marle

As you know I have been having a pretty good relationship with my AD. She came for Thanksgiving and we have been calling and texting occasionally. She was planning on coming for Christmas. After Thanksgiving we had a real heart to heart. With her telling me that she did not want me to think that she did not love me, that I was a great mom, that her addiction was her problem and nothing personal. Since then nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I am thinking that although we can't have a normal relationship, at least we both know that we are loved. Well this morning that all changed. She texted me at 7:30 right before I had to go to school to tell me she could not come for Christmas. I asked why and she told me because she hates Christmas. I can understand that and so I texted back that "Maybe next year and that I loved her and if she ever needed to talk, she could call." I then left for work. When I came home for lunch there was another text from her that just said, "Well, I don't love you." There was absolutely no need for her to hurt me that way. No need and try as I might I don't understand why she had to say that. She did not need to answer me back. She was already excused from Christmas so that was not her motive. That was just cruel and inexcusable on her part. I understand that she is an addict. I accept that she is where she is. I don't try to force recovery on her. She does not need to pick a fight to run away and use. She just wanted to hurt me and she succeeded. Marle

hello-kitty

Hi Marle. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt by her.

I read what you wrote about her coming home for Christmas and I was a little surprised that you believed her. Addicts lie so that they can continue using their drug of choice. She's using drugs right now and doesn't want to take time out for Christmas. Christmas doesn't really fit on an addicts schedule (unless someone gives them a stocking full of their DOC.)

Please don't take what your daughter says personally about loving you. She's on drugs. Truth be told she isn't functioning with a full brain right now. You don't know what she's up to or in to at the moment.

When your daughter chooses to get into recovery, she will make amends for all the things she's said and done. But until then, try to keep in your mind that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her illness.

marle

I am kind of figuring that things are not going her way and she just wants to dump her hurt on me. She has done similar things in the past and those times she was in some deep sh*t and wanted to throw the ball back in my court so that she could blame me. So maybe that is what is happening this time or maybe she was sending some drunken, blackout message. She drinks when she can't get her DOC and I have read a lot about alcoholics sending hateful and hurtful messages that they don't remember later. In the past I would have gotten into a p*ssing match with her, but I no longer will do that to myself. Maybe she just needed some drama, but I will not go there with her. I guess I will just wait and see what tomorrow brings. Marle

outonalimb

(((Marle))))))

Your daughter loves you.
I have absolutely NO DOUBT about this.

For some reason, people (not just addicts) lash out at the people they love the most. I'm sorry that her message hurt you so much but I'm damn proud of you for not getting sucked into the drama with her.

Sending hugs, support and strength...

marle

I have been thinking that she is probably in a bad place right now and hurting. Maybe even feeling a bit of guilt and that is why she needed to lash out. I have refused to be sucked back into the trying to rescue her. She knows that her dad and I have gotten back into a really good place in our lives. She knows that I am happy. They only reason she said what she did was to hurt me and there was not one reason why she needed to do this. She has even commented on how much I have changed and how happy she was to see us happy again. So what better thing for a miserable addict to do then to hurt the people that love her the most right before a holiday that is supposed to bring joy. And you know what, I am going to have a good holiday with or without her. I had invited her but had said a prayer to God that if she could not bring a good attitude that day, that I did not want the hassle. So maybe that was His way of answering me. Marle

GiveLove

Hugs to you, Marle. Let your HP show you what he means by all of this.

marle

It is true that she has always gotten what she wanted from me. When she was clean a couple of years ago, she was working a job that she didn't like and wanted to quit so she told me a story about how the boss was putting the moves on her and how miserable she was. Well if she quit her job, then her dad and I would have had to help her out and since we had just spent $3000 bailing her out three months previously I told her that she needed to keep that job until she found another one. Since that ploy did not work, she decided to tell me that she and her then boyfriend were going to move away. It was a lie but I did not know that and so I went to her apartment and begged her to reconsider. She threw in my face that any mother that loved her daughter would not tell her to stay in a job where she was being sexually harassed. I went for the bait and felt guilty and so I did more begging and pleading. She just acted cold and told me to take her dog because she did not want him anymore and that she did not love me or him anymore. I was beside myself but took the dog and went home. Well within the hour she was calling me back and asking me to take her to fill out applications for another job and telling me that if she got the other job that she might reconsider and stay. I used to put myself through hell to make her happy and what I have learned is that it never works and that she will just continue to manipulate me until she gets more and more. The one thing that her addiction has done for me was to wake me up to the fact that I can't make her happy and since I have stopped trying and started to focus my energy on me, I have had less anxiety and more serenity and she knows this. So once again she wants to be the focus and she will not be this time. I refuse to go back to that awful place that I was in in the past. Sorry to be so long winded, but typing this helps me to see that I can't go back to playing the games with her anymore. I told my husband that I could never imagine telling my mother that I don't love her out of the blue just to make her miserable. My daughter has problems Hugs, Marle

BigSis

Oh Marle - your instincts and insight sound right on track...


Keep trudging. You are in the right direction.


Lots and lots of love, from one mom to another.


((((hugs))))

caileesnana

I believe you are correct in that she is miserable and 'pointing the finger' at someone to blame. who better than the mom who loves her unconditionally.
When the vile, hurtful words come, it is not Megan, it's the drugs and evil talking through her. I know the hurt.

