A newbie here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 5
A newbie here
I wrote an introduction under in the New to Recovery section, I was directed to this section of the forums as a parent of an addict. I tried to post the link to my Intro, but I have not made 15 posts yet, so the website will not allow it so I cut and pasted it at the bottom of this post.
I've been reading many posts and have found so many helpful ones, often as I read though, I begin to feel overwhelmed at how much I need to learn, understand, work on...but over all, I'm glad I found you all.
We made reservations for my daughter to come home next week and we are waiting to hear from her to get the reservation information. To be honest, it has been nice having her so far away in Alaska...but we have slipped a few times and given in to sending money for temporary fixes to her situation. The airline ticket we purchased on Monday is non-refundable, if she does not call to get the information re: the flight and doesn't get there to used it, that will be the last straw for us. She will be on her own after that.
Hubby and I have been talking about what we might expect once she arrives home...
We are not naive enough to think that she is going to be our little girl after a year in Alaska living however she was living...
But we also do have some feeling of 'guarded optimism'. We have talked about the fact that this is the last time we are going to involve ourselves in her issues, if this doesn't work out, she will not be welcome to stay here any longer, but my question is: if it comes to that, how do you kick your addicted child out when they have no car, job, money or place to go? Do you take them to shelter and drop them off? I'm not asking this as a philosophical question, I really wonder what steps do you take?
I am sure I am rambling here, and probably sounding very selfish, but I'm very nervous about her coming home, we've been 'taken' so many times, and this agreement to allow her to come home is more for 'us', so we can say, with a clear conscience, 'we did all we can do'. Thanks for listening.
I've been reading many posts and have found so many helpful ones, often as I read though, I begin to feel overwhelmed at how much I need to learn, understand, work on...but over all, I'm glad I found you all.
We made reservations for my daughter to come home next week and we are waiting to hear from her to get the reservation information. To be honest, it has been nice having her so far away in Alaska...but we have slipped a few times and given in to sending money for temporary fixes to her situation. The airline ticket we purchased on Monday is non-refundable, if she does not call to get the information re: the flight and doesn't get there to used it, that will be the last straw for us. She will be on her own after that.
Hubby and I have been talking about what we might expect once she arrives home...
We are not naive enough to think that she is going to be our little girl after a year in Alaska living however she was living...
But we also do have some feeling of 'guarded optimism'. We have talked about the fact that this is the last time we are going to involve ourselves in her issues, if this doesn't work out, she will not be welcome to stay here any longer, but my question is: if it comes to that, how do you kick your addicted child out when they have no car, job, money or place to go? Do you take them to shelter and drop them off? I'm not asking this as a philosophical question, I really wonder what steps do you take? I am sure I am rambling here, and probably sounding very selfish, but I'm very nervous about her coming home, we've been 'taken' so many times, and this agreement to allow her to come home is more for 'us', so we can say, with a clear conscience, 'we did all we can do'. Thanks for listening.
Hello Everyone. I discovered this forum recently and am feeling a very strong need to communicate with other parents who have been thru this...
A little bit about my situation: Hubby and I have been happily married for 33 years, we are both now retired, we have lived in the same house in a small rural community for 27 years, we raised our two daughters here, we were involved in 4H, classroom volunteers, etc.
I joined this group because of my daughter. Approximately 3 years ago, she met a guy at work that was addicted to Oxycontin, we did not know it at the time. She was almost 18, he was 23. When she invited him to our home during an alcohol-free New Years celebration, (just always been our preference), he brought alcohol (without our knowledge) and served it to minors in our home. We did not find out about it until a few days afterward when a couple of the teens who were there told their parents and their parents then told us.
