Update
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Update
Happy Holidays to all.
Once again Holidays pass without my son being with us. When they first go away, it is very difficult; however, as time passes, and they get settled in somewhere (a fire camp in my son's case) you just go on with your life.
Actually, he will be coming home next October and, to tell you the truth, I'm not looking forward to that day. Why they have to parole him here is something that I'll never understand. He was hoping to parole to a live-in program, but his couselor said there aren't any programs in this area. He tried to get permission to go into a different area, but they turned that down. Reason they say is it's a law you must be paroled in the county the crime was committed; otherwise they say the county is "dumping" their inmates.
I called the parole board myself just to see if I was getting correct information.
In the meantime, he looks and acts wonderful. He is in a beautiful camp in the redwoods about 1-1/2 hours from here. Mr. Dev and I visit him maybe once a month. Our visits have been very pleasant. He has his sense of humor back and he looks better than I've seen him in many years. He is looking forward to coming back and, of course, has all good intentions.
He turned 45 in November and it scares me to death to think how much time he has wasted being incarcerated.
I have it set up so he can call 6 times a month; however, he usually calls 4 times or less a month. Hmmm? Maybe he doesn't need, or can't use Mom anymore and he knows it.
Last I wrote I told you about my grandaughter, his first born, who contacted me. She is 19 and has a child born in May. I knew something was up when the phone rang at like 1:30 am.
We talked for a while and it was like de ju vu. Shades of her father, only with a child. I returned her call first thing in the AM and, of course, she wasn't available. Called a few more times and finally gave up. She then returns my call. To make a long story short, she was looking for money as the boyfriend was in jail and she was evicted. Well, been there done that, so naturally I said no. No because this would only be a temporary fix, and she really needed permanent fix. She had to go all of a sudden.
Didn't hear back for a few weeks. Next time she called she told me she had moved with Mom and Mom kicked her and baby out. Then she moved with Grandma, and Grandma kicked her and baby out. She needed money for formula. Without lecturing I gave her names of places to find help. She seemed interested but didn't hear back for several weeks.
The next time she called it was asking if I could send her money for a lawyer, as everyone was trying to take her baby away. I asked if she had checked with any of the places I told her about. She changed the subject. She said it was her Dad's fault because he wasn't there for her. I agreed with her and, in fact, she said in a letter from Dad he agreed to.
I told her she could continue to blame him and continue to go from pillar to post OR she could start seeking out permanent help. I said I would not be sending money because it would only be a temporary fix and what she need was a permanent fix. She obviously didn't want to hear what I said so she hung up.
She called again about two weeks later telling me she had a permanent address where I could send things. Hmmmm?
Just so happened that John called and I told him about her permanent address. He said, "do not send anything there as she probably will never get it. If you want to send anything, send it to her Grandmother's address."
He no sooner hung up and she called to tell me she had been kicked out of that place. I said she needed to take a long look at what she might be doing wrong, since she gets kicked out of all these places. I told her I sent her and baby a gift card for Xmas and told her she could pick it up at her randma's house. She said, "I need money to get there!" I told her I had faith in her finding a way. She hung up.
I haven't heard back from her again. I keep hoping that one day I will hear from her and it will be good news for a change. I'm not stressing over this situation because I know there is nothing I can do that will change anything.
My son said there isn't anything he can do to help her either, but hoped when he got out he might be able to help her then. Who know what God has planned for the three of them. Maybe this will be the turning point for him seeing his grandchild out in the street.
Now, you want to really laugh?? He said "Mom whatever you do, do not send her any money, as it will only prolong her bottom!" I told him I did not intend to send her any money, but thanks for the advice.
Anyway that's it. I know one thing, her Mom sure isn't a CODIE! I cannot imagine kicking her out with a baby! At least keep the child.
I won't allow myself to even think about any "what if's" because there isn't one thing I can do to change anything here until she's ready for change.
Just praying I did the right thing!
Hugs to you all, Devastated
Once again Holidays pass without my son being with us. When they first go away, it is very difficult; however, as time passes, and they get settled in somewhere (a fire camp in my son's case) you just go on with your life.
