New here and trying to detach from AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 16
New here and trying to detach from AH
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this board although I've been lurking a little. It has been reading this forum that's finally made the penny drop for me that YES MY HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Wow I can't believe it's taken me 16 years to figure that out. He's what you would call a functioning alcoholic, so I guess maybe that's why I didn't see our relationship problems for what they were for so long. It's a relief to know I'm not crazy.
We've had some talks about separating. He started it and when I said "good idea" he back-pedaled mightily. He came home just now feeling sorry for himself going on about how no-one in the entire world loves him and I didn't say one single word. He tried so hard to wheedle that ILY out of me but I wouldn't do it. Neither did I say I didn't love him. I'm pleased with myself for hanging tough. If he hears me say it it means everything's OK and he can carry on drinking. Well everything's not OK. Maybe I do love him and maybe I don't, I don't know anymore. But he's not hearing it until he starts to take steps towards his own recovery. Maybe not even then if I can get to the truth inside me of whether I do or not.
I'm new to this board although I've been lurking a little. It has been reading this forum that's finally made the penny drop for me that YES MY HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Wow I can't believe it's taken me 16 years to figure that out. He's what you would call a functioning alcoholic, so I guess maybe that's why I didn't see our relationship problems for what they were for so long. It's a relief to know I'm not crazy.
We've had some talks about separating. He started it and when I said "good idea" he back-pedaled mightily. He came home just now feeling sorry for himself going on about how no-one in the entire world loves him and I didn't say one single word. He tried so hard to wheedle that ILY out of me but I wouldn't do it. Neither did I say I didn't love him. I'm pleased with myself for hanging tough. If he hears me say it it means everything's OK and he can carry on drinking. Well everything's not OK. Maybe I do love him and maybe I don't, I don't know anymore. But he's not hearing it until he starts to take steps towards his own recovery. Maybe not even then if I can get to the truth inside me of whether I do or not.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Hello and welcome. Have you read the stickies on the top of the forum? They contain posts that members here have found particularly useful. The alcoholic in my life was my boyfriend. I was so angry and confused when I first joined the forum. What helped me was attending Alanon and daily participation on this forum.
I'm sure others will be along soon to share their stories. Looking foward to getting to know you.
I'm sure others will be along soon to share their stories. Looking foward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 7
Welcome to SR. It took me 21 years to finally accept my husband was an alcoholic.
You should feel very proud of yourself. I know how difficult it can be to stand your ground - I have caved in more times than I care to admit and told him what he wanted to hear so that he could go to sleep thinking all was right in his world, while I lay there in bed hating myself for being so weak.
I've also had the whole "no-one gives a s*** about me" thrown at me this week. Through this forum I can now see the manipulation dripping from those words and I refuse to rise to the bait. I told him to stop acting like a baby and be an adult for a change.
Keep reading and posting. Knowledge truly is empowering.
You should feel very proud of yourself. I know how difficult it can be to stand your ground - I have caved in more times than I care to admit and told him what he wanted to hear so that he could go to sleep thinking all was right in his world, while I lay there in bed hating myself for being so weak.
I've also had the whole "no-one gives a s*** about me" thrown at me this week. Through this forum I can now see the manipulation dripping from those words and I refuse to rise to the bait. I told him to stop acting like a baby and be an adult for a change.
Keep reading and posting. Knowledge truly is empowering.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Glad you're here with us BF. You're in a good place and I hope we can be of help and support to you. So he's throwing a pity party. Yeah, I've heard many variations on the theme of nobody-loves-poor, poor pitiful me more times than I care to remember.
Not getting sucked into the drama and learning to take care of yourself is basically what it's all about. As a rule (although there certainly are exceptions ...), it seems as if the A's in our lives will make a lot of noise about leaving but they never actually get around to doing it. In fact, they frequently pop back into our lives when we least expect it!
Again, welcome!
Not getting sucked into the drama and learning to take care of yourself is basically what it's all about. As a rule (although there certainly are exceptions ...), it seems as if the A's in our lives will make a lot of noise about leaving but they never actually get around to doing it. In fact, they frequently pop back into our lives when we least expect it!
Again, welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 16
Hi FD, Vixen and Prodigal. It's so nice to get your replies. I've been to alanon for the first time last week. I won't go this week because I have too much Christmas stuff to do but I am definitely going back. It's wonderful to be here and to be with friends at alanon who actually understand the shape of what I'm dealing with. Other friends have offered advice along the way, either of a the heartless variety (before I was admitting he was A) that just said "he's d!cked you around enough - leave" which was fair enough but not understanding of the incredible feats of manipulation an A is capable of. Or else helping me examine what I've done to contribute -which is also fair enough but only makes sense in a R where both partners live on the same planet.
I have this picture in my mind now of the alcoholism as a wasting disease of the legs. My AH has leant on me for support "ouch my legs are hurting, give me your shoulder to lean on", but now I've stepped away and he's writhing about on the floor. But there's no other way he's going to get back up and learn to walk for himself. Cruel to be kind - that is so true. So when he's standing there screaming at me for being so horrible to him I just need to think of that and remind myself that I really am being kind.
I have this picture in my mind now of the alcoholism as a wasting disease of the legs. My AH has leant on me for support "ouch my legs are hurting, give me your shoulder to lean on", but now I've stepped away and he's writhing about on the floor. But there's no other way he's going to get back up and learn to walk for himself. Cruel to be kind - that is so true. So when he's standing there screaming at me for being so horrible to him I just need to think of that and remind myself that I really am being kind.
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