Our daughter seemed to understand our concern and said she was sorry, but the guy never apologized, never would even discuss it with us when we confronted him with it. Long story short, daughter continued to see him, against our wishes, lost her job (we now believe because of oxy) and eventually moved into an apartment with him. That was 2 years ago. It took us a very long time to figure out why she was always having 'crises' and needed money for rent, tires, car repairs, etc. She was unable to keep a job, it was always someone else's fault. Then we discovered that her boyfriend had gotten her addicted to Oxy also. She was in denial, the usual, she can quit anytime and it isn't affecting her...! She convinced us to co-sign a 16 month lease on an apartment for her and the bf, we were naive enough to believe her when she said this was a new start for them. After 5 months, the bf was in so much trouble with people after him, that they moved to Alaska to live with his parents and left us to clean up the mess and deal with the lease ($$$). Now living in Alaska has gone terribly sour and she wants to come home.
After much soul searching, we have decided that with 'conditions', we will allow her (not bf, he stays in Alaska!) to come back and live with us, until she can get her life straightened out...We are very torn about it, because we have lost trust in her, but we feel that as our daughter, we want to give her one last opportunity to get her life together. She is now 21 years old. I know that we are in for a rough ride. I just needed to be able to talk to people who have been through this situation.
We have another daughter who is 23, doing well in school, studying to be a teacher, works two jobs, pays her own way...seldom asks us for anything...so very different from the youngest one mentioned above. Thank you for listning
A little bit about my situation: Hubby and I have been happily married for 33 years, we are both now retired, we have lived in the same house in a small rural community for 27 years, we raised our two daughters here, we were involved in 4H, classroom volunteers, etc.
I joined this group because of my daughter. Approximately 3 years ago, she met a guy at work that was addicted to Oxycontin, we did not know it at the time. She was almost 18, he was 23. When she invited him to our home during an alcohol-free New Years celebration, (just always been our preference), he brought alcohol (without our knowledge) and served it to minors in our home. We did not find out about it until a few days afterward when a couple of the teens who were there told their parents and their parents then told us.
Our daughter seemed to understand our concern and said she was sorry, but the guy never apologized, never would even discuss it with us when we confronted him with it. Long story short, daughter continued to see him, against our wishes, lost her job (we now believe because of oxy) and eventually moved into an apartment with him. That was 2 years ago. It took us a very long time to figure out why she was always having 'crises' and needed money for rent, tires, car repairs, etc. She was unable to keep a job, it was always someone else's fault. Then we discovered that her boyfriend had gotten her addicted to Oxy also. She was in denial, the usual, she can quit anytime and it isn't affecting her...! She convinced us to co-sign a 16 month lease on an apartment for her and the bf, we were naive enough to believe her when she said this was a new start for them. After 5 months, the bf was in so much trouble with people after him, that they moved to Alaska to live with his parents and left us to clean up the mess and deal with the lease ($$$). Now living in Alaska has gone terribly sour and she wants to come home.
After much soul searching, we have decided that with 'conditions', we will allow her (not bf, he stays in Alaska!) to come back and live with us, until she can get her life straightened out...We are very torn about it, because we have lost trust in her, but we feel that as our daughter, we want to give her one last opportunity to get her life together. She is now 21 years old. I know that we are in for a rough ride. I just needed to be able to talk to people who have been through this situation.
We have another daughter who is 23, doing well in school, studying to be a teacher, works two jobs, pays her own way...seldom asks us for anything...so very different from the youngest one mentioned above. Thank you for listning
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hello....
Yes....you are in the correct forum for support
and understanding. Glad you are here.
Hugs to you and your family.
As the Mom of 2 adult addict/alcoholics I found
Al anon immensley helpful. Also reading
"Co Dependant No More" by Mealanie beatty.
Does your older daughter live at home?
If so...how does she feel about having her sister there?
Others will be here shortly to share with you.
Yes....you are in the correct forum for support
and understanding. Glad you are here.
Hugs to you and your family.
As the Mom of 2 adult addict/alcoholics I found
Al anon immensley helpful. Also reading
"Co Dependant No More" by Mealanie beatty.
Does your older daughter live at home?
If so...how does she feel about having her sister there?
