Need4Change

This is not another one of those "help, I'm so hungover!!" threads nor is it some diatribe about a horrible experience I had while intoxicated. It is simply about last night. I want to talk about that.

I woke up this morning to discover that I had received several PM's. Apparently I said a lot of very stupid things last night and a thread of mine was removed. I don't even remember all the details, what all was said or even why I said whatever I said. Something happens to the alcoholic mind to make a person say things they would never dream of saying while sober. At any rate, apparently I upset a lot of people although I was'nt even aware of this until I was told this morning since I did not have the opportunity to read all of the replies (which was probably a blessing in disguise).

As I attempt to get into my own mind and dissect the thread from last night (from what I can remember and without the benefit of having it in front of me right now) I can only surmise that I let some video go to my head and suddenly I was "role-playing", pretending I was the guy in the video. For some reason I have a habit of doing this and have all my life. I have watched a lot of videos that went to my head, only to pretend online (or off) that I *was* that person or that I was in that situation. When I use the term "role-playing" I am, of course, speaking of exactly that...pretending...NOT actually *doing* what I have seen in a video. Perhaps it's some type of immature, attention-seeking behavior or something and the alcohol acts as a sort of catalyst. I don't know.

That sounds like a pretty wierd and twisted explanation but I don't know how else to describe it - especially since I don't remember a lot of what I said, what I was thinking at the time or have that particular thread in front of me right now.

As to my efforts to quit drinking and continued relapses, I can only say that I am not any of you. I am *me* and just because others are able to quit using a particular strategy does'nt neccessarily mean that it's going to work for me. I do a great deal of reading and there are a number of people out there just like me who find it very difficult to quit in spite of AA, rehab, prayer, meds, etc. It's not always a question of "really wanting to quit" (believe me, I DO). This is a serious addiction and I'm just going to have to keep trying even if it takes a thousand tries or even hospitalization. In the interum, it would still be nice to drop in here and chat once in awhile.

Then again, perhaps I'm spending too much time here...getting too comfortable and throughout my life, the better people get to know me, the more they dislike about me so maybe it's just time I accepted that I am a reject of society and moved on.

Need4Change

Dee74

I hope you find the answer N4C
My PM stands. As long as you think you're beyond help, you will be.
And until you reach out and let go and accept your differences don't mean squat compared to doing whatever it takes to beat this, you will be stuck in a loop.

D

stone

I dont think you should move on need4.

I didnt even see the thread anyway, but its in the past now. ALL that matters is you stop drinking---only you can do it for yourself, use any help you can, but it was when I realised no-one and no thing could do it FOR me that I made some progress.

You know I struggled to quit like you are now, so I have a lot of empathy for you.

caitlin666

n4c i really do hope that you can find some inner strength to fight this....

Need4Change

This just confirms (at least for me) how one night of drinking can change everything in an instant. One minute I'm on day 3# and feeling really good about myself (like there's finally hope), a lot of people supporting me and lots of friends here. Everything is going great and I'm moving around the house getting a lot of things done while my friend is busy cooking a delicious dinner. My friend was even upbeat about the fact that I had quit drinking. Life was grand and I was on a roll. Christmas...here I come and SOBER!!.

Then, the next minute I'm waking up to a complete disaster...the dreaded "morning after". Vertigo, dizzyness, regret, remorse, guilt, depression, dissapointment, you name it. And as if that were'nt bad enough, all of my friends on SR that I have grown to know and love seem to have abandoned me. No more replies to my posts. No more support. Most probably have me on thier ignore list and dont ever plan on speaking to me again because they think I'm some kind of wierdo and have just given up on me. Also, I actually had a nightmare about this forum last night (at least I hope it was just a nightmare!) and woke up very early with insomnia and lots of anxiety, feeling all alone and misunderstood.

Anyway, I really blew it and the sad part about it is that "whoever" I was last night was not really *me* and I still don't have 1/10'th of a clue what all was said and/or by whom except that I must have really been wild and crazy in my drunken state. I wish someone would PM me and fill me in so that I could at least apologize for the things I said and try to put this behind me/us.

Need4Change

Octoman

I wouldnt beat yourself up too much about it. This is afterall a forum populated by alcoholics so the odd drama or two is not wholly unexpected!!

I doubt anyone is too offended by anything you wrote. We have all been there and know how it works. I'm sure it wasnt you posting and you didnt mean offence.

What you do need to do now is show you are getting back on your feet and pressing on with your recovery. Start building up your sober time and you'll find everyone will rally to your support again. That is what we are all here to do afer all. Get sober, stay sober and stay alive. Thats the ONLY thing that truly matters.

Dont give up Need4 and keep posting!

barb dwyer

Of course I take a few days off and all hell breaks loose.

I have no idea what your'etalking about, need4, because I wasn't here.

