Hello, I am new
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Jackson, MS
Posts: 3
Hello, I am new
I'm not hip to the lingo just yet, so I will spell it out that my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is an alcoholic. I just became aware of the extent a couple months ago, and everything came to a head this week when he got a 2nd DUI. I had to go get him from jail and I was so upset. I gave him the ultimatum that I dreaded to have to give: Go get help, or I am leaving. He was so drunk that night (blew a .37) that I knew I'd have to reiterate the fact the next day, which I did. He is finally ready and willing to do something about his problem, which I now know has been a problem for a very long time. Like most alcoholics he was very good at covering up and hiding things, and was pretty functional up until recently when he lost his job (not due to drinking, believe it or not).
I thought finding an online support group would be nice in addition to going to actual Al-Anon and other Family Support meetings. My BF is an attorney and his best friend and fellow attorney is going to help us get him checked in somewhere and get his penalties reduced. He deserves punishment, no doubt, but he also deserves the chance to be a productive member of society when he gets out of rehab, so hopefully he can find a new, better job and stay on the road to recovery.
Any and all advice is welcome. I don't want to leave him, and I plan to stick by him through all of this, but ultimately I will stick to my ultimatum if he doesn't hold up his end of the deal. I know that I have to take care of myself first and foremost.
I thought finding an online support group would be nice in addition to going to actual Al-Anon and other Family Support meetings. My BF is an attorney and his best friend and fellow attorney is going to help us get him checked in somewhere and get his penalties reduced. He deserves punishment, no doubt, but he also deserves the chance to be a productive member of society when he gets out of rehab, so hopefully he can find a new, better job and stay on the road to recovery.
Any and all advice is welcome. I don't want to leave him, and I plan to stick by him through all of this, but ultimately I will stick to my ultimatum if he doesn't hold up his end of the deal. I know that I have to take care of myself first and foremost.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
welcome Chick.....
good to hear you will go to alanon. Its the only way for me to survive alcoholism.
Advice, since you asked....
Do not make his legal penalties easier. He can get a lawyer, whom Im sure can take care of everything,,,,,,but if its all cleaned up and made tidy for him, he wont learn the lesson. He will see that everyone can clean up his mess, and he will have NO motivation to get sober. Unless he is seriously serious about getting sober, even your ultimatum wont do anything.
Alcoholics only get sober when it hurts that bad.....take away the pain, you take away the motivation. Thats the way it is with this disease.
Dont enable, dont fix, dont resuce, dont sacrifice yourself.....best advice I can offer.
Wish you good luck!
good to hear you will go to alanon. Its the only way for me to survive alcoholism.
Advice, since you asked....
Do not make his legal penalties easier. He can get a lawyer, whom Im sure can take care of everything,,,,,,but if its all cleaned up and made tidy for him, he wont learn the lesson. He will see that everyone can clean up his mess, and he will have NO motivation to get sober. Unless he is seriously serious about getting sober, even your ultimatum wont do anything.
Alcoholics only get sober when it hurts that bad.....take away the pain, you take away the motivation. Thats the way it is with this disease.
Dont enable, dont fix, dont resuce, dont sacrifice yourself.....best advice I can offer.
Wish you good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Jackson, MS
Posts: 3
I understand what you are saying, and he is definitely hurting right now. He will still have to pay a fine and go without a license for a year (that is IF we can get the judge to agree), but none of these things will happen if he doesn't go to rehab first. He will go either way, but at least this way when he gets out it will be a tad bit easier to find a new job and move on. I wouldn't go along with it if he was getting out of everything scot-free, believe me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Sounds like you have a beautiful plan. Here's my story:
The first misconception I had was that I could fix my AH and correct all the messes he brought into our lives. I was never able to fix anything about this situation. Nothing I said or did made any difference. It was one broken promise after another. Millions of disappointments in my efforts to "help." That was the reality of my life with an A.
So where did that leave me? Alone and on the outside.
The second misconception I had was that IF he got sober, we would live happily ever after like "normal" married folks. Then he found sobriety. There's no question that I prefer the sober him over the drunk him. But "happily ever after"? The jury's still out on that one. My AH is SO involved with the program, that sometimes I don't even feel like I exist in his world. The only way for him to maintain his sobriety is to completely commit to the program. We're talking AA every single day of his life -- sometimes twice a day -- sometimes three times a day on weekends. And not just meetings. This includes service within the AA family. AA has become his life. That is the reality of my life with a recovering A.