Others will be here shortly to share with you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I replied this to another Newcomers thread
but wanted to share it with you as well
but wanted to share it with you as well
Put your good jewelry in a safe deposit box
or never take it off.
Cash and credit cards check books and car keys
Cameras and anything valuable will be at risk.
I finally severed contact to preserve my sanity
I let them go and let God take care of them.
or never take it off.
Cash and credit cards check books and car keys
Cameras and anything valuable will be at risk.
I finally severed contact to preserve my sanity
I let them go and let God take care of them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Hi Carol,
Thank you for your response! We have an Alanon in our county, but not a NarAnon. It was suggested that we can attend AlAlon instead since it is recovery for family in any case.
I have heard about the book "Codependent no more" many times while reading thru these forums, I will read it as soon as I finish the other 2 books I am reading.
Our oldest daughter does not live at home, she has been living on her own for 4 years now. As for how she feels about her sister, she feels a lot of anger, she would probably do well to attend some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings, also. I will suggest it, but don't know if she will or not. That is her choice.
Thank you for your response! We have an Alanon in our county, but not a NarAnon. It was suggested that we can attend AlAlon instead since it is recovery for family in any case.
I have heard about the book "Codependent no more" many times while reading thru these forums, I will read it as soon as I finish the other 2 books I am reading.
Our oldest daughter does not live at home, she has been living on her own for 4 years now. As for how she feels about her sister, she feels a lot of anger, she would probably do well to attend some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings, also. I will suggest it, but don't know if she will or not. That is her choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
"To be honest, it has been nice having her so far away in Alaska...but we have slipped a few times and given in to sending money for temporary fixes to her situation. The airline ticket we purchased on Monday is non-refundable, if she does not call to get the information re: the flight and doesn't get there to used it, that will be the last straw for us. She will be on her own after that. "
Sounds like you've already learned a lot. Getting a non - refundable ticket was a good idea. The fact that you appreciated on some level that it was nice having her so far away (and having peace and normalcy in your life) is quite normal.
"But we also do have some feeling of 'guarded optimism'. "
Optimism is good, and guarded optimism is even better. if it weren't for hope, I would never have gotten off the couch during the darkest times of the past 18 months.
"if it comes to that, how do you kick your addicted child out when they have no car, job, money or place to go? Do you take them to shelter and drop them off? I'm not asking this as a philosophical question, I really wonder what steps do you take? "
Ok, well in all fairness to my AD, the first the I did was tell her what i would do if she didn't follow the rules. To be specific, we told her, back in June of 06, that if she used again in our home, or if she stole from us again, we would throw her out. she was actually doing both on a daily basis for the next month but we didn't realize it. (She borrowed a little girls urine in order to pass our drug tests, and cleverly stole various items one by one.) However, In July of that year, when we were away for 5 days on vacation she just couldn't help herself and stole much more 'sloppily'. Upon realizing what was going on, I simply said, "We told you if you used or stole again, you were out. You did both. Pack some stuff. You have half an hour to leave." We told her if she wanted to get clean we would help her to find a detox. We asked her for her key back. We shut the door. We changed the locks the next day in case she had a spare key. She was 2 months shy of her 18th birthday at at the time.
I suggest letting your daughter know the rules up front. In fact, we had ours read and sign them! That doesn't mean she won't be pissed off and blame YOU for her predicament if you have to throw her out. Mine did.
As far as where she went- first to a succession of friends to stay with until she stole from each one and they also kicked her out. Then, to the streets where she did whatever she had to do to get her drugs. This was total hell for me, but I still am a believer in letting the addict suffer their own consequences as the only way they will even learn and want to stop using.
But I also want to bring up something you don't mention. That's treatment. If you have the mistaken idea that she can just stop using narcotics and straighten out in your home- you need to change the plan. She will need inpatient detox
and she will need rehab, and then she will need NA meetings on a daily basis, and perhaps outpatient counseling as well. If she's willing to go to a detox and start the recovery process, she'll probably need your help to make it happen. They are pretty messed up and really need a little guidance and direction with who to call and where to go.
