sleepygoat

Well first I want to say that I'm so grateful my AD spent time with us for Christmas. She was not getting high for that one day (took methadone to carry her thru), caught the right train, brought presents (though she forgot the cards), and was charming, loving, appreciative of every single gift in her stocking.

This is quite a change from last year when she was missing and her last known address was an abandoned building.

But she and I both know the only reason she's holding it together is that her BF (with her permission) is controlling her $ that she makes at the strip club and only doling out enough for her to use only so much each day. That's the only reason she was able to buy us christmas presents. She cut her crack and heroin use in half because of the controls he has put in place. In fact, she shared with me that she's terrified of what will happen when he has to go away for a week in February. She knows she can't control anything herself and she's afraid she'll just destroy herself.

The thing that bothered me the most, though, was how much weight she's lost in the past two or three months. She is so thin its creepy and painful to look at. She's been eating like a pig, and it doesn't matter. she is also scared about this.

I'm afraid its the HIV, actually. I know that there is a growing body of evidence that cocaine in any form "feeds" the virus and makes it multiply at something like 20 times the normal rate. Her viral load as of October was 24,000. From what I have read, giving the fact that she's only been HIV positive for about 6 months, it should only be 1000 or less. So I'm afraid its continuing to multiply like crazy and making her lose weight like this. OK, I'm really afraid she will NOT be able to stop using in time to save her life and that when its time to start the HIV meds (after her Tcells drop to 350) she will still be using. The clinic told her the meds won't really work unless she gets clean. She KNOWS she has to stop using at that point. And she also figures, there's no reason to stop before then. So she's taking it down to the wire, I guess. And I'm afraid when that when she HAS to stop she'll find she can't - and she'll die of full blown AIDS.

How many times did I use the word "afraid" so far? I really need to stop this crap and re-affirm my faith in a loving, caring God. At my home group tonight, the topic was trust. I got in touch with the fact that though I trust my higher power a lot, and much more that I trust any human being, it only goes so far especially with my AD. And I also know this disease of addiction and what she's up against. See, here I go again, talking myself into a frenzy.

I need you guys to remind me how to 'let go and let God'.

greeteachday

((((((Sleepygoat))))))) I can just feel the pain and fear in your post and I can certainly understand it. In your shoes, I would be feeling that struggle too. How difficult to watch a child we love self destruct.

One of the most difficult concepts for me to embrace was that letting go and letting God did not necessarily mean that God was going to create the outcome *I* wanted. The night my daughter disappeared, I believe I truly let go and let him. I did not go looking; I went to a meeting and I slept that night. I posted here because of my fear, but I had to let it go. I got so much support and felt wrapped in the love of the people here and God's love as well. My daughter did not make it; she od'd on tainted heroin. It hurt worse than any pain or loss I have ever expereineced, but I also *knew* in my heart that she was finally at peace and that the hurt was mine to own...she was fine. I think somehow that God knew she would suffer throughout her life and that this was the better way for her.

I hesitate to post this because I do not want to in any way imply that your daughter will not make it or that she will always suffer. I hope my message is clear that what I mean is that trusting God ultimately means accepting that it may not be the outcome we think is the right one. Your daughter may need to do this to get to her bottom and find help to save her life. She may need this in order to truly surrender and accept that she is powerless over drugs.

I am praying for you and for your daughter. May God grant you both peace. Bless you; you are a wonderful, loving parent and so strong to watch this struggle. I pray you find comfort from the fears. Many hugs.

devastated

Your post broke my heart. My prayers are with your daughter and the entire family. You are very brave, believe me. Remember God does have a plan and we have to trust in His plan.

Greeteachday, you are so strong and so right especially when you said that the outcome may not be what we pray for, but what our HP believes is right. You are also right when you said at least her suffering is over and she is finally at peace.

I pray all will turn out well. Enjoy each day.

Hugs, Devastated

marle

Just sending some hugs for you. I know how difficult and scary the what ifs can be. Do something nice for yourself. Something that will help you not to think too much. Hugs, Marle

Cynay

Ohhhh hon. Im so sorry you are going through this and Im not going to even pretend that anything I have gone through is close.... Something happening to my daughter is my worse nightmare.... but I did want to say.

God does not mind that your afraid.... being afraid does not mean you are not trusting, for heavens sake your human sweetie. God understands how you feel so dont beat yourself up for that you have enough on your plate.

What a blessing Christmas day was though.... I will keep you in my prayers and your daughter... I am moved to tears at the courage in your post and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your feelings and experience with us.

deedee

(((sleepygoat)))

I'm so sorry you know this pain and this fear. When my son was active, it got to the point where I had to turn him over ... about a hundred times a day. I had tried everything else and there was nothing left to do. My son ended up in jail, not something I ever wanted for my child, but I believe it saved his life.

