Nikki221

Hello guys...my name is Nikki and this is my first time visiting this site. I'm in love with an addict and I need some help. Here is my story...

I met J eight years ago, when we were both 17 (we are 25 now). From the moment we met I knew he was trouble. He was a partier and had already dropped out of high school. I was no angel or anything because I definitely did my share of partying, but I knew my boundaries and I came from a good family. My parents were middle class and still married and I was raised to have good morals and values. J, on the other hand came from nothing and had a tumultuous upbringing. His dad died of a drug overdose when he was young and his mom had always been an alcoholic and a on and off gain crack addict. If I would have known how deeply addiction ran in his family I would have run away from him far and fast.

After being friends for about a year and a half things changed between J and I and before I knew it I fell in love. I'll admit that he was pretty much a loser, but I was young and dumb. At 19, I didn't look to the future or care much about anything. J made me laugh, he was the life of the party, everybody's best friend, and super cute. I was head over heels in love with him and nobody could tell me anything about him...in my eyes he could do no wrong. At this point he wasn't an addict...he drank way too much and partied hard...maybe experimented with cocaine every now and again, but definietly not an addict.

Anyway- we dated on and off for like 3 years. Probably more off than on, but it didn't matter because even when we were off I still loved him. Our relationship was all about going out and partying. We fought all the time and we both had horrible jealousy issues. He put his friends before me and couldn't fully commit, but deep down I knew he loved me. I blamed all his problems on his family and childhood and not him. I knew he was emotionally detached, but again I thought he would grow out of it.

Finally, in 2005 I walked away and left him. I knew things just weren't working and it was causing me a lot of stress. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because he was the only person I had ever loved and he was a constant in my life for so long. We had the same friends and went to the same places so I struggled with letting go. I finally met someone else and moved out of the small town we lived in to a bigger city like an hour away.

Even though I was with someone else I still longed to be with J. We still talked on the phone and saw each other occassionally, but he was still the same. He finally met someone else and moved in with her...it broke my heart, but I knew it was better her than me. He would still call me for the first few months he was with his girlfriend telling me he missed me and needed me and that only made things worse. I didn't understand why he could give her a committment and not me, but I knew I had to let go and move on.

I really started to do well for myself and I made a new life without J. I actually went a long time without talking to him. I would hear things about him and from what I heard I assumed he was doing well. It really seemed like he grew up and got his life together. For once in my life, I was really happy and I thought I was finally over him.

Fast forward to September of this year...I receive a phone call from J out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him for a really long time...I'm not even sure how he had gotten my phone number at this point. I had been hearing things about him and how he was using drugs, but I didn't know for sure. He told me him and his girlfriend had broken up and how he wanted to see me. I had no idea at this point that his girlfriend had kicked him out because of his drug use. Well J and I started hanging out and it brought back a lot of memories. I forgot how happy he made me and how much I missed him. Before I knew it he was telling me how he wanted to try things again and really wantyed to work things out this time. He told me that he has always loved me and always will.

Like the idiot I am I decide to take him back. This is when I realized that he is a full blown drug addict. He's addcited to prescription pills, he will pretty much take anything but his poison of choice is oxycontin. He's not even a functioning drug addict anymore. His life is spiraling more and more out of control everyday. He's pretty much hit rock bottom at this point and I'm afraid that if I don't get away he's going to drag me down with him.

His job found out awhile ago about his addcition and offered to pay for him to go to rehab, but he wouldn't go so he lost his job. With no job he had no money to pay for his truck so he lost that too. He also lost his place to live because his sister moved out of state so he moved in with some friends. Now he is hustling daily to get by and barely making it.

He told me that he won't go to rehab and that he likes the way that his life is when he is taking pills. He says that his life seems better when he is on pills. He knows he's an addict, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. He doesn't realize that the pills are the cause of all of his problems. It's gotten so out of control that he has started stealing and was even caught trying to steal me a christmas present the other day. The amount of pills he takes on a daily basis would kill a normal person. I'm scared everyday that he is going to take one pill too many or drink too much with the pills and end up killing himself.

I've tried and tried to help him, but he doesn't want anyone's help right now. I've finally realized that I'm enabling him more than I'm helping him. I get so mad and frustrated with him and I keep saying I'm done with him, but then he sucks me right back in with all his BS. He lies all the time...lies so much that I can no longer decide what is the truth anymore. I'm always accusing him and blaming him for stuff. I constantly nag him and get mad about the pills. I live my life more frustrated than I do happy and now I'm at the point where I know it's not worth it anymore. I get mad at him almost daily and then he waits a few hours, call me and then sugar coats it until I get over it and things are ok again.

