BBD

Hello Everyone, I'm new to this and have been reading alot of the posts lately. My son has an addiction to cocaine and spent 8 weeks this summer in rehab. I had no clue how bad his addiction was till I got the call that he had walked into recovery himself. He has been out for 4 1/2 months now and I'm wondering how you all are handling Xmas. I will be having Xmas eve here and his addiction isn't everyone else's. I feel guilty ( a bit)) about serving alcoholic drinks but my councelor told me this morning that it is perfectly OK to serve drinks...just to let him know and he can choose to come when he feels he'll be comfortable. Before or after dinner. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable serving drinks but I'm not going to let the rest of the family feel that they can't have a drink or two. This being co-dependant~~~not trusting~~~or being able to enjoy my own life is really getting hard. I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. So, what do you all feel about this. Thanks deedee for the response~~~I think I lost my response back to you. I couldn't find it. I'll work on figuring out this site when I have some time..Hugs and smiles, Bonnie:praying

Wascally Wabbit

The recovering addict or alcoholic must learn that the world does not revolve around their addiction. There is going to be alcohol or drugs every where you go. It is a concious decision to stay away from it.
It can be difficult if theres not enough recovery time behind them not to get tempted. But, it's still up to them. From my own experience, if we try to keep them safe from it, they will look for it and find it anyway if they are determinded to have it.
If you didn't serve alcohol at your party, so what? If son is determined to drink or drug, then he's gonna do it the day after the party.

That's just my experience. Maybe you could talk to him and ask him if he thinks he can handle it. If he can't, then perhaps he needs to be attending a meeting that evening! He does sound like he wants to be clean.

BBD

I was thinking the same thing. BUT~~Do I suggest a meeting to him before he comes over. By that time everyone will be done with the before dinner drinks, Our family is well into anything to make sure he has a good recovery....I'm not quite sure when we do stop worrying about what we do. Alanon is new to me and really so confusing. I love Chris and want him better more than anything. I don't want to put him in an unsafe place and your right saying he will get it anyway~~I just don't want to be the cause. Can you tell I'm codepentant??? Smiles, Bonnie

lggirl

Hi Bonnie, I have been in similiar situations with my ABF. Even his parents continue to have a drink with dinner when he is there. I also feel uncomfortable but if he's working his program there's nothing we can do but have faith. Take care.

BBD

Your bf's parents are doing the right thing......they are letting him control his life and thats where I need to be. It's so hard for me. This site is so wonderful. It'll be nice to have a place to come and vent, cry (if nessasary)) and just plain talk to someone. Is there anywhere on here that they have alanon meetings online?? Thanks, Bonnie

Wascally Wabbit

This says it all. There really is nothing we can do but have faith in our HP.
Warn him up front that there will be alcohol. Then, the rest is up to him.

Ann

Personally, out of respect I don't serve alcohol any time a recovering alcoholic is visiting. Nor would I serve a huge chocolate cake if a diabetic were coming to dinner...or lobster bisque if someone were allergic to lobster.

Sure they can choose, but it's just not that important to me to have to have something served that is unfavourable to the health of anyone there.

Those are my thoughts and just the way I am. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong, it just means that I think of all my guests when I decide what to serve.

Hugs

caileesnana

I'm w Ann. I may have a drink myself, but if I know someone is in recovery having it readily available is hurting them. I don't let my diabetic dad eat cakes and pies either! He does on his own, not w/ my help.

susan

LstInHISadictin

BBD, your concerns are valid and I am sure they are shared by many during this time of year. In my opinion, if your family always drinks on special occassions, you shouldnt change things. Although you are trying to protect him, his problem was with cocaine, not alcohol. He is going to be exposed to alcohol at every turn of the corner (literally, there are liquor stores on every corner). It is his problem, and he would probably feel even more uncomfortable knowing that no drinks were served on his account.

kj21

I think it is up to the family and friends. If they all know the situation, they can make up thier own minds whether to bring someting over to drink or not. Just like the addict can make his/her own decision to partake or not. Individual choices! As hard as it is to try to make sure nothing tempts them, it is going to be available somewhere. My exa will be coming to dinner, however, so is my father who has had wine with christmas dinner for the last 50 years, why should he not drink becouse my ex can't?? just my thoughts

Lobo

When I had Thanksgiving at my house I did serve alcoholic beverages. My RAD was there of course but she chose not to drink. Her problem is drugs more than alcohol. But none the less she told me that it has to be up to her as to what to do and not anyone else. So I left it at that and served the dinner wine.....she drank sparking cider.

It is funny that you borught up this subject because Christmas Eve is at my brothers house this year and I was thinking about the alcohol and wondering what she will do. I'm trying to let it go and let what will be...be.

lil516

When entertaining family and friends (i.e.holidays) i usually have some drink choices available but not like years ago when the bar was stocked and the blender was out etc...

these days its usually a glass of wine if someone wants...but the entertaining certainly doesn't revolve around the drinks or toasts

if it's immediate family (husband and sons) we usually by choice do not drink when with my RAS especially when it's his celebration...we went to a restaurant recently to celebrate his birthday and soft drinks were ordered all around...we've never actually discussed it but it happens spontaneously....

BBD

Thanks so much for all your heartfelt responses. I am going to have wine and beer and scotch for mom (82 years old)) and just let everyone serve themselves. That way I won't be repeating...what would you like to drink for an hour in the beginning of the evening. I'm hoping Chris just decided to come an hour or so later than everyone else and it won't be a big deal.....we have little ones running around also so usually the spotlight is on them..LOL Thanks again and Merry Christmas to everyone, Smiles, Bonnie

bookmiser

(((((((BBD)))))))



Lots of great wisdom before me. Just wanted to welcome you.
Invite ya back. Send lots of hugs and prayers up for you and your
son. My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
After his 5 year run with intravenous drug using, he wound up spending time in jail and got clean of it.
But, after his release he used alcohol as much and as often as he could.
It's different now, yes. He's seeing a doctor and counselor and is medicated with a bi-polar prognosis.
I'm with Ann. I just couldn't serve drinks around someone in recovery.
The "party" atmosphere, imho, would be too much of a temptation.
I'm a smoker. I quit for 6 months recently. 2 weeks ago I dreamed about smoking twice in one week. Woke up feeling the guilts like you wouldn't believe. Then the real test came. I was at work, on break. When I got up from the table and pushed in the chair, there on the floor under my chair, were cigarettes. Not my normal brand, mind you. But, to an addict, it doesn't matter diddley. I was being tested big time by HP and I failed. Miserably.
My husband says you can't fail miserably. I know you can.
I picked them up. Even though they belonged to a co-worker and stuck them in my coat pocket. All evening I thought about those stupid F'ing cigarettes in my coat. When I got off work, I went directly to the nearest convenience store, told the clerk what I was about to do, and asked for matches.
After the smoke, I called my husband and confessed. That was 1 week ago tomorrow. I am now kicking myself silly for what I did, but I did it. It's done and now I have to get up the courage to try again. And I will. Someday. lol
Keep comin' back,