Xmas without AS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Xmas without AS
We made it through the Christmas holiday without my AS. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 weeks.
This is the first time that he has gone missing. His gf reported him missing to the police. We have no clue where he is. Sometimes I wonder if he is even still alive.
I have never experienced this before. He has never just basically vanished from our lives.
I just don't know what to feel. There is really nothing for me to do at this point. I just go about my life and hope that he is doing what he has to do.
I guess I just think it is odd that he hasn't even tried to see his babies. I know that I cannot make sense of any of this and I shouldn't even try. Sometimes I can't help it.
Sorry for babbling.
Lisa
This is the first time that he has gone missing. His gf reported him missing to the police. We have no clue where he is. Sometimes I wonder if he is even still alive.
I have never experienced this before. He has never just basically vanished from our lives.
I just don't know what to feel. There is really nothing for me to do at this point. I just go about my life and hope that he is doing what he has to do.
I guess I just think it is odd that he hasn't even tried to see his babies. I know that I cannot make sense of any of this and I shouldn't even try. Sometimes I can't help it.
Sorry for babbling.
Lisa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
It is the progression of the disease. I remember thinking that not seeing my daughter for a couple of weeks would have just about killed me and then I went 7 months without seeing her. She survived the separation and so did I. Most of the time it is not as bad as what you think. Somehow my daughter has not only survived but she has picked up quite a few survival skills in the process. Last Christmas was bad for me because it was just at the beginning of the 7 month separation. This year my daughter and I have been taking baby steps at having a relationship again. She is still using but I have pretty firm boundaries and she respects them. So don't give up hope and try not to awfulize. I know it is hard. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
When they go missing its just the hardest thing. at least for me it is. There were months at a time when I didn't hear anything from my AD or even about her. I can't tell you how many times I thought she was dead - even was sure she was dead. But low and behold, there she was, alive and kickin'.
So I know how difficult it is to go thru this. We tend to keep harping on the same questions or try to figure out what is going on when we have no little or no information. I would go around in circles in my mind, always ending up thinking the worst. This is the very essence of powerlessness. I guess what helped me was to 'keep it moving' and distract myself by staying busy - but only after I had said my prayers first and truly (if only for a few minutes) felt that peace and surrender to a loving God. After that, the rest of the day was about doing stuff that needed getting done, and resting when I needed to rest and just taking care of business. Don't isolate! That just makes it worse.
:praying for you and your son.
So I know how difficult it is to go thru this. We tend to keep harping on the same questions or try to figure out what is going on when we have no little or no information. I would go around in circles in my mind, always ending up thinking the worst. This is the very essence of powerlessness. I guess what helped me was to 'keep it moving' and distract myself by staying busy - but only after I had said my prayers first and truly (if only for a few minutes) felt that peace and surrender to a loving God. After that, the rest of the day was about doing stuff that needed getting done, and resting when I needed to rest and just taking care of business. Don't isolate! That just makes it worse.
:praying for you and your son.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I didn't know where my son was on a few occas. in the last several yrs. he missed holidays.
This Xmas he is home.
Things change...I pray your son is safe and will soon find his way to check in and let you know. I use to say a prayer ea. a.m. "HP please watch over my son and keep him safe"
It made me feel better and helped me to release some of my fear + doubt.
Blessing to you during this painful time
This Xmas he is home.
Things change...I pray your son is safe and will soon find his way to check in and let you know. I use to say a prayer ea. a.m. "HP please watch over my son and keep him safe"
It made me feel better and helped me to release some of my fear + doubt.
Blessing to you during this painful time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Thank you all for your responses. I am just trying to let my thoughts make too crazy. The holidays have kept me busy and I think that my grandchildren keep me going.
I broke down a little this morning while we were looking a pics from Thanksgiving. Just seeing him with his son made my heart ache for him. As much of a pain in my butt he has been over the years I love him very much and want him to get to the place where he needs to be.
Thanks again.
I broke down a little this morning while we were looking a pics from Thanksgiving. Just seeing him with his son made my heart ache for him. As much of a pain in my butt he has been over the years I love him very much and want him to get to the place where he needs to be.
Thanks again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I know how hard it is, and my prayers go out that your son will find a better path soon.
What helps me is to give my son to God each day and then live my day knowing he is well cared for.
Hugs
What helps me is to give my son to God each day and then live my day knowing he is well cared for.
Hugs
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Stephensmom)))
I, too, know what it is to have my son missing. Wondering, worrying....all for nothing.
Nothing I did made a difference.
He's in the hands of his HP.
Think of G*D's loving arms around your son now, as it was with mine.
Trevor is home this year for the holidays. He's expecting a baby and is clean. He's going to meetings, working and going to school too! So, the message I'm sending is this....
