Girlfriend in Rehab...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: MIAMI, FL
Posts: 7
Girlfriend in Rehab...
Hello all...
This is all very new to me...my girlfriend of 8 months, whom I live with in Florida(moved here 1 month ago) has recently returned to New York because she needed to figure out why she wasn't happy...she had a cocaine addiction years ago, but overcame it on her own. After much thought and talking to her mother, she realized she wasn't happy because when she wasn't with me, all she wanted to do was get high or drink, even though she hasn't used cocaine in about a year and is what i would deem a social drinker. She called to tell me she checked into a program which lasted for 5 weeks, initially, and she would be living back at home with her parents in NY during that time. All I want to do is help her recover and tackle her problem, but she was told that she should really just concentrate on herself and spend time with her family and she should not speak to me right now. This is soooo tough. I live in a city where I know no one...she was the only person I knew here...so, I am very lonely which gives me way too much time to think about her and how much I love her and how much i want to help, and I know that when she left for NY, she was completely in love with me as well. While I have no reason to believe that anything has changed on that front, I feel like I am at a loss...I have no idea what she is going through, and my assigned job of staying away for a bit is eating at me like nothing else I have ever dealt with...I do speak with her parents about once a week to see how she is doing...is there anything else that I can do? Is it normal for these programs to tell her to tell me to back off, even when the only reason she hasn’t been using drugs the last 8+ months is because of me...just in need of some advice...thanks for reading
This is all very new to me...my girlfriend of 8 months, whom I live with in Florida(moved here 1 month ago) has recently returned to New York because she needed to figure out why she wasn't happy...she had a cocaine addiction years ago, but overcame it on her own. After much thought and talking to her mother, she realized she wasn't happy because when she wasn't with me, all she wanted to do was get high or drink, even though she hasn't used cocaine in about a year and is what i would deem a social drinker. She called to tell me she checked into a program which lasted for 5 weeks, initially, and she would be living back at home with her parents in NY during that time. All I want to do is help her recover and tackle her problem, but she was told that she should really just concentrate on herself and spend time with her family and she should not speak to me right now. This is soooo tough. I live in a city where I know no one...she was the only person I knew here...so, I am very lonely which gives me way too much time to think about her and how much I love her and how much i want to help, and I know that when she left for NY, she was completely in love with me as well. While I have no reason to believe that anything has changed on that front, I feel like I am at a loss...I have no idea what she is going through, and my assigned job of staying away for a bit is eating at me like nothing else I have ever dealt with...I do speak with her parents about once a week to see how she is doing...is there anything else that I can do? Is it normal for these programs to tell her to tell me to back off, even when the only reason she hasn’t been using drugs the last 8+ months is because of me...just in need of some advice...thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Funky.
Welcome to the recovery forums! It's pretty typical for recovery programs, especially 12 step oriented ones, to advise recoverees not to start new relationships for at least a year. It's not so typical for them to advise terminating a current committed relationship, but I have heard of it.
I know this is really tough on you. The consolation you have is that your girlfriend is seeking help, and with her success comes the possibility of a normal life span that you may be able to spend together. Without recovery you could lose her forever, to the lifestyle or an overdose.
Have you considered looking up an alanon group in your area? Instant company... and you can start learning how to focus on yourself so this separation isn't so hard.
At the top of the page you will see a post titled "alanon power posts". It contains a list of threads that we thought were of particular use for newcomers. One you might look at today is called "How to have fun when You don't feel like having fun" . Just a few of our member's suggestions of ways to start thinking about YOU.
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forums! It's pretty typical for recovery programs, especially 12 step oriented ones, to advise recoverees not to start new relationships for at least a year. It's not so typical for them to advise terminating a current committed relationship, but I have heard of it.
I know this is really tough on you. The consolation you have is that your girlfriend is seeking help, and with her success comes the possibility of a normal life span that you may be able to spend together. Without recovery you could lose her forever, to the lifestyle or an overdose.
Have you considered looking up an alanon group in your area? Instant company... and you can start learning how to focus on yourself so this separation isn't so hard.
At the top of the page you will see a post titled "alanon power posts". It contains a list of threads that we thought were of particular use for newcomers. One you might look at today is called "How to have fun when You don't feel like having fun" . Just a few of our member's suggestions of ways to start thinking about YOU.
Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: MIAMI, FL
Posts: 7
Thanks for the support, Smoke...
