Abundance

My guy is going out tonight with the supplier and another friend that does oxys. I'm actually in quite a state of shock... it's messing with my head! I do feel badly about him losing his friends... cause I know they are very close... but dude.. why put yourself in the ring of fire? Is he that much in denial? I'm not happy about it... I made it quite apparent. His comeback is ... if I was doing something wrong then I would have lied completely about it. I wouldn't tell you I was going out with them! He said he was going to check in to make me feel better, but I told him not to bother... to just have a good time... and i'll call when I go to bed. That is so annoying in itself... him calling to check in... and then at the same time.... he'll have all this freedom and the free pass to just get wasted tonight! I'm just sick about it.... I really am!

Abundance

He was so down and depressed yesterday.... I was at work talking with him about it on the phone... just not knowing what to do with work and how to make money etc. He can't stand his living situation - he has 2 room mates in their mid 20s. He is 30 and I'm 34.

I have had this conversation with him for 18 months. He uses (I would say used, but after tonight.... ?) pills to make him feel better about himself. It gives him energy... for work mainly - and then to just be able to get out of bed some mornings. I've said that is the cycle.. get high, come down, depression - get high, come down and over and over again.

I am looking down at this right now as I'm typing and just feeling so broken away from him... Who in their right mind would deal with this crap? I truly feel that I must not be in my right mind! He thinks that codies blame the addicts in our life for our issues! THAT is NOT TRUE. But I do wonder about how it happens.... it's my understanding that we are codie before they come into our lives... and that it is this natural law of attraction. It's like we are magnets for these souls.

Tonight... it makes me not care if I hurt him emotionally... just so he knows how much this is hurting me..... I just want to get back at him. I know that is totally unhealthy, but him doing drugs isn't either! Not for me is it okay. And my way of getting back at him is totally harmless, but in his paranoia he would make it out to be so much worse! IE... having friends (and unfortunately they are male)... come over and hang out. He says that is disrespectful and that it makes him really worry. I wouldn't do anything wrong, but locally, the only single friends I have are male.... and he really doesn't like that. I'm not bothered by them really, I spend the majority of my time with them talking about relationships in their life and/or my relationship with my guy!

I really needed to vent... I have to change my mind up and carry on with what I had planned for this evening... nothing fun ... just the daily life of an adult! Which I feel he has no concept about! No... he has ideals... but he doesn't really know about long term goals and putting them into practice.

Why can I not be just this total B!TCH? I love him... that is why! Materialism doesn't matter to me... it's the morals and values and honesty ~ authenticity in a relationship that matters to me!

And today he was throwing up with extreme nausea... and now he's going out to the bar with them??? WTF???????

He is meant to be coming down for the holidays on Sunday... I'm just like wow... this is absolutely pathetic! All of it... and it is all on me! I can either think this is okay or I can completely detach! This loving from a distance.... long distance makes it even harder. But then again, I guess a bit easier, cause it's not like he is leaving us at home here and going out! Ya know?

I'm a mess.......

Abundance

Text message just came in stating he is having one drink and then going home... and that his friend asked him first thing how many days he has been clean.

I think he is full of sh!t! I'm sorry, but I do.

*Edit... new one came in stating he was taking the supplier friend home and then he is going home.

He was out for about an hour. The supplier is aka "peg legged pete"... he has a leg injury and is missing a foot... so he often drives him places. In this case it was to go out ... well.. I asked him... are you bringing the two together to make an exchange and he said no... that is not what is going on! I really don't understand it ... he is taking this guy home after a drink.... why did this even have to happen? It leaves so much room for questions. I am glad he told me.. and that he is saying that he is being honest, but I really don't know if I can trust it!

I swear... this is like a movie where you are staring at the screen telling the girl to just leave and move on! DUH!

Abundance

Requesting some enlightenment........... I have to do so much stuff tonight and I'm wrapped up in this! THIS ... for THIS reason... my spending an hour going over this... is precious time I will never get back! I'm so sick of it!

hundow08

gee you sound so pissed. weird how we can allow people to make us so angry. at times like these i stop what i am doing and breath deep in with the good out with the bad.. do that till you feel better and be done with him tonite. like do what ever work you gotta do or something that is your fav, tune him out. focus on you! sorry i dont have any words of wisdom like some of these guys but i am sure they will come around soon

Abundance

thanks hundow... yeah.... I do... i get so angry. I don't scream or anything, but inside I am screaming. I just feel as though I am being made a fool.

Impurrfect

((((Abundance))))

He is going to do what he's going to do....whether or not you agree, get upset, or give up on him. I know you know this in your head, but it takes a while longer for the heart to get the message.

