gjfc3

Hi all! I have been reading these posts for the last couple of weeks and finally decided it was time I did a little posting of my own. Firstly though, I want to say that it is so wonderful to see the support, compassion, and understanding from everyone here, the raw emotions and the tenderness and strength in exhibited by all.


I am a 32 mom of three and married to an alcoholic (12 years). I have spent the last 12 years crying, begging, sick, angry and trying to find a way to make my family more important than the bottle. He now has 2 DWI's, possession of a controlled substance, many traffic violations, and again has promised to quit drinking. 2 weeks ago I involved my family for the very first time in our relationship and told them what I was going through. It felt to wonderful knowing they knew my life and I could get over the shame of staying here. My children are my life and I worry daily over their exposure to this lifestyle. With the involvement of my family came the decision to quit drinking again....he has a completely different personality right now...less manipulation..but it is still there in small doses...but I can't stand him. I am so sick of it, I can't forgot aobut him driving drunk with the kids in the car, staying out all night, crying alone and wondering if he is dead in a ditch. I am here giving him one last try...but I don't want to be here...do I owe him this??? Do I have to stay? I am so confused...I would have loved this change 2 years ago...I am so numb all of the time...and non-caring where he is concerned now. I just want to be happy and safe with my children...am I wrong...what do I owe him...

any advice would be greatly appreciated!

nowinsituation

GJFC3

I am very new here myself -- but have similar feelings to you. I recently discovered my husband was an alcoholic; and 4 months later separated from him. He claimed to me to have quit drinking but I found out he was hiding it from me and lying about it. It hurt like H***!!! But I understand your feelings; because at this point even if he wasn't drinking anymore, I don't want to be with him. We had been married 24 years; so I suppose I owe him twice as much as you do (just kidding)! You don't OWE him anything. You owe yourself and your children a life without chaos. I am just beginning that journey for myself; and it is full of mixed emotions and second-guessing. Having support from your family will help a lot. Some of my family supports me; but some feel that I owe my husband more chances. It hurts, but remember that only you know what it's been like; so only you know when it's time to do what you have to to take care of yourself.

mamajama

My answer to your question, is no, you don't owe him. You owe it to yourself and your children to have a peaceful life. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and don't know what to do (which is not unusual). My suggestion is to find an Al Anon meeting in your area where you can learn the tools to make decisions that are right for you. Recovery is a process. You don't have to decide everything in one day. Hugs.

Barbara52

Do you owe him another chance? You don't owe him anything IMO. What I would focus on is what you and your kids need.

One thing to keep in mind is that if you decide you need to separate, one of you moving out doesn't have to be permanent. If you separate, he gets into recovery and down the line you decide to try living together again, that's a perfectly good way to go forward.

If you feel you cannot continue living with him, that it is what is best for you and your kids at this point in time, do it. Your first concern should be your kids. If you think it will be better for them to be away from the madness, go for it.

Is he in any sort of recovery program, has he quit drinking or just cut down?

Think of yourself first for a change. Go to AlAnon, get into therapy if you feel the need, work on yourself and on providing the best life possible for your kids.

DetachMe9

Welcome to SR! I haven't been here long either but the help seems to come from nearly every person who makes a comment.

One thing I noticed from your post was that you seem to be coming out of "hiding"; you said you've been in this situation for so long without telling anyone close to you. Now recently you've opened yourself up to your family and found this website, made your first request for help, etc. Something important is going on for you that you're doing this, something shifting internally maybe?

One of the things I've noticed in my recovery path is that everyone takes their own time to get to a place of being unable to accept what they've been accepting with their alcoholic. What would drive someone out of a marriage in one week may take another person 20+ years to get there. It just doesn't matter, as long as you finally find yourself in a place of realizing you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. You also don't OWE anything, although that feeling is the final frontier for most of us who took their marriage vows very seriously.

Hope you stay tuned. Take care of yourself.

tryingtoheal

So glad to have you here! I am sorry to hear of your husband's alcoholism, and congrats on opening up to your family and freeing yourself of some of that shame.

IMHO, you owe him nothing. But I don't think anyone should owe anyone anything when it comes to a relationship. I should want to give my bf the world, not feel I owe him it. And vice versa. But you probably already know this, and I am sure that was the way it was when you first fell in love, right?

That being said, it sounds to me like you are dealing with a good old case of GUILT. I think guilt is one of the several emotions that we codependents harbor to the point of insanity and at our own great peril. It makes us stay with abusers, a-holes, addicts, alcoholics, cheaters, etc...it makes us feel we 'owe' our significant others 2,000 chances to make things right...it makes us deny truly awful behavior because our spouse is 'sick' with alcoholism (but won't try to get well), and we made a vow of "in sickness and in health."

But ouch!! At what cost? You have already given him what he is owed by staying with his loser butt for several years despite his careless, inconsiderate ways. Maybe it's time to ask yourself two questions: 1) What does he owe me? 2) What do I owe myself and my children?

