Told the Kids
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Told the Kids
OK, so some steps today. My recovering (newly--day 10 of detox/rehab today) ABF (Brian) has 4 kids (with 3 different mothers, no less...ages- boy:18, girl: 15, boy: 12, girl: 10). When he first left for detox, he didn't know what to tell them/didn't want to tell them where he was going, so he just left messages saying he was going to southern Ohio to take care of his birth mom who was sick. He was asking counselors in the detox what he should do, whether he should tell them the truth or just say he was going to be at his mom's for a long time. I guess he wasn't getting much of a response. He said this to his dad today, and his dad told him that Brian's ex-step-mom actually had already told the mother of his second youngest, so he might as well tell them all. So Brian called me to get all the numbers off his cell phone. This was at 4PM.
At 8:45PM, I get a text message from his oldest daughter (his two oldest have the same mom) asking "is my dad really in southern ohio xoxo" (She had also left a sad voicemail on Brian's cell phone last night asking when he was coming home so she could come visit....none of his kids have seen or talked to him since before Christmas...he left on Dec 19). So I called her back and asked if she had talked to her mom or dad. She said no. So, I told her. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have waited for her mom to tell her. But she obviously knew something was wrong. I told her, letting her know that her dad loved her and that if they wanted to go see him/talk to him, she can (other kids have been there), but if she didn't, he would understand and that was OK too. I also mentioned Naranon meetings, but that may be too much of a concept to grasp this early. I told her if she wanted to come over, or to talk to me, or ask questions, to just call. She seemed sad, and overwhelmed (of course) and I think was crying. She was with her brother, and she passed her phone to him and I told him the same thing. He mostly just said "OK", but he's an 18 year old boy and I wouldn't have expected much else.
So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I guess they hadn't seen their mom all day and were on their way home. So I hope I don't upset her by having told them first. I think she'll be OK with it (Brian just told me that she--his first ex-wife--had told him at some point recently that she thought he needed help. He had been buying pills from her sister).
Although I am refraining from emailing/calling Brian's ex-step-mom who took it upon herself, without talking to Brian, to tell the mom of his youngest son. I don't really have much contact with her other than family events and her monthly (or more) mass emailings of spammy forwarded mail. I do think she was out of place, and this mother (of his youngest son) could definitely hold it against Brian and refuse to let him see his son (has pulled that trick before in the past, usually about money issues, though). I just worry about his son, whether she has told him, and how she has told him. This kid is already having problems (he lies a lot, has gotten in trouble at school and recently stole $100 from his mom's purse), and I worry for his future and well-being. When he stole the $100, his mom told him that he was the reason she and her husband (the kid's step-dad) were going to get a divorce. I just hope she isn't filling his son's head with lies about how Brian doesn't love him. If she refuses to let Brian see his son, that's just something Brian is going to have to deal with. I hate that she uses her son as a pawn, but there isn't much I can do about it.
Sorry this is so long.
Love you guys!
Vanessa
At 8:45PM, I get a text message from his oldest daughter (his two oldest have the same mom) asking "is my dad really in southern ohio xoxo" (She had also left a sad voicemail on Brian's cell phone last night asking when he was coming home so she could come visit....none of his kids have seen or talked to him since before Christmas...he left on Dec 19). So I called her back and asked if she had talked to her mom or dad. She said no. So, I told her. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I should have waited for her mom to tell her. But she obviously knew something was wrong. I told her, letting her know that her dad loved her and that if they wanted to go see him/talk to him, she can (other kids have been there), but if she didn't, he would understand and that was OK too. I also mentioned Naranon meetings, but that may be too much of a concept to grasp this early. I told her if she wanted to come over, or to talk to me, or ask questions, to just call. She seemed sad, and overwhelmed (of course) and I think was crying. She was with her brother, and she passed her phone to him and I told him the same thing. He mostly just said "OK", but he's an 18 year old boy and I wouldn't have expected much else.
So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I guess they hadn't seen their mom all day and were on their way home. So I hope I don't upset her by having told them first. I think she'll be OK with it (Brian just told me that she--his first ex-wife--had told him at some point recently that she thought he needed help. He had been buying pills from her sister).