If she's not willing to stop using, then you'll soon be refering back to "how do you kick somebody out?". Sorry, but that's the way it is with this disease.
Doesn't mean you stop loving her, though. Keep loving, and keep praying, and let her know that you love her and want to help her if she is willing.
Sounds like you've already learned a lot. Getting a non - refundable ticket was a good idea. The fact that you appreciated on some level that it was nice having her so far away (and having peace and normalcy in your life) is quite normal.
"But we also do have some feeling of 'guarded optimism'. "
Optimism is good, and guarded optimism is even better. if it weren't for hope, I would never have gotten off the couch during the darkest times of the past 18 months.
"if it comes to that, how do you kick your addicted child out when they have no car, job, money or place to go? Do you take them to shelter and drop them off? I'm not asking this as a philosophical question, I really wonder what steps do you take? "
Ok, well in all fairness to my AD, the first the I did was tell her what i would do if she didn't follow the rules. To be specific, we told her, back in June of 06, that if she used again in our home, or if she stole from us again, we would throw her out. she was actually doing both on a daily basis for the next month but we didn't realize it. (She borrowed a little girls urine in order to pass our drug tests, and cleverly stole various items one by one.) However, In July of that year, when we were away for 5 days on vacation she just couldn't help herself and stole much more 'sloppily'. Upon realizing what was going on, I simply said, "We told you if you used or stole again, you were out. You did both. Pack some stuff. You have half an hour to leave." We told her if she wanted to get clean we would help her to find a detox. We asked her for her key back. We shut the door. We changed the locks the next day in case she had a spare key. She was 2 months shy of her 18th birthday at at the time.
I suggest letting your daughter know the rules up front. In fact, we had ours read and sign them! That doesn't mean she won't be pissed off and blame YOU for her predicament if you have to throw her out. Mine did.
As far as where she went- first to a succession of friends to stay with until she stole from each one and they also kicked her out. Then, to the streets where she did whatever she had to do to get her drugs. This was total hell for me, but I still am a believer in letting the addict suffer their own consequences as the only way they will even learn and want to stop using.
But I also want to bring up something you don't mention. That's treatment. If you have the mistaken idea that she can just stop using narcotics and straighten out in your home- you need to change the plan. She will need inpatient detox
and she will need rehab, and then she will need NA meetings on a daily basis, and perhaps outpatient counseling as well. If she's willing to go to a detox and start the recovery process, she'll probably need your help to make it happen. They are pretty messed up and really need a little guidance and direction with who to call and where to go.
If she's not willing to stop using, then you'll soon be refering back to "how do you kick somebody out?". Sorry, but that's the way it is with this disease.
Doesn't mean you stop loving her, though. Keep loving, and keep praying, and let her know that you love her and want to help her if she is willing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Opiates of any kind are extremely hard to get off of and oxycontin is a toughie. My daughter started her addiction with oxy and now will use any opiate including heroin. We did all of the usual enabling with her and spent a lot of money trying to stay one step ahead of her addiction. From my experience it does not work. Addiction is progressive and it will always win. Your daughter needs some kind of help (other than coming home) to get off from the oxys. The withdrawals are like having a really bad case of the flu. Once the physical is over the mental cravings take over. It is not easy living with an addict whether they are using or not. With my daughter I have made a boundary that we will help her find a rehab, but we will not let her come home. She is with a man that is addicted to crack and buys all her drugs. She is 21 and he is 38. She has been with him for 2 years, had a period of three months away from him but went back for the drugs. If your daughter is serious about quitting she will do whatever it takes to stop. If not she will just be bringing the chaos with her. You might want to check out some rehabs and offer that to your daughter instead of your home. Also be prepared that she will change her mind. I have found that with my daughter her love for her boyfriend ebbs and flow depending on the availability of the drugs. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers and hope that she really wants to change her life. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i know how you are feeling. my addict is my son. we want the best for them but i have come to realize that it is not what i want but what he wants & that is to get high,drink & party. this has been going on for 19 yrs. some never want it. i can understand you bringing her back home but if she does not want recovery in her life she is doomed to do the same things with or without her b.f. i am glad you found us. there is alot of info here for you & alot of support. try to get to some meetings & know we r here for you. i will send a prayer up for u & your husband & daughter. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I wanted to add that addiction is not hopeless but the addict has to want it. But despite what your daughter is doing or not doing there is hope for a better life for you. There is hope that you can get better. I don't have meetings close to me but this forum has been a life saver for me. I have learned to have a good quality of life despite the fact that my daughter is still using. I have learned to make good boundaries for myself. This has helped me to have a limited relationship with my daughter without trying to control what she does. It has helped me to change my fear into faith. To trust God in her life and mine. And to practice "hands off the addict" while still loving my daughter. Letting her have the consequences for her using and not trying to soften the fall for her. There is hope for you. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
((drose_01)))
Welcome to Sober Recvoery, I'm glad you found us.