I'm anxious to see how things go for you and wish you the best. Sounds like you have hit the threshold of tolerance with him. Although I am sad to hear that, I am glad you are here and taking control of this yucky situation. Keep us updated!

gjfc3

Thank you so much!! And I realize that I am taking a big step by finally "coming out" so to speak! The posts are right on...why do I continue to doubt myself....I am trying to work through my obvious codependence and for god sakes why on earth I let myself get to this spot! He is not drinking at all right now...but he will not even consider AA or any support group...all the support is to come from me of course..again..i sound very bitter...and I am so not used to this attitude from myself..

I have heard the quit drinking so many times..and he has for at most 3 months..with severe attitude problems..but he is right now better than he has ever been and I know this is because he knows I want to go..i feel like I am still being manipulated...geezz...cry me a river..so sorry for the continued poor me syndrome!! I am so grateful for your support!!

gjfc3

and omg...trying to heal..you are SOOOO right with the guilt...eating me....all the time....man I hate guilt...

Barbara52

That is difficult when you want to be the support system, impossible when you don't.

Personally, I don't think an alcoholic can do it alone in the vast majority of cases. Without something like AA, he is unlikely to be willing to do the hard work of examining himself and why he is an alcoholic. Or to know how to not go back to drinking.

Again, think of yourself and your kids first. And get into therapy to deal with that guilt! You have nothing to feel guilty about!

gjfc3

You are so right barbara.....and I am really looking forward to some therapy!! Have been leaning to that for some time. He is laying it on heavy right now...about making it work...I am the most important person in the world..blah blah blah...he is getting his intended results as I am still here...but I am in for big changes for 2008....I can feel it!!!!! AND I CAN DO IT!!! He needs to be sober..for himself..and to be the best father he can be...but I am pretty sure he can do that without me if he is committed! I will check into some groups here....

I have spent 12 years trying to make things work...lessen the egg shells effect in the house and the yelling...and the all around insane behavior most times..my goal for this week is to start making a plan!! for me...and the kids..and the future. the biggest hugs to you all!!!

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome aboard!

cmc

Hi gjfc3,
Welcome to SR. I just wanted to say hello and that I'm glad to see you posting here. You will find some good information and resources listed for you in the sticky threads for this forum. In addition to coming here for information and support, I also recommend Alanon for you and Alateen for the kids.

denny57

I also don't think you owe him anything.

Have you discussed a separation? Sometimes the reaction to that suggestion can reveal a lot.

Welcome to SR!

Kindeyes

Welcome. You'll find wonderful support and many spouses who are dealing or have dealt with what you are living right now.
hugs

GiveLove

gj,

Welcome to the doorstep of recovery. The view from here is much better, isn't it? Not that you don't still have many things to work through.....but now that you've come to this place where you are willing to get help, build a support system, be part of a community of experience like SR...you can begin to envision something better for you & your kids.

This place, Al-Anon meetings, and a really good therapist probably saved my life. Until then, I had suffered in isolation for a long time and thought I would go nuts with anger, guilt, and sadness.

You don't owe your husband anything. You owe yourself and your kids everything. That doesn't mean you can't support him if you want to, but make sure you want to, and make sure it's on YOUR terms, something YOU can live with and that feels right in your heart.

You don't have to play this masquerade with him. No one can be sober for very long if they do it for another person. He's fooling himself, and he's manipulating you.

Hugs to you -- and welcome!
GL

cagefree

My XABF is living proof.

Welcome GJ!

Pajarito

Welcome, You are a lot like me- married 12 years, coming out of hiding. I can tell you that the greatest thing to come from finally talking about what is going on to others is the amazing people who will share their stories, comfort you, help you and support you. You cannot do what you are alone. I agree with others that al-anon is a great place for support. You may need to try a few meetings before you feel comfortable. I tried 3 different groups and have found a great place that I go to 1x a week. My family is supportive, I have friends who support me, a counselor who is a gift. My AH left me 4 months ago- I wasn't ready to leave, although I had thought about leaving a lot. You will do what you need to do in your own time. The fact that you are coming here, and finally told your family says a lot. You are gaining strength- which is what you need for yourself and your children. You don't owe your AH anything- in my opinion. Take care of yourself- it's all you can do- and your gift to your children.

gjfc3

Thank you all so much! I feel like I can breathe today....the first day in at least a couple weeks....so wonderful to have found you all! Hugs!

an'ka

He is giving you a temporary reprieve before he goes back to drinking and/or using. I don't claim to be clairvoyant, but I'd be willing to bet my right hand that it is going to happen, because his motivation for sobriety is external. He does not own it. Just as others mentioned earlier, you don't owe anyone anything. I mean, my god, don't "12 years of crying, begging, being sick and angry" count for anything? How about three children? It sounds to me like you've already given plenty...can you say the same for your husband?

christin

Sending you many prayers. It will all work out.