Although I am refraining from emailing/calling Brian's ex-step-mom who took it upon herself, without talking to Brian, to tell the mom of his youngest son. I don't really have much contact with her other than family events and her monthly (or more) mass emailings of spammy forwarded mail.
I do think she was out of place, and this mother (of his youngest son) could definitely hold it against Brian and refuse to let him see his son (has pulled that trick before in the past, usually about money issues, though). I just worry about his son, whether she has told him, and how she has told him. This kid is already having problems (he lies a lot, has gotten in trouble at school and recently stole $100 from his mom's purse), and I worry for his future and well-being. When he stole the $100, his mom told him that he was the reason she and her husband (the kid's step-dad) were going to get a divorce. I just hope she isn't filling his son's head with lies about how Brian doesn't love him. If she refuses to let Brian see his son, that's just something Brian is going to have to deal with. I hate that she uses her son as a pawn, but there isn't much I can do about it.Sorry this is so long.
Love you guys!
Vanessa
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Vanessa,
I don't really know what to say to you, except that I know that it's really hard to deal with how it affects children of addicts. It's really so sad and basicly a no-win situation. You just have to handle things the best way that you can and be compassionate. Try to think of how you would want to be treated if you were each of their ages in their situations. I can say that I do hope that your ABF really takes his recovery very seriously this time. There are alot of people's lives affected by the choices of addicts. I hope that maybe you will look for a face-2-face meeting for yourself, if you haven't already. These meetings are so very helpful. Keep coming back.
I don't really know what to say to you, except that I know that it's really hard to deal with how it affects children of addicts. It's really so sad and basicly a no-win situation. You just have to handle things the best way that you can and be compassionate. Try to think of how you would want to be treated if you were each of their ages in their situations. I can say that I do hope that your ABF really takes his recovery very seriously this time. There are alot of people's lives affected by the choices of addicts. I hope that maybe you will look for a face-2-face meeting for yourself, if you haven't already. These meetings are so very helpful. Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
I'm planning on going to my first Naranon meeting tonight (Saturday). I'm nervous, but know it will be good for me.
Thanks so much for your response and your caring.
His oldest daughter is going to come stay here on Sunday. I think I am going to see her dad on Sunday, so I will see if she is able to and if she wants to come. And she said her mom was fine that I had told them.
Thanks so much for your response and your caring.
His oldest daughter is going to come stay here on Sunday. I think I am going to see her dad on Sunday, so I will see if she is able to and if she wants to come. And she said her mom was fine that I had told them.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Yes, it's very difficult for the children of addicts but at their ages, they deserve to be told the truth.
Besides, IMHO, you are enabling him by going along with those lies to cover up what his actions don't lie to anyone. You will probably discover that the kids are not as stupid or naive as he thinks. The truth always comes out anyway so unless you are a born liar, don't get caught up in it. And tell your abf that you will not lie for him; what IS, IS and if he doesn't like it, HE has to make that decision and work his butt off to change it. He is the one who made it a reality; no one else.
I know it's tough but when you are caught in the middle of something, it's always best to be on the truthful side of things.
Hugs,
Marteen
Besides, IMHO, you are enabling him by going along with those lies to cover up what his actions don't lie to anyone. You will probably discover that the kids are not as stupid or naive as he thinks. The truth always comes out anyway so unless you are a born liar, don't get caught up in it. And tell your abf that you will not lie for him; what IS, IS and if he doesn't like it, HE has to make that decision and work his butt off to change it. He is the one who made it a reality; no one else.
I know it's tough but when you are caught in the middle of something, it's always best to be on the truthful side of things.
Hugs,
Marteen
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Oh, gosh...no, I was never caught in the middle. I won't let myself be. I typically only see the kids when they would come over when he was here also. I never directly lied to anyone for him. None of the kids or the moms had asked me before where he was.
The text message from his daughter was the first contact I had had with them, and I responded by calling her and telling her what was going on.
I have never let myself feel in the middle of things. What he did, he has done to himself. Everyone important in my life (my family, friends and my boss) knows he is an addict, and most have known since I have known. I do regret not telling his family after the first time he got clean. Not because I think it would have prevented this relapse, but because they wouldn't be out all the money he "borrowed" from them.