Actually, he will be coming home next October and, to tell you the truth, I'm not looking forward to that day. Why they have to parole him here is something that I'll never understand. He was hoping to parole to a live-in program, but his couselor said there aren't any programs in this area. He tried to get permission to go into a different area, but they turned that down. Reason they say is it's a law you must be paroled in the county the crime was committed; otherwise they say the county is "dumping" their inmates.
I called the parole board myself just to see if I was getting correct information.
In the meantime, he looks and acts wonderful. He is in a beautiful camp in the redwoods about 1-1/2 hours from here. Mr. Dev and I visit him maybe once a month. Our visits have been very pleasant. He has his sense of humor back and he looks better than I've seen him in many years. He is looking forward to coming back and, of course, has all good intentions.
He turned 45 in November and it scares me to death to think how much time he has wasted being incarcerated.
I have it set up so he can call 6 times a month; however, he usually calls 4 times or less a month. Hmmm? Maybe he doesn't need, or can't use Mom anymore and he knows it.
Last I wrote I told you about my grandaughter, his first born, who contacted me. She is 19 and has a child born in May. I knew something was up when the phone rang at like 1:30 am.
We talked for a while and it was like de ju vu. Shades of her father, only with a child. I returned her call first thing in the AM and, of course, she wasn't available. Called a few more times and finally gave up. She then returns my call. To make a long story short, she was looking for money as the boyfriend was in jail and she was evicted. Well, been there done that, so naturally I said no. No because this would only be a temporary fix, and she really needed permanent fix. She had to go all of a sudden.
Didn't hear back for a few weeks. Next time she called she told me she had moved with Mom and Mom kicked her and baby out. Then she moved with Grandma, and Grandma kicked her and baby out. She needed money for formula. Without lecturing I gave her names of places to find help. She seemed interested but didn't hear back for several weeks.
The next time she called it was asking if I could send her money for a lawyer, as everyone was trying to take her baby away. I asked if she had checked with any of the places I told her about. She changed the subject. She said it was her Dad's fault because he wasn't there for her. I agreed with her and, in fact, she said in a letter from Dad he agreed to.
I told her she could continue to blame him and continue to go from pillar to post OR she could start seeking out permanent help. I said I would not be sending money because it would only be a temporary fix and what she need was a permanent fix. She obviously didn't want to hear what I said so she hung up.
She called again about two weeks later telling me she had a permanent address where I could send things. Hmmmm?
Just so happened that John called and I told him about her permanent address. He said, "do not send anything there as she probably will never get it. If you want to send anything, send it to her Grandmother's address."
He no sooner hung up and she called to tell me she had been kicked out of that place. I said she needed to take a long look at what she might be doing wrong, since she gets kicked out of all these places. I told her I sent her and baby a gift card for Xmas and told her she could pick it up at her randma's house. She said, "I need money to get there!" I told her I had faith in her finding a way. She hung up.
I haven't heard back from her again. I keep hoping that one day I will hear from her and it will be good news for a change. I'm not stressing over this situation because I know there is nothing I can do that will change anything.
My son said there isn't anything he can do to help her either, but hoped when he got out he might be able to help her then. Who know what God has planned for the three of them. Maybe this will be the turning point for him seeing his grandchild out in the street.
Now, you want to really laugh?? He said "Mom whatever you do, do not send her any money, as it will only prolong her bottom!" I told him I did not intend to send her any money, but thanks for the advice.
Anyway that's it. I know one thing, her Mom sure isn't a CODIE! I cannot imagine kicking her out with a baby! At least keep the child.
I won't allow myself to even think about any "what if's" because there isn't one thing I can do to change anything here until she's ready for change.
Just praying I did the right thing!
Hugs to you all, Devastated
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
ah Dev,
You sound wonderful! Sure wish you would come visit more often, you have so much recovery to share. You do, you know. I remember when we both started here,and we were both "up to here" with Codependence. Funny how we can change our lives, and truly, be happy people even considering the hoodlum sons we have..well, I have...I can't speak for yours....
Like you, I also worry about my oldest, he is 34, and just released last March from jail, but may be going back...for some unknown reason the coppers were bugging his phone, and thought they heard a drug deal go down...so lo and behold, he has to go to court...again.
Which is a darn shame cause he has a good job now.
Oh, well, I'll just turn it over to God, and be on my merry way.
It's his job, not mine.
Glad to hear from you, Dev...
Miss ya...
