In need of advice--PLEASE!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
In need of advice--PLEASE!
Hello everyone...it's been a while since I posted...the good news is, I am doing much better than last time I was here....however, I am having some trouble again & I am in need of advice
I would very much appreciate any you might have....
Here is my current dilemma...
I was with my ABF for 3 years....some of you may know my story, but here is the shorter version: (Sorry if it's still a little lengthy, but I think I need to explain the story in order to ask the question...)
Things got totally out of control with him over the last few months. His drinking went from rarely or never to a fifth a day or more. He totally changed into a different person...he basically abandoned me in our apartment, was abusive to me in many ways, called me names, totaled his truck, dropped out of school....on top of this, he attempted suicide three times, and went to jail twice for weapons charges, drunk and disorderly conduct, fleeing the police, and some other crap....
Believe it or not, I stuck with him through ALL of this! I visited him in jail, and supported him through rehab, etc...
Well after jail, and a 30 day rehab, we reunited (this was 3 weeks ago). I had since been living with my mom, and have become a lot healthier--I gained a new found love for myself!
So, once ABF and I reunited--I discovered that I still had much anger towards him for all of the horrible things he did and said to me. Plus, he was basically a dry drunk--he was totally withdrawn, he continued to lie to me, and was very manipulative. I told him I needed space....
That same day (and just one week out of his rehab) he ends up getting totally wasted, breaks into his mom's house (which he is no longer allowed inside), and walking around all bloody, he assaults his mom (!!!) She calls 911 (again!) and he goes back to jail (mind you, this all happened the very same DAY that he was sentenced with probation for his previous charges).
Well finally I had had enough. I cried and cried, because I knew it was over. There is NO WAY I am going back with this man....he makes me miserable...I don;t love him any more....and at this point, I am plain afraid of him!
(yay me for finally leaving!!)
My problem is that, since he is in jail, he cannot call me or anything...but he is desperate to get a hold of me. His mom--his dad--his lawyer--each have called me multiple times delivering messages from him. ("I love you" "I miss you" blah blah blah....)
Now, his mom informed me that he has my address and he is going to start to write me letters.... I don't even want to read them--I can already predict what they will say...."Im so sorry, blah blah...."
The thing is, I DO want to have a conversation with him. I mean, we we're together for 3 years--and we had many great times, and I care about him as a human being...I feel like I owe him at least an explanation as to why we must break up....
So, I start writing this letter to him.. (in the beginning I explain I would rather talk in person, but since he is in jail, I guess this letter will have to do). The letter starts off nice--like I am going to "let him down easy", then all of the sudden the letter turns into an explosive rampage of all the horrible things he did and said to me---and how could he be so horrible---and that he treated me like crap---and it goes on and on about his lies, and manipulation and abuse--and how could he expect me to stay with him, etc....etc....etc....
Part of me really wants to send this letter--I want him TO KNOW what he did--and I want him to know how ridiculous it is when he says "I love you" to me, because it means NOTHING! He says he loves me and look how he treats me! Also, when he was in rehab he told me that it was good for me to tell him all the sh*t he did to me because he needed to hear it as part of his recovery. So I thought, well maybe I should send the letter?? Maybe he needs to hear all this stuff??
The other side of me feels really bad....I am thinking, he is probably already SO depressed in jail (especially over Xmas) and this would only make him feel 100 times worse. And I think....."all this anger is my problem anyways-- not his"....so maybe I shouldn't tell him about it. I also think....maybe I should just wait until he is out of jail to talk to him over the phone ?? I just don't know, and I am torn.....
I don't know what to say to him--if anything? Since he is in jail and we have no communication, he is hanging onto the hope that I will still be with him. I feel like I need to tell him asap that it is over--otherwise I am just prolonging his agony. I want him to be able to start to get over "us". But, when I start to write, all that comes out is anger & resentment & pages of me yelling at him.....
Any suggestions?????
Thanks for listening,
Much love XO Stephanie
I would very much appreciate any you might have....
Here is my current dilemma...
I was with my ABF for 3 years....some of you may know my story, but here is the shorter version: (Sorry if it's still a little lengthy, but I think I need to explain the story in order to ask the question...)
Things got totally out of control with him over the last few months. His drinking went from rarely or never to a fifth a day or more. He totally changed into a different person...he basically abandoned me in our apartment, was abusive to me in many ways, called me names, totaled his truck, dropped out of school....on top of this, he attempted suicide three times, and went to jail twice for weapons charges, drunk and disorderly conduct, fleeing the police, and some other crap....
Believe it or not, I stuck with him through ALL of this! I visited him in jail, and supported him through rehab, etc...
