Need help from divorced parents--splitting Christmas
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Need help from divorced parents--splitting Christmas
Hello everyone! I need feedback from those who are divorced and have children. My soon to be ex and his fiance have decided to remain in town for Christmas. We are all very civil to each other for the benefit of my 3 year old daughter. STBX husband is a wonderful cook and suggested that he can cook dinner for all, meaning me, our daughter, AND his fiance--no other family or friends would be present to buff
. The more I think of it, the more I am weirded out. I mean, we ARE friendly to each other, but the thought of just the three of us (plus daughter) in my house without any other people is just too strange! Geez, we are not THAT chummy, you know?
How do you guys split Christmas day so the child spends time with both Mom and Dad? Thank you, thank you all!
. The more I think of it, the more I am weirded out. I mean, we ARE friendly to each other, but the thought of just the three of us (plus daughter) in my house without any other people is just too strange! Geez, we are not THAT chummy, you know? How do you guys split Christmas day so the child spends time with both Mom and Dad? Thank you, thank you all!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I divorced my sons' father when they were 7 and 3. Right from the start we split Christmas time with the boys being with me on Christmas Eve and their dad on Christmas day. After a few years it changed to alternating years. The boys saw it as normal, it never caused them problems. It was hard the first Christmas they weren't with me at all but I also got used to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Sorry an'ka...I am not in that situation as of yet...but I am thinking it is all about your comfort level...if you are feeling uncomfortable with it I wouldn't push it and make yourself unhappy or feeling any extra stress. It may be too early for you to try it if you feel that way. Kudos to you for keeping it friendly...that is truly amazing!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Another thing, the kids wake up at one parent's house and can then go over to the others for part of the day. Kids are amazingly adapable. Heck my seemed to see it as having 2 Christmases.
I would not have felt comfortable sharing any holiday with my ex and his wife. I am reasonable civil/friendly with them now (we've been divorced 16 years) but still not willing to spend my holidays with them. I certainly would not have been comfortable back when it was all new.
I would not have felt comfortable sharing any holiday with my ex and his wife. I am reasonable civil/friendly with them now (we've been divorced 16 years) but still not willing to spend my holidays with them. I certainly would not have been comfortable back when it was all new.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Well, I am glad there are other people who are not at each other's throats after splitting up. My friends and co-workers think I am insane because my STBX and I talk pretty much every day, mostly about our daughter. He has been sober for months and is finally getting to know and spend time with our 3 year old. He has a fiance, whom I've met and actually like. What I am having difficulty with, however, is knowing when to not be so dang friendly. I mean, having Christmas dinner with him and his girlfriend at my house--just them and my daughter--is bizarre. My boundaries are all blurred...
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
My ex and I have long had a cordial relationship for our boys' sake. Being together at public events was one thing ... the few times we were at each other's homes felt awkward.
My ex always had the boys Christmas Eve morning and did their Christmas then. It worked for us and felt normal to my kids.
My ex always had the boys Christmas Eve morning and did their Christmas then. It worked for us and felt normal to my kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Quite honestly, I think we (adults) put way more expectations on Christmas than the kids do. I know I used to practically knock myself out stressing about creating that perfect Norman Rockwell holiday. Looking back, I guess I was trying to compensate for how crappy life was by making Christmas perfect. It never was perfect, and it never compensated for the crap.
This year, I'm giving myself a much-needed break. I'm taking my kids on a trip the first week in January. Because of this, they are spending Christmas with their dad. We are having our little celebration and gift opening on Sunday the 23rd, which also happens to be my son's birthday. For the first time in 20 years, I am not stressing myself out. Nor am I spending more than I should. We are having a simple holiday with the emphasis on love, not stuff. And, for once, I'm really looking forward to it.
I know this doesn't really help answer the original question, but I guess I just wanted to say--do whatever works for you and your kids and don't worry too much about how things "should" be.
L
This year, I'm giving myself a much-needed break. I'm taking my kids on a trip the first week in January. Because of this, they are spending Christmas with their dad. We are having our little celebration and gift opening on Sunday the 23rd, which also happens to be my son's birthday. For the first time in 20 years, I am not stressing myself out. Nor am I spending more than I should. We are having a simple holiday with the emphasis on love, not stuff. And, for once, I'm really looking forward to it.