Hugs, and hugs,
P.S. How's Mr. Dev doing? Still spoiling you rotten?
You sound wonderful! Sure wish you would come visit more often, you have so much recovery to share. You do, you know. I remember when we both started here,and we were both "up to here" with Codependence. Funny how we can change our lives, and truly, be happy people even considering the hoodlum sons we have..well, I have...I can't speak for yours....
Like you, I also worry about my oldest, he is 34, and just released last March from jail, but may be going back...for some unknown reason the coppers were bugging his phone, and thought they heard a drug deal go down...so lo and behold, he has to go to court...again.
Which is a darn shame cause he has a good job now.
Oh, well, I'll just turn it over to God, and be on my merry way.
It's his job, not mine.
Glad to hear from you, Dev...
Miss ya...
Hugs, and hugs,
P.S. How's Mr. Dev doing? Still spoiling you rotten?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Dev, Isn't it funny how the shoe is on the other foot now with your son. Sounds like he has a bit of recovery under his belt too. Hope that your granddaughter finds help for her and her child. You are doing the best thing that you can for her by not giving her money but giving her options to help herself. Hopefully she will accept help for herself and her baby. Have a Merry Christmas. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((((Dev)))))))
So glad to hear from you...You sure do have tons of recovery to share. Sorry to hear about your granddaughter, but you're right...who knows what HP has in store. I hope you and Mr Dev have a wonderful Christmas!! Hugs
So glad to hear from you...You sure do have tons of recovery to share. Sorry to hear about your granddaughter, but you're right...who knows what HP has in store. I hope you and Mr Dev have a wonderful Christmas!! Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Dev))) I was away most of today and missed you here, but I am sending big Christmas hugs to you and Mr. Dev....from his foxy Canadian lady. 
Good lord, my heart jumped when I ready about your granddaughter. I kept thinking (as I read) "pleeeeze Dev, don't get fished in." And of course, you didn't because you are wiser and your recovery is just shining!!!
Like Moose, I remember the early days here for all of us and it just wasn't pretty. Well, it was kind of funny (we sure had some great laughs), but I know what a mess I was back then. Did you ever think that we really might "get it" one day?
I remember how taken aback we once were with phone calls like you got. And now it just gets old...new voice but same story, same requests, same anger and hanging up when they don't get their way.
We've come a long way, baby!!! And I sure am glad to have had you walking beside me all the way.
Merry Christmas, Dev, and keep coming back, we love to hear from you.
Hugs
Good lord, my heart jumped when I ready about your granddaughter. I kept thinking (as I read) "pleeeeze Dev, don't get fished in." And of course, you didn't because you are wiser and your recovery is just shining!!!
Like Moose, I remember the early days here for all of us and it just wasn't pretty. Well, it was kind of funny (we sure had some great laughs), but I know what a mess I was back then. Did you ever think that we really might "get it" one day?
I remember how taken aback we once were with phone calls like you got. And now it just gets old...new voice but same story, same requests, same anger and hanging up when they don't get their way.
We've come a long way, baby!!! And I sure am glad to have had you walking beside me all the way.
Merry Christmas, Dev, and keep coming back, we love to hear from you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
good to hear from you. you know you did the right thing. maybe one day she will call just to say hello & for you to meet her. i hope she gets it together. i am glad to hear your son is doing good for now. i hope this is his miracle.(yours too.) take care of you & let us hear from you.have a very merry christmas. hugs & prayers, hope
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
God bless the Grandma's even more than the moms. My mom also gets to go thru it twice (once with me and my addiction and now again with my AD, her grandaughter.) But , like you, her experience came in handy and my AD knows grandma isn't taking any wooden nickels. Speaking for myself, I'm grateful my AD does not have any babies. I don't know if I could bear it having to go thru this again in 15 or 20 years.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
Oh, it was so nice hearing from you all. I do miss being here. Thanks for remembering me. I just don't know where the time goes anymore. Mr. Dev and I keep so busy these days.
I must say I am enjoying being "free" from chaos and worry. Damn, it's about time. Shoot, who in their right mind is still under stress at age 67??
Nope, I'm done with all of that.
I have two very close friends who are going through this right now. Actually, three are. One of them just got the news that her son is going back to prison for 2-1/2 years. In Arizona no less! We all know about Joe Apaci, the warden there right?