I checked out the list of things to do when i don't feel like doing anything(something like that) and they are all really good suggestions...i have been doing some of them...i will definitely try some more...
I do not think my girlfriends program has told her to terminate our relationship, but rather put it on hold until she is done taking care of herself...it all makes a lot of sense to me...
i tend to be fairly opinionated, so by not talking to her, i can't dispute anything she is being told in her program...also, it is really something she needs to address and conquer for herself, and i would not want o be a crutch for her to lean on through the whole thing if, for some reason, one day we went our own ways, she would potentially be back at square 1...so it does all make sense to me, it just kinda sucks...
i am VERY glad she is doing what she is doing....better take care of it now than later or never and have her world come crashing down around her one day...it's the period of waiting that gets to me...i don't know for how long we are not supposed to speak...just lots of uncertainty...
I checked out the list of things to do when i don't feel like doing anything(something like that) and they are all really good suggestions...i have been doing some of them...i will definitely try some more...
I do not think my girlfriends program has told her to terminate our relationship, but rather put it on hold until she is done taking care of herself...it all makes a lot of sense to me...
i tend to be fairly opinionated, so by not talking to her, i can't dispute anything she is being told in her program...also, it is really something she needs to address and conquer for herself, and i would not want o be a crutch for her to lean on through the whole thing if, for some reason, one day we went our own ways, she would potentially be back at square 1...so it does all make sense to me, it just kinda sucks...
i am VERY glad she is doing what she is doing....better take care of it now than later or never and have her world come crashing down around her one day...it's the period of waiting that gets to me...i don't know for how long we are not supposed to speak...just lots of uncertainty...
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Funky,
I wanted to add my welcome and agree with Smoke upstairs. Relationships are highly chaged emotionally and staying away from one is often in the best interest of the addict. I am sure her parents are letting her know you are asking about her.
In the meantime stay busy...you sound like a very sweet guy. You obviously care about her.
Hugs,
JT
I wanted to add my welcome and agree with Smoke upstairs. Relationships are highly chaged emotionally and staying away from one is often in the best interest of the addict. I am sure her parents are letting her know you are asking about her.
In the meantime stay busy...you sound like a very sweet guy. You obviously care about her.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: barbados
Posts: 10
Confused
Hey Funky25...
I can sympathise with your feelings. My girlfriend is in rehab for cocaine abuse and during one of my weekly calls she told me that her counsellor thought it was best if we broke up, cuz recovering addicts need at least a year to focus on themselves without distractions caused by relationship issues. She's in the USA and I'm in the Caribbean..so it's very tough, it's especially hard since I was the one who got her to stop using and to seek help from a reputable rehab clinic. She's getting really homesick, thinking of her life back home, and her counsellor thinks with me out of the way she'll be better...but her family is here as well, so I don't see why I have to go. I've supported her throughout her stay there, sent her care packages and other stuff that she needed....now she tells me that her counsellor says that she has to break it off...I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I'm not the bad guy here but it seems like I'm being punished....I was willing to do anything to help her to get better, little did I know it meant sacrificing our relationship. I read one of the posts earlier ( from 'smoke gets in my eyes' ) and it said that counsellors sometimes advise against starting new relationships[QUOTE][QUOTE]..I can understand that....but to destroy a positive, supportive relationship??..maybe I'm being selfish but I don't agree with that. She's torn up over the idea of us ending but her counsellors have helped her a great deal and she is terrified but determined to follow their instructions to a 'T'.....
I've been to several counselling sessions with her before she went to rehab and the counsellors told her family that she was lucky to have a guy like me who truly loved her for who she is and was genuinely supportive.....this makes me wonder if the counsellors at her chosen rehab centre are just 'following a set rule' to terminate relationships.
I'm supposed to have a talk with her counsellor over the phone so maybe things will work out for the best.
I don't mind the waiting cuz I'l lbe getting back the woman I love and she'll be on a new journey through life... I just thought that I'd be the one standing next to her along the way....
Any advice on what I should do ?? should I just let go or fight for the woman I love?
