Please help me understand!

Old 12-25-2007, 11:17 PM
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Angry Please help me understand!

As I've said previously I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years up until recently. Before we met he used to go to bars and drink alone, pick up and sleep with girls (any - he wasn't fussy), drive the car like a mad man etc. He was cocky, arogant, obnoxious, cold, treated people like crap, you name it. After 6 months of being together, and arguing and me threatening to finish with him, he decided he wanted to stop, as he didn't want to be 'that person anymore'. For the following 2 1/2 years we had a very loving, devoted relationship. He was caring, considerate, and oh so loving and affectionate (unlike when he used to drink), and he was very protective of me, and frightened of losing me. His brand new car was his pride and joy, that he polished and cleaned all the time, yet now drinking he risks totalling it, the way he drives.

Lately I have noticed him start to get overwhelmed again with his life/work/band etc, and once again he has hit the bottle. I ended our relationship as I can't deal with him when he drinks, as he destroys me emotionally. And he has just gone back to his old life, of not giving a damn about anyone but himself, drinking, sleeping around etc.

I don't understand how he can go from loving me so intensley for 2 1/2 years when not drinking, and now that he is drinking again, not giving a damn about me at all, just like that, and not caring about the fact we arn't together anymore. When we had broke up before and he wasn't drinking, he'd be begging to get back together, and everything that was so important to him, like his band, completely went out of the window, as he said he didn't care about anything if he didn't have me? How does that happen? Please help me to understand that as it is truly killing me. In the past when he wasn't drinking he wasn't able to not have contact for more than 4 days, for fear I would meet someone else. But this time it's been 5 weeks. How can he just not care at all anymore, just because he's drinking. He knows he can't have me and drink, and I know he wants to drink right now, but I still don't understand his way of thinking. How can alcohol change someone so much, they become the opposite of themselves?

I'm sorry, it's Christmas day, my family don't live in this country, and I have spent the whole day alone, trying to make sense of things and I just can't seem to, and it hurts so much how he can just suddenly switch off to me, just because he's drinking. Please help me understand. I am hurting so much right now.

My other question is, who is he really? Is he the kind, loving, devoted guy, I have shared 3 beautiful years of my life with, when he wasn't drinking? He was so respectable and had morales, and so picky, and thought girls who sleep around were disgusting. Or is he really the person he is when he drinks - the cruel, arogant person, who will sleep with anyone now he is single again? Is that who he really is, and I have been living a complete lie for the past 3 years? Is he really this horrible person, or is this just the alcohol. I am not niave, and very perceptive, and I know I would have known if I was living a lie for 3 years. But this is so confusing to me, I really need outside opinions. Can alcohol really change someone that much?

Thank you so much, whoever replies.
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Old 12-25-2007, 11:48 PM
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I think alchohol can completely change someone. Drawing from my own experiences with my brother, when we were kids we were best friends. I looked up to him, he was just, "cool." He fell in with the wrong crowd, then he started drinking. When I look at him, I remember my brother from back then, and see that he is most definitely a changed man. So yes, alchohol can change you. I do not pretend to know much about this subject though, I'm here for help just like you but, all I can say is that I feel for you. I hope your situation is resolved, but for now you just have to understand that alchoholism isn't really a choice. He's not choosing alchohol over you, he has a disease, something that takes away all of his self control.

Really, all I can say that having a person you are close to become someone is confusing, frustrating, and simply hurts. Try to remember the good times you had with him and that he is sick, it's not your fault, and from the sounds of it, it's not who he really is, but alchohol changes you like that.
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Old 12-26-2007, 12:25 AM
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Thank you 82tb

Thank you 82tb, I really needed to hear some kind words. My whole day has been consumed with, how can this be happening? We were so looking forward to spending Christmas Day together, but this happened 5 weeks ago. It is so hard to get your head around the total change, which just came out of nowhere, with the drink. It's so hard missing the man I love so much, which is only intensified by the fact that I know due to his state of mind now, he probably doesn't even give me a second thought. And I find that so hard, considering we were so close. It's so hard to accept the fact that he can just go out now he's single and pick up someone just like that, after what we had, whereas I couldn't have anything to do wih another man right now. The thought of it sickens me. I know I need to keep remembering the fact that I'm not sick, he is. He would never behave like this when he's sober. In fact when he is sober, his own behavior thoroughly repulses him, and even he can't unserstand it! But the funny thing is I'm an actress and have had to do kissing scenes. That was just acting, and it absolutely destroyed him emotionally, but then again, he wasn't drinking then. God this is painful.

Once again thank you for your kind words. I really need them right now.
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Old 12-26-2007, 01:55 AM
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I can't answer that for you Alice.
I'm sorry that you're going through what you're going through.
This is my first x-mas after my break up...not the first i've spent
alone. i don't even know what a normal happy x-mas is suppost
to be anymore..All i know is years ago...We didn't get a tree..it
totally triped me out. Even when i was single i manage to get
a x-mas tree.

I've ask that same question not too long ago.
I don't know...that's my answer...is that "i don't know"
i went out of my mind trying to figure her out. And don't
really understand how anyone can be so cold or numb.
It hurts and is fustrating..becuase i just don't get it.
I don't get now i can live with someone for over 10 years
of my life and the other person just totally feel anything.
Other than she's still pop pills as she always has.
It round and round in my head and narly drove me crazy
and almost into an obsession trying to figure it out.