I'm so sorry,
susan

Lobo

((((Marle))))
I think you hit the nail on the head....she doesn't like that you are happy and surviving nicely without her. She wants you to be sad and obsessing over her like you used to. She picked one of the most hurtful things she could think of and that is to not love the new and improved mom. She wants the old insecure mom who was there for her every beck and call. She doesn't like it, and she has been around it lately and it doesn't suit her. She is no longer the center of attention. She can see that there is life in you without her.
Basically, Marle, your world does not revolve around her anymore. Of course she loves you, she just doesn't like that you have moved on with your life. The only way for her to express her dislike to you is a flat out I don't love you anymore. That pretty much sums up all of the things that she dislikes about your new behavior toward her.

I know it hurts, Marle, but change is never easy for any of us and she can't handle the change in you. So plain and simple....I just won't love her anymore and then she'll stand on her head to do whatever she can for me to love her once again. But, I know you aren't buying it.....so don't take it personal.

Take care of yourself and know that you are much loved............Lo

Done_With_It

(((Marle)))
Lots of wise words above me. I do think you can have a relationship with her, but her behavior lately has been pretty good. It's not that out of the ordinary for someone who is ingesting all the drugs she is to act out in the manner she did. Like you said there is also still that part of her that is trying to 'test' you, to see how much she can get out of you, especially since things have been good.
Your doing good though!~ (and of course she still loves you)
Glad to see you keeping your serenity through this.
Much love and light.

havehope

Hugs to you Marle
Good words before me. I know how her words must hurt you; and so does she. I bet she was waiting for you to return her text with some fightin' words, but your recovery and you came through with what was best - nothing!
My daughter said she wouldn't come for Christmas - BUT SHE WANTS HER PRESENTS!
It never amazes me what might come out of her mouth.
Early in recovery I would have told her a thing or two; but now I remain calm.
You have been a role model for many of us here. You still are!
Megan knows how to push your buttons, but is probably a bit surprised about you reaction.
Good for you.
HUGS

Lobo

Marle,
I just want to share a little something with you that happened to me.
One day my daughter and I were in the car and my son called me. Our converstion was lighthearted and fun. Talking about the baby (his little girl) and I was laughing about what he was telling me. Well, long story short....during my phone call I noticed my daughter slamming things around in the car like she was mad at something....well, when I hung up, I said is there something wrong.....she let me have it. Yeah, there is something wrong...I'm glad you can be soooo happy with your little happy self and and your happy, happy son and baby. I was shocked....I couldn't believe she was jealous of my happiness. I think she was so mirserable that she wanted me to be miserable with her and I wasn't going to be. Bottom line....if she is not happy then no one should be happy. My reaction.....yes, I am happy with my son and my little grandbaby and no one will ever take that away from me, not even you. End of story. Don't let her set you back, Marle.

Hugs.........Lo

WENDYLOST101

Marle, I am sorry she hurt but but please know that you are loved by many, including ME!(((Marle)))

rahsue

I'm so sorry she hurt you like that, but deep down you know it was a spur of the moment addict thing. I think the heart to heart around thanksgiving was the real deal. try not to fret about too much, your a good and loving mom and she knows it and you know it.

hugs and prayers

kj21

I am sorry she hurt you! I am glad you did not get in a pi$$ing match with her. It shows your recovery, good for you! I know it still hurts though, my hugs to you, and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

marle

In the past I would have reacted back to her with something hurtful and then I would have felt guilty and sucked up to her. She knows that I have never really felt loved by her except when I could give her things or fix her problems. Now that she has nothing to use against me the only thing that she thinks will hurt me is to tell me that she does not love me. The surprise is that we have been getting along, she has seemed to be pleased that I am not spending my days worrying about her. She has also said so many nice things lately. Been kind and respectful and keeping me up-to-date with her life. I think that I let my guard down a little and that is why it hurts. Next time I will be a little more careful or call the phone company and have them remove my ability to get and receive text messages. That way if she has something hurtful to say she can't hide behind texting to do it. Hugs, Marle

Done_With_It

kelsh

Marle,

That is the best idea I have heard today. I don't know anything about texting but it is easier to say something that way than ear to ear...I would suppose. I haven't had such things to handle with most of my kids...I just didn't hear from them if they were messed up...especially my youngest son. My youngest girl is moody and I just say something like " a hard day huh?"

Then she doesn't snap back at me...I tend to tell her or my husband that I am having a bad day....and apologize for my irritible behavior...I did tell my husband today that it seemed like he wanted me to do something for him every 10 minutes...he answered that he was going down stairs in a minute so that solved that.

For some reason I can't stand myself today and then my grandsons-the teens called to ask if they could come stay with us tomorrow night...they get out of school early and that perked me up and I know it will perk my husband up too. :ghug

We never know what is going to come our way next so it is always good to be able to go with the flow and count our blessings.

kelsh[/B]

Ann

(((Marle)))

She doesn't hate you, she hates herself right now. Telling her that you love her was a nice thing. She doesn't feel worthy of that love so wants you to take it back.

Just love her. She knows you do. That's enough for everyone right now.

Hugs