Ok..I give..I surrender!!!!!!!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Ok..I give..I surrender!!!!!!!
Yes you saw right. I surrender.
The white flag is flying high!!
I am just so freakin tired. So drained. And so beat.
You all and everyone else have been telling me for months to stop being so head strong and thinking I can do it my way.
But I had to try and be the exception.
There are no exceptions in addiction.
I have been going full force for the past 3 or 4 weeks.
I am in a hole that is going to be very hard to get out of.
But thank goodness I am not too deep.
I still have my family. If I keep going the way I am. I wont even have them.
Yes including my grams.
Not only am I a selfish addict.
I am oblivious to how it effects the people around me.
Or I act like I dont care.
I am an arrogant , selfish, mean, going nowhere loser right now.
And I am going to admit it right here to all of you.
I treat my grams like crap. I am always critisizing her on everything. Being bitchy and demanding. Like a spoiled little brat.
I am 32 dam years old and act like a child!
I love that woman more than anything in this world. I would kill someone for looking at her wrong. But yet I treat her worse than anyone.
I am pitiful right now. But this is not me. It isnt who I want to be anymore.
I truely am sick and tired of this life style.
I need help and I cant do it "My way".
I need help and it cant be on my terms.
I need someone to slap the crap out of me and say "Look you spoiled little $hit! You dont know it all. And it isnt going to work otherwise."
Truth is I dont know anything except how to be a lazy spoiled drug addict.
With that said. And most of you already knew this.
I just had to come out and say it myself!
I can not do this my way or alone!!!!
After Christmas I am going into treatment and staying there and doing it ....Their way!!
I welcome all responses...Good and bad. Just please be gentle.
I need hear it all.
2008 is going to be my year of new things. My life will begin.
The white flag is flying high!!
I am just so freakin tired. So drained. And so beat.
You all and everyone else have been telling me for months to stop being so head strong and thinking I can do it my way.
But I had to try and be the exception.
There are no exceptions in addiction.
I have been going full force for the past 3 or 4 weeks.
I am in a hole that is going to be very hard to get out of.
But thank goodness I am not too deep.
I still have my family. If I keep going the way I am. I wont even have them.
Yes including my grams.
Not only am I a selfish addict.
I am oblivious to how it effects the people around me.
Or I act like I dont care.
I am an arrogant , selfish, mean, going nowhere loser right now.
And I am going to admit it right here to all of you.
I treat my grams like crap. I am always critisizing her on everything. Being bitchy and demanding. Like a spoiled little brat.
I am 32 dam years old and act like a child!
I love that woman more than anything in this world. I would kill someone for looking at her wrong. But yet I treat her worse than anyone.
I am pitiful right now. But this is not me. It isnt who I want to be anymore.
I truely am sick and tired of this life style.
I need help and I cant do it "My way".
I need help and it cant be on my terms.
I need someone to slap the crap out of me and say "Look you spoiled little $hit! You dont know it all. And it isnt going to work otherwise."
Truth is I dont know anything except how to be a lazy spoiled drug addict.
With that said. And most of you already knew this.
I just had to come out and say it myself!
I can not do this my way or alone!!!!
After Christmas I am going into treatment and staying there and doing it ....Their way!!
I welcome all responses...Good and bad. Just please be gentle.
I need hear it all.
2008 is going to be my year of new things. My life will begin.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chiy))))
You aren't a loser, you're not pitiful, you're not hopeless - you're an addict.
I was hard-headed, selfish, put my family thru he!!, and wouldn't listen to anyone. We don't get help until we get to the point where you are now. It took my relapse to feel, deep in my soul, that I just couldn't do that anymore.
I know it's cliche' but the old saying "it takes what it takes to get to where are" sums it up for me. I couldn't go into recovery until I was beaten down enough.
Throwing up the white flag is not a sign of weakness...it's a sign of strength. Admitting when we need help is one of the hardest things to do (at least it was for me), but it's not any different than going to a dr. when we're sick, or taking our car to a mechanic when it's broke.