As long as you let how you feel depend on what he is/isn't doing, you are going to be going through this. Try to figure out what you would be doing right now if he wasn't even in the picture...then do it. Whether he's calling you and checking in, it doesn't really matter because you don't know if he's telling the truth.

Sorry I can't make it all better for you...I would if I could. But sometimes we have to put ourselves through this enough times to get to the point that we ACCEPT that nothing we do/say is going to change whether or not he uses.

I'm a recovering addict and left my boyfriend behind because he was still using. I still love him, miss him, but I finally realized that what I want from life and what he wants are totally incompatible. I felt like I was banging my head against the wall, trying to figure out a way we could make it work. He lies as easily as he breathes, and if he was clean for a year, I still don't know that I could trust him. It took a while, but I finally had to let him go for MY sanity.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

Thanks Amy... I'm going to test myself... how many minutes I can go w/out wondering and thinking about him and my relationship! And if it comes into my mind... I'm going to poof! ~ push it out of my mind! It's sad really to not be thinking blissfully and joyously about all the good things and what have to look forward to! Instead it's this.... and the next phone call is going to be nutty.

Okay... so here goes!!! No more thinking about it!

Thanks guys for reading my rambles.... (not thinking about it )... this place is healing!

I'm going to tidy up a bit around here, and make out the shopping list for my shopping outing tomorrow! Do a bit of work... and fold laundry! Oh... and a bit of home office work. SEE.... I don't have time for this monkey business!!! (Still not thinking about it !!! *wink.... really I'm not!

Exhale ..........

Impurrfect

(((abundance)))

Trust me, I know how hard it is. The first step is to realize that you're doing it (obsessing), then you find what works best for you to NOT do it. It takes a lot of practice, but you eventually realize that it's working.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

Thank you Amy ... you are a wise one! I think instead of me rationalizing how far my sanity is gone.... I need to just get sane and stay focused on my life! MY life right now is me and my boys. If he is able to contribute in the sense of making me even a better person than I am now and able to be an equal in the sense of dreams and ambitions... then I can be around him. Once again, it would be my not compromising in his eyes, but I feel that I have compromised a lot of myself in this relationship..... It's not fault to him , I take ownership for allowing myself to do so.

He got home tonight and his stories were all off mark... he ended up going back to the dealers house (he is says is more than a dealer, he is a friend, and he wasn't his main source... whatever)... well he ended up there and then he went home. I asked him to send a picture to me of him.... he did and his eyes are pinhole sized pupils. He was really just so annoyed with me that I was doing this... he went on and on about reasons why they are like that, lighting, smoking pot... etc... and check this out... I read him this on the internet from wiki- answers ...
.
Smoking marijuana usually doesn't effect a person's pupils. It would moreso constrict a person's pupils than dilate them. People might confuse this question for the wrong answer because a lot of them time drug users smoke marijuana as well with their drugs.. Dilated pupils affiliated with marijuana smoking cause be the cause of the smoker doing other drugs such as LSD or cocaine. Constricted pupils however could be a sign the smoker was using opiates or other drugs, but marijuana itself shouldn't give much of a difference.

I told him that I wanted him to drug test tomorrow and send me the results. His dad asked him if he was doing drugs.. he didn't even ask if...he asked what ones have you bee doing. So his world is turning upside down. He denied his problem ... and went and hung with his oxy buddy. Hmmmmmm ... how is that for actions of earning trust? Well anyway... I said.. fine... you are clean... so do the drug test and you can also show your dad you are clean! Thinking now that was probably not the right advice, it should have been that he comes clean to this dad. Anyway... he asked how my attitude would be towards him while waiting for the results... and told him that as soon as he does the test tomorrow... it will innocent until proven guilty. He told me that the consequences I will be paying for this will much outweigh the questioning... because when it comes back negative... he's going to say GO FVCK yourself. Well... I'm not falling into all of this. Just writing this all out you guys... it's so healing cause I get to see what has become of my life. This is all about choice... I am making the conscious choice to have myself in this situation... it truly pisses me off. I am going to write out a plan and some goals that pertain to me and to me and the boys... and I'm going to focus and own them! I can't do that when I"m worrying about him... I am going to take care of myself.... I'm going to have to detach and wait for the proof by action on his part!

THis is giving me a headache.......... it's nearly 4am... and I've been up trying to put all of this together. He did send me a text message that was suicidal ... and it scared the living day lights out of me..... I saw it about 20 minutes after it was sent and I did not know how to handle that. I replied back that I called his parents... (i didn't)... but he wrote back right away angry with me for notifying his folks... well... I told him he needs to talk with them about it ... all I could think when he responded was... He's ALIVE! So at that point... I didn't respond to the last couple... which is his concern about me calling his parents. I was put in a life/death situation... that is too much for me to handle... that totally pushed me over the edge.

I am co-dependent to the tee... and I'm going to reverse this... I'm fed up... I'm going to stop living my life for my boyfriends/lovers.... he even nailed it tonight when he said that I do hang out with druggies... I fall in love with them.... and that I must be really dumb for them to be able to do it without me knowing.... I mean with all your snooping and fbi work ... how would they be able to pull it over you... OH what... they lied and you fell for it... please... are you really not that smart to stay with someone who lies to you? WOW... he just put it right there ... he TOLD ME... what I know I have been doing...........

I'm DONE!

GiveLove

Abundance,

I see you doing so many of the things I used to do.....the things we ALL do when our codependency and our habitual damaging patterns rule our lives.

Have you thought about treating yourself to a few sessions with a counselor/therapist who is experienced in codependency? I do believe that saved my life. This will all drive you right out of your mind if you don't do an intervention on YOURSELF and stop letting yourself get pulled into every single second of his life. The stress and emotions are going to make you very sick if they haven't already, and it isn't worth it. I did the exact same things you were doing last night, all the time, and had no idea how to stop doing them. It helps, it really does.

Deep breath. YOU can only control YOU.

Hoping you are better today

GL

Impurrfect

(((abundance)))

This is the reason I am taking a break from men...I've only had 3 serious relationships, but in everyone one of them, there was a drug or alcohol (or both) involved.

My XABF sounds like yours...he knew he could lie and I would take it. I told him once "I don't want to be with someone I can't trust" and he said "well, you better find someone else" and I STILL stayed with him! Although MY addiction played a part in this (he was my using buddy), it was still MORE codie behavior.

Givelove's got good advice...a counselor who is knowledgeable about codependence can help a lot. I couldn't afford one, but luckily I have a couple people in my life who are very NOT codependent and I come here to SR.

As far as the drug test....this is just my opinion. Even if it did turn out clean, which I doubt, so what? Does that excuse his behavior last night? Does that mean he won't go out and use today AFTER the test? Not trying to be hard....just realistic. I AM a recovering addict and I know exactly how long I need to be clean to take a pee test and pass. In my using days, I could take a test and go right back out and use.

And as far as him threatening suicide. I know this scares the living daylights out of you, but he is trying to manipulate you. He will make you feel like it's all up to YOU to "help" him get/stay clean. Now that you've been coming here, you know that's not right. He is the ONLY one who can make that choice. I would tell him if he does that again, I will call 911 and let him deal with the consequences.

You're actually making progress, even if you don't feel like it. I had to get really sick and tired of the rollercoast and drama before I could take any steps at changing me...both as an addict AND a codie.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Abundance

Thank you Amy and GL...... I feel like I am very much so in recovery. It helps so much just to write it all down... and be authentic with myself. And then get witnesses from you here that this is all really happening. I look at my issues in this relationship comparing to what so many of you all are going through, and I just have this long distance relationship with a wanna be functioning addict.

I don't really believe you can function on snorting oxy's and be okay.........

GiveLove - I don't have medical insurance, and not enough money for counseling ....... but I think that is a good idea. I am doing an intervention on myself by coming here... just airing it all out... and showing myself the dysfunction.

Amy ... thank you for saying that I'm making progress. I am being more aware of my situation and not just brushing it under the carpet. I agree about the drug test..... what is the point? He can falsify it anyway. It just seems like the easy answer... if he hasn't used then prove it! You are right about the actions...

On a different note..... my sister just called me... she is an un-medicated schizophrenic and opiate addict. She just called and told me she needs to see me today, to spend time with me. this is the most sincere she has sounded in a long time.... she did stay the night a few nights ago..... and she really opened up to me what is going on in her mind and with the voices..... but she thinks she is normal. I told the family I am committed to helping her over the holidays - so she isn't alone. I pretty much have this situation under control w/ my codie ways -... and we are going to figure out as a family what the next step is (right now my bro is paying for her living expenses)....... and I have so much to do! Literally you guys and my parents... are the biggest helpers in my life right now!

Thank you ...............

Elana

I am going to wade in here because it looks to me like there is hope. Yes. HOPE.. For YOU.

You can't afford counseling? Get Thee Hence to an alanon and or Naranon meeting. You will learn a LOT. Get the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie.. it is available on line USED for a fraction of the cost of new.

Now, I will tell you how I fixed my life. My XABF moved OUT. I wept and wailed and came here and thought about him and what ever I could have done wrong. I did not know he was an addict until I found the stuff as he was moving.

THEN I found out he was cheating. Man.. the drugs made me done and the fact that I could have lost my home, my job and my freedom made me done. But I wept and wailed anyhow..
And then I found out about the cheating. I felt dirty and violated and USED and I was so angry.. I am still angry with him and his behavior and I cut off ALL contact and prayed every night he would DIE.

And then I decided I was important and I started taking care of ME. Period. Me FIRST. Yuppers.

Today I can say, over one year later, that I know I will NEVER have another addict in my life. Not a recovering addict or an active addict. I take care of me. I am happy single. I don't NEED anyone.

I also can say that without completely stopping ALL CONTACT I never would ahve been able to take the focus off him and put it on me and my life and what I want.

Some can stay in a relationship and detach. I cannot.

I don't know if these words help you but staying in the rage you are in and the hurt you are in will not change him but it WILL hurt you.

Abundance

Elana.... this does help thank you. I am not one of those people that can stay in a relationship and detach either. All or nothing is who I am. How I end up in relationships with addicts is beyond me.... I find out later after my heart has fallen.

I'm not going to contact him.... I am so tired of the lies, and then the feeling of not trusting him. I am so mixed up - but I figure there has to be hope. I am so mad still... he thinks I'm mean... I am mean... I'm in an extremely dysfunctional relationship.... that is my coping mechanism. Not at all saying that is right, in fact I'm pretty ashamed, that I don't turn the other cheek and not be affected by his actions.

I'm going to miss so much good... but I'm not going to miss questioning whether he is lying or if he is high or coming off drugs. I tried for so long to detach ... and "love from a distance"... but it's not in me.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories... and giving support.

hope213

i can understand your concern. it is all about people,places & things. he is not intentionly going to do anything wrong but the drug is a powerful thing. let go & let God.prayers,

Stellargirl

ABUNDANCE!
Okay after reading everyone else, I realize my sentiments may be a little late but I will share still, ok.
You have got to get out of this situation!!! For you sanity, and your boys!!!
You have got to be strong and move on. This guy is an addict and A MESS! In turn you are becoming a mess. Can you move away? I know what you mean about your heart falling and then finding out they are an addict, that was my situation. So, we need to ask ourselves how are we allowing this to happen? By not knowing the guy well enough before we get intimate and then getting emotionally attached? That was my case anyway. From now on, I will do things different. I hope you can get your hands on the a codependency book or two, they are helping me lots.

You have got to get away from him! Threatening suicide? Are you effing kidding me?
You have children to consider! I know you care and love them and you are an example of what a relationship is, if all they see is Mommy obesessing and giving in repeatedly to her addict guy then this is what they will do too! You have to choose the best thing to do for YOU.

LET HIM GO! SAVE YOURSELF!

Abundance

Hope and SG.... thank you (((BIG hug)))... thank you again

Well... he lives a couple of hours away from me.... so I don't have to worry about moving. I'm not in a position to move anyway... I have a mortgage, and now is not the greatest time to sell. Plus... I really love my home.... my parents are down the street and are my babysitters while I'm working.

I have tried to leave him so many times, but he sweet talks me and I fall right back into it. Well finally... due to my mean character and not trusting him and accusing him of using just cause he is still spending time with the user community....... he is now DONE! Thank the flipping Lord! I haven't heard from him since yesterdays text message which he agrees it is over. So... I have that working towards me!

I'm going through the anger motions right now in the withdrawal from my addiction, which is our relationship. I'm keeping very busy though... which I know is key in my recovery....... spending time with family and friends.

It's a shame that is over the holidays, but he is Jewish, so he isn't too bummed by it.... but for me... I'm glad that I don't have to worry if he his high at the family functions!

I'm so done...... DONE!

Now I just have to be careful on who I let into my life... I do have a pattern with choosing the closet druggies. This is going to be a challenge in itself.... you wanna date? Okay... pee here first! LOL! j/k

I have my boys... and I have me ... and in rearing these boys... they need to also have a role model... and not see me detaching from our world to worry about someone else's problems!

I'm going to keep coming here to stay strong.... I know this is not going to be so easy... it's still so early. I stood by him for a couple of weeks while he was going through the w/ds and getting off that sh!t... all the while wondering when the lies and asking to use again was going to come back. Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore! He clearly is not ready to stop using... and doesn't see it as a problem...... Ummmm... 5K in less than 3 months being spent on Oxy's.... yes that is a major problem!

Okay... going to take the boys to see their cousin perform in a hip hop version of the nut cracker.

God Bless you all! I'm so grateful for all of the support. I truly am!

rayofsunshine

You are doing good, Abundance. Just stay strong... when's he's tired from
the using community, your phone will probably ring again and the sweet
words will start to flow. Remember to "play the tape all the way through"
when you hear all the promises that have never come true.

Miss Pink

why not try recovery, Abundance?

Have you gone to alanon or naranon?