Ah, Moose, I'm so sorry about your son. I thought it was against the law to bug a phone. Oh, maybe not for the law though. That's a damn shame. Why can't they see he has a good job and think of some other type of punishment other than prison! Makes me furious 'cause it serves no purpose! Let's pray that our worse fears do not come true in his case! You know how many times we worry and in the end it all works out.
Oh, yes, and by the way, Mr. Dev is still spoiling me. He thinks I'm the cat's meow, you know. God forbid if he ever has those cataracts removed!! LOL
My sister says I am so spoiled all I have to do is breath. This is true. You know I never thought of it, but maybe Mr. Dev has alziemers!! You know what I mean?? Because he still thinks I'm the cat's meow! YIPES, he must be a sick man.
Ann, we certainly did have a lot of good laughs didn't we. Remember when my son had no place to live and he said maybe he could live in the storage unit? Oh, my goodness! Of course the thread count is always good for a laugh. Oh, yes, and the prison wedding, remember that one? How about my calling the warden in San Quentin every two hours?? I still can't believe I had the nerve to do that one. I still remember my son writing me to relay a message from the warden...that was "please do not call here anymore!" LOL
WHY?? I remember what a sad day that was when I had to remove WARDEN from my speed dial. LOL
Mr. Dev says "you still hear from the "fukzy" lady? Love that one!
Thanks to all for remembering me and Mr. Dev. Hope, Marle, Greeteachday, Sleepygoat, Elana (such a pretty name, not that Sleepygoat isn't!) and CarolD. Hope your Holidays are full of peace!
Hugs, Devastated
I must say I am enjoying being "free" from chaos and worry. Damn, it's about time. Shoot, who in their right mind is still under stress at age 67??
Nope, I'm done with all of that.
I have two very close friends who are going through this right now. Actually, three are. One of them just got the news that her son is going back to prison for 2-1/2 years. In Arizona no less! We all know about Joe Apaci, the warden there right?
Ah, Moose, I'm so sorry about your son. I thought it was against the law to bug a phone. Oh, maybe not for the law though. That's a damn shame. Why can't they see he has a good job and think of some other type of punishment other than prison! Makes me furious 'cause it serves no purpose! Let's pray that our worse fears do not come true in his case! You know how many times we worry and in the end it all works out.
Oh, yes, and by the way, Mr. Dev is still spoiling me. He thinks I'm the cat's meow, you know. God forbid if he ever has those cataracts removed!! LOL
My sister says I am so spoiled all I have to do is breath. This is true. You know I never thought of it, but maybe Mr. Dev has alziemers!! You know what I mean?? Because he still thinks I'm the cat's meow! YIPES, he must be a sick man.
Ann, we certainly did have a lot of good laughs didn't we. Remember when my son had no place to live and he said maybe he could live in the storage unit? Oh, my goodness! Of course the thread count is always good for a laugh. Oh, yes, and the prison wedding, remember that one? How about my calling the warden in San Quentin every two hours?? I still can't believe I had the nerve to do that one. I still remember my son writing me to relay a message from the warden...that was "please do not call here anymore!" LOL
WHY?? I remember what a sad day that was when I had to remove WARDEN from my speed dial. LOL
Mr. Dev says "you still hear from the "fukzy" lady? Love that one!
Thanks to all for remembering me and Mr. Dev. Hope, Marle, Greeteachday, Sleepygoat, Elana (such a pretty name, not that Sleepygoat isn't!) and CarolD. Hope your Holidays are full of peace!
Hugs, Devastated
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((Dev)))))))))
Ditto to all the love sent to you from previous posters.
You are extremely missed here and we welcome your wisdom,
whenever you come in to share.
So glad your gd wasn't able to bamboozle you. Guess she's
surprised that grandma don't play like that anymore.
Just wanted to add my prayers, love, and Christmas wishes,
to you and Mr. Dev.
Ditto to all the love sent to you from previous posters.
You are extremely missed here and we welcome your wisdom,
whenever you come in to share.
So glad your gd wasn't able to bamboozle you. Guess she's
surprised that grandma don't play like that anymore.
Just wanted to add my prayers, love, and Christmas wishes,
to you and Mr. Dev.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: CA.
Posts: 4
Dev!
I come by to read once in awhile and I always look for you .. and here you were tonight.