I can sympathise with your feelings. My girlfriend is in rehab for cocaine abuse and during one of my weekly calls she told me that her counsellor thought it was best if we broke up, cuz recovering addicts need at least a year to focus on themselves without distractions caused by relationship issues. She's in the USA and I'm in the Caribbean..so it's very tough, it's especially hard since I was the one who got her to stop using and to seek help from a reputable rehab clinic. She's getting really homesick, thinking of her life back home, and her counsellor thinks with me out of the way she'll be better...but her family is here as well, so I don't see why I have to go. I've supported her throughout her stay there, sent her care packages and other stuff that she needed....now she tells me that her counsellor says that she has to break it off...I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I'm not the bad guy here but it seems like I'm being punished....I was willing to do anything to help her to get better, little did I know it meant sacrificing our relationship. I read one of the posts earlier ( from 'smoke gets in my eyes' ) and it said that counsellors sometimes advise against starting new relationships[QUOTE][QUOTE]..I can understand that....but to destroy a positive, supportive relationship??..maybe I'm being selfish but I don't agree with that. She's torn up over the idea of us ending but her counsellors have helped her a great deal and she is terrified but determined to follow their instructions to a 'T'.....
I've been to several counselling sessions with her before she went to rehab and the counsellors told her family that she was lucky to have a guy like me who truly loved her for who she is and was genuinely supportive.....this makes me wonder if the counsellors at her chosen rehab centre are just 'following a set rule' to terminate relationships.
I'm supposed to have a talk with her counsellor over the phone so maybe things will work out for the best.
I don't mind the waiting cuz I'l lbe getting back the woman I love and she'll be on a new journey through life... I just thought that I'd be the one standing next to her along the way....
Any advice on what I should do ?? should I just let go or fight for the woman I love?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Funky25--
Welcome to SR.
This struck me in your post:
even when the only reason she hasn’t been using drugs the last 8+ months is because of me...
If only that were true!!!! Then none of us would be here!!!! We as people who love addicts/alcoholics have to work on our own issues of control and it is not easy. We are simply NOT THAT POWERFUL to be able to either:
a. make them stop
b. make them start again or "slip"
The A may invest a lot of energy into making us believe we have that responsiblity because that is a sick twist that comes courtesy of their disease - they blame evryone and all circumstances around them for their misery - this keeps them using and excusing and not facing reality or working a recovery program. And it keeps us jumping through higher and crazier hoops in some demented belief that we have control over something as powerful as addiction!!!!!!
Learn to trust and believe the three C's:
Tou didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
The Rehab's suggestion, although it affects you personally and it causes you emotional pain to not be in contact with the one you love, is just a suggestion - but if the A involved needs to follow it to get sober/healthy....what can you do?? It is not fair, no, but you have to realize this is life or death for the A. Will they be able to maintain sobriety/recovery or will they stay on the rollercoaster of misery and addiction? Counselors often need to get the A to take TOTAL 100% responsibility for their own recovery and if they need to be single to do that then it is in the A's best interest to be single.
Many, many A's believe they can tackle this sh*t on their own (another false promise from their disease). It takes enormous dedication to humbling themselves and following directions for a little while to get sober and begin recovering. Their way obviously does not work. And yet to get an A to step back and follow directions is like, next to impossible!!!
Same with us codies. That's why you will read of many many relationships on here that have been doing the addiction/codie dance for 10, 20, 30+ years. You both play a part. And now YOU have an opportunity to find out how YOU can stop doing the dance that, whether you realize it right now or not, you have been doing. And before you say -- "No no I've done EVERYTHING to HELP this person" I will point to that very statement ("I've done EVERYTHING") as evidence that you need help just as badly as your A!!
I suggest AlAnon or Naranon meetings. Or read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Or some kind of one-on-one counseling. And stick around here and keep reading + posting all you can on SR!! So many wise people here struggling with the same issues you are facing - remember you are not alone and we know how hard and painful this stuff is!!
Hang in there Funky! Starting your own journey of self-growth, focused on YOU and your problems, your dreams, your issues, will keep you in the best possible shape for whatever the future may hold whether it includes a relationship with your GF or not.! (((hugs)))
Peace-
B.
Welcome to SR.
This struck me in your post:
even when the only reason she hasn’t been using drugs the last 8+ months is because of me...
If only that were true!!!! Then none of us would be here!!!! We as people who love addicts/alcoholics have to work on our own issues of control and it is not easy. We are simply NOT THAT POWERFUL to be able to either:
a. make them stop
b. make them start again or "slip"
The A may invest a lot of energy into making us believe we have that responsiblity because that is a sick twist that comes courtesy of their disease - they blame evryone and all circumstances around them for their misery - this keeps them using and excusing and not facing reality or working a recovery program. And it keeps us jumping through higher and crazier hoops in some demented belief that we have control over something as powerful as addiction!!!!!!
