AW trial tomorrow/step 3/battered spouse syndrome
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
AW trial tomorrow/step 3/battered spouse syndrome
1. My AW's trial for assault on myself is tomorrow, immediately followed by the hearing to extend the order of protection on her. Bang for your buck, or something like that. Anyway, I have already filed for custody of our four kids and told the lawyer to begin divorce proceedings. I took all the money out of our joint account and put it in a new one and cancelled all our credit cards. The funny part is , she still thinks the whole situation is MY fault---she asked me (through her mother) if _I_ _really_ want to do this, if it's what I want for our 8-month-old twins, etc. Whatever kind of program she's in in her jail rehab, it still doesn't seem like she has realized that she is in the situation she's in because of _her_ actions.
2. This whole time leading up to the trial I have been thinking "step 3...step 3...step 3..." I was going to ask this teacher (who is attractive) at the school I teach at if she and her bf wanted to come over and hang out at my house over winter break because it's just going to be me and 4 toddlers/infants for 10 days; I need to interact with some adults at some point!!! =) She lives like a block away. So apropos of nothing, she comes into my classroom to deliver this form that we all have to fill out for a student that is transferring to another school system. So I start talking to her about what she's doing over break, etc. and we end up exchanging numbers. NOTE: I am not trying to hook up with this girl. A) she has a very serious bf B)it is not a good policy to hook up with coworkers. I think you can get slammed for adultery if you have sex with someone else before your divorce is finalized. In addition, I am not trying to get into another relationship for a LONG time. HOWEVER, i have been in a super-controlled, abusive, codependent relationship for years--I need to get out and meet some new people and stuff. So, I think this was my higher power looking out for me in this respect. Actually, I just saw this:
Parties can charge one another with adultery at any time and the existence of a separation agreement does not protect a party from being so charged. Any behavior on your part which would indicate "inclination" or "opportunity" could be used against you to establish adultery.
So I think I'll ask my lawyer about that tomorrow! =| again, bang for buck...
Which brings me to:
3. Battered Spouse Syndrome - My therapist said I might have this. I looked on the internet, and one of the main symptoms I found was "a sense that the abusive spouse is omniscient and omnipresent". I feel that a lot. Especially today, because "another woman gave me her phone #," a wave of anxiety passed over me, like "ohmygod--she's going to kill me." I felt like she was there watching me and glaring at me with her angry face and "crazy eyes." Anyway, my therapist says that my brain is used to thinking that way and that it takes a while for it to "heal", even though the threat has been removed. Anyway, does anyone know anything about BSS, like how long it lasts, etc...
Thanks!
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2. This whole time leading up to the trial I have been thinking "step 3...step 3...step 3..." I was going to ask this teacher (who is attractive) at the school I teach at if she and her bf wanted to come over and hang out at my house over winter break because it's just going to be me and 4 toddlers/infants for 10 days; I need to interact with some adults at some point!!! =) She lives like a block away. So apropos of nothing, she comes into my classroom to deliver this form that we all have to fill out for a student that is transferring to another school system. So I start talking to her about what she's doing over break, etc. and we end up exchanging numbers. NOTE: I am not trying to hook up with this girl. A) she has a very serious bf B)it is not a good policy to hook up with coworkers. I think you can get slammed for adultery if you have sex with someone else before your divorce is finalized. In addition, I am not trying to get into another relationship for a LONG time. HOWEVER, i have been in a super-controlled, abusive, codependent relationship for years--I need to get out and meet some new people and stuff. So, I think this was my higher power looking out for me in this respect. Actually, I just saw this:
Parties can charge one another with adultery at any time and the existence of a separation agreement does not protect a party from being so charged. Any behavior on your part which would indicate "inclination" or "opportunity" could be used against you to establish adultery.
So I think I'll ask my lawyer about that tomorrow! =| again, bang for buck...
Which brings me to:
3. Battered Spouse Syndrome - My therapist said I might have this. I looked on the internet, and one of the main symptoms I found was "a sense that the abusive spouse is omniscient and omnipresent". I feel that a lot. Especially today, because "another woman gave me her phone #," a wave of anxiety passed over me, like "ohmygod--she's going to kill me." I felt like she was there watching me and glaring at me with her angry face and "crazy eyes." Anyway, my therapist says that my brain is used to thinking that way and that it takes a while for it to "heal", even though the threat has been removed. Anyway, does anyone know anything about BSS, like how long it lasts, etc...
Thanks!
-
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi fff!
Good idea to run your plans for socializing by your lawyer but I think if your colleague frequents your house with her long-term BF you are in the clear. Maybe you could invite another couple of "chaperones". You're taking a very positive step towards reclaiming your life by extending invitations and, of course, you need adult conversation and company too.
