dixied

friends,

I am not too good with the computer but I read all of your posts and greatly appreciated them. But as I consider your advice I still have a few questions.......
1. If I don't help with the outstanding bills his wife's paycheck will be garnished by the government. How is that fair to her? She is working as hard as she can and if I don't make some kind of payment that is exactly what is going to happen and she is already under enough stress. Her dad cannot help because he is on disability himself. Her mom has another child that is very ill with crone's (sp?) disease and all of her extra money goes to assist her with the cost of medication. So , how can I walk away and make this dil suffer even more stress?

2. My son was willing to go back to rehab. and this facility is a bare bones 12 step program. After a period of adjustment he will be rated and sent out to work at $7.00 an hour and $3.50 of that amount goes to the church. So I guess i am saying this is not a "cushy" place. He will work. It is a solid 12 step program and the only place that had availability at the time and there was one bed only..self -pay. So rather than let him go on a binge and all the signs were there that he was headed for that (and the counselors agreed too) and since he voluntarily wanted to go we made the decision to pay. I couldn't see it getting any worse than him willingly sitting 5 hours in a crack house......so I guess it was a judgement call.

3. His basic needs are being taken care of........a bed, food, clothes....so as trivial as it sounds do I send the $$$ for cigarettes? I know it is a lame question but I want to know how to respond to the counselor who said it was hard to beat two addictions at once so please send him some cigarettes.

4. Lastly, when this program is completed they offer no resources other than to say they have given you the tools and it is up to you. There is no computer(on the premise) for my son to check on a job or a halfway house even if he wanted to. So exactly how can he come up with a plan if what he can do is limited by resources?

I guess I am confused but there are a lot of mitigating circumstances I am leaving out, not wanting to bore anyone. I know all about the tough love, the letting them hit rock bottom, but five hours n a crack house ought to be pretty near the bottom, in my opinion.

thanks for caring enough to read this.........dixie

mooselips

Dixied,
To some, 5 hours in a crack house wouldn't be their bottom, believe me, when I say I've seen worse.

It all comes down to what you feel comfortable with, really. Your heart makes the call.
You may decide to help him this time, and know deep down that if, or when it happens again, you will completely back off. Your call.

I couldn't very well let my DIL suffer because of my son.
Nope, I just couldn't.

But, you can lead her to file for assistance, and see if that would be a help for her.

As for the cigarettes. The counselor is right, let him lick one addiction at a time.
Another option could be, like I have done, is keep a tally, and perhaps someday, (soon hopefully) when they're back on their feet they can repay you for your kindness? It could happen. (I keep telling myself that.....)

As for your son finding employment. There are plenty of rehabs that know where to send their inpatients when they are looking for a job. Don't worry your pretty little head, this is all up to your son.

It'll be okay.

Hugs,

marteen

You said the above; it is the way of most programs, even if they offer additional support, it truly is up to the addict. Your son is no kid and it sounds like he know what the tools are but chooses NOT to use them. Sounds like HIS decision; no one elses!

As for his wife, I know it is really a difficult thing that she faces and to want to help her is fine and if you are fine with it, that's ok but realize that these are both adults, who need to understand that they have both made choices in their lives. They can be given a "hand up" but to give both your hands to them and all the rest of your body and resources is asking too much.

But, again, YOU have to live with your choices, too. But it matters little what you do or don't do, your son will choose his own path. And being an addict, he will resort to "blaming" others when things don't go well. Addicts are notorious for never accepting, recognizing or being responsible for blame. THEY never do anything; it's always what is DONE to them.

As parents, we feel the guilt; my G*d, we are so good at accepting guilt. But when the chips fall, we can be as guilty as we want but trying to control or "fix" someone is way beyond what we can do. It in the trying to control that we lose ourselves.

I can tell you when my AD was using and behaving so terribly, she would have stripped us clean and put us out on the streets if we allowed her to. She had not concept of responsibility, accountability, compassion, caring, common sense, or anything in the way of what we call "normal" behavior. Yet, there were times she could manipulate like she had earned a Ph.D in it!

Also keep in mind that what we "normies" consider rock bottom may be entirely different to an active addict. I could not believe the things that my AD accepted and participated in when she was using. It was like looking at a monster. The addiction was in control and it did not look pretty.

I'm sorry you are going through this; I know it's hard but you need to learn to focus on you and YOUR recovery. It helped to save both me and Mr. M and I beleive, our AD!

Hugs,
Marteen

marle

Dixie, I agree with Moose. If he comes out and uses again, it may not be his bottom, but it may be yours. You have to do what makes you comfortable. As for your daughter-in-law, that is your call too. If you feel that she really needs the help do it. As far as bottoms and crack goes, my daughter's abf spent $100,000 on crack in less than a year and lost everything. They are living with his mom and my daughter has told me that if he had a million dollars it would not be enough. He would spend it all on crack. Everyone's bottom is different. Losing his family did not take your son to a bottom. Living in an unfurnished apartment and riding a bike to work did not take him to a bottom. There are always ways to dig a little deeper. We can't know what it will take. Same with us moms. Hugs, Marle

greeteachday

Dixied...I found for me, I had to do what worked for me. If money for cigarettes or snacks was okay by me, I sent it...A lot depended on how I saw my child acting. If I felt she was working hard on her recovery and some little "perk" helped, I felt okay about it...it was like a gift. If I felt it was all manipulation, I couldn't go there. Many hugs

Serenity_Seeker

My feeling here....smoking is addiction...period. Addiction, often,comes in pairs. IMHO, he just needs to address ADDICTION (of anything).....number doesn't matter!

I feel, clutching to his "smoking addition", clouds the work-at-hand.

Truthfully, my son, Luke was incarcerated....6 months in jail....6 month behavior modification program...and not allowed to smoke. Believe me there are worse things than not having cigatettes. I think when he saw he had the smoking under control...he was more "receptive" to the help with drug addiction.

Good luck to you and your son.

Sometimes, being a smoker will make another be a little "soft" on this issue.

Impurrfect

Dixied -

Sorry I'm late on this...have been dealing with a little drama myself.

I am a recovering crack addict and I can tell you, sitting for 5 hours in a crack house is nothing to us....I used to LIVE in crack houses. A bottom is different for each of us. I thought being locked up for almost 6 months was mine...stayed clean for over a year, relapsed for a week and THAT was my bottom.

I totally understand why you're doing what you're doing and will not say if it's right or wrong...we each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I will say, that my dad offered to pay for rehab, but I could have gone to one for free...I just wasn't ready.

I also smoke cigarettes and was not able to while I was in jail. Now, it's probably different than where he is, because NONE of us could smoke, but I did just fine. Yes, I picked it back up as soon as I could, but am hoping to quit smoking soon. I'm sure it is harder if he is around people smoking, but my recovery has taught me that I just can't always have what I want and if I don't have my own money for cigarettes, I don't smoke.

I pm'd you in response to the message you left me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy