nandm

My thoughts today have been on change. So I thought it would be good to hear your experiences with change. It doesn't matter if you have 1 day or 50years of not drinking/using. Everyone has experienced change. You never know when your experience may help someone else.

Here are my thoughts on it.

What change was I looking for when I sought to stop drinking?

To be totally honest, I had tried stopping drinking many times in the past, even went for a year without it. But I knew that for me that was not enough as I was still insane during those dry periods. I knew that being dry was not enough that what I was really looking to change was how I felt about life, about myself, about the world. To stop the pain, frustration, desperation, loneliness, and unmanageability in my life. When life sh** happened my head would automatically go to how unfair life was. I desperately wanted to feel like I was not a failure, that I was ok, that I was good enough. Because no matter how well I did something my head would never allow me to see it as done well, it always saw it as not done good enough.

How have I changed since I stopped drinking/using?

My life has changed significantly since I stopped drinking. Although life sh** still happens as it does in anyone's life, I no longer view that as anything more than just life sh**, nothing more, nothing less.
My life no longer centers around when and where I will get my next drink. I no longer worry about whether a party I am going to is going to have alcohol. If they do they do and if they don't that's ok too. I no longer have that obsessive fear of not knowing where my next drink would take me. No more blackouts, brown outs (kind of remember enough to know I made a fool out of myself again), or mornings that I come to, stumble to the bathroom to throw up, try to keep some food and water down, load up on the tylenol, and pray that I can leave work early. Or just come to and call in sick.
I finally understand the word peace/serenity because I have had periods of both.
I no longer live my life in a vain attempt to be what I think others believe I should be. I am comfortable in my own skin. It no longer sucks to be me.
I accept my imperfections as part of my humanity.
I accept others imperfections as part of their humanity.
I no longer feel alone in a roomful of people. Even in a room of people I do not know.
When I have a problem, my mind does not obsess about it. I can take a breath, step away, talk with others and hear their opinions, and find a solution.
I am able to be emotionally available to the people in my life. I do not feel the overwhelming desire to run when faced with emotions. I'm still not a real huggy person but who know's what changes are around the next corner.
Today I am grateful for the life.
Today I am able to do the things I was only able to dream about while drinking.
Today, my friends and family can trust me. They know that I am willing to take and will take responsibility for my actions.
Today I am able to reach my hand out to help others.
There are so many other things, too many to completely list here. I guess the biggest one of all is today I feel gratitude for the life I have been given back through not drinking.

What changes would I like to see in me for the future?
Increased:
growth.
learning
understanding
compassion
gratitude
love of life

Thanks for sharing.

Rowan

Hey J,

Thanks for sharing - that was awesome and I could relate to so much of it.

I want to give this topic some thought and come back later and post my thoughts on it.

nandm

My thanks button isn't working. So THANKS!

Look forward to hearing your perspective.

Anna

Oh Judith, I can totally relate to the distorted thinking that you talked about. I was anxious and depressed for years before I started drinking and my thinking was so off. One thing that really stands out is that I felt so unappreciated and unloved by my family. I felt it was so unfair that I did so much for them and got so little in return. After my depression was treated and I stopped drinking, I pulled out a box of old birthday cards/kids school stuff, etc. and started looking through it and I was absolutely shocked. There was card after card of loving, warm thoughts from my kids and husband and I realized at that moment that I had not seen it. I didn't feel worthy of their love and so I didn't see it. It was a hugely sad moment of loss, but also one of gratitude for what I have now.

nandm

THANKS!

Buttons broken...but wanted to be sure you know I appreciate you.

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

What change was I looking for when I sought to stop drinking?

Actually, (and honestly), I was looking to reconcile with my husband of 22 years...he had already quit drinking, was going to AA meetings, and living with another woman. But, stubborn alcoholic that I was/am, I was determined to "get him back"...don't know what I planned on doing with her...hadn't planned that far ahead.

So, I started going to Al-Anon meetings...to better understand "his problem". A nephew who had several sober years took me to some AA meetings, too. Lo and behold, I started identifying more with those in AA than in Al-Anon, and I decided to quit drinking myself. Long story short...I wound up in detox, thence to AA meetings.

Quote:

How have I changed since I stopped drinking/using?

Well, I never did reconcile with my husband...matter of fact, I was granted a divorce on my 90th day of sobriety. It used to make me nervous when I would hear folks in AA say something to the effect that, if you were there for any reason but yourself, your chances of staying sober were slim. Because I knew, in my heart, I had originally quit drinking because of him...I may have stopped because of him...but, I stayed because of myself.

The biggest change in sobriety was learning to be alone without feeling lonely...my husband was gone...the kids were grown...my social life (in the bars) was out of the question. I had to make a life for myself...not to look to others for my happiness. So, I set about fulfilling life-long goals...achieving a college degree...making a couple of trips to Europe...retiring from a 27-year job...all the while staying sober through lots of AA meetings.

