Dying to tell my little secret
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 3
Dying to tell my little secret
Well,
Here it is...for 12 years my alcoholism has controlled my life. That's right, I am an alcoholic - always have been; always will be. That statement is a very big step for me, as I'm sure it is has been for many and will be for many more. I guess that is the first step, right, admitting where we failed, if but only to find support from others and in ourselves. My hope is that anyone who bothers to read this will forgive the at-times rambling incantations of a lonely man who is trying to recall the path that led him here if but only to find a way back.
I was 16 years old when I had my first drink, but in reality it was at that moment that I realized I had been a drunk my whole life. Of everything that I don't remember, it really is surprising how vivid in my mind the first time I got drunk is. I remember everything from that night - the people, the drinks, the music, the conversation - everything in unprejudiced detail. The effects of that night are twofold: a)the only relationships I would be able to form would be centered around alcohol; b)since I only could form relationships based on alcohol, I felt the closeness I desired, could only be found in alcohol. At the time, anyone who noticed, just chalked my drinking up to adolescence and angst, but I knew it was much deeper. As I always said, "I don't play drinking games. Drinking is hard work." High school ended, and my college years began.
I was a bright person, and had my choice of pretty much any university. My parents were poor, but I was able to secure scholarships and grants. I bounced from college to college, state to state and country to country. As I recollect on these years, I now see the signs of early geographicals, long before I knew what a geographical was. Really what was happening was I was looking for a comfortable place that could comfortably sustain my drinking. In 1999, I moved to Germany. I enrolled in school, found a place to live and worked illegally on a student visa. It was easy to hide my addictions there. As a student I was pretty well taken care of by the state: subsidized housing, stipends, cheap transportation and free health care. It was an amazing time. I drank. I didn't have to hide and I had more than enough people around me who, for whatever reason, wanted me around. I returned in 2001 and people noticed the change but nobody was outwardly concerned. I was extremely educated, well-versed and well-traveled. I could speak three languages and could handle myself in nearly any situation. I even gave up all of my other vices: pot, cigarettes, wine and liquor. I was strictly a beer man. Then came college graduation. I was all of 10 days out of college before I re-enrolled. Why? Because it was my safe zone. At that point, with all of the credits I had amassed, I could pretty much complete any degree in a matter of a year or less. So I stayed in low paying jobs, going to school, earning degrees, fueling my alcoholism. I finally finished undergrad in 2003. My drinking was in-line and I had separated myself from all of my "bad influences".
Again, after 3 months of work, I started to panic and fell back to my old habits. The drinking was at an all time high, as was the loneliness. To try to re-find that happiness that I had experienced in Germany, I secured a place of study at a University in England. I thought for sure, this time I had it figured out - I would move to the UK, complete my PhD, find an adoring wife, and begin my international life of importance. It never works out like we plan, because it's never planned. What actually happened was that I confronted myself. She was me, but not me. It was as if two people started out exactly the same, zigged where the other zagged, only to come round full circle to confront each other. The only difference was that she was in recovery. This was the first "alcoholic" I had ever met, I was amazed at how happy she was. At the same time I was embarrassed and ashamed at how crippled I was at this point. Especially because, since she was me, and had been there, she could see me for what I am - broken. This was extremely hard for me, so I left. I am sorry, I miss you and I hope you are well.
I finished my degrees and found employment. In the last three weeks, the following has happened: 1) It took 17 garbage bags to clean the beer bottles out of my apartment from 2 weeks just so the complex manager could come in and check the fire detectors. 2) I have had to scramble to secure 5 other people's jobs because of my own incompetence and inability to effectively deal with stress. 3) I have spent more on beer than I have on food, rent and gas. In short, I am sick, I am dying and I don't know what to do, but I know I have to change.
If you've read this far...I'm sorry. Sorry for making you reread the same story you've read before, or even perhaps lived. While your exact details, geography or timeline may be different, the plot is most likely the same: I am an alcoholic, I have made a mess of my life, I have alienated and left those that I care for the most, only to find myself alone trying to figure out what to do.