Learn to trust and believe the three C's:
Tou didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
The Rehab's suggestion, although it affects you personally and it causes you emotional pain to not be in contact with the one you love, is just a suggestion - but if the A involved needs to follow it to get sober/healthy....what can you do?? It is not fair, no, but you have to realize this is life or death for the A. Will they be able to maintain sobriety/recovery or will they stay on the rollercoaster of misery and addiction? Counselors often need to get the A to take TOTAL 100% responsibility for their own recovery and if they need to be single to do that then it is in the A's best interest to be single.
Many, many A's believe they can tackle this sh*t on their own (another false promise from their disease). It takes enormous dedication to humbling themselves and following directions for a little while to get sober and begin recovering. Their way obviously does not work. And yet to get an A to step back and follow directions is like, next to impossible!!!
Same with us codies. That's why you will read of many many relationships on here that have been doing the addiction/codie dance for 10, 20, 30+ years. You both play a part. And now YOU have an opportunity to find out how YOU can stop doing the dance that, whether you realize it right now or not, you have been doing. And before you say -- "No no I've done EVERYTHING to HELP this person" I will point to that very statement ("I've done EVERYTHING") as evidence that you need help just as badly as your A!!
I suggest AlAnon or Naranon meetings. Or read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Or some kind of one-on-one counseling. And stick around here and keep reading + posting all you can on SR!! So many wise people here struggling with the same issues you are facing - remember you are not alone and we know how hard and painful this stuff is!!
Hang in there Funky! Starting your own journey of self-growth, focused on YOU and your problems, your dreams, your issues, will keep you in the best possible shape for whatever the future may hold whether it includes a relationship with your GF or not.! (((hugs)))
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
The 'no relationship rule' actually came from an AA suggestion to not make any major changes in early recovery....now, some folks think this is silly since they see quitting drinking as a major change; I like to see the suggestion as not to make any changes MAJOR; in other words, don't make mountains out of mole hills.....
Now, back to the 'relationships'.....I agree that a person new to recovery shouldn't get into a new relationship in early recovery, if that's possible. Relationships tend to take a lot out of a person, and a new recovery person needs to work on themselves first and foremost, without having to worry about a new relationship, or the other person in it.
However, I do NOT agree that a person needs to break off any and all relationships they're already in (I mean, they don't ask married folks to divorce their spouses, or parents to gived up their kids to adoption, or to sever all relationships with friends.....do they....?).....unless of course they're really, really new and/or perhaps toxic relationships.....?
Some folks may not like what I've had to say, but I'm just a wee bit tired of hearing about sponsors telling their new sponsees to break off relationships, and NOW it's coming from rehabs.....? Unless there's good reasons to back up these suggestions (ie: too new or toxic), I just see these suggestions as power trips by the sponsors and or rehabs, and NOT AA at all.....Of course all this is just my opinion, for what it's worth, but I had to say something, for my own sanity if nothing else........ (o:
NoelleR
Now, back to the 'relationships'.....I agree that a person new to recovery shouldn't get into a new relationship in early recovery, if that's possible. Relationships tend to take a lot out of a person, and a new recovery person needs to work on themselves first and foremost, without having to worry about a new relationship, or the other person in it.
However, I do NOT agree that a person needs to break off any and all relationships they're already in (I mean, they don't ask married folks to divorce their spouses, or parents to gived up their kids to adoption, or to sever all relationships with friends.....do they....?).....unless of course they're really, really new and/or perhaps toxic relationships.....?
Some folks may not like what I've had to say, but I'm just a wee bit tired of hearing about sponsors telling their new sponsees to break off relationships, and NOW it's coming from rehabs.....? Unless there's good reasons to back up these suggestions (ie: too new or toxic), I just see these suggestions as power trips by the sponsors and or rehabs, and NOT AA at all.....Of course all this is just my opinion, for what it's worth, but I had to say something, for my own sanity if nothing else........ (o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: barbados
Posts: 10
NoelleR....I totally understand where you are coming from and I feel the same way .....but unfortunately I'm not in a position to do anything but watch our relationship be terminated by a person or team of persons who don't know anything about it. My girlfriend says she has told them how supportive I am of the whole rehab effort and I always encourage her to stick with it when she just wants to run away from it and shut down....yet she's been told to let me go....and I can't for the life of me undersrtand why...I don't smoke, not abusive, gave up drinking to support her while she gave up drinking....i'm at a loss.
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