Well after jail, and a 30 day rehab, we reunited (this was 3 weeks ago). I had since been living with my mom, and have become a lot healthier--I gained a new found love for myself!
So, once ABF and I reunited--I discovered that I still had much anger towards him for all of the horrible things he did and said to me. Plus, he was basically a dry drunk--he was totally withdrawn, he continued to lie to me, and was very manipulative. I told him I needed space....
That same day (and just one week out of his rehab) he ends up getting totally wasted, breaks into his mom's house (which he is no longer allowed inside), and walking around all bloody, he assaults his mom (!!!) She calls 911 (again!) and he goes back to jail (mind you, this all happened the very same DAY that he was sentenced with probation for his previous charges).
Well finally I had had enough. I cried and cried, because I knew it was over. There is NO WAY I am going back with this man....he makes me miserable...I don;t love him any more....and at this point, I am plain afraid of him!
(yay me for finally leaving!!)
My problem is that, since he is in jail, he cannot call me or anything...but he is desperate to get a hold of me. His mom--his dad--his lawyer--each have called me multiple times delivering messages from him. ("I love you" "I miss you" blah blah blah....)
Now, his mom informed me that he has my address and he is going to start to write me letters.... I don't even want to read them--I can already predict what they will say...."Im so sorry, blah blah...."
The thing is, I DO want to have a conversation with him. I mean, we we're together for 3 years--and we had many great times, and I care about him as a human being...I feel like I owe him at least an explanation as to why we must break up....
So, I start writing this letter to him.. (in the beginning I explain I would rather talk in person, but since he is in jail, I guess this letter will have to do). The letter starts off nice--like I am going to "let him down easy", then all of the sudden the letter turns into an explosive rampage of all the horrible things he did and said to me---and how could he be so horrible---and that he treated me like crap---and it goes on and on about his lies, and manipulation and abuse--and how could he expect me to stay with him, etc....etc....etc....
Part of me really wants to send this letter--I want him TO KNOW what he did--and I want him to know how ridiculous it is when he says "I love you" to me, because it means NOTHING! He says he loves me and look how he treats me! Also, when he was in rehab he told me that it was good for me to tell him all the sh*t he did to me because he needed to hear it as part of his recovery. So I thought, well maybe I should send the letter?? Maybe he needs to hear all this stuff??
The other side of me feels really bad....I am thinking, he is probably already SO depressed in jail (especially over Xmas) and this would only make him feel 100 times worse. And I think....."all this anger is my problem anyways-- not his"....so maybe I shouldn't tell him about it. I also think....maybe I should just wait until he is out of jail to talk to him over the phone ?? I just don't know, and I am torn.....
I don't know what to say to him--if anything? Since he is in jail and we have no communication, he is hanging onto the hope that I will still be with him. I feel like I need to tell him asap that it is over--otherwise I am just prolonging his agony. I want him to be able to start to get over "us". But, when I start to write, all that comes out is anger & resentment & pages of me yelling at him.....
Any suggestions?????
Thanks for listening,
Much love XO Stephanie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Stephanie,
I'm so sorry for all you're going through.
You're right that it's best -- for you AND for him, to be honest with him.
You don't have to go into the gory angry details with him, though you can if you need to....the time for worrying about his feelings was the entire last three years!!! Now it's your turn. It should be enough to say that you do not want to see him any more and that he is not to call or write or pass messages to you, and that you do not want to get back together now or ever.
There is such a thing as "burning one's bridges." He has done this. You didn't do it -- you tried as hard as a superhuman woman. You do not owe him a thing. You owe yourself everything.
PLEASE tell his mom and dad and lawyer that you do NOT want any more messages from him, and you are moving on with your life. That's not at all fair to you. I know it will be hard to break this to them, and to him, but if he's ever going to get on with his life, and if YOU are ever going to find the person you really deserve in this lifetime, you've got to summon up all your courage and make things black and white.
I'm sure you care about him as a human being. We all care about each other. But if you continue to communicate with him, he will continue to have fantasies of getting back together, having you forget every abusive thing he's ever done, and getting on with the business of having you support him while he drinks. You cannot save him from himself just by "being there for him." He will take that the wrong way.
He is an EXTREMELY troubled and dangerous person and can do a lot of damage to you. Please protect yourself. A student at my university was murdered last week by the ex-boyfriend she was too vague with. She "led him on", said he, and now he's in jail for stabbing her 28 times, all because she got on with her life but didn't cut him in on the news. I don't want to frighten you, but he really needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are done, or he will continue to try to squeeze back into your life any way he can. A suicidal alcoholic who assaults his own mom is a grave danger to your life. Choose some other human being to care about, please!!!
Be clear. Be self-protective. Please take care of yourself.
