Just wondering
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Slave no more in PA
Posts: 29
Just wondering
If I could ever be forgivin for some of the things that i have done while in the throws of my addiction, stealing from my family etc. I haven't spoke to my sisters in a couple of months and sometimes i think the like it when I relapse just so they can tell my mom " I told you so", I know they are mad at me and it's gonna take a while but it's getting to me because it's the holidays and not being around my family sucks. I know I'm rambling but it's just a good way for me to talk about it to other addicts/parents of addicts to see there perspective. Thanks for listening/reading.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Live a sober life...............then forgiveness comes.
Be of service to them, make ammends, put thier needs as important or more so than your own.
and in time, they should come around.
In other words.....let your actions show your love.
I wish my sons father would have written your post. He walked out on him 4 years ago and could care less about him.
Come back in 6 months to tell us you followed the suggestions of AA and I bet you will have been forgiven by them. Good luck.
Be of service to them, make ammends, put thier needs as important or more so than your own.
and in time, they should come around.
In other words.....let your actions show your love.
I wish my sons father would have written your post. He walked out on him 4 years ago and could care less about him.
Come back in 6 months to tell us you followed the suggestions of AA and I bet you will have been forgiven by them. Good luck.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Mike, my mom has been sober for 30 years, and a very active sponsor in AA.
She has NEVER apologized to me for all the abuse and hate she put me through when she was drinking. I can't stand her to this day. I think it's because I see a woman who puts on a show for AA, yet can't follow through with the 9th step with the people most important to her.
I forgave her a long time ago. Forgiveness was a choice for me because hating her was eating me alive.
As strange as it sounds, I love her with all my heart. I just don't like to be around her. Those immature behaviors are still there.
Can you be forgiven? I believe you can be. And, I believe it is vitally important to follow through with the 9th step and ADMIT what you did that was wrong.
It won't work if you continue with the addiction. No one will believe you. If you stay clean for a whole entire year, then go back to addiction, you are a druggie again! As a previous poster said, actions speak louder than words.
I hope the very best for you. You can do this!
She has NEVER apologized to me for all the abuse and hate she put me through when she was drinking. I can't stand her to this day. I think it's because I see a woman who puts on a show for AA, yet can't follow through with the 9th step with the people most important to her.
I forgave her a long time ago. Forgiveness was a choice for me because hating her was eating me alive.
As strange as it sounds, I love her with all my heart. I just don't like to be around her. Those immature behaviors are still there.
Can you be forgiven? I believe you can be. And, I believe it is vitally important to follow through with the 9th step and ADMIT what you did that was wrong.
It won't work if you continue with the addiction. No one will believe you. If you stay clean for a whole entire year, then go back to addiction, you are a druggie again! As a previous poster said, actions speak louder than words.
I hope the very best for you. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Mike, My daughter is my addict. She is 21 and still active in her addiction. She never stole from me but she has told me so many lies. I had to go through my anger at her in order to heal myself. Now I can have a limited relationship with her for I have forgiven her in my heart. The one thing that I won't do is forget what she has done because I believe that God gave me those lessons in order for me to set good boundaries for myself. But never did I stop loving my daughter and I never will. If she ever decides to get clean that will be all that she needs to do. That will be the greatest gift that I could ever ask for. But I know the decision to be clean will be all hers. I will just love her until she gets there. Hope that helps you some. Just the fact that you think about forgiveness is a good sign. Don't forget to forgive yourself. You can't undo the past but you can do something about your future. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Mike,
I have forgiven my daughter because all it took for me was for her to get clean. She has made amends to me. Her actions and her willingness to want to stay clean and keep her family in her life shows me that she is truly sorry for all that she has put us through.
Just listening to your post shows your willingness to move forward.
Good luck, Mike. Stay clean and the rest will fall into place.
Hugs...........Lo
I have forgiven my daughter because all it took for me was for her to get clean. She has made amends to me. Her actions and her willingness to want to stay clean and keep her family in her life shows me that she is truly sorry for all that she has put us through.
Just listening to your post shows your willingness to move forward.
Good luck, Mike. Stay clean and the rest will fall into place.
Hugs...........Lo
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Mike,
As a mom of 2 adult son addicts, I have been lied to, stole from, scammed, you name it.
Trust comes slowly, but I think most of us moms, (although I can't speak for us all) know when our adult kids are sober and living a clean life and working recovery.
Just the attitude changes are amazing.
I notice BOTH of my sons NEVER hang up the phone or say goodbye without saying, I love you mom.
Forgiveness takes time, you continue on your road, and it will come.
As for your sisters...there may be more, than just your past addiction history raising it's ugly head, they could both have issues.
I've noticed that when my brother was using years ago, my mother had all her attention in tune with worrying about him, and at the time, I felt somewhat slighted.
So...it could be other issues with them.
You, do the best you can do. Take care of you, and let the other stuff work along at it's own pace.
Good for you Mike, I'm happy you're on the recovery road.
Hugs,
As a mom of 2 adult son addicts, I have been lied to, stole from, scammed, you name it.
Trust comes slowly, but I think most of us moms, (although I can't speak for us all) know when our adult kids are sober and living a clean life and working recovery.
Just the attitude changes are amazing.
I notice BOTH of my sons NEVER hang up the phone or say goodbye without saying, I love you mom.
Forgiveness takes time, you continue on your road, and it will come.
As for your sisters...there may be more, than just your past addiction history raising it's ugly head, they could both have issues.
I've noticed that when my brother was using years ago, my mother had all her attention in tune with worrying about him, and at the time, I felt somewhat slighted.
So...it could be other issues with them.
You, do the best you can do. Take care of you, and let the other stuff work along at it's own pace.