If you're still reading, maybe you can give me some advice. I need help. I know that. It's not just my life and livelihood at stake any more. I want to go to an AA meeting, but am confused about some of the terminology. What is an open meeting? What is a closed meeting? What is it like? What are they going to ask? What are they going to ask of me? I know I have to answer some of the harder questions myself, but hopefully someone can help me with these basics.
This post is a solely selfish act and very hard. I am posting for my own benefit - input, catharsis, help. I am sorry. This is the only record of this part of my life. I have never told anyone these things about me. This is my secret.
Here it is...for 12 years my alcoholism has controlled my life. That's right, I am an alcoholic - always have been; always will be. That statement is a very big step for me, as I'm sure it is has been for many and will be for many more. I guess that is the first step, right, admitting where we failed, if but only to find support from others and in ourselves. My hope is that anyone who bothers to read this will forgive the at-times rambling incantations of a lonely man who is trying to recall the path that led him here if but only to find a way back.
I was 16 years old when I had my first drink, but in reality it was at that moment that I realized I had been a drunk my whole life. Of everything that I don't remember, it really is surprising how vivid in my mind the first time I got drunk is. I remember everything from that night - the people, the drinks, the music, the conversation - everything in unprejudiced detail. The effects of that night are twofold: a)the only relationships I would be able to form would be centered around alcohol; b)since I only could form relationships based on alcohol, I felt the closeness I desired, could only be found in alcohol. At the time, anyone who noticed, just chalked my drinking up to adolescence and angst, but I knew it was much deeper. As I always said, "I don't play drinking games. Drinking is hard work." High school ended, and my college years began.
I was a bright person, and had my choice of pretty much any university. My parents were poor, but I was able to secure scholarships and grants. I bounced from college to college, state to state and country to country. As I recollect on these years, I now see the signs of early geographicals, long before I knew what a geographical was. Really what was happening was I was looking for a comfortable place that could comfortably sustain my drinking. In 1999, I moved to Germany. I enrolled in school, found a place to live and worked illegally on a student visa. It was easy to hide my addictions there. As a student I was pretty well taken care of by the state: subsidized housing, stipends, cheap transportation and free health care. It was an amazing time. I drank. I didn't have to hide and I had more than enough people around me who, for whatever reason, wanted me around. I returned in 2001 and people noticed the change but nobody was outwardly concerned. I was extremely educated, well-versed and well-traveled. I could speak three languages and could handle myself in nearly any situation. I even gave up all of my other vices: pot, cigarettes, wine and liquor. I was strictly a beer man. Then came college graduation. I was all of 10 days out of college before I re-enrolled. Why? Because it was my safe zone. At that point, with all of the credits I had amassed, I could pretty much complete any degree in a matter of a year or less. So I stayed in low paying jobs, going to school, earning degrees, fueling my alcoholism. I finally finished undergrad in 2003. My drinking was in-line and I had separated myself from all of my "bad influences".
Again, after 3 months of work, I started to panic and fell back to my old habits. The drinking was at an all time high, as was the loneliness. To try to re-find that happiness that I had experienced in Germany, I secured a place of study at a University in England. I thought for sure, this time I had it figured out - I would move to the UK, complete my PhD, find an adoring wife, and begin my international life of importance. It never works out like we plan, because it's never planned. What actually happened was that I confronted myself. She was me, but not me. It was as if two people started out exactly the same, zigged where the other zagged, only to come round full circle to confront each other. The only difference was that she was in recovery. This was the first "alcoholic" I had ever met, I was amazed at how happy she was. At the same time I was embarrassed and ashamed at how crippled I was at this point. Especially because, since she was me, and had been there, she could see me for what I am - broken. This was extremely hard for me, so I left. I am sorry, I miss you and I hope you are well.
I finished my degrees and found employment. In the last three weeks, the following has happened: 1) It took 17 garbage bags to clean the beer bottles out of my apartment from 2 weeks just so the complex manager could come in and check the fire detectors. 2) I have had to scramble to secure 5 other people's jobs because of my own incompetence and inability to effectively deal with stress. 3) I have spent more on beer than I have on food, rent and gas. In short, I am sick, I am dying and I don't know what to do, but I know I have to change.