So where has that left me? Alone and on the outside.
Bottom line, I think, is this: Life with an alcoholic (whether drinking or sober) is not, and never will be a normal relationship.
You will soon learn about misconception # 1. I don't care if you hire the best attorney in town, it won't change anything -- unless he is ready to change. And even those who are ready to change don't/can't stick to it unless they receive "the blessing." (A term I use for the miracle of sobriety.) It's more than just going through the motions. Given the odds of success, it's a real blessing.
With luck, you will eventually come to know misconception # 2. But your life will never be normal (based on our usual definition of normal). Drinking, or not. Life with an A is very, very difficult.
I would like to see all of your endeavors succeed and wish you the very best in this.
The first misconception I had was that I could fix my AH and correct all the messes he brought into our lives. I was never able to fix anything about this situation. Nothing I said or did made any difference. It was one broken promise after another. Millions of disappointments in my efforts to "help." That was the reality of my life with an A.
So where did that leave me? Alone and on the outside.
The second misconception I had was that IF he got sober, we would live happily ever after like "normal" married folks. Then he found sobriety. There's no question that I prefer the sober him over the drunk him. But "happily ever after"? The jury's still out on that one. My AH is SO involved with the program, that sometimes I don't even feel like I exist in his world. The only way for him to maintain his sobriety is to completely commit to the program. We're talking AA every single day of his life -- sometimes twice a day -- sometimes three times a day on weekends. And not just meetings. This includes service within the AA family. AA has become his life. That is the reality of my life with a recovering A.
So where has that left me? Alone and on the outside.
Bottom line, I think, is this: Life with an alcoholic (whether drinking or sober) is not, and never will be a normal relationship.
You will soon learn about misconception # 1. I don't care if you hire the best attorney in town, it won't change anything -- unless he is ready to change. And even those who are ready to change don't/can't stick to it unless they receive "the blessing." (A term I use for the miracle of sobriety.) It's more than just going through the motions. Given the odds of success, it's a real blessing.
With luck, you will eventually come to know misconception # 2. But your life will never be normal (based on our usual definition of normal). Drinking, or not. Life with an A is very, very difficult.
I would like to see all of your endeavors succeed and wish you the very best in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Jackson, MS
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your responses and encouragement. I too hope that he is on his way to recovery. He so far seems to be all for it. But I'm prepared for rough waters, and I know life will never be a piece of cake. I look forward to learning about myself as much as I will learn about him and how addiction has affected him.
Thanks again!
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome to SR Chick....
I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and with all the usual dui's (6) embarrassing moments, notorious lies, ect....and a very long time ago one of my XAH's attorney's told met this: "Jan...you have 2 options here: 1. Divorce him now and cut your losses or 2. plan on being the sole bread winner of your family." This attorney was for dui #3. And in the end he left me and his kids for another alcoholic. Life for you will NEVER be normal. Might I suggest that you run and run fast and don't look back.
I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and with all the usual dui's (6) embarrassing moments, notorious lies, ect....and a very long time ago one of my XAH's attorney's told met this: "Jan...you have 2 options here: 1. Divorce him now and cut your losses or 2. plan on being the sole bread winner of your family." This attorney was for dui #3. And in the end he left me and his kids for another alcoholic. Life for you will NEVER be normal. Might I suggest that you run and run fast and don't look back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I personally know people that have recovered from alcoholism/drugs. Many have recovered so well you would never know they ever had a problem unless someone told you. I also know those who are sober but definitely not playing with a full deck.
The licensed professionals may be more motivated to recover as their license in in jeopardy. This from a plastic surgeon very well recovered addict that chairs a committee that oversees impaired lawyers, judges, dentists, etc etc.
Supposedly the US legal profession has a 15% rate of alcoholism and a website dedicated to the same.
There are recovered addicts that have left the baggage behind. Those on this forum myself included, have often not seen their loved one recover or recover to that degree. I would say it is not emotionally good for you to set high expectations should they not be fulfilled.
The licensed professionals may be more motivated to recover as their license in in jeopardy. This from a plastic surgeon very well recovered addict that chairs a committee that oversees impaired lawyers, judges, dentists, etc etc.
Supposedly the US legal profession has a 15% rate of alcoholism and a website dedicated to the same.
There are recovered addicts that have left the baggage behind. Those on this forum myself included, have often not seen their loved one recover or recover to that degree. I would say it is not emotionally good for you to set high expectations should they not be fulfilled.
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