Please do not feel overwhelmed, as our recovery is a learning progress, too. Around here we say "progress, not perfection."
Believe it or not, I think we all have walked in your shoes, sending money and trying so hard to help our kids get back to the real world. Then after we are here for a while, and attend Alanon, we finally get some firm trust and faith in our H.P. and realize that no problem is too big for our H.P. to work on, and we hand it over.
We're all here for you,
Hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recvoery, I'm glad you found us.
Please do not feel overwhelmed, as our recovery is a learning progress, too. Around here we say "progress, not perfection."
Believe it or not, I think we all have walked in your shoes, sending money and trying so hard to help our kids get back to the real world. Then after we are here for a while, and attend Alanon, we finally get some firm trust and faith in our H.P. and realize that no problem is too big for our H.P. to work on, and we hand it over.
We're all here for you,
Hugs,
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Welcome from another mom of an addict,
My son is only 17 but has been in and out of rehab over the past 3 years. I came to this forum about a year ago and it has helped me in my recovery which is really the only thing you have control over. do what you can, when you can. Be kind with yourself; you are in nee of rest, support and love. I have had to lock my son out, had him arrested a couple of times. it is never easy, but you will know when you've had enough. You will know when the time is right.
Krhea
My son is only 17 but has been in and out of rehab over the past 3 years. I came to this forum about a year ago and it has helped me in my recovery which is really the only thing you have control over. do what you can, when you can. Be kind with yourself; you are in nee of rest, support and love. I have had to lock my son out, had him arrested a couple of times. it is never easy, but you will know when you've had enough. You will know when the time is right.
Krhea
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Welcome to SR!
You have found a great place. I, too, am the mother of a nearly 27 yr old addict daughter, and I am a long-time member of this SR family.
My journey has been long but I have worked very hard on MY recovery. I discovered a long time ago that I could not control my daughter or her life. We had to kick her out and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But we also have a sober daughter, nearly 3 years younger than AD, and she,too, has been keeping her nose to the grindstone and is now in a fully paid fellowship working on her Ph.D! We gave our AD many warnings but told her if her behavior did not change, she would have to find another place to live because she could not live here, actively using drugs and lying to us. We could not take the chaos and drama any longer. That was when she was 18; and she has been spiraling downhill ever since but it was her choice. We always told her she could move back but on OUR terms, NOT hers. She made a choice not to.
We weren't allowed to talk to her or see her and our granddaughter (who is now 2 yrs, 4 months) all of last year. I cried all Christmas day but found the strength to pull myself together and realize that my life is worth more than that.
She is now back in our lives only because her attitude and actions match her words; she is a completely different person so we are taking things in baby steps to build back so much of what was trashed. But SHE has had to do that and she has gotten to this point on her own and for her own reasons. If she truly wants to keep clean and sober, SHE will have to make that choice. But I do know that we all had to establish firm boundaries to make it all possible. It was damned hard but at least now we haven't lost ourselves and we are now able to enjoy her recovery because of ours!