If you've read this far...I'm sorry. Sorry for making you reread the same story you've read before, or even perhaps lived. While your exact details, geography or timeline may be different, the plot is most likely the same: I am an alcoholic, I have made a mess of my life, I have alienated and left those that I care for the most, only to find myself alone trying to figure out what to do.
If you're still reading, maybe you can give me some advice. I need help. I know that. It's not just my life and livelihood at stake any more. I want to go to an AA meeting, but am confused about some of the terminology. What is an open meeting? What is a closed meeting? What is it like? What are they going to ask? What are they going to ask of me? I know I have to answer some of the harder questions myself, but hopefully someone can help me with these basics.
This post is a solely selfish act and very hard. I am posting for my own benefit - input, catharsis, help. I am sorry. This is the only record of this part of my life. I have never told anyone these things about me. This is my secret.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
If you've read this far...I'm sorry. Sorry for making you reread the same story you've read before, or even perhaps lived. While your exact details, geography or timeline may be different, the plot is most likely the same: I am an alcoholic, I have made a mess of my life, I have alienated and left those that I care for the most, only to find myself alone trying to figure out what to do.
If you're still reading, maybe you can give me some advice. I need help. I know that. It's not just my life and livelihood at stake any more. I want to go to an AA meeting, but am confused about some of the terminology. What is an open meeting? What is a closed meeting? What is it like? What are they going to ask? What are they going to ask of me? I know I have to answer some of the harder questions myself, but hopefully someone can help me with these basics.
This post is a solely selfish act and very hard. I am posting for my own benefit - input, catharsis, help. I am sorry. This is the only record of this part of my life. I have never told anyone these things about me. This is my secret.
If you're still reading, maybe you can give me some advice. I need help. I know that. It's not just my life and livelihood at stake any more. I want to go to an AA meeting, but am confused about some of the terminology. What is an open meeting? What is a closed meeting? What is it like? What are they going to ask? What are they going to ask of me? I know I have to answer some of the harder questions myself, but hopefully someone can help me with these basics.
This post is a solely selfish act and very hard. I am posting for my own benefit - input, catharsis, help. I am sorry. This is the only record of this part of my life. I have never told anyone these things about me. This is my secret.
This thread will help explain some of the terminology regarding the types of AA meetings.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html
As far as what will be asked of you. Nothing more than is asked of you here. Anyone is welcome in an AA meeting. The only requirment for membership is a desire to stop drinking. AA meetings are pretty basic. Usually a person sits at the front of the room (they are called a chairperson). They share their experience, strength, and hope (their story). Then they call on people in the room to share their experience, strength, and hope related to what the chairperson shared on or topic presented. If you are called on to share, you are not obligated to do so. If you don't feel like you are ready to share in a meeting all you have to do is something like "thank you but I think I will just listen tonight." You will here people introducing themselves before speaking by saying "hi, my name is John Doe and I'm an alcoholic." If you choose to introduce yourself in this way that is fine. Give a meeting a try. I do suggest that if you can, let people in the meeting know you are new to AA. You will usually find a lot of support that way. Often times there will be a time during the meeting when they present sobriety coins. If they offer a 24 hour coin please take it. This coin represents the basis for AA, we only have one day that we can work on and that day is today. I do not have to worry about not drinking for the rest of my life. I only have to make it through today. Keep the coin in your pocket and when you feel like drinking pull it out and remember that you only need to not drink today. Many people say to put it in your mouth and when it melts it is okay to drink.
I hope you find a solution in AA. I know I did after 20 years of drinking. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe you will find you fit right in with the rest of us drunks....lol Welcome home. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. You can also check out some of the stories from people who post here, you may find similiarties, hope, and help in them. Here is a link to that area. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/stories-recovery/
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
welcome ODM to SR.
it's quite easy to find AA advice in the phone book ... and everyone there is helpful in answering your questions about meetings and times and locations.
I have to say here at the beginning though if you're going to try to detox on your own - I can't emphasize enough the importance of a doctor's supervision during the first stages of detox and recovery.
The only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking.
Keep posting.
I'm here ... and others will be along soon to help you out as well.
I've got 16 months sober in the Fellowship - there's others here who have years and years.
