He's driving me crazy.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
He's driving me crazy.....
My husband keeps calling me at all hours of the night. When I'm sleeping especially...like I don't need any sleep. You know I only have 4 kids to deal with and take care of the next day. He doesn't though and so he doesn't give a Sh@#!Then I take the phone off the hook and can't go back to sleep. Thats just my nature and he knows it. He's begging to come home making all of these promisees that I know are just BS. His father came by yesterday to get his clothes so he can work and he handed all of the kids a letter from him. What an ASS! He was really rude to me as if I've done something wrong by not letting him come home. Yet the other night he gladly came and got him and for a whole week he's been supplying the beer that is ruining his marriage. When I called his father last night to confront him about why he treated me like a NON-HUMAN... he acted as if I were crazy. He told me that he understood why I wouldn't let him come home. Then his sister called me this morning to ask me how things were and what had happened I started to tell her and she cut me off saying I can't deal with this..so I said why the hell did you call me and ask then if you didn't want to know? WHAT IDIOTS! I've just had it and my day has been started off wrong and I'm ill as a hornet and I need some words of encouragement before I lose my mind completely! The whole stupid crowd is just driving me insane...one minute they are concerned the next they could give a SH@#! Now.... I'm just gonna not answer the phone again today. The kids are getting on my nerves and I feel like my head is gonna launch off the top of my shoulders. I am mad today! Help me get through this...I know you guys can. You've done it before!
Ticked off in North Carolina!
2many2count
Ticked off in North Carolina!
2many2count
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
2many!
Take a step back from this chaos and breathe! What a mess for you to have to deal with! I feel for ya sista.... I have been through a chaotic separation (which led to divorce for me). My ex would drive me crazy too but the funny thing is is that I realized that he could only drive me crazy as long as I gave him the keys! That is the God's honest truth! When I quit jumping into the middle of everything by arguing my side, trying to make him quit, trying to make him stop calling, worked my program etc..... then things did get better for me! For me is the key here. I noticed that as long as I was totally high strung and stressed that my kids also reflected exactly what I was feeling. I was sad about that. I remember being a kid in one of these situations and it affects me still to this day. I didn't want that for them. I HAD to stop the madness. Now this was not easy, and the last time I WAS ready. Yes I said the last time, there were numerous times I left or kicked him out and let him home. I just knew we crossed over some kind of boundary the last time. Something inside of me clicked and I just knew I was done. This does not mean it was easy!!!! It was the most difficult thing that I have ever done! I had to throw myself into the Alanon program. I mean I went to meetings, I read my book, I got online etc...... every free minute I had. When that stinkin thinkin would come, I would do it again. Eventually the fog of manipulation, and my own sickness would subside and I could start seeing things as they really were. It took a while. There were times I would talk to my ex and literally have to hang up or drive off for fear that I would give in again. I for the first time in my life put myself very first and took care of me! This was the best gift that I could have given myself or my children. It did not matter wether I was going to be with him or away from him, I was not well (mentally) and Alanon saved me. A program saved me! I was and still am sick! My ex husband did drugs, well he was my drug. The chaos was my drug, the fighting and the misery were my drugs. I had to learn to live life on lifes terms and not in the middle of chaos. Not around alchohol or drugs..... I had to go within and fix me. I am not done by any means... I have a long ways to go! But I do have peace, something I did not think possible. My ex is not calling me in the middle of the night any longer. When I realized that he was manipulating me and I was letting him, it was easier to take the necessary steps to stop it like unhooking the phone, getting a protective order, calling the police when he violated the order. It was only then that he knew I was serious and that if he did not leave me alone I was going to MAKE him leave me alone. You cannot control his drinking or behavior, but you can control what your boundaries are. Set them then enforce them. It is excruciating to enforce them, but it could be the best thing that you could ever do for yourself and the kids. Even for him! He is out of control and he is taking you with him! Take his keys away, DONT LET HIM DRIVE YOU CRAZY OR HE WILL! I say that with a sincere heart. I understand where you are and how hard this is. Good luck to you and keep me posted.....
