo

You would think with all of the changes that I have had to deal with in my life that I would be able to accept change real well.......but I struggle with that. I used to think that maybe that was because I was older, but I when I think back on my life I was always that way. I think keeping things the same is so comfortable for me and my comfort is something that I cherish.

Being forced to make changes is never easy, but inner strength always makes the journey a little easier. I have learned that there are a lot of things in my life that I have no control over. Learning all that I have learned from SR, and practicing the 3 C's, I am just letting life happen the way it is intended to.

Thanks Ann.....

Hugs............Lo

hello-kitty

I laughed when I read this... acceptance is a lot of grief. It just made me think of Charlie Brown. I mean, who ever heard of "Good Grief!"

Then the tears welled up in my eyes. Even though the addict in my life is not part of my daily life, there is still a thread that holds out hope that he can become a whole person some day. And part of me still wants to help. It's hard to cut that thread and truly let him go to his death. He's a dead man walking. He's like a moth drawn to a flame. I have to stop trying to convince him that he doesn't have to fly into it. He's a moth. That's what moths do.

But that's ok.

Cynay

Letting go and knowing that God is leading me on the path I need to be on.... that one is hard.

I have had more then a few opportunities to end unhealthy relationships in the last year... some I did not have to think about and knew it was unhealthy and was a good ending for me, others the clear cut line was not so easy to find, but I do trust and know that God will take care of the details.

There was also a time when I thought that endings were forever..... I have found that is not so.... sometimes endings are for length of time for both people to grow so when the relationship comes back together both are prepared for it and healthier.... so today when I see the ending it helps to know that maybe that person and I are just in the mist of growth and will be able to share a stronger relationship later.... so I better get growing.

I have the blessing to experience that just this Christmas, I reunited with my Little Sister... what a great feeling. I also had the opportunity to see a romantic relationship end and turn into a valued friendship in the last year... what a blessing. I have also seen unhealthy friendships finally come to an end and know in my heart it is the right decision to take care of myself ......Miracles happen and I know today we dont have the master plan...

But my key is acceptance and faith..... Im learning.

Live

Thank you sincerely and graciously. And to each of you who replied. I printed this out.
You have given me a new avenue to approach a most troublesome situation in my marriage. Instead of me arguing....almost daily, it seems so much more efficacious and less personalized (me mad)
Disowned stepson, crack fiend, dirty ua, out on bond! calling daily, drama, drama ad nauseum.
It is so much better to print this out, say it meant something to me..would you like to read it?
Hubs totally identified with the moth to the flame.
We are going to read and highlight and build an in basket of tools.
???? I keep saying what I mean and meaning what I say and everybody hates me, but I call it as I see it.
Denial has no place for truth.
The new SR is great and I am eagerly awaiting the stickies, but take it easy....it's the holidays!
respect and regards,
Tena/live

Abundance

I am not ready to let go.... I go through periods... where I'm strong... I hate him (really the addiction, and mostly the lies)... but then that hate corrupts me... back fires as it should... and I fall into a deep depression. But I feel so much stronger, but really I'm just weaker. I know the difference... I know better..... and yet.... doing it is so much harder than just talking about it.

I really hope that what you say up there in bold is true.....

marteen

Amen!