Platonic friendships do exist. Men and women can be just friends. Although XABF only became verbally abusive when I requested NO CONTACT, he always implied that persons of the opposite sex were up to no good and "just friends" was a lie. XABF and I were long distance. I went out with a new hiking group one weekend and mentioned afterwards to XABF that I had met an interesting gentleman. XABF freaked! Red flag! As are co-dependent too and seek to control. When they can't control they threaten. That was my experience.
Your therapist is probably right. It takes time to re-build and re-discover healthy relationships with everyone.
All the best in court tomorrow.
ARL
Good idea to run your plans for socializing by your lawyer but I think if your colleague frequents your house with her long-term BF you are in the clear. Maybe you could invite another couple of "chaperones". You're taking a very positive step towards reclaiming your life by extending invitations and, of course, you need adult conversation and company too.
Platonic friendships do exist. Men and women can be just friends. Although XABF only became verbally abusive when I requested NO CONTACT, he always implied that persons of the opposite sex were up to no good and "just friends" was a lie. XABF and I were long distance. I went out with a new hiking group one weekend and mentioned afterwards to XABF that I had met an interesting gentleman. XABF freaked! Red flag! As are co-dependent too and seek to control. When they can't control they threaten. That was my experience.
Your therapist is probably right. It takes time to re-build and re-discover healthy relationships with everyone.
All the best in court tomorrow.
ARL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
Okay...the trial was a week ago. It was bad. The worst part was detailing, in front of a judge and what seemed like 57 people in a courtroom, the play-by-play of her getting drunk and hitting/threatening me. I figured it was only fair considering the detail in which she detailed what a model prisoner she was.
BOTTOM LINE: she plead guilty to assault and violating the Emergency Protective Order. We got what we wanted, which was: A) a 2-year extension of protective order B) I get temporary custody of the 4 kids and the house C) She gets supervised visitation every other weekend and has to go to all sorts of counseling.
The aftermath was super hectic; her mom kept calling every 5 minutes, making all sorts of demands, like "She needs her checkbook, credit cards, etc..." Which I had cancelled and moved into a new account. First she came over to get some clothes, which was fine. Then she came over unannounced with a handwritten (by my AW) list of stuff. At this point I just wanted to be left alone. I seriously thank that she still doesn't think we will get divorced. She said in court she remembered almost nothing from the day she got arrested. She has no idea of the effect of her actions that day, nor the gravitas of the effects of her day-to-day alcoholism on me and our children. Well, today my lawyer emailed me the complaint, so that is the last step...
So that's it; I don't know where she is or how she's doing. However, I know her HP is looking out for her. The first supervised visit is this weekend.
I really can't emphasize strongly enough how thankful I am to have gotten out of that situation. I deserve to have a decent life where I don't have to worry about if my kids are okay or not every minute, or what's going to happen today when she gets drunk, etc. Everything else I have to do I just details.
BOTTOM LINE: she plead guilty to assault and violating the Emergency Protective Order. We got what we wanted, which was: A) a 2-year extension of protective order B) I get temporary custody of the 4 kids and the house C) She gets supervised visitation every other weekend and has to go to all sorts of counseling.
The aftermath was super hectic; her mom kept calling every 5 minutes, making all sorts of demands, like "She needs her checkbook, credit cards, etc..." Which I had cancelled and moved into a new account. First she came over to get some clothes, which was fine. Then she came over unannounced with a handwritten (by my AW) list of stuff. At this point I just wanted to be left alone. I seriously thank that she still doesn't think we will get divorced. She said in court she remembered almost nothing from the day she got arrested. She has no idea of the effect of her actions that day, nor the gravitas of the effects of her day-to-day alcoholism on me and our children. Well, today my lawyer emailed me the complaint, so that is the last step...
So that's it; I don't know where she is or how she's doing. However, I know her HP is looking out for her. The first supervised visit is this weekend.
I really can't emphasize strongly enough how thankful I am to have gotten out of that situation. I deserve to have a decent life where I don't have to worry about if my kids are okay or not every minute, or what's going to happen today when she gets drunk, etc. Everything else I have to do I just details.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
As to your question about BSS, I only know from watching friends struggle with it. One has been in therapy for years and is doing very well. One went to therapy for a short while and now lives a sort of half life because she choses not to deal with her issues.
I agree therapy would be a good choice. Only you will know for how long.
I agree therapy would be a good choice. Only you will know for how long.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
FFF...just wanna say kudos to you for being so strong and protective of yourself and your children....I myself have four little ones all 3 and under...I know how hard it can be!! Wishing you all the strength and patience you need to find happiness for you and your precious babies....btw...my twins are now 3 and it gets much much easier....Wish I was there to be your friend...
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