Hevyn

This is my first non-insane Christmas in 7 years. I've spent alot of time feeling sorry for myself as the holidays approached, but today I started thinking in a different direction. As I began to do some BAKING, I remembered how frazzled & panicked I would get over the most simple cookie recipe, complaining & screaming at anyone who got in my way, always a drink with me in the kitchen, I'd be a wreck trying to get it all done. While WRAPPING I remembered waiting too long to get started, confused & disorganized, sometimes not finishing up until 5:00am Christmas morning - therefore guaranteeing a hungover and miserable start to what should be a lovely day. While CLEANING, I remembered always running late preparing for company, drinking the whole time. Once, guests were at the door and there I was, scrubbing the bathtub, still in my robe, red-faced, heart thumping, drink by my side, of course. My main concern that day was to quick grab a bottle from the kitchen before my husband answered the door so I could get dressed in peace, with my "mother's little helper" by my side. I must've looked lovely when I finally emerged to greet everyone - slurry, glassy-eyed, I didn't even remember serving dinner. This was fun? Which brings me to my point. Up until recently I've always tried to recapture the euphoria of my early drinking days, choosing to ignore the hideous things that ended up happening, the hell my life became. Time to stop grieving over the past and be damn thankful that I've lived to sit here, not in chains, and type this message to you: THANK YOU FOR THE DIFFERENCE YOU HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE, EACH IN YOUR OWN WAY. I COULD NEVER HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU THIS PAST 4 MONTHS, AND AM A BETTER ME FOR HAVING KNOWN YOU, SR. Love, Joanie

Jomey

Joanie, That was a beautiful ending to a very honest post. I can so relate to your feelings. I am glad if I was able to make any difference for you. Your post will make my first sober Christmas in a long time even more special. Thank you.

Justme57

Hi Joanie ,
Oh! I SO relate to your post !

My son and DIL would come for Christmas dinner, and I would be watching the clock, "maybe I can just have 2 more beers before they get here, then clean my teeth, and they wont know" Yeah RIGHT!

Like you , trying not to look drunk, slurring, and getting defensive when they told me I was drunk, ect ect . SUCH a great time NOT!

congratulations on your 1st sober Christmas , have a joyous time

HUGX
Leigh

Jersey Nonny

The Way We Were...the movie (Striesand and Redford), the song (by anyone)...so bittersweet. And, weren't a lot of those holidays? When we get on that little pity pot, we tend to forget all the insanity...and, only want to see those memories through rose-colored glasses.

Now that you've jogged my memory (although it wasn't all bad), I remember revising "the list" over and over, as I got behinder and behinder...yelling at my husband and kids like a darned drill sergeant (tipsy one, at that)..."Do this...do that...why hasn't this/or that been done? Didn't I ask you an hour ago...?" And, this was all supposed to be family fun for everyone!?! Maybe that's why my kids haven't carried on the "traditions" I thought I had passed on to them? Maybe all they remember is the drunken chaos leading up to finally sitting down at the table, decorating the tree, opening the gifts, etc.

Think I'll put some seasonal decorations on that pity pot, and hope I don't drag it out again next year! Happy Holidays, Joanie!

Dee74

glad you're here Joanie
first sober Xmas here too...let me know how yours goes

D

lostmdboy

I know how you feel. This year I will be awake to play Santa instead of passed out. I even ate cake w/ my children on there birthday ( 20th) Last year I was so drunk I made up a fight,because I knew I was to drunk.

nogard

Great thread. Yes its so good to be present and so alive.

Kevin

caitlin666

i hear ya hevyn

relating to all of it.......

i was sharing at my AA meeting last night telling them how id already wrapped up the xmas presents.....beautifully may i add

dear god.........last years attempt or lack off still makes me cringe......and as for the dinner.......well that i cant even remember.

so heres to our families having the sober US for christmas....bring it on:day4

kelsh

I remember my first sober Christmas and it was so good to be able to remember what was going on...to put the turkey in the oven sober the first time ever...always drunk by dinner time...before and would wait to eat because then I couldn't drink anymore if I ate very much.

Those days are long gone but it doesn't hurt to remember them once in a while.

Since I am getting older, I get sad feeling at Holidays because so many of our family are gone and the kids have kids and some married too so we are the Grandparents & old folks....Old woman & Old man...my husband and I call each other some times.

Life goes on and we try to be realistic and positive about our aging processes and try to take care of each other as we move from one day to the next...not caring whether it is Monday or Saturday unless we want to watch something special on TV and sometimes we even miss that.

The Way We Were is one of my favorite songs...People Who Need People Are The Luckiest People in the World...this was out when I sobered up the first time in 1970's...Pappa Can You Hear Me? ... from the movie Yentl with Barbara Streisand..she sang all of these songs...and You Don't Bring Me Flowers...I can listen to her singing forever and ever...especially on my portable CD Player...the sounds are so rich...!!

kelsh

Anna

Hi Hevyn,

It is so wonderful to have some perspective about what we were really like when we were drinking. Three years of my life was pretty much a blur, and at the time, I didn't think it was a big deal at all.

scaredykat

Hi Joanie. Great post. Sounds like my Christmas pasts too. There's more then a handful on here that are having their 1st Christmas sober. Myself included.

May we all have a safe, sober, and happy Christmas.

Barb

awake121207

Great thread!

Rather than moping about what I am missing out on tomorrow evening when everyone is drinking, I will focus on what I'm not missing for the first time in over a decade--real Christmas eve memories.

Thanks!

Hevyn

Thank you for your wonderful reaction to my thread. I am so encouraged today - last year going to my in-laws on Christmas Eve resulted in me having a terrible setback (martini placed in front of me and I drank it without a second thought - went on a year-long binge.) This year, same thing - this time I told them no, thanks (with a big smile on my face) I don't drink alcohol anymore. I gave no explanation, and oddly enough no one questioned me or tried to push it - tonight was going to be my big test, and I passed it. Love to you all.

gravity

Thank you Hevyn,

Your strength is so inspiring. I was getting a bit blue but after reading this thread, I am now so grateful just to be sitting at home with my family on Christmas Eve. I really feel blessed.

Have a great Christmas!

awake121207

Hevyn,

Wonderful! Congratulations!

I am at my in-laws, and this thread has helped so much (posting on my phone!). Strangely there is so little drinking compared to last year. Merry Christmas and thanks again!

Jersey Nonny

Maybe we should change the title of this thread to "It Is What It Is", or how about Carly Simon's "These Are The Good Old Days"!?!

Hevyn

Good idea Jersey Girl! I'm so tired of living in the past, filled with regret. I'm even beginning to bore myself....& I can imagine how tired my husband is of the teary eyes & sighs. Time to shed the skin I was in and go forward.

Jersey Nonny

Ahhhh, but then we would negate one of the promises: Will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.

I guess it's OK to open that "door" to the past just a crack once in a while...so we don't forget where we were and "the way we were"...as long as we don't get caught up in the "what ifs"...and, continue to move forward in recovery.