I know this doesn't really help answer the original question, but I guess I just wanted to say--do whatever works for you and your kids and don't worry too much about how things "should" be.
L
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by an'ka 
I mean, having Christmas dinner with him and his girlfriend at my house--just them and my daughter--is bizarre. My boundaries are all blurred...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
What she said. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Maybe it will next year, or 5 years from now - - but if it doesn't right now, no need to sweat it.
My AH and his ex split when their only child was 2. I hit the scene a year later, and the "child" is now 13. The parenting plan alternates each year, with even years he's with us from the start of Christmas vacation until 11AM Christmas Day- - then goes over to his mother's. Odd years, he's with us from 11 AM Christmas Day until New Year's. Everybody wins, especially him because he gets the chance to "wake up" on Christmas morning at each parent's home (a big deal for both families).
My AH and his ex split when their only child was 2. I hit the scene a year later, and the "child" is now 13. The parenting plan alternates each year, with even years he's with us from the start of Christmas vacation until 11AM Christmas Day- - then goes over to his mother's. Odd years, he's with us from 11 AM Christmas Day until New Year's. Everybody wins, especially him because he gets the chance to "wake up" on Christmas morning at each parent's home (a big deal for both families).
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Alive
Posts: 168
Hi an'ka,
I divorced when my kids were very young. We handled Christmas in this manner...Christmas morning as my children awoke I called their Dad & he came over. He came alone, no fiancee' (?), girlfriend/boyfriend or the like. Just me, the kids and their Dad. We shared Christmas morning making over the children. We (my ex & I) decided that early on...the children had not asked to be in this situation so we put the focus on them. If anyone in our lives could not deal with that....then maybe they shouldn't be in our lives. Later in the morning the kids spent lunch & time with my guests and family. The evening hours were for my ex and his friends and family. We did this till they were pretty much grown. It worked for us...because the kids came first. They speak often of those times with fond memories. I have no regrets. I wish you the best.
I divorced when my kids were very young. We handled Christmas in this manner...Christmas morning as my children awoke I called their Dad & he came over. He came alone, no fiancee' (?), girlfriend/boyfriend or the like. Just me, the kids and their Dad. We shared Christmas morning making over the children. We (my ex & I) decided that early on...the children had not asked to be in this situation so we put the focus on them. If anyone in our lives could not deal with that....then maybe they shouldn't be in our lives. Later in the morning the kids spent lunch & time with my guests and family. The evening hours were for my ex and his friends and family. We did this till they were pretty much grown. It worked for us...because the kids came first. They speak often of those times with fond memories. I have no regrets. I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Mine is much the same as Juliee - I have been divorced 14 years - We all get together Xmas am no BF's or GF's just us mom.dad and three kids after 10am is open to anyone who cares to come.
MY Xh is a much better cook that I and he does dinner and we all eat togther including bf's/gf's - it has always worked for us and I too think that the kids remember all of oiur xmas's as good.
shakarris
MY Xh is a much better cook that I and he does dinner and we all eat togther including bf's/gf's - it has always worked for us and I too think that the kids remember all of oiur xmas's as good.
shakarris
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
My brother is a divorced parent with 2 kids 8 and 6. He divorced when they were 3 yo and 11 months old. He and their mom alternate. for example he gets them from 6 pm christmas eve until noon christmas day. She has them until 6 pm on christmas eve and then noon to 6 pm on christmas day. Next year will be the opposite. His exes family does christmas on christmas eve as does my grandma. However my mom insists on doing it christmas day.
I also have a cousin of divorced parents. She will be 29 in january. They divorced when she was 3. She spends christmas eve with her dad and christmas day with her mom.
As an adult i would like to choose where i spend christmas, but mom insists that i spend it with her.
I also have a cousin of divorced parents. She will be 29 in january. They divorced when she was 3. She spends christmas eve with her dad and christmas day with her mom.
As an adult i would like to choose where i spend christmas, but mom insists that i spend it with her.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
My ex husband and I split up when my son was 6 years old and I've always enjoyed opening gifts and having Christmas on Christmas Eve....I'm not sure why, but it's just always worked for me and he usually goes to spend Christmas morning and most of the day with his dad because they have such a large family and a lot more places to cover that day....that's only what worked for me, everyone is different.....
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