And I have no hesitation what so ever to attribute that sobriety to the God of my understanding working through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
A closed meeting - is limited discussion to alcohol.
in some areas - it's limited to alcoholics only.
Just us drunks.
An open meeting - generally - is open to addicts, family members, etc. and the discussion is either open sharing or is a speaker with discussion afterward.
You do not at any time have to share.
If you call the number in your area - you will find out the meetings , locations, times ... and also you often can arrange for someone to meet you at the location.
We're all in this together.
And umn ... dude.
That was one messy apartment.
Congrats on getting that out of the way.
Nice to meet you!
it's quite easy to find AA advice in the phone book ... and everyone there is helpful in answering your questions about meetings and times and locations.
I have to say here at the beginning though if you're going to try to detox on your own - I can't emphasize enough the importance of a doctor's supervision during the first stages of detox and recovery.
The only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking.
Keep posting.
I'm here ... and others will be along soon to help you out as well.
I've got 16 months sober in the Fellowship - there's others here who have years and years.
And I have no hesitation what so ever to attribute that sobriety to the God of my understanding working through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
A closed meeting - is limited discussion to alcohol.
in some areas - it's limited to alcoholics only.
Just us drunks.
An open meeting - generally - is open to addicts, family members, etc. and the discussion is either open sharing or is a speaker with discussion afterward.
You do not at any time have to share.
If you call the number in your area - you will find out the meetings , locations, times ... and also you often can arrange for someone to meet you at the location.
We're all in this together.
And umn ... dude.
That was one messy apartment.
Congrats on getting that out of the way.
Nice to meet you!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((onedimman)))))
Welcome!! Don't be too hard on yourself. It is a huge step in the right direction to be able to admit that you have a problem. I don't go to meeting but, I did used to have a drinking problem.
Keep reading and posting I am sure others will be looking in on you too. Take good care.
Welcome!! Don't be too hard on yourself. It is a huge step in the right direction to be able to admit that you have a problem. I don't go to meeting but, I did used to have a drinking problem.
Keep reading and posting I am sure others will be looking in on you too. Take good care.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hello and Welcome to SR!
Have you considered having a medically
supervised De Tox? That's a wise move.
Here is the link that will explain about AA meetings
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html
I'm so glad to see you are seeking a way out of addiction.
You too can find a healthy new life of purpose and joy!
Please keep posting with us...we do understand
Have you considered having a medically
supervised De Tox? That's a wise move.
Here is the link that will explain about AA meetings
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html
I'm so glad to see you are seeking a way out of addiction.
You too can find a healthy new life of purpose and joy!
Please keep posting with us...we do understand
Fighting the good fight
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 309
Hi dude, welcome to SR... We're all in this together, your story is very similar to mine and many others here, in that we are intelligent, capable people who, due to our illness, are unable to stop after one drink.
My story can be found here, I am currently 12 days sober, the second longest sober period of my life since I was 13 (I am now 31):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...a-meeting.html
And I too got a degree, traveled the world, and have always considered myself capable and intelligent... except when it comes to getting wasted, which I have always entered with an all-or-nothing approach.
Read the posts here, and consider barb's words - a Doctor might be necessary to get you through what can be very dangerous (or even life-threatening) withdrawal symptoms. If you can go a week without drinking, and get over the sweats, cramps and shakes, I guarantee you will start to feel like a million bucks. From there, it's a matter of not drinking one day at a time.
I never thought I would be into AA, but I have been to several meetings now, and while it was one of the hardest things I have ever done I have received nothing short of complete acceptance, kindness, generosity of spirit and support. This has been a great help to me, as has this forum. I did not speak at my first meeting, I just listened, drank tea, and learned that I am far from alone in this struggle.
Good luck man, I'll tell you this - I've been fighting demons every day of my life for years, and I'm sick of it. It's something that I think many of us have realised at one point or another - sooner or later, you have to face it. It feels good to get it out, and at least here, someone will listen, and more often than not be able to relate to what you're going through.