I'm so sorry for all you're going through.
You're right that it's best -- for you AND for him, to be honest with him.
You don't have to go into the gory angry details with him, though you can if you need to....the time for worrying about his feelings was the entire last three years!!! Now it's your turn. It should be enough to say that you do not want to see him any more and that he is not to call or write or pass messages to you, and that you do not want to get back together now or ever.
There is such a thing as "burning one's bridges." He has done this. You didn't do it -- you tried as hard as a superhuman woman. You do not owe him a thing. You owe yourself everything.
PLEASE tell his mom and dad and lawyer that you do NOT want any more messages from him, and you are moving on with your life. That's not at all fair to you. I know it will be hard to break this to them, and to him, but if he's ever going to get on with his life, and if YOU are ever going to find the person you really deserve in this lifetime, you've got to summon up all your courage and make things black and white.
I'm sure you care about him as a human being. We all care about each other. But if you continue to communicate with him, he will continue to have fantasies of getting back together, having you forget every abusive thing he's ever done, and getting on with the business of having you support him while he drinks. You cannot save him from himself just by "being there for him." He will take that the wrong way.
He is an EXTREMELY troubled and dangerous person and can do a lot of damage to you. Please protect yourself. A student at my university was murdered last week by the ex-boyfriend she was too vague with. She "led him on", said he, and now he's in jail for stabbing her 28 times, all because she got on with her life but didn't cut him in on the news. I don't want to frighten you, but he really needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are done, or he will continue to try to squeeze back into your life any way he can. A suicidal alcoholic who assaults his own mom is a grave danger to your life. Choose some other human being to care about, please!!!
Be clear. Be self-protective. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
I am gonna tell you what my therapist said to me..."Stephanie, don't you think you have already given him enough?" The codie in you wants to "let him down easy" while he is assaulting his mom? It is hard, very hard and I am sorry you are going thru this. You can write and write and write down how you feel, it is very good to get it all out. Sit back and reread your post, you sound like a wonderful person. Not one that deserves this. He got himself in prison where it is next to impossible to communicate, it isn't your problem. In fact it will make not communicating with him very easy. Put you first, got to meetings, volunteer to do something to get your mind off the insanity. I really don't mean to be blunt. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Layla2222 
I want him TO KNOW what he did--and I want him to know how ridiculous it is when he says "I love you" to me, because it means NOTHING!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Stephanie,
When it came to the point that I FINALLY GOT IT, meaning, I realized he could do me very serious bodily harm, and, actually might KILL ME as he so calmly told me on our LAST DAY together, a little switch in me clicked.
Getting him to understand what he did to me, how I felt about it, worrying where he would live or anything else pertaining to him no longer mattered to me. Being safe, and doing whatever it took for me to be safe was my only concern. THAT is what I became addicted to, and I tend to think that's a good addiction!
You know he has an abusive past, not only towards himself but others...you, and now his mom. I hope that little switch clicks for you, soon, and that you do what is safest for you!
When it came to the point that I FINALLY GOT IT, meaning, I realized he could do me very serious bodily harm, and, actually might KILL ME as he so calmly told me on our LAST DAY together, a little switch in me clicked.
Getting him to understand what he did to me, how I felt about it, worrying where he would live or anything else pertaining to him no longer mattered to me. Being safe, and doing whatever it took for me to be safe was my only concern. THAT is what I became addicted to, and I tend to think that's a good addiction!
You know he has an abusive past, not only towards himself but others...you, and now his mom. I hope that little switch clicks for you, soon, and that you do what is safest for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Thank you everyone.....I get the best insights here from all of you guys.....thank you for being here & sharing w/ me:ghug
I never thought I would ever have to fear him.....but I do. I am afraid he is sitting in jail obsessing over me......I don't know what to say or how.....
I've never broken up with someone before....I have been praying to God to find the right words I need to say to him, and to give me the right opportunity to say it...
Thank you all again XO
I never thought I would ever have to fear him.....but I do. I am afraid he is sitting in jail obsessing over me......I don't know what to say or how.....
I've never broken up with someone before....I have been praying to God to find the right words I need to say to him, and to give me the right opportunity to say it...
Thank you all again XO
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Layla, he already knows the horrible things he has done to you.......telling him might make you feel better but the reason he does them is still there. Alcohol. Alcoholics use booze to fill a hole and medicate themselves that's why dry drunks are so horrible to be around. Aside from the physical addition they are miserable because the hole is an open wound while sober. Eventually they either need to figure out why they have a hole and how to fill it or the disease will kill them. So, you can tell him, and that's okay if it makes you fell better because you have a right to tell him but the words themselves won't change him or fill his hole.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
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