We came here at the same time and we were both in the same place..codie villa! Those were very dark days with my AD and if it weren't for the people here I'm not sure that I ever would have figured any of it out.
O' how many times I came here crying only to find myself laughing ..I had forgotten about the Warden, makes me laugh all over again.
I think of you so often and it is wonderful to hear that you and Mr. Dev are doing well.
My daughter is doing pretty good right now as far as I know. It seemed once I learned to let go she figured out she had to stand on her own and that has helped her. The years of abuse show but I know that she is trying her best and doing one day at a time.
My very best to you and know that I think of you often.
Scooter
I come by to read once in awhile and I always look for you .. and here you were tonight.
We came here at the same time and we were both in the same place..codie villa! Those were very dark days with my AD and if it weren't for the people here I'm not sure that I ever would have figured any of it out.
O' how many times I came here crying only to find myself laughing ..I had forgotten about the Warden, makes me laugh all over again.
I think of you so often and it is wonderful to hear that you and Mr. Dev are doing well.
My daughter is doing pretty good right now as far as I know. It seemed once I learned to let go she figured out she had to stand on her own and that has helped her. The years of abuse show but I know that she is trying her best and doing one day at a time.
My very best to you and know that I think of you often.
Scooter
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
Thank you Spiritual Seeker. Stick around here and you will be forced to find strength 'cause if you don't, you're liable to get a taste of the "steel-toed bunny slippers!" YIPES, I still have marks all over my body from those slippers.
Hello Scooter. Oh yes how I remember coming to this site, crying my eyes out, and being just a short-putt from the edge. Then the wonderful people here would write back and give me such hope and strength and courage to move forward that I would feel renewed once again. Love those people! They all know who they are, right Ann?
My favorite sentence in the whole world is when Mr. Dev says "dun't you worry, I take care of everything!" or when the ladies would say "things will get better, trust me!"
So I did, and they were right.
Hugs, Devastated
Hello Scooter. Oh yes how I remember coming to this site, crying my eyes out, and being just a short-putt from the edge. Then the wonderful people here would write back and give me such hope and strength and courage to move forward that I would feel renewed once again. Love those people! They all know who they are, right Ann?
My favorite sentence in the whole world is when Mr. Dev says "dun't you worry, I take care of everything!" or when the ladies would say "things will get better, trust me!"
So I did, and they were right.
Hugs, Devastated
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Dev)))
So good to hear from you....
And oh, my goodness, is your recovery SHINING!!! Oh, I have to put on my sunglasses, it's so bright in here!!! LOL!
You've come a long way, baby...
Haven't we all.
My thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family. :ghug:
Shalom!
So good to hear from you....
And oh, my goodness, is your recovery SHINING!!! Oh, I have to put on my sunglasses, it's so bright in here!!! LOL!
You've come a long way, baby...
Haven't we all.
My thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family. :ghug:
Shalom!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dev I still have my supply of prison wedding dresses...not for the brides but for us "visitors", just so we fit right in and don't look too conspicuous...
Dibs on the slinky number in the middle....slinky becomes me.
Dibs on the slinky number in the middle....slinky becomes me.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Ann
I cannot believe you found more BEAUTIFUL wedding dresses. I don't know about having dibs on the one in the middle, because SLINKY REALLY BECOMES ME TOO!
Oh, I know they are the visitor's dresses because the bride will probably wear something like earth-tone or dirt color. OOPS, rented lips, sorry!
What do you think, History, do you have a favorite here?
Hugs & Merry Christmas
Devastated, Mr. Dev, Gino & Kelsey (kitties)
Oh, I know they are the visitor's dresses because the bride will probably wear something like earth-tone or dirt color. OOPS, rented lips, sorry!
What do you think, History, do you have a favorite here?
Hugs & Merry Christmas
Devastated, Mr. Dev, Gino & Kelsey (kitties)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi ((((((((((( Dev)))))))))
You probably wont remember me, but I too went looking for you when I logged in, I used to read your old posts with wonder !
I wish happiness, peace and Joy , to you and Mr Dev ,
HUGX
Leigh
You probably wont remember me, but I too went looking for you when I logged in, I used to read your old posts with wonder !
I wish happiness, peace and Joy , to you and Mr Dev ,
HUGX
Leigh
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