Huge prayers going out to you and your daughter

Ann

I'm late coming on here but wanted to send you a big hug

I hear your fear and I can't say I wouldn't me scared too. The only thing that has ever got me through my fear was to pray often and ask God to take over.

My prayers go out for your daughter, that she may find a better path soon and work on her health issues.

And extra prayers for you, because I know how scary this all is.

Hugs

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Prayers for healing and comfort
for you and your daughter.

I often find peace in Psalmns 23.

Blessings to the two of you

Wascally Wabbit

Hey sleepygoat. I am so sorry you have to go through such a thing.
You wanted to be reminded to let go and let God. So, allow me to remind you that some things in life are way beyond our control. Some things we can do absolutely nothing about. Nothing. That's when we pray for help from God. We give it to Him and step back and watch him work a miracle, without our interference. It's faith.

You have such stress. Letting go is a great stress reliever you know!
I have to be reminded occationally too.
Take good care of yourself today.
Hugs,
WW

Spiritual Seeker

We can try but not to be fearful but our kid's lifestyle + addictions + mental health issues can lead to very real predictable outcomes. Maybe the key is not to let our fears cloud our judgement and our choices; Not to let the fear criple us. It is important to live in the now and let the future take care of itself. I am voicing ideals. I usually am not fearful but today I was too.
How fantastic that your family, including your daughter had a wonderful holiday celebration. I hope that if we are patient and wait long enough our kids will be able to become their best selves.

crrogers22

Yes, cocaine, and most other stimulants, do cause the log of an infected person's viral load to increase quickly. Additionally, coc also causes faster destruction of CD4 cells, too. However, viral loads can go way up or way down when the person is on anti-retroviral treatment.

Have you considered that your daughter may have Borderline Personality Disorder? You may want to google that term and see if the psychological criteria fit her...and see if she may receive DBT to treat it.... Good Luck

marteen

I am also the mother of an addict daughter. She has been where your daughter is now and unfortunately, she was living with her supplier! He has ended up in Fed. prison for the 2nd time. I know your pain. When I realized that I had to accept the fact that I could NOT control the outcome of my daughter's life or death, I had to accept any possibility. For a mother, that is one of the most difficult things we can face. When I saw her one time, so skinny and the radiant beauty gone from her face, I knew if she continued in that way, the outcome would not be good.

I learned to work on MY recovery and to accept and "let go" of the possibilities that I could not predict nor control. I prayed every day for HER. There is always hope and at the current time, she has a 2 yr, 4 mo. old daughter and is back in our lives because her behavior has changed 180! She is a completely different person than the active addict. She says she is clean and her behavior and actions say it too. We are taking baby steps but moving forward.

I once sounded like you and now a complete turn-around. I would never have believed it. To tell you the truth, and anyone here can tell you, I had my mind prepared for the worst. And she has done all this herself. She knows that we have boundaries and enforce them and if she wants to stay in our lives, she needs to be clean and sober. Her daughter seems to be the catalyst that has turned her around. I thank God for her and for my AD's HP.

Hang in there, don't "awfulize" about things and keep coming here for support. SR saved me and helped me get my own recovery so I can now enjoy my daughter's.

Hug,
Marteen

sleepygoat

thanks, everyone, for your kind replies. Greeteachday takes this into areas of spiritual beliefs and the meaning of life that I'm not sure I want to get into. I'll just say, I don't believe its ever God's will that an addict die of their disease. But it does happen because God's will is not always done in this evil world. what I do believe is that God is able to make some good come out of even the evilest (is that a word?) things - the support that we give each other here, for example.

As far as update - my AD agreed to call the HIV clinic and get a sooner appointment than the one she has scheduled - but, as usual, she's had trouble negotiating phone menus and figuaring out what to say to whom and ultimately hasn't made it happen yet. Called me 3 times on wednesday and finally ran out of 'minutes' - still not having changed her appointment. Par for the course. I wonder if I should just call myself and see what they can do for me/her/us. I also am sorely tempted to lecture her about her disease and try to 'talk some sense' into her. Doubt that'll work, LOL!

BigSis

(((Sleepy)))

My prayers are with you and your daughter... I have seen some terrible situations NOT come about. That is all I hang onto sometimes, the fact that my predictions have been wrong, wrong, wrong. We cannot predict outcomes - even those that seem logical.


My prayer is that HP will wrap you up in comfort and warmth and peace. That your fear can be eased, and you can live only in THIS moment, only in THIS day. And that your daughter is given a clarity of mind and heart so that she can follow through on her plan of action.


((((Sleepygoat))))

notsleepingwell

(((Sleepy)))
No advice just...