If you are ready to give up drinking, then you are in the right place. I wish you all the best.
ndz
My story can be found here, I am currently 12 days sober, the second longest sober period of my life since I was 13 (I am now 31):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...a-meeting.html
And I too got a degree, traveled the world, and have always considered myself capable and intelligent... except when it comes to getting wasted, which I have always entered with an all-or-nothing approach.
Read the posts here, and consider barb's words - a Doctor might be necessary to get you through what can be very dangerous (or even life-threatening) withdrawal symptoms. If you can go a week without drinking, and get over the sweats, cramps and shakes, I guarantee you will start to feel like a million bucks. From there, it's a matter of not drinking one day at a time.
I never thought I would be into AA, but I have been to several meetings now, and while it was one of the hardest things I have ever done I have received nothing short of complete acceptance, kindness, generosity of spirit and support. This has been a great help to me, as has this forum. I did not speak at my first meeting, I just listened, drank tea, and learned that I am far from alone in this struggle.
Good luck man, I'll tell you this - I've been fighting demons every day of my life for years, and I'm sick of it. It's something that I think many of us have realised at one point or another - sooner or later, you have to face it. It feels good to get it out, and at least here, someone will listen, and more often than not be able to relate to what you're going through.
If you are ready to give up drinking, then you are in the right place. I wish you all the best.
ndz
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
Welcome to SR I'm glad you've found us. Have you had yourself checked over by a doctor yet? it's always a good idea so we know how to stop those demon addictions. Please keep posting if you want sobriety you can have it, we know what you're going through.
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Hey, and welcome!! AA has saved my life so I would highly recommend it. There are no rules so do not worry about breaking any. Just walk in. For me that was the hardest part at first, but this too shall pass. Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by onedimman 
The effects of that night are twofold: a)the only relationships I would be able to form would be centered around alcohol; b)since I only could form relationships based on alcohol, I felt the closeness I desired, could only be found in alcohol. At the time, anyone who noticed, just chalked my drinking up to adolescence and angst, but I knew it was much deeper. .
Wow, thank you very much for sharing that. I feel the same exact way. Booze helped me feel close to people (women especially) and I just realized that all my relationships have been formed around alcohol, and I desired to feel close to people and alcohol helped that. Thank you very much, this is a chapter out of my own book.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: mostly somewhere close to insanity
Posts: 80
Welcome onedimman! I think you'll find this site very informative and helpful. i enjoyed your post, as i could identify with so much of it....especially how your relationships would be centered around alcohol. i too noticed this about myself,,,but not until recently. there is so much that starts becoming clear once you committ to sobriety. i am fairly new at this...so i don't have much advice of my own to give other than....keep up with your committment to get sober...think about detox or going to your md like some have suggested....and know that there is always someone on this board who can respond or lend an ear if you're having a bad day. take care!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Just wanted to add a warm friendly WELCOME TO SR! Glad that you found us Dim! Please stick around this is a great place with a lot of awesome people!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR onedimman, if you are serious about stopping please see a doctor and be totally honest about how much you are drinking now and how long you have drank for.
Alcohol withdrawals can and do kill people, I went through a medical detox and am beyond thankful I did, I was in the early part of the final stage of alcoholism after 40 years of drinking so according to the doctor I saw going cold turkey was not a choice for me.
I was 3 days into detox and was starting to think the doctor was wrong, when I started to get the shakes even though they had me on a bunch of meds already, they upped my anti-seizure meds and they settled down.
Detox got me through the deadly part of the physical withdrawals but AA is what got me through the intense mental obsession for alcohol and helped me to rebuild my spirit which was suffering from a horrible case of gangrene of my very soul!!!
The hardest scariest part of AA is walking through those doors for the first time, my mind raced, I imagined all sorts of things like all the newcomers had to come to the front of the room and chant "I am an alcoholic" over and over again, or weird rituals where they broke beer bottles with wine bottles and then broke the wine bottles with whiskey bottles and then broke the whiskey bottles over the newcomers heads while they chanted "DO NOT DRINK"!!!!!
Well I walked through the door and wondered where all the drunks were? Normal looking folks talking and laughing..... I knew I was in the wrong place until some one come up and asked if I was new? I told him yes and he made me feel very welcome, showed me where things were and he answered questions I asked until the meeting started.