Don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens.
But, do take care of yourself, even as you give your boy to G*D. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Look after yourself. That model is the best gift you can give your son and your precious grandchild.
Shalom!
I, too, know what it is to have my son missing. Wondering, worrying....all for nothing.
Nothing I did made a difference.
He's in the hands of his HP.
Think of G*D's loving arms around your son now, as it was with mine.
Trevor is home this year for the holidays. He's expecting a baby and is clean. He's going to meetings, working and going to school too! So, the message I'm sending is this....
Don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens.
But, do take care of yourself, even as you give your boy to G*D. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Look after yourself. That model is the best gift you can give your son and your precious grandchild.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I was missing for months at a time, and my dad has told me he was often terrified I was hurt or dead somewhere. But like Marle said, we A's learn quite a few survival skills. I know it's hard to understand why he doesn't want to see his babies but it's part of the disease. When we're active, ALL we can think about is getting high. We do think about those we are hurting, but that makes us feel ashamed and guilty, which to an A is another reason to get high.
I didn't have any kids, but I walked away from my cats and anyone here knows how much I love my cats. I lost them all and don't know that I will ever forgive myself for that, but I try to tell myself that I'm not that person anymore. I know it's nothing like walking away from kids (which I've known several people to do, including my XABF) but it was a HUGE thing for me and it just reminds me of how the dope took over my life.
There's still hope for your AS. Everyone told me "no one quits smoking crack" but I did and me and my current cats are doing pretty good. I won't tell you to quit worrying about him, but these wonderful people here can show you how to go on with life, no matter what he does.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
I didn't have any kids, but I walked away from my cats and anyone here knows how much I love my cats. I lost them all and don't know that I will ever forgive myself for that, but I try to tell myself that I'm not that person anymore. I know it's nothing like walking away from kids (which I've known several people to do, including my XABF) but it was a HUGE thing for me and it just reminds me of how the dope took over my life.
There's still hope for your AS. Everyone told me "no one quits smoking crack" but I did and me and my current cats are doing pretty good. I won't tell you to quit worrying about him, but these wonderful people here can show you how to go on with life, no matter what he does.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
My oldest up and dissapeared for several days. I called the police. They came out and filed a report, but the mad said to me that he really believed son would show back up in a day or two. Sure enough, all my fretting and making myself crazy was for nothing.
I know how scarey it is because as parents, we tend to think the worse has happened.
I will pray for your peace tonight.
I know how scarey it is because as parents, we tend to think the worse has happened.
I will pray for your peace tonight.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Don't try to make any sense of it; you will only drive yourself crazy. I, too, have been through this and a whole lot more with my addict daughter. I was a basket-case at first, esp. when I first came here.
I learned, in time, to concentrate on MY recovery and discovered that I had no control over her's. It was hard at first but I had to if I was to maintain any sanity, I HAD to concentrate on me and my life. You cannot control the behavior of an addict; you can only control just how much you let their behavior control YOU.
You will get through it and the fact that you have come here just shows that you desire to help yourself. That's a good thing and this is a great place to be. I would never have made it if it had not been for SR.
You are not alone; many of us have been through what you are now going through and what you will be going through. Don't dispair, you will make it. Just gather all the necessary tools for your own recovery tool kit and they will serve you well.
Hugs,
Marteen
I learned, in time, to concentrate on MY recovery and discovered that I had no control over her's. It was hard at first but I had to if I was to maintain any sanity, I HAD to concentrate on me and my life. You cannot control the behavior of an addict; you can only control just how much you let their behavior control YOU.
You will get through it and the fact that you have come here just shows that you desire to help yourself. That's a good thing and this is a great place to be. I would never have made it if it had not been for SR.
You are not alone; many of us have been through what you are now going through and what you will be going through. Don't dispair, you will make it. Just gather all the necessary tools for your own recovery tool kit and they will serve you well.
Hugs,
Marteen
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
stephensmom,
I am hoping and praying that where ever he is, he is safe and warm.
Sometimes we just get all wrapped in the worrying and fretting, and it just turns out to be nothing. I hope that's the case here, but we never know do we?
I have no doubt in my mind that your sons H.P. is right alongside him.
Hugs to you, from one mom to another,
I am hoping and praying that where ever he is, he is safe and warm.
Sometimes we just get all wrapped in the worrying and fretting, and it just turns out to be nothing. I hope that's the case here, but we never know do we?
I have no doubt in my mind that your sons H.P. is right alongside him.
