Impurrfect

Well, so much for a merry Christmas.

My 14-year-old niece, Brit, came home last night. She pretty much lives with her best friend and I don't agree, but I don't make the rules. Everything was fine today when we opened presents.

Now, Brit is wanting to go to her BF's house. After being told "no" repeatedly by my stepmom, she asked me to go get her friend and I said "no", then she went to dad. He also said "no" and she went off on him.

She started cussing him out - the f word is her favorite. He hit her with a belt, my stepmom got in the middle, and I had to break up the 3 of them. He has a huge anger problem that he won't do anything about. He also has a tendency to bring sex into every situation...called Brit a wh--e before. He was calling her names again and I told him that he's always put me down before for stooping to someone's level and that is exactly what he is doing. I also told him that he was the adult and he's supposed to lead by example and he needed to back off...actually I was screaming this because everyone was yelling. He then accused Brit of her and her BF being "lovers" - I told him he was sick and he needed help and he was totally inappropriate. It kept on and I told them I was going to a motel room because I can't take this.

However, when I got in my room, my cat Elvis was looking at me like "please don't leave me here" and I can't leave him. I also know that I don't need to leave the house tonight because if I go to a motel room, more than likely someone will have crack and I don't think I'm strong enough tonight to turn it down, so am staying in my room, here at SR.

I can't move out...I just don't have the money. My car is leaking water and I have to take it to the shop tomorrow and am praying it is not an expensive repair. I'm praying that God helps me find a way to get out of this house (with Elvis) and stay clean.

I know I didn't cause this, can't change it or cure it. I can't help anyone who doesn't want help (my dad with his anger and my stepmom with her codie behaviors). Right now everyone has gone to separate parts of the house and Christmas has pretty much been ruined. I came to my room and snuggled with Elvis for 30 minutes before I stopped crying and shaking.

I know this will pass, but I just needed a little SR TLC right now. Thanks!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

scaredykat

I'm sorry Amy for all that you went through today. I really don't know what to say to help having been emotional myself the past couple of days.

So here's a hug for you.

Barb

marle

Amy, Sorry that this had to happen. A lot of expectations about Christmas that are most of the time not met. Whatever you do, don't use over this. You know it will not make things better. It will not make your dad less angry, it will not make your step-mother less of a codie and it will not make your niece less of a brat, but it will damage you. Sending prayers your way. Stay with us and hold Elvis tight. Hugs, Marle

sleepygoat

((((Amy)))) Well all I can say, throw a 14 year old girl into the mix and you'll likely have out of control emotions and lots of chaos. Its a very self-centered age and an unstable one hormonally speaking (think back!). So sorry your Christmas turned out this way, but it isn't too late to go and catch a meeting, is it?

Impurrfect

Thanks!

For now, everyone's acting as if nothing happened, but I know it will be brought up again.

Sleepygoat - I haven't been to a meeting in a few years, but thanks for reminding me of the option. So far, I've gotten what I need from a few supportive friends and here. And I DO try to remember what I was like at 14. But my mom would have never tolerated that behavior from me, or my dad. Guess that may be 'cause she went to al-anon Never actually knew why...grandfather was alcoholic b4 mom died but quit drinking. Mom initially went with a friend whose husband was an A (he was a friend too) and found what she needed and stayed. My greatest treasure is her al-anon book with her notes in it.

I guess what bothers me is that Brit has no guidance. I took her phone to be repaired the other day and she had pictures of what I'm pretty sure is marijuana on it. She admitted to smoking it and drinking liquor a year ago, but said she quit and stepmom said okay. I know...not in my hula-hoop, right?

I was hard on myself for even thinking of crack, but I just realized I actually was pretty responsible about it. I knew, as soon as I said I was going to a motel, what I would find there, so I didn't go. I had already figured that if I had to leave, I was going to my "other-mother's" house....just down the road. I have to remember that I may still have thoughts of dope, but at least I didn't act on it or even really want it.

You have all taught me well....I came here, e-mailed my other-mother, and got some TLC from Elvis. Brit's BF just got here....can we say manipulative??? Oh well, NOT my problem.

Thanks again. I'm very grateful that my first reaction to chaos it come here and you never let me down I'm also pretty darn grateful for Elvis...think I will have to get him a treat.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

newsandi

Well, Dont feel like you are alone, my Christmas sucked and I am now up in my room away from everything and everyone. I am glad you didnt act on your desire to get crack but I think you wouldnt of done it, you dont realize how strong you have become and how far you have come, but I do and you know you are better then that life. Dont let someone elses behavior cause you to hurt yourself. You have came way to far to ever go back. Tomorrow is a new day for us all and it will get better. I would try to stay there as long as you can so you can get your finances better under control and then you can think about a move like that.
Your friend always,
Sandi

VanessaLee13

Oh, Amy...I'm sorry I didn't catch this post earlier. I am so sorry you had a rough day. Probably even rougher since it is Christmas. I am so proud of you for deciding not to leave and go to a motel. I doubt any addict ever completely loses any desire to use, ever. I am sure they all think of it at one time or another. The difference is what you decide to do with that urge. Sounds like you made the right decision.