It's a long road but each step forward (with a few back steps, of course) brings you that much closer to accepting what you are facing and dealing with it. Don't let her manipulate you. They are very skilled at that. Get your tool kit filled with the necessary tools to help you cope and you will do ok. At least you have found the best place to help you. SR saved me, which probably saved my AD in the long run.
Hugs & welcome,
Marteen
You have found a great place. I, too, am the mother of a nearly 27 yr old addict daughter, and I am a long-time member of this SR family.
My journey has been long but I have worked very hard on MY recovery. I discovered a long time ago that I could not control my daughter or her life. We had to kick her out and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But we also have a sober daughter, nearly 3 years younger than AD, and she,too, has been keeping her nose to the grindstone and is now in a fully paid fellowship working on her Ph.D! We gave our AD many warnings but told her if her behavior did not change, she would have to find another place to live because she could not live here, actively using drugs and lying to us. We could not take the chaos and drama any longer. That was when she was 18; and she has been spiraling downhill ever since but it was her choice. We always told her she could move back but on OUR terms, NOT hers. She made a choice not to.
We weren't allowed to talk to her or see her and our granddaughter (who is now 2 yrs, 4 months) all of last year. I cried all Christmas day but found the strength to pull myself together and realize that my life is worth more than that.
She is now back in our lives only because her attitude and actions match her words; she is a completely different person so we are taking things in baby steps to build back so much of what was trashed. But SHE has had to do that and she has gotten to this point on her own and for her own reasons. If she truly wants to keep clean and sober, SHE will have to make that choice. But I do know that we all had to establish firm boundaries to make it all possible. It was damned hard but at least now we haven't lost ourselves and we are now able to enjoy her recovery because of ours!
It's a long road but each step forward (with a few back steps, of course) brings you that much closer to accepting what you are facing and dealing with it. Don't let her manipulate you. They are very skilled at that. Get your tool kit filled with the necessary tools to help you cope and you will do ok. At least you have found the best place to help you. SR saved me, which probably saved my AD in the long run.
Hugs & welcome,
Marteen
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Another mom here to welcome you. I hope you keep coming back to share with us.
I have learned that I am completely powerless over my son's addiction. Nothing I have done has gotten him sober. I have gotten him to go to rehab 2 times, so maybe I helped to arrest the progression of the disease a couple of times. But power over him, his drinking, his drugging, his choices...NO. My son 23 yr.s) is back home to live after 5 yrs. away. He is telling lies again, breakin rules set, being sneaky, I am having to lock my door and hide things.
Real soon I may have to ask him to leave because I won't be able to live with the chaos.
As much as I love him it is painful to witness his decline. It is painful if he is gone too.
I know my Main focus must be doing what is BEST for me.
I have learned that I am completely powerless over my son's addiction. Nothing I have done has gotten him sober. I have gotten him to go to rehab 2 times, so maybe I helped to arrest the progression of the disease a couple of times. But power over him, his drinking, his drugging, his choices...NO. My son 23 yr.s) is back home to live after 5 yrs. away. He is telling lies again, breakin rules set, being sneaky, I am having to lock my door and hide things.
Real soon I may have to ask him to leave because I won't be able to live with the chaos.
As much as I love him it is painful to witness his decline. It is painful if he is gone too.
I know my Main focus must be doing what is BEST for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 5
I appreciate all of you and your experiences that you've shared with me. 
.
We do not have NarAnon in our county, but we do have AlAnon and will be attending our first meeting tomorrow night. I will let you all know how it goes.
One book that I did read that was very helpful for me was:
"When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives" by Jane Adams.
Dawn
. We do not have NarAnon in our county, but we do have AlAnon and will be attending our first meeting tomorrow night. I will let you all know how it goes.
One book that I did read that was very helpful for me was:
"When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives" by Jane Adams.
Dawn
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