Hugs to you, from one mom to another,
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Stephen'sMom,
I just wanted to tell you that I too understand what you are going through from personal experiences. There have been many. These episodes of disappearance with my son were continually different and progressive. Each one was enough different than before that I would start panicking that the worst had happened. I posted here a few times during those episodes. Each time, he eventually came home. He was usually in a worse situation, but these were choices that he made knowing the consequences. He would have all of his stories ready to tell me, that all made sense to him, but certainly not to me and he would be acting like nothing had happened and what was the big deal. I finally learned to expect the same each time and not to try to make any sense of it and then to just breathe a sigh of relief that he was still alive and go on with my own life, the best I could. I know that what is going to happen will happen and I need to try to remain calm and sane or I just may beat my son to the grave or institution. Take care of you and hope for the best for your son. Turn him over to God and rest. What will be, will be.
(((((((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))))))
I just wanted to tell you that I too understand what you are going through from personal experiences. There have been many. These episodes of disappearance with my son were continually different and progressive. Each one was enough different than before that I would start panicking that the worst had happened. I posted here a few times during those episodes. Each time, he eventually came home. He was usually in a worse situation, but these were choices that he made knowing the consequences. He would have all of his stories ready to tell me, that all made sense to him, but certainly not to me and he would be acting like nothing had happened and what was the big deal. I finally learned to expect the same each time and not to try to make any sense of it and then to just breathe a sigh of relief that he was still alive and go on with my own life, the best I could. I know that what is going to happen will happen and I need to try to remain calm and sane or I just may beat my son to the grave or institution. Take care of you and hope for the best for your son. Turn him over to God and rest. What will be, will be.
(((((((((((((((Caring Hugs))))))))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
I don't know what I would do without SR. I can come here and know that someone will relate to what I am going through.
It is hard for people who haven't been in the situation to relate.
I am making the effort to turn my AS over to God. There is nothing I can do in this situation.
I don't know what I would do without SR and my grandchildren to help me maintain my sanity.
Thank you all.
It is hard for people who haven't been in the situation to relate.
I am making the effort to turn my AS over to God. There is nothing I can do in this situation.
I don't know what I would do without SR and my grandchildren to help me maintain my sanity.
Thank you all.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((StephensMom))) I get it - the worry, the fear... actually the terror. I would be exhausted from the terror. When it tapered down to "only" fear, it was only because my body could not sustain that flight or fight mode any longer.
I remember my daughter missing during the middle of winter, in the middle of BFE (acronym that means out in the toolies), with a light coat and a bag of clothes. I called the police in three counties... but because of the weather, they were too busy to help. When one dispatcher finally said she would put out a bulletin, she started to hang up and I asked, "Don't you even want a physical description?" She sighed and took the information - but by then I knew she would do nothing with the information.
What I have discovered since then is that worst night, the night I prayed SO hard for my daughter to be dry, warm and safe... she had hooked up with an old girlfriend, went to the girlfriend's gramma's house, slept in a wonderful bed, awoke to coffee, breakfast and a crackling fire... while I drove all night in an ice storm checking ditches, convenience stores and intersections - bawling my eyes out.
My prayers WERE answered. HP did have her. She was safe. She wasn't clean and sober - that didn't happen for a while, but she was far better off than I ever imagined.
Today, she is sober. And today is all any of us have. So I have to stop projecting what "might be" and stay in today.
My prayers are going up for Stephen, and for all the missing kids, right this minute...
(((((...))))))))
I remember my daughter missing during the middle of winter, in the middle of BFE (acronym that means out in the toolies), with a light coat and a bag of clothes. I called the police in three counties... but because of the weather, they were too busy to help. When one dispatcher finally said she would put out a bulletin, she started to hang up and I asked, "Don't you even want a physical description?" She sighed and took the information - but by then I knew she would do nothing with the information.
What I have discovered since then is that worst night, the night I prayed SO hard for my daughter to be dry, warm and safe... she had hooked up with an old girlfriend, went to the girlfriend's gramma's house, slept in a wonderful bed, awoke to coffee, breakfast and a crackling fire... while I drove all night in an ice storm checking ditches, convenience stores and intersections - bawling my eyes out.
My prayers WERE answered. HP did have her. She was safe. She wasn't clean and sober - that didn't happen for a while, but she was far better off than I ever imagined.
Today, she is sober. And today is all any of us have. So I have to stop projecting what "might be" and stay in today.
My prayers are going up for Stephen, and for all the missing kids, right this minute...
(((((...))))))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Lisa,
Sending you hugs and prayers. Praying that your son will find the right way for him. His HP will keep him as safe as he is meant to be.
Please take care of yourself, and spend as much time as you can with your grandbaby, it will help you through this mess.
Hugs coming from another mom
Sending you hugs and prayers. Praying that your son will find the right way for him. His HP will keep him as safe as he is meant to be.
Please take care of yourself, and spend as much time as you can with your grandbaby, it will help you through this mess.
Hugs coming from another mom
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