There were no rules, I did not have to do a thing except listen, if I wanted to stay sober one day at a time, I kept going back to meetings, I got a sponsor, and followed suggestions.
AA works if we work it, AA is an action program, not a sit on your can and wait for the miracle to happen.
All programs are action programs, none of them work unless we work them.
Alcohol withdrawals can and do kill people, I went through a medical detox and am beyond thankful I did, I was in the early part of the final stage of alcoholism after 40 years of drinking so according to the doctor I saw going cold turkey was not a choice for me.
I was 3 days into detox and was starting to think the doctor was wrong, when I started to get the shakes even though they had me on a bunch of meds already, they upped my anti-seizure meds and they settled down.
Detox got me through the deadly part of the physical withdrawals but AA is what got me through the intense mental obsession for alcohol and helped me to rebuild my spirit which was suffering from a horrible case of gangrene of my very soul!!!
The hardest scariest part of AA is walking through those doors for the first time, my mind raced, I imagined all sorts of things like all the newcomers had to come to the front of the room and chant "I am an alcoholic" over and over again, or weird rituals where they broke beer bottles with wine bottles and then broke the wine bottles with whiskey bottles and then broke the whiskey bottles over the newcomers heads while they chanted "DO NOT DRINK"!!!!!
Well I walked through the door and wondered where all the drunks were? Normal looking folks talking and laughing..... I knew I was in the wrong place until some one come up and asked if I was new? I told him yes and he made me feel very welcome, showed me where things were and he answered questions I asked until the meeting started.
There were no rules, I did not have to do a thing except listen, if I wanted to stay sober one day at a time, I kept going back to meetings, I got a sponsor, and followed suggestions.
AA works if we work it, AA is an action program, not a sit on your can and wait for the miracle to happen.
All programs are action programs, none of them work unless we work them.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Hi and welcome ODM,
I am glad you are here. Beginning recovery is a scary and confusing time, but it is well worth the effort. What we are doing is basically changing our whole foundation of living....that is huge! I can only speak for myself, but when I was first into my sober life, I had to give myself completely to recovery (I went to inpatient rehab for alcohol, a 90 day program) I had forgotten how to live in the real world, I was also confused at fist, by the lingo and a whole lot of other things too!!! What I found is that if I asked, there was always someone there to explain what was going on without judgment. I took a few 24 hours, but eventually it got easier. Please keep posting and never give up on yourself, we are here to help you until you can help yourself.
Cathy
I am glad you are here. Beginning recovery is a scary and confusing time, but it is well worth the effort. What we are doing is basically changing our whole foundation of living....that is huge! I can only speak for myself, but when I was first into my sober life, I had to give myself completely to recovery (I went to inpatient rehab for alcohol, a 90 day program) I had forgotten how to live in the real world, I was also confused at fist, by the lingo and a whole lot of other things too!!! What I found is that if I asked, there was always someone there to explain what was going on without judgment. I took a few 24 hours, but eventually it got easier. Please keep posting and never give up on yourself, we are here to help you until you can help yourself.
Cathy
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I can't add much to what has already been said. I, too, am a grateful member of AA, and highly recommend the 12 Step program of recovery. There are other programs, I know; but, I can only attest to that with which I'm familiar.
I know how cathartic it must have been for you to unburden yourself here. There's a saying I've heard in AA: "We're as sick as our secrets." According to the title of your thread, keeping your secret was killing you...so, it's a good thing to be able to put it into words.
BTW...I'm assuming (from your user name) that you're male...and, I'm wondering how many alcoholic females (like myself) are identifying with your story...especially the part about "relationships". Even after 28 years of continuous sobriety, it often surprises me that we alcoholics have so much in common.
I know how cathartic it must have been for you to unburden yourself here. There's a saying I've heard in AA: "We're as sick as our secrets." According to the title of your thread, keeping your secret was killing you...so, it's a good thing to be able to put it into words.
BTW...I'm assuming (from your user name) that you're male...and, I'm wondering how many alcoholic females (like myself) are identifying with your story...especially the part about "relationships". Even after 28 years of continuous sobriety, it often surprises me that we alcoholics have so much in common.
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