Hugs!

Wascally Wabbit

I am a little late purffy.
Well, my Christmas was spent with my recovering alcoholic mother who criticized every single thing all freaking day. I wanted to get duck tape and paste it over her mouth.
SHe is so negative that it will ruin anyones day.
I don't know why the holidays bring out the worst in people.

The more I think of it, the more I truly believe the reason people get mean, and drink too much etc, is because of those jewelry store Christmas ads. Yep, if someone isn't giving you a huge diamond, they don't love you and you don't have that fairy tale romance. On the men's side, they see the ad and think they can never afford anything like that and commence drinking to forget how the ad has portrayed them as losers. Lol, it's just my two cent psychology.

Any way, I saw this on one of my websites and thought you needed some humor.
Here it is. My favorite and most applicable is the last one.
Ads that went terribly wrong:


2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

caileesnana

Amy,
I'm sorry this happened on CHristmas. 14 yo girl can ruin anything! Talk about manipulation.

I'm glad you recognized you were having a "moment" and didn't go out, that shows such growth and maturity. The holidays are almost over, we will make it through together.

Love ya friend,
susan

Lovestoomuch

((AMY))

Ahhhhh......wouldn't be a holiday without a family blow out now would it? I'm so sorry you had to go through a second of it, but am very proud you decided to stay and hold your kitty tight.

If this were a test of strength and determination to keep moving forward you definitely passed with absolute flying colors and remember this. Your situation.......well it's not a permanent one.

You will not always be too broke to move out. I'd bet by this time next year you're sitting in your own place.......just the way you want it......with the peace you want so much in your life. No need to throw that goal away because of others bad behaviors. You have a whole life ahead of you sweetie. Stay focused, do what you need in order to maintain a healthy level of sanity and keep doing exactly what you did today. You have what it takes to get to where you want to be. Don't let anyone or anything sway you away from it. All said with love.

greeteachday

(((((Amy)))))
I'm sorry your holiday got ruined with family discord...Sure wish that wasn't as common as it is. I'm so glad you decided to come here...very positive and healthy decision. Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs

marteen

So sorry you had to endure that which you could not help but I like your statement, " . That's true; you cannot control the situation with your niece and her family.

As for you, it's tough when we expect so much different at Christmas but the holidays sometimes bring out so much stress, anxiety, anger, etc, all the things we don't want at this time. Too many people go through that. I'm just glad you kept your head and allowed yourself to reach out to others at SR and to Elvis. Cats can have an uncanny way of comforting. Good for you that you did not allow yourself to go to a place where you would be out of your comfort zone and perhaps get into trouble. I know it's hard but you did the right thing. It just proves that you have the coping mechanisms to help you through using. Congrats.

Please know that you are definately not alone; there are too many people who share in your disappointments and frustration. But things can and do get better. Hope is always alive. I cried myself through the whole Christmas day last year because of my active, addict daughter but this year, we all spent an unbelievable and memorable time together. I NEVER thought that would ever happen but it did. So never give up on hope.

Hugs,
Marteen

Done_With_It

(((Amy)))

We should have hung out together today! 8
My day wasn't as bad as yours. Gosh I'm so sorry all
that happened, but like others said, I'm proud of you
for not using! That is so good, and shows you how far
you've come in your thinking patterns, it's so easy to
change them now eh, eventually the thought of using
when a problem comes up won't even enter your mind.
It happens with me less and less.

My day started out good, but I had a quick reminder that just because I'm better and doing well, doesn't mean everyone else is. My family drinks a lot, which is odd because I don't like to drink, but everyone else does.
So there was of course, broken glass, a fight, etc.
Not that bad, not a physical fight, lol, just parents fighting over stupid stuff.
I just kept watching my movie, and watched them clean it up, didn't move, etc. But it ended Xmas real quick.

But just remember we are not our parents. I've always gotten so upset when things like this happen, but getting upset over things we can't control, isn't healthy or good for our sobriety. I know that sounds easier said than done, but it's just the way it is, I can't afford to do meth, and you can't afford to do crack.
So I'm going to bed with my dog almost as happy as I did this morning, because I can't control them or live their lives. Give Elvis a big Hug for me too!
Maybe if you focus and make a plan on getting your own place that may help. That would be a lot harder I imagine.
Hang in there girl, your doing great!

Abundance

(((hugs)))) Amy...... what a day ........ moving on to tomorrow.... I think it's been a full moon ... not sure when it was, but I think the moon contributes.

Good for you for realizing and knowing the difference and then being pro-active. You know the consequences of what just a one time use is going to do to you.

Have a good rest of your holiday.......

Impurrfect

Thanks again everyone!

Well, just when I thought the storm had passed....

One of the other kitties was meowing to go outside (he's our sweetest but loudest kitty) so I went to the door to let him out (it was 3 a.m.) and dad came flying out of the bedroom as I opened the door and kicked Kitty - not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to infuriate me.

I told him to stop and that he needs some serious help and he came after me with a look of pure rage...I ran to my room and slammed the door and told him he'd better not come in there. I told him he's going to end up in jail and I would NOT visit him. He says not to worry 'cause he's moving out.