I guess the relationship is not important to her
or I'm not important to her anymore...I'm all used up.
Yet, i struggle to let go and she's off in la laa land somewhere.
Nope she dosn't give me a second thought..even if she did
I'm on the bottom of her food change and her thoughts of me
would be too inconvinent for her..especially now.

I'm just trying to get well and heal from all of this
I stayed 3 years way, way too long becuase i really love
her.

I don't wish it upon anyone. I hope people have success
stories and not have to go through any of this.
i wish i can say your BF will be different...
but you're bascailly living through something that i did..
I did it over and over again..becuase i had a lot of hope.
I can't afford that kind of hope today.

it is this...no one can make me stay away from her.
I know how you feel.
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Old 12-26-2007, 06:21 AM
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I'm sorry you are feeling the pain that goes along with being involved with an alcoholic. I gave up some time ago trying to understand the "whys" in my relationship. I realized there is no understanding what is irrational behavior. It just doesn't work.

You might want to consider AlAnon or therapy to help you understand yourself. I found therapy very helpful in beginning to understand why I got into and stayed in a relationship with my STBXAH.

You cannot change him but you can change and help yourself.
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:48 AM
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"It round and round in my head and narly drove me crazy
and almost into an obsession trying to figure it out.
I guess the relationship is not important to her
or I'm not important to her anymore...I'm all used up.
Yet, i struggle to let go and she's off in la laa land somewhere.
Nope she dosn't give me a second thought..even if she did
I'm on the bottom of her food change and her thoughts of me
would be too inconvinent for her..especially now."


Satit, you're reading my mind again!! OMG, the Holidays brought this kind of thinking out in me and it about drove me nutty. My friend in Miami had to "fuss at me" to get me off that track. I don't know how they can change in a moment, but they do. What happened to "Us?", what happened to "love and miss you with all my heart?", why is another woman making wedding plans? Sheesh, remember dummy (me), I was the one who refused to marry him? I'm all twisted up in my head sometimes.

Part of the reason is because a lot of us have been treated to the "love 'em and leave 'em" treatment. One day you're beloved, the next day you're yesterday's trash. Maybe we're haunted by it because we would NEVER treat someone like that - it's an alien concept to us. I don't know. But I do know I have to shake off this short-term funk and get back on track.
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Old 12-26-2007, 07:52 AM
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Hello Alice- glad your here. First off, keep posting all of the stuff you want to post, just get it up and out. Alcohol changes the very composition of the persons brain chemistry, as well as their demeanor. It's not you, repeat that to yourself. It isn't. It hurts, it rapes you of everything you are if you allow it. Alot of times its already happened before we know it. I know it is difficult trying to figure out the whys. Take comfort in the fact that it is his loss, and until he can see that, or get help and loose the alcohol, he won't care. Keep that in mind. Beating yourself up is hard on yourself. Alcohol and drugs can take a normal, loving,affectionate person and rip their whole demeanor to the core. Thats a fact. In that process, your emotional state gets affected as well. Try to take time to heal. That is just going to take time, I know that part sucks, (to be blunt) but it does. You loved/love him, and those are feelings you just can't flip on and off with a switch. You got through Christmas day, what can you get out and do just for you today? Think about it.

So glad your here!
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:55 AM
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One possibility is that "they" don't change in an instant at all. Perhaps the beginning was the hook and I spent the next 18 years slowly and steadily believing I had done something wrong to make them turn against me. So I spent those years constantly trying to get back that fantasy beginning I believed I had.
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Old 12-26-2007, 09:24 AM
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So I spent those years constantly trying to get back that fantasy beginning I believed I had.
-Denny


Yup I did the same....until I started to feel too much pain going on within myself and knew the only way out was within myself and my own reach, changes, etc.

We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves-I have learned that trying to fill in the "why's" of anything is not worth my time or energy anymore-I take a step back and most times it comes to me.

I started counseling and Al-Anon again and again until I got tired of the pain and then I worked them both and live a much happier life today-It is worth a shot-

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now keep coming back and posting there is a lot of great people/advice here in SR!
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Old 12-26-2007, 02:12 PM
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But it's not always fantasy. This past year R really, truly was saying he loved me. It's as though he read my mind of what I had wanted all those years (I had NEVER told him) and finally it was coming true. He wanted to get married, to have two houses (one up north, one in the south), to travel, and if we had been younger have children. It finally wasn't a fantasy. But then, POOF, it was gone, and he turned into this ogre that must have been there all along. He binged, he cheated, he no longer was a pleasant person to be around. So no, it wasn't all fantasy.

Otis, it was the belittling at the end that made me leave too. I was NOT about to put up with that kind of treatment! I put up with it for years with my dad, then my x-husband, and it just wasn't going to happen again. NO WAY. \

Anvilhead, your story is so interesting, but so is every recovery story I hear. You say you were a train wreck ... what was your bottom?
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:24 PM
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Since one can't separate the addiction from the person, I believe he is all those things. The loving, caring, responsible person and the selfish, careless, I-don't-give-a-damn person. The individual elements make up the whole. People are complex creatures. Addiction makes them more so.
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:34 PM
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My husband told me for 18 years he loved me. Up until the day I told him he couldn't come back to the house he was telling me he adored me. I chose to believe it for a long time and forgave his actions under the influence. Fantasy to me doesn't mean it didn't happen or I imagined it ("I love you"), but more what I attached to it.
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