Hugs,
LG
Take a step back from this chaos and breathe! What a mess for you to have to deal with! I feel for ya sista.... I have been through a chaotic separation (which led to divorce for me). My ex would drive me crazy too but the funny thing is is that I realized that he could only drive me crazy as long as I gave him the keys! That is the God's honest truth! When I quit jumping into the middle of everything by arguing my side, trying to make him quit, trying to make him stop calling, worked my program etc..... then things did get better for me! For me is the key here. I noticed that as long as I was totally high strung and stressed that my kids also reflected exactly what I was feeling. I was sad about that. I remember being a kid in one of these situations and it affects me still to this day. I didn't want that for them. I HAD to stop the madness. Now this was not easy, and the last time I WAS ready. Yes I said the last time, there were numerous times I left or kicked him out and let him home. I just knew we crossed over some kind of boundary the last time. Something inside of me clicked and I just knew I was done. This does not mean it was easy!!!! It was the most difficult thing that I have ever done! I had to throw myself into the Alanon program. I mean I went to meetings, I read my book, I got online etc...... every free minute I had. When that stinkin thinkin would come, I would do it again. Eventually the fog of manipulation, and my own sickness would subside and I could start seeing things as they really were. It took a while. There were times I would talk to my ex and literally have to hang up or drive off for fear that I would give in again. I for the first time in my life put myself very first and took care of me! This was the best gift that I could have given myself or my children. It did not matter wether I was going to be with him or away from him, I was not well (mentally) and Alanon saved me. A program saved me! I was and still am sick! My ex husband did drugs, well he was my drug. The chaos was my drug, the fighting and the misery were my drugs. I had to learn to live life on lifes terms and not in the middle of chaos. Not around alchohol or drugs..... I had to go within and fix me. I am not done by any means... I have a long ways to go! But I do have peace, something I did not think possible. My ex is not calling me in the middle of the night any longer. When I realized that he was manipulating me and I was letting him, it was easier to take the necessary steps to stop it like unhooking the phone, getting a protective order, calling the police when he violated the order. It was only then that he knew I was serious and that if he did not leave me alone I was going to MAKE him leave me alone. You cannot control his drinking or behavior, but you can control what your boundaries are. Set them then enforce them. It is excruciating to enforce them, but it could be the best thing that you could ever do for yourself and the kids. Even for him! He is out of control and he is taking you with him! Take his keys away, DONT LET HIM DRIVE YOU CRAZY OR HE WILL! I say that with a sincere heart. I understand where you are and how hard this is. Good luck to you and keep me posted.....
Hugs,
LG
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi 2many - if there was ever a time to make boundaries and stick with them, now would be the time. It doesn't sound like you are anywhere near ready to have him back in the house, and I doubt that he is ready to come home either. Do whatever you have to do to look after YOU, not just for your own sanity, but also because your kids need their mom to be fully functioning and there for them - this is a critical time in all your lives. Your hubby may be full of remorse, but sorry isn't good enough. I've read time after time of somone giving in to the apologies and promises, only to have things right back where they were, or worse, within a short period of time.
LG's post was right on the money - her husband was only half of the problem and she had to fix herself as well. I know what you are going through with his family is really hard, but they aren't your problem, nor is what they may think about you. Don't get sucked into confrontation with them - stay focused on YOU. You see how crazy they are making you? Take your phone off the hook when you go to bed if he is calling you in the middle of the night. Get a restraining order if necessary to keep him away. I would even take a photo of the bruises on your daughter. Read the Power Posts at the top of this forum, and in particular "Hooks which keep you boudary-less in relationships."
Keep posting, 2many - and stay strong!
LG's post was right on the money - her husband was only half of the problem and she had to fix herself as well. I know what you are going through with his family is really hard, but they aren't your problem, nor is what they may think about you. Don't get sucked into confrontation with them - stay focused on YOU. You see how crazy they are making you? Take your phone off the hook when you go to bed if he is calling you in the middle of the night. Get a restraining order if necessary to keep him away. I would even take a photo of the bruises on your daughter. Read the Power Posts at the top of this forum, and in particular "Hooks which keep you boudary-less in relationships."