Quote:

What changes would I like to see in me for the future?

Now that I'm wheelchair-bound in a nursing home, I need to accept my life as it is...not as I hoped it would be, or as I wish it could be. It isn't always that easy...especially around the holidays (like right now)...I miss my family gatherings...I miss all the AA functions that I know are being held at my old meetings. I must try to participate in the activities offered here, maintain a sense of humor, and keep from stagnating mentally...which is one of the reasons I'm so grateful to be a part of the Sober Recovery community. In some small way, I want to try and give back to the Newcomers by sharing my ESH wherever possible.

nandm

THANKS!

Just wanted to say thank you. It was nice having the opportunity to get to know more of your story. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. You are an asset to SR. Glad you are here.

nogard

My brother used to say; All Change, Change is the constant in life.

I have just started a new thread which is about change so... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rry-dance.html

Kevin

nandm

You know what they say...."Great minds think alike." .....LOL

RK2007

What can I say? Truly inspirational story... :beerchug:

nandm

I loved Jersey's story too.
Isn't it great getting to know these things about each other?

scaredykat

Wow, good topic nandm.

Change has always been hard for me. I have never liked change of any kind. This year i had to do something. My drinking took me to being a isolated drunk at home that wouldn't go anywhere hardly, unless i had too.

I still don't like change, but i know if i don't change things in my life I'll be right back where I started. I don't want to live that way any more.

I like what my sponsor told me about "life on life's terms". I don't like that either, but it makes sense. Living one day at a time and talking to my HP has changed my life for the better.

Barb

mikel60

That was a great post nandm. Feelings of insecurity and not being good enough ruled my life and still creep up occasionally. That has changed. Sobriety, or more accurately, recovery has made it possible for wonderful things to happen in my life. Posts like yours bring it home just how similar we all are and what an incredible impact recovery can have. My life has changed beyond recognition. I'm no longer the scared kid in the corner that has to drink just to stammer out hello. Thanks for reminding me what a miracle recovery is and we all are.
Mike

Dee74

What change was I looking for when I sought to stop drinking?

I'd spent so many years just existing - not even drinking bought me 'alive' again at the end...so I wanted a life back - at the time I reasoned if it wasn't better than what I had I could always go back...

How have I changed since I stopped drinking/using?
LOL. have we enough room ?

How does a child grow into a man - because that's what's happened to me really. I no longer fear things or avoid things or excuse things like I used to...I've become a better and far more rounded human being.

I certainly wasn't expecting any of the wonderful things I've gained - I got my life back but it was one I couldn't have dreamed of or wished for when I was a drunk.


What changes would I like to see in me for the future?
may I always continue to try to be the best me I can and may I be always equipped to deal with whatever life brings me, good and bad.

Thanks for this topic Judith

stone

Awesome thread, gonna have a think and come back to it.

mikel60

"may I always continue to try to be the best me I can and may I be always equipped to deal with whatever life brings me, good and bad."

That's it, Dee. You nailed it.
Mike

indigo

Great thread J that's got me thinking (again) today.

nandm

I had to read that twice. I first read it as gonna have a DRINK and come back to it. Made my heart jump. Glad it was THINK. Have a great day. Thanks for think not drink (unless of course it is your morning coffee...lol)

Hevyn

Nandm, thanks for the food for thought - a wonderful bit of reflection to take with us into the new year we're about to enter.

Justme57

Good Morning Judith!

Great to see you again Rae !

Well, change ?

I was terrified of ANY change when I was drinking, change in roster, change in weather , anything that upset the fine balance of what I percieved as my "manegeable" life LOL

The further away I get from my last drink, the more I can recognise the change in me. I only see it in retrospect , and then I realise it has happened without me knowing

I remember hearing an older member share @ a meeting , that "AA stands for Altered Attitudes", I thought , yeah Right! it's OK for you , but , now I realise since doing the steps , and applying them to situations in my life, that my attitudes have done a full 180 degrees.

The BB states that " we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us". How I yearned for THAT change!!! it has come about , in part. Only by appying the steps to my thinking. I used to be a definite "glass half empty" person . by default, but my default settings have changed . Not to say that all is sweetness and light, and I often have to "self talk" to achieve different thinking, but at least I have the TOOLS and the choice to do that .

I was the biggest lump of self pity , and misery known to man, but that also has changed .I have really no idea where it went , or when it changed, but I highly suspect it has to do with "working my programme"

External change still throws me, and causes my head to "go off", but I have learned to accept it, think it thru , we have had huge changes at work, Roster changes , management changes, and industrial action, all of which upset my safe little life LOL

I had to change my regular meetings, forego some AA functions which I had attended every year for the last 4, change my shopping day, just everything , but by applying my AA tools, and uping my meetings I am getting there

It is the "Inside Me " changes which have enriched my life, and they are so precious

Thank God for the programme of AA

HUGX
Leigh