One thing I see in your posts that concerns me and keeps me from posting on your threads is a need to drag others into your drinking experience.
As a grateful recovering alcoholic - I cannot afford to come that close to that sort of slippery slope.

It is exactly the kind of experience you're describing that ...
wound me up dead.
I have to be very very careful who I correspond with in that regard.

I have found a way out.
I offer that.
But I cannot do it for you.
And what I see over and again is the need to have something done FOR you.
YOU have to make that decision.
No one else can.
But to blame others for using their ignore buttons -
I just couldn't let that one go un remarked.

I remember the first night you ever posted on this forum. It was ME you talked to. I gave you the first steps to the solution then. I offer them again.

But that is all I can do.

I truly hope you get yourself to some help.

Dee74

n4c
read your post again

this makes it sound like it's our fault and makes you sound like a victim.
Bull.

You really need to do some brutal self examination and take some responsibility for your actions.

'I was drunk' is an understandable excuse here - but it's not a valid one.

D

barb dwyer

(no thanks button) thanks Dee

Need4Change

Please delete...

Octoman

Why?
There is nothing with this thread to be concerned about as far as I can see?

Need4Change

I am feeling TERRIBLE right now about a PM I just received and even worse, I have absolutely zero recollection of 90% of what I have been told occurred (or was said) last night. It's as if I was some kind of monster.

I'm sorry but if what I am told is true, then I just don't feel welcome here anymore. It was nice while it lasted. It could have lasted a lot longer but I think I've outstayed my welcome now. I just did'nt fit in.

I have plenty more to say but what would be the point?. I feel physically ill right now, dizzy, loads of anxiety, vertigo, etc. I'm also deeply depressed over the sudden change of direction my membership here has taken and what I percieve to be the loss of many friends on this forum.

Thanks deeply to all of those who supported me through my battle with alcoholism. Like I said, bad things happen when I drink. I'm not very strong right now. In fact, I feel miserable. Day 3# and I blew it. I wish I could rewind life and go back but no chance of that. Again, I just can't emphasize enough how miserable I feel right now )-:

Need4Change

stone

You WILL feel terrible the 'morning after the night before', I remember how I used to feel too.

You might not have noticed but you are getting support right now, even if its not all what you want to hear. Take a day away from the forum if you feel like it but there is no need for flouncing off completely.

December15

I didn't read your outbursts last night, so can't comment on that. What I would say though is this: you went two days sober. That's an achievement. You felt some rays of hope. Unfortunately as quick as putting a glass to the mouth those rays die. I find your threads interesting and wouldn't like you to stop posting

Dee74

I presume this was my PM. 'If what I am told is true' ? Man you are some piece of work. But I was too.

I said I hope you'd take responsibility for this manfully. Dude, I don't even see an apology here, just more victim stuff....

I hope you don't leave. I think SR's about the only support you have right now.

But you have some major growing up to do N4C, just like I did.
I just hope you're a little smarter and a little less stubborn and don't have to lose a 1/4 of yr life and nearly die just to realise it.

Maybe one day you'll arrest the arrested development and realise why I and others here are being so hard ass. I hope so, but I don't think I'm helping any more.

D

nodrinkingzone

Dude, we have all been you before in one way or another. I don't know you, but I had to go to work on Monday after blacking out at my work party, and waking up with a broken rib, a big cut on my head and bruises all over my body. I had to stand in a meeting with 30 other people while they laughed about how I was 'that guy' and how there's always one. I'm 31, I'm too old for this ****.

I also feel like I have this evil side that comes out when I drink, like a different persona, someone I don't know and wouldn't recognise.

I know how you feel, the reason I am here now is because I don't want to feel like that ever again. Since I have never lasted more than a month sober, I can also understand that different things work for different people, and I cannot offer you any advice, just understanding and acceptance.

Good luck.

Tazman53

need4change are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Are you tired of waking up and wondering.............................?

It only took me 40 years of drinking to reach that point, it took me 30 years of drinking to start thinking "Gee maybe I need to cut back or stop drinking entirely!"

I tried quitting/controling my drinking my way from the 30 to the 35 year mark of my drinking, you see I was smart, I was able to do anything I put my mind to in my life, my father was an alcoholic and he quit drinking, so did my little brother, I was every bit as smart as them so I knew I could find a way to quit my way!

Those losers in AA had to help each other out, they were weak, they were idiots who could not quit thier own way, they had to use someone elses way that worked, I was above that, I was smarter then that, I was going to quit drinking B]my way[/B] if it killed me!!!! I did not need to go to a treatment center or detox, I did not need any help because I could do it B]my way[/B]!

Well B]my way[/B] resulted in me having no choice physically, mentally, or spiritually as to whether I drank or not, by the 35 year mark in my drinking I had to drink every day just to feel normal.

Man was I smart, B]my way[/B] was slowly killing me but I was to proud to admit B]my way[/B] did not work! You see I do not need anyone else to quit, I was the MAN!!!!!!