Good for you Mike, I'm happy you're on the recovery road.
Hugs,
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Believe me your sisters do not like it when you relapse so they can say "I told you so"
that is your addictive thinking, rationalization and self-loathing speaking.
They are learning to toughen up and detach from you so that fear, sadness and disappointment about your addiction doesn't destroy them too.
Maybe you stayed away this Xmas bec you didn't want to be seen by the family.
Your family and espec. your mother suffered greatly. Can you call or visit and make amends for not being available on Xmas. That would be a good 1st step back in the right direction. If you work the 12 steps with a sponsor your life will clean up your relationships will improve. It really does work if your work it.
that is your addictive thinking, rationalization and self-loathing speaking.
They are learning to toughen up and detach from you so that fear, sadness and disappointment about your addiction doesn't destroy them too.
Maybe you stayed away this Xmas bec you didn't want to be seen by the family.
Your family and espec. your mother suffered greatly. Can you call or visit and make amends for not being available on Xmas. That would be a good 1st step back in the right direction. If you work the 12 steps with a sponsor your life will clean up your relationships will improve. It really does work if your work it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
mike,
this is from a mom who has an addicted son that she is praying for tonight just as I will say a prayer for you. I think just showing your concern that you wonder if you can be forgiven shows that you want that family relationship. Perhaps if you started by doing a few small things like remembering a birthday or special occasion....just with a card or perhaps a phone call or if seeing someone face to face might be a little hard right now a card might do the trick. I would love for my son to just acknowledge my birthday one time without being reminded by others. Just that little kindness goes a long way, Mike.
You know we moms don't want our kids going around wearing sack cloths and ashes and a big "A" branding them. What we want is the best possible sober life. A life that will give them pleasure and enjoyment. A life that will give them their self-esteem back and a life that will give others hope too.
Mike , I wish you the very best and just know that moms have tremendous hearts full of forgiveness . Moms never leave their children behind. They carry them in their hearts forever. As far as your sisters go.....just do the best you can every day and hopefully they will notice that you are trying . If not, there is only so much you can control and living each day the best that you can says a lot in my book.
God keep you in his care Mike. I am praying for you. Dixie
this is from a mom who has an addicted son that she is praying for tonight just as I will say a prayer for you. I think just showing your concern that you wonder if you can be forgiven shows that you want that family relationship. Perhaps if you started by doing a few small things like remembering a birthday or special occasion....just with a card or perhaps a phone call or if seeing someone face to face might be a little hard right now a card might do the trick. I would love for my son to just acknowledge my birthday one time without being reminded by others. Just that little kindness goes a long way, Mike.
You know we moms don't want our kids going around wearing sack cloths and ashes and a big "A" branding them. What we want is the best possible sober life. A life that will give them pleasure and enjoyment. A life that will give them their self-esteem back and a life that will give others hope too.
Mike , I wish you the very best and just know that moms have tremendous hearts full of forgiveness . Moms never leave their children behind. They carry them in their hearts forever. As far as your sisters go.....just do the best you can every day and hopefully they will notice that you are trying . If not, there is only so much you can control and living each day the best that you can says a lot in my book.
God keep you in his care Mike. I am praying for you. Dixie
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I agree with all of the above; my AD is working on herself and doing it for herself but when you become clean and work your recovery every day of your life, your positive attitude shines through.
Yes, our daughter has validated and acknowledged the injury she has caused but those words would only be words if they were not backed up by recovery. Not just recovery but SINCERE recovery. Believe me, we non-users can learn to forgive a whole lot easier when the positive actions of our addicts lead us to that forgiveness.
I hated the addiction but I always loved my AD. Give it time and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Believe me, as Spiritual Seeker said, your sisters do not want you to relapse so they can say "I told you so"; it's probably just that they got so used to trust that you were using and not enough time has gone by to trust that you are not! I hated the fact that my AD was using and ruining her life, but I had to get used to that fact and accept it. Now I have to get used to her acting "normal". It's welcome but it's hard for me. It takes a lot of time to build back trust.
Hugs,
Marteen
Work on YOU for YOU and the rest will come; give it time. Congrats and continue what you are doing.
Yes, our daughter has validated and acknowledged the injury she has caused but those words would only be words if they were not backed up by recovery. Not just recovery but SINCERE recovery. Believe me, we non-users can learn to forgive a whole lot easier when the positive actions of our addicts lead us to that forgiveness.
I hated the addiction but I always loved my AD. Give it time and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Believe me, as Spiritual Seeker said, your sisters do not want you to relapse so they can say "I told you so"; it's probably just that they got so used to trust that you were using and not enough time has gone by to trust that you are not! I hated the fact that my AD was using and ruining her life, but I had to get used to that fact and accept it. Now I have to get used to her acting "normal". It's welcome but it's hard for me. It takes a lot of time to build back trust.
Hugs,
Marteen
Work on YOU for YOU and the rest will come; give it time. Congrats and continue what you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Mike -
I'm a recovering addict, and what everyone has said above is true. It was my ACTIONS that allowed my family to forgive me. They haven't forgotten what I did, but neither have I.
I don't kick myself anymore (at least not very often) at how I screwed up...it doesn't serve any purpose. By accepting that I did what I did, and doing whatever it takes to make sure that I don't do those things again, it helps me with my recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict, and what everyone has said above is true. It was my ACTIONS that allowed my family to forgive me. They haven't forgotten what I did, but neither have I.
I don't kick myself anymore (at least not very often) at how I screwed up...it doesn't serve any purpose. By accepting that I did what I did, and doing whatever it takes to make sure that I don't do those things again, it helps me with my recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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