I, too, am grateful you're ready to surrender. 2008 CAN be your year!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You aren't a loser, you're not pitiful, you're not hopeless - you're an addict.
I was hard-headed, selfish, put my family thru he!!, and wouldn't listen to anyone. We don't get help until we get to the point where you are now. It took my relapse to feel, deep in my soul, that I just couldn't do that anymore.
I know it's cliche' but the old saying "it takes what it takes to get to where are" sums it up for me. I couldn't go into recovery until I was beaten down enough.
Throwing up the white flag is not a sign of weakness...it's a sign of strength. Admitting when we need help is one of the hardest things to do (at least it was for me), but it's not any different than going to a dr. when we're sick, or taking our car to a mechanic when it's broke.
I, too, am grateful you're ready to surrender. 2008 CAN be your year!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 213
Hey...remember me?
Hey- Awhile back you posted some of the most helpful and insightful stuff to me when I was struggling....maybe I can return the favor. I know exactly where you're at emotionally and every other kind of way....last Sat. I leapt off an ER bed in the throes of a benzo/alcohol psychosis and ren screaming into the night ...literally.....yet now I'm on Day 4. I've lost so much...it hurts so much...I know.....the feelings...the guilt/shame/remorse....I know....Listen, I'm at work I'll write more later
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
We SURRENDER TO WIN. On the face of it, surrendering certainly does not seem like winning. But it is in AA/NA Only after we have come to the end of our rope, hit a stone wall in some aspect of our lives beyond which we can go no further; only when we hit “bottom” in despair and surrender, can we accomplish sobriety which we could never accomplish before. We must, and we do, surrender in order to win.
Do not live in your past, do not project the future:
YESTERDAY--TODAY--TOMORROW
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said...YESTERDAY is gone.
------------------
The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.
TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW for it is yet unborn.
-----------------
This leaves only one day.... TODAY. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities.... YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW that we break down.
It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad-- it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.
LET US, THEREFORE, LIVE
BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME! ! !
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said...YESTERDAY is gone.
------------------
The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.
TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW for it is yet unborn.
-----------------
This leaves only one day.... TODAY. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities.... YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW that we break down.
It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad-- it is remorse and bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.
LET US, THEREFORE, LIVE
BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME! ! !
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,518
This is for you, Chiy
In honor of your new beginning, a poem I love - the language used in the poem is outdated, but it was written in the early 1900's.
THE STRUCTURE
Upon the wreckage of thy yesterday
Design thy structure of tomorrow
Lay strong cornerstones of purpose, and prepare
Great blocks of wisdom cut from past despair
Shape mighty pillars of resolve, to set
Deep in the tear-wet mortar of regret
Work on with patience, though thy toil be slow
Yet day by day the edifice shall grow
Believe in God, but in thine own self believe
All that thou hast desired,
Thou shalt yet achieve
THE STRUCTURE
Upon the wreckage of thy yesterday
Design thy structure of tomorrow
Lay strong cornerstones of purpose, and prepare
Great blocks of wisdom cut from past despair
Shape mighty pillars of resolve, to set
Deep in the tear-wet mortar of regret
Work on with patience, though thy toil be slow
Yet day by day the edifice shall grow
Believe in God, but in thine own self believe
All that thou hast desired,
Thou shalt yet achieve
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Good for you Chiy. I look forward to hearing all about your success.
Surrendering is the second step, after admitting you have a problem.
My best advice is to seek out The Steps, and the people who know how to work them, and ask them to share their experience, strength and hope with you, that you may also recover as they have.
I think you know exactly which group of people I refer to
I, for one, surrender DAILY, and do not consider it a weakness, but rather, just another thing that needs to be DONE in order to stay well.
Surrendering is the second step, after admitting you have a problem.
My best advice is to seek out The Steps, and the people who know how to work them, and ask them to share their experience, strength and hope with you, that you may also recover as they have.
I think you know exactly which group of people I refer to
I, for one, surrender DAILY, and do not consider it a weakness, but rather, just another thing that needs to be DONE in order to stay well.
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