LaTeeDa

I think it's a result of black/white, all/nothing thinking, which addicts and codependents both tend to suffer from. I know when I finally started to consider the gray areas between the extremes, I realized I wasn't as stuck as I thought I was.

L

mike_mass

Maybe the question should be "do you hate what I'm doing?" instead.

daisyjen

I would often beg my AH through my tears to stop making me hate him. He would respond nastily for me to stop making him hate me! As if I was the one ruining our family!!

Barbara52

When I've heard someone use that question, its been some form of their seeking validation for themselves. Its involved some form of manipulation on their part. And whining about how bad they are treated by others/life in general.

Cynay

There are always people that live in one extreem or another... and I often find it sad when working with people that live in those extreems.

Im not sure that many people understand what hate is.... well Im not sure they understand what love is either....or how close the two emotions are.

I have found that in the times of my life when I have "hated" a person it was actually a deep wound inside of me that needed to be healed and the only person that can heal that wound was me....

When people say they hate during/after a fight I also have to wonder if its not a "stop", "trigger" word... I know in past relationships that I would accept/forgive unacceptable behavior when threatened with the words hate or ending the relationship. That was the Codie in me and those two words brought up many fears so I would respond to the fears and not the unacceptable behavior.

Lilyflower

Interesting Babs! My abf has used that one in the past, he also uses, 'Don't you love me any more?'. It used to break my heart and immediately begin to soften toward him, I would say 'I don't hate you, I love you' and 'Of course I love you how can you doubt that?'. In short I turned his statement into a 'I need to change me', I was too harsh with him and he thinks I have turned on him blah blah blah! Now if he asks me either of those questions I tell him that 'it is not my job to build up your self confidence, come talk to me in a moment when you are feeling more secure'. It seems to work for us. I am not holding guilt, and he isn't getting his 'fix' from me.

Lily xxxxx

CBrown

My XABF never asked that. He couldn't fathom anybody hating him at all. In fact, he thought he was the funniest, most beloved man on the face of the earth. A real narcissist, I guess people would say. I never asked him if he hated me, as a reason for the way he was treating me. I don't care if he hated or loved me, I simply wasn't going to put up with that kind of treatment/behavior.

GiveLove

For the alcoholics in my life, 'Do you hate me' always translated as 'Help me to feel REALLY sorry for myself so I can be justified in going drinking again'

A self-pity trip. Sad.

Jfanagle

Just another viewpoint, in my case that of a former drunk, regarding the infamous line "do you hate me?"

I believe we utter that much like a gopher sticks its head out of the hole to see if it is safe to come out. In other words, I always knew that I had screwed the pooch yet again, and if those in my life had any sense they would "hate me and all that I put them through!" After all I hated me, why should I be the only one at the party?

I certainly knew towards the end of my drinking career that I was way out of control and that I was reeking havoc in everyone’s life including my own and my self worth was gone. I really think that we as drunks have already begun the final phase of self loathing that either precedes the final fall or if one is lucky, recovery. "DO YOU HATE ME?" is just a search for affirmation of what we already feel about ourselves.

Just a former drunk's observation.

Jon

hope2bhappy

I totally agree with Jon, above. It's a lack of self-worth combined with self-loathing. They hate themselves and figure everybody else does, also.

ANGELINA243

I tend to agree with what GiveLove says. I have known certain people to say this as a subtle form of manipulation to use to their own advantage. It is a way of blaming others for their own selfish behavior.