Well the day finally came, I had entered the final stage of alcoholism, my tolerance had gone haywire, one day I after only 6-8 beers I would start slurring my speech and stumble around (I kept drinking beyond that point every day), then the very next day I could slam one beer right after another all day long and not even cop a buzz!!! Wow was B]my way[/B] working great!!!!

Eventually I had a moment of clarity, I saw my house of cards getting ready to collapse arond me if I did not quit drinking followed by a slow painful death from my alcoholism. Alcohol had kicked my ARSE but good!

I was at my bottom, I was finally convinced that B]my way[/B] had failed me miserably!!! I had a major problem...... I knew I had to quit, I knew I needed help to quit, but who?

Well I called my health insurance folks and they got me set up to see a specialist in alcoholism and drug addiction, I told him the whole truth about how much and how long I had drank. the doctor told me I needed to go into detox.

Well guess what? I knew finally that B]my way[/B] did not work and I was going to die if I did not try it the way some one else suggested!

I went into detox!

In detox they told me over and over again, if you want a chance to stay sober you need to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

I knew finally that B]my way[/B] did not work and I was going to die if I did not try it the way some one else suggested! So I went to over 90 AA meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor.

In AA they told me if you want a chance to stay sober you need to work the steps with your sponsor.

I knew finally that B]my way[/B] did not work and I was going to die if I did not try it the way some one else suggested! So I worked the steps with my sponsor.

Need4change you need to change if you want a chance to stay sober .

Need4change are you ready to try getting and staying sober some other way then your way?

You come here asking for help and support, the only thing I can offer is what has worked for me, is it your way? No, but guess what? It is not my way either, it is the way millions of others have gotten and stayed sober since 1939.

There are other ways, and others here have shared with you what worked for them.

Need4change nothing will work for you or any one else until one is ready to WORK at it, not argue about it, not say "That will not work for me!", just simply do what has worked for others, it will work for you if you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.

Need4change I could care less what you said yesterday, you see I have done the same crap, I have hung my head in shame, I have shook my head over and over again wondering "Why did I drink again?", "What did I do last night?"

I do not do that anymore because I was willing to admit my way did not work and WORKED a program that has worked for millions just like me!

I used to think "I am unique, I am different from other alcoholics!" Well guess what? I am not, I finally reached the point where I was not going to let my pride, my ego kill me!!!!

Need4change are you going to let your pride and ego kill you? I pray that you don't.

Need4Change

What terrifies me the most is what I might say or do while drunk and history has proven to me over and over again (without exception) that I will ALWAYS say or do something stupid, illegal, dangerous, hurtful, sinful, etc. It's kind of like knowing that you are going to have a nightmare once you go to bed...it's just a question of what kind of nightmare you are going to have, how scary it will be, etc.

I'm also trying to figure out what my triggers are. I mean, I can go 2-3 days without drinking and suddenly it's like everything goes completely out the window and I'm in "auto-pilot" mode, robotically reaching into the fridge for a frostie...my mind completely blank (or oblivious) to any consequences. I have often thought maybe if I could buy a straight-jacket and tie myself to the bed, I would'nt be able to get a frostie no matter what.

What the heck "clicks" in my brain that makes me suddenly, impulsively, instantly go to the fridge - throwing caution to the wind and just reaching for that first one?. I must be nuts. I tell myself each and every time that I can control my behavior "this time" or I believe that little voice in the back of my head telling me that this time it will be different (no bad behavior, no hangover, etc) and yet once I've reached that 8'th or 9'th frostie, I seem to lose ALL control and inhibition and do very risky and sometimes dangerous things and it scares the living crap out of me because I have ZERO control while drunk.

I'm just talking, pondering, thinking out loud - no "I'm a poor little victim" here or "please feel sorry for me". I don't need anyone's pity and I've never asked for it and I'm not making excuses. I am a big, sloppy drunk who is NOT in "denial" and knows he has a HUGE and FRIGHTENING problem on his hands and beyond my control and that I need and want help and that whatever I've tried in the past is NOT working.

I don't know what else to say at the moment except that I put seeing my doctor on my todo list and plan to ask him to let me try Topamax or get me some other sort of help but I KNOW I need help and I need it desperately.

Need4LOTSof Change

gypsytears

You need to STOP drinking. Sorry to break it to you like that, but it will go a long way in helping your other problems. How you stop is another matter. You could see your doctor, go to a rehab, go to an outpatient program, go to the Salvation Army, speak to you church or religious organization if you belong to one, seek therapy... there's this thing I've heard about called AA. That might help too. Do something. Until you stop you'll continue to be effed up in all the ways you post about.

You need to STOP drinking.

lostmdboy

N4C this is a deadly disease you are fighting. All the crap you are going through right now is just that. A miserable death is waiting for you if you continue. Alcohol will kill you!! My only advice for you is to put a plug in the jug, and get your @ss to a meeting.