I don't think it was ever a matter (for him or me) of not telling the kids at all. It was more a matter of when and how. The older kids weren't so much an issue. Even though it is hard for them, of course, they can understand things a bit better. The younger kids were what he/we kinda wanted the opinion of the counselors as to how to handle telling them. It's none of the kids' fault that he is an addict, and protecting them should be top priority. If you want to say that by not calling all of them up right away and telling them is lying, then maybe I did. I just figured it was best to get the opinion of the counselors on how to handle it.
But, everyone knows now, which is good. Thanks so much for your support!
The text message from his daughter was the first contact I had had with them, and I responded by calling her and telling her what was going on.
I have never let myself feel in the middle of things. What he did, he has done to himself. Everyone important in my life (my family, friends and my boss) knows he is an addict, and most have known since I have known. I do regret not telling his family after the first time he got clean. Not because I think it would have prevented this relapse, but because they wouldn't be out all the money he "borrowed" from them.
I don't think it was ever a matter (for him or me) of not telling the kids at all. It was more a matter of when and how. The older kids weren't so much an issue. Even though it is hard for them, of course, they can understand things a bit better. The younger kids were what he/we kinda wanted the opinion of the counselors as to how to handle telling them. It's none of the kids' fault that he is an addict, and protecting them should be top priority. If you want to say that by not calling all of them up right away and telling them is lying, then maybe I did. I just figured it was best to get the opinion of the counselors on how to handle it.
But, everyone knows now, which is good. Thanks so much for your support!
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
That is a good thing that you were never caught in the middle. I'm glad that you were thinking of the childrens' welfare; that is really the most important.
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder. I'm glad they know; now they can deal with the issue at hand. It's never easy for anyone but children have such a knack of blaming themselves when things go wrong with thier parents. Hopefully, they will get the necessary help and counseling to realize that it is not their fault and that their father is ill.
You done good!
Hugs,
Marteen
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder. I'm glad they know; now they can deal with the issue at hand. It's never easy for anyone but children have such a knack of blaming themselves when things go wrong with thier parents. Hopefully, they will get the necessary help and counseling to realize that it is not their fault and that their father is ill.
You done good!
Hugs,
Marteen
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Yeah, that is definitely what I worry most about. I just don't want his kids negatively affected cause of this. If he has to deal with any consequences, then that's his problem. When he said that one his "chores" at rehab might be cleaning the bathrooms, I said "good!" He laughed.
When his daughter comes over tomorrow, I'll see if she has any questions. I know it was a big bomb to drop on them (even though, as you said, they knew something was wrong). I'm sure, at least at first, they won't even know what questions to ask. But his daughter I know will feel comfortable coming to me if she wants to know something or needs something. I'm not so sure about his 18 year old son. When I was talking to him about it, and he was just saying "OK....OK....OK", it sounded like the "typical" 18 year old boy response, like his "OK" actually meant: "OK, not a big deal, I don't really care, I'm fine, doesn't matter to me." Although I am sure he is hurting cause of it.
Looking into Naranon for the kids. The one kids' meeting I know of is on Tuesday nights. I work this Tuesday, but not the following. Also, it is at the place I went to today where the meeting never happened (I posted about it in "My first Naranon meeting" thread). And I think there is a meeting for family at Brian's rehab this Wednesday, which I could go to, and take them if the meeting allows.
Thanks again!
When his daughter comes over tomorrow, I'll see if she has any questions. I know it was a big bomb to drop on them (even though, as you said, they knew something was wrong). I'm sure, at least at first, they won't even know what questions to ask. But his daughter I know will feel comfortable coming to me if she wants to know something or needs something. I'm not so sure about his 18 year old son. When I was talking to him about it, and he was just saying "OK....OK....OK", it sounded like the "typical" 18 year old boy response, like his "OK" actually meant: "OK, not a big deal, I don't really care, I'm fine, doesn't matter to me." Although I am sure he is hurting cause of it.
Looking into Naranon for the kids. The one kids' meeting I know of is on Tuesday nights. I work this Tuesday, but not the following. Also, it is at the place I went to today where the meeting never happened (I posted about it in "My first Naranon meeting" thread). And I think there is a meeting for family at Brian's rehab this Wednesday, which I could go to, and take them if the meeting allows.
Thanks again!
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