I want to walk away, but I'm so scared and I don't know if I'm strong enough. I know I'm one of the few people he has in his life to depend on. I love this man with all my heart and soul...I would do anything to take his pain and hurt away. I think I'm in love with who he was and not who he has become. I'm holding on to the past and not looking at the present or looking toward the future. I've always seen something in him that no one else has, not even him. I've always believed in him and been his biggest supporter. I would do anything to have him know how it feels to wake up and be happy not because he has to take a bunch of pills, but just because he's happy. I'm considering going to a meeting for people who love addicts, but I'm not sure that it would be right for me. Any suggestions...thought?

Abundance

Nikki... welcome to SR...... I am one of those people... who fell in love with an addict. Same thing happened with me... he was just a partier... that then the oxys also took him down. He was lying to me about the use, and I knew that he was using.. and he wouldn't tell me the truth.

We broke up for the final time and it is the worst feeling ever. I am really devastated by it... probably more so than I was when I was actively freaking out while I was in the relationship. He says that he has stopped and has stayed clean...even though he is still hanging around the same crowd. He was so confident yesterday that he is clean and he is so upset that some people know of his addiction, where he just wants to move on and forget about it. He doesn't think he is an addict ... he thinks he is okay now... and that makes me feel like I"m crazy for thinking he was one too.

I'm sorry that I don't have any reassuring words for you.... I've been in that place where you are... and I totally relate. You'll find support here...

When I see these new posts from people... and the drug of choice (doc) is oxys... it breaks my heart.

Up there in bold... could be me... literally... word for word. The oxys made my guy feel like he was able to function.... i would say it was the oxys destroying him, but he thought that the oxys are what helped him deal and function in life. I am scared that he is going to wind up 6 feet under... and do too much... I am scared that he is going to be worse off years down the road than he is today...... Sure it is fun to party and have a good time, but life isn't one big party!!!!!!!

*also... there is something that I read in regards to what you wrote... the part i bolded and underlined. I'm telling you... those could be my words. But the red flag that I learned just a couple of weeks ago... and that when we know someone more than they know themselves or other people know them... that is a red flag. I have been that person for my guy too..... but that is not healthy. I have come to terms with that.

I felt that we had allegiance ... I felt that we always had each other's backs... but when the oxy's came in full force..... that all went away. I reacted in anger and total chaos in my head... and he reacted by using. It really is such a horrible spiral going down.

(((hugs)))

drose_01

Hello Nikki, I am new here, too. When I read your story I realized how very similar your situation is to my 21 year old daughter who's abf has been addicted to Oxycontin for approx 8 years. Unfortunately, my daughter allowed herself to become addicted to the Oxy, also.

I am definitely no expert here, but those words you wrote are very telling... and I think that going to a meeting for "people who love addicts" would be a very positive thing for you. I am going to be going to one soon myself to help with my ad. I hope you will, too.

mooselips

Hi Nikki,
I've always heard we don't get to choose who we fall in love with...I really wonder if that's true.

Anyway, my suggestion would be to start attending Alanon meetings. They have people there in the same situation as you, and the meetings give you strength.

You say you walked away from him before. Are you frightened that if you leave him this time he will die?

It is a fear all of mothers face whenever we detach, from our adult children.

Addiction is a family disease, it affects everyone associated with the addict.


Hugs to you,
I know how hard all of this is for you.

Stellargirl

I don't have many words of comfort except to tell you to take One day at a time.

I am thinking of going to my first meeting tonight.

I miss my XABF so much right now, even though he is an *******.

It's such a strange love.

I think a meeting is a good idea, reassure you...you are not alone!

You must move on and let go again Nikki, he is dragging you down and
HE DOESN'T WANT HELP, what else can you do?

hope213

welcome to S.R... you are in the right place to get help with your problem," loving an addict". you can not help him & the sooner he hits his bottom maybe he will get the help he needs. he has got to want the help. he thinks as of now he has no drug problem. my son is my addict & as much as i love him i can not love him clean only to death. i realized by picking him up every time he fell i was just putting off his time of getting clean.you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. those are the 3c's. i do not feel guilty when it comes to my son. he has got to do it all himself.nikki, learn to take care of you & leave him to his own recovery. he is not ready & i personally would not wait for him to clean up. he may never get clean. that is the sad part. sending prayers up for you both.hugs, hope