Keep posting, 2many - and stay strong!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((((2many)))))
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking and praying for you....
You really have a plate full right now...
I wonder why I kept going to an apple tree WHEN what I really needed was peaches?????
It took me so awfully long to learn that no matter HOW right I was in a situation, there was just some people who just couldn't help me feel better.....
Do be kind and gentle with yourself....
You really have a plate full right now...
I wonder why I kept going to an apple tree WHEN what I really needed was peaches?????
It took me so awfully long to learn that no matter HOW right I was in a situation, there was just some people who just couldn't help me feel better.....
Do be kind and gentle with yourself....
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
this advice is priceless
I just can't believe how great this forum is. I have been participating for a short while now and am so amazed by how my whole life is playing out in all these other people's lives. And now this!!!
I am now right in the scenario described here. I have put my husband out because he won't agree he has a drinking problem and it has made our lives unmanageable. And now he calls me every night, wanting to talk or come see me. At first it was after he closed or nearly closed the bar. It was making me crazy, making it hard to get up and fucntion at work the next day. Yet I didn't have the strength to take the phone off the hook because I was sick enough to want to talk to him. I have been sick enough to let him come over. I am in the midst of this manipulation right now, and was trying to figure out how to describe it in a post. Well, here it all is in this thread.
I have been successful in establishing more boundaries, at least. he calls much earlier now, and is not intoxicated at all. He knows there is a better chance I will be willing to see him then. And when I have seen him recently I am treating him differently. Seeing him as sick, not getting into the same old arguments, detahcing with love as they say. He is responding by being easier to deal with, talk to and be around.
Now I am afraid I will be weak and give in to his coming back while still completely in denial that he has a problem. I do not want this!... except when I am with him of course. :-)
I am working my program hard to maintain my boundaries. I have already let him come back once about a week ago when he promised to quit drinking (to me, my daughter, our friends and family). he was sober three great days. I had begun to let my guard down. Day four he was back to denying he had a problem, blaming me for making him quit, and then back to drinking his beer again. Day five he moved out again because I wouldn't have it in my house anymore. Yay for boundaries.
Now he works my heart and emotions every night. He knows I miss him and he knows all the other ways to get me to take the blame and such. Thank god for this program and this forum to help me keep my eyes open to what is really happening. I am glad we are communicating in better ways thanks to the things I've learned from this program so far. Now to stay strong. reading these posts helps me with that A LOT. Thank you all!!!!!
I am now right in the scenario described here. I have put my husband out because he won't agree he has a drinking problem and it has made our lives unmanageable. And now he calls me every night, wanting to talk or come see me. At first it was after he closed or nearly closed the bar. It was making me crazy, making it hard to get up and fucntion at work the next day. Yet I didn't have the strength to take the phone off the hook because I was sick enough to want to talk to him. I have been sick enough to let him come over. I am in the midst of this manipulation right now, and was trying to figure out how to describe it in a post. Well, here it all is in this thread.
I have been successful in establishing more boundaries, at least. he calls much earlier now, and is not intoxicated at all. He knows there is a better chance I will be willing to see him then. And when I have seen him recently I am treating him differently. Seeing him as sick, not getting into the same old arguments, detahcing with love as they say. He is responding by being easier to deal with, talk to and be around.
Now I am afraid I will be weak and give in to his coming back while still completely in denial that he has a problem. I do not want this!... except when I am with him of course. :-)
I am working my program hard to maintain my boundaries. I have already let him come back once about a week ago when he promised to quit drinking (to me, my daughter, our friends and family). he was sober three great days. I had begun to let my guard down. Day four he was back to denying he had a problem, blaming me for making him quit, and then back to drinking his beer again. Day five he moved out again because I wouldn't have it in my house anymore. Yay for boundaries.
Now he works my heart and emotions every night. He knows I miss him and he knows all the other ways to get me to take the blame and such. Thank god for this program and this forum to help me keep my eyes open to what is really happening. I am glad we are communicating in better ways thanks to the things I've learned from this program so far. Now to stay strong. reading these posts helps me with that A LOT. Thank you all!!!!!
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