SO, crying and shaking again, I tell him that instead of getting help, he wants to take his anger out on everyone else and, by God, he'll show US by moving out (he is the sole supporter of stepmom and Brit).

I then went into a tailspin....wondering how I will move out, get all of mine and my mom's stuff out of here, and where will I go with 4 cats!!! I was only going to take elvis, but I won't leave the other 3 if they aren't taken care of or abused.

Then I got in my SR mode and said "breathe"...I don't have to do anything right this minute.

I did make a decision, though. I thought about calling the cops today but didn't want dad to lose his business, that he just got going good, or the house. But after this last episode, I WILL call the cops if he hits me. He can be bonded out (property bond on the house or one of HIS credit cards) but maybe a night in jail would do him some good and they could court-order counseling/anger management.

I have come too far to let any man ever hit me again, including my dad. I still love him, but right now I hate him, too, if that makes any sense. I'm hoping he has to work today and can get the heck out of here. If things get bad, my stepmom and Brit can go to her sister's in SC.

I will survive this and I will let dad deal with HIS consequences. I don't think he realizes, yet, that he's crossed a line with me and I am in full survival mode. I'm going in to work early all week to make extra money and am going to find a place that will take me and the cats and not charge $200-$300 per cat. I don't have any furniture (not even a bed), but as long as I can get internet (which I can with the cable company...one of the few places I don't owe $$ to) and can get on SR, I'll be okay.

Funny thing is, I really didn't have any expectations about it being Christmas. I knew there would be some kind of argument because there always is when Brit is home...just a fact of life around here. I didn't expect it to get this bad, though.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hope213

i am late on this. i am just sending you a hugs & a prayer. you got thru this & i am proud of you. sorry this happened. i hope today will be better.

lostparent

Sorry things turned out so bad for you on Christmas. From things you have said in the past I know you really love your Dad. It's great that you you were able to handle it without losing yourself. It does sound like your niece knows how to push all the right buttons to get what she wants, teenage girls are good at that.
Hope things have calmed down around there today.

BigSis

(((hugs)))

It is ok to call the police when feeling threatened. I know it is Christmas. I know she is 14 and that sort of crazy. But when an abuser (a man with an "anger" problem) takes a belt to anyone... it is time for someone "bigger" to arrive.

My daughter called the cops on Mr. Big - about two times - just because he sounded like he was going to hit her. The cops came, defused the situation and had one of them leave. It never happened again - even though the chaos actually got worse, primarily because daughter had drawn a boundary.... cross THIS and you will go to jail.

I urge you to consider drawing such a boundary yourself - any time you do not feel safe. And to communicate that to your neice. Even with her crazy behavior, she is no match for a grown man with a belt... the lesson she might take away from calling the police is that "I am worth saving"..... and so are you.


(((BigHugs))))

Impurrfect

(((BigSis)))

We've actually been through this situation once before when she cussed dad out and he hit her. Because my stepmom is her guardian, she is actually still a ward of the state, and he is not allowed to hit her...at all. The problem comes with my stepmom...because Brit is usually the provoker and has her OWN issues, there is a good chance that she will be taken away (especially if she tests positive for any drugs, which I think she might with the marijuana).

I've tried to get them to put her in counseling but stepmom won't do anything. After the last issue (her sperm-donor dad reported that she was out of control), CPS came to the house and investigated. By then, everything was calm (Brit was worried, so on her best behavior) and they both downplayed the hitting incident (he slapped her face). The CPS lady came to the house and did counseling with both stepmom and Brit, but they only told her what they wanted her to know. My stepsister has talked with CPS and they are aware that Brit is a walking timebomb and said they will be in her life until she's 18.

So, I've had to turn that whole situation over. I've done what I could, and given my advice, but no one wants to do anything. My stepmom's 1st husband was an A who beat the crap out of her until he died, so that is part of it.

I am going to make sure I don't get hit, but as far as my stepmom and Brit, I'm going to let them make the decision. I don't agree with dad hitting her, but I also don't agree with a 14-year-old calling an adult a f---ing b--ch, to say the least.

As soon as my stepmom wakes up, I'll take the car to the shop (I will have to leave it, so need a ride home) and go from there. Someone here offered to help me find a way to move out, and I have another SR friend who may be able to loan me $$, but I'd rather find a way to do it on my own. To say SR has been my lifeline, is a huge understatement!

On a good note, the kitty who was kicked out, is now asleep on my bed. I was worried he'd be afraid to come home.

Thanks, so much, to all of you. If I hadn't come here, to this forum, I'd still be thinking that I deserve whatever I get. Now I know that I deserve to be safe, happy, and serene.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

caileesnana

Come to Texas and stay w/ me! I think the nursing board does the reciprocation w/ GA!!!

You are doing great! Brit is headed for big, big trouble. All the warning signs are there. Too bad step mom won't realize it for what it is, she could help Brit not live the same hell she did!!

Prayers they will wake up soon, and YOU keep doing what you're doing!
susan