LstInHISadictin

Hi everyone. I am new here. This is my second day on this site and I can’t explain the overwhelming feeling of acceptance from everyone here. So, I wanted to start with THANKS.
When I made the decision to tell my fiancé’s parent about his addiction, I was scared. How do you tell these amazing and caring parents that their only remaining child is a heroin addict? It was hard, but I did it. Mainly because I finally came to the realization that his problem was MUCH bigger than I could handle. I had been struggling with it secretly, keeping it from my friends and family. His friends knew and he has amazing friends. I would speak with them and we would try everything in our power to make him stop. Maybe we should do an intervention? Maybe I should tell him I am postponing the wedding until he gets clean? Maybe I shouldn’t give him any cash? He probably just needs to get a job and keep himself busy? Should we send him to rehab? How will we afford it? We tried to do everything and we tried to do it secretly. Finally his addiction got so bad that it was evident to everyone that something wasn’t right. Why hasn’t he worked in 5 months? Have you noticed he is always sweating? He never wants to hang out and be social with his friends? Where is all the money going?

My friends and family gave ME an intervention. They told me I don’t deserve this from him, he doesn’t deserve me. I can get out now, I am not married, I don’t have children. I had been blind to everything that was going and was so wrapped up in trying to fix him and patrolling him to be sure he wasn’t using again. I had pushed my best friends away because I was embarrassed to let them know what I was going through. I wasn’t spending time with my family because he never felt well. He didn’t want to be around people because he couldn’t act normal. It finally hit me that I couldn’t help him on my own. I couldn’t do it.

I told his parents and they were devastated. I felt a sense of relief. I was no longer responsible for this all alone. His parents are there and they will help me and they will save him. I expected them to swoop in and fix everything. They didn’t. Actually they didn’t do anything immediately. They cried and they said they were going to talk to someone and figure out what to do. Then they started calling me “how does he look today?” “he stopped by here earlier and he looked normal” “be sure to call us if he doesn’t look OK” WHAT??? I just told you that your only son is a heroin addict. This isn’t a game. I cant parole him anymore. I don’t know what fine or OK looks like. He hasn’t been fine or OK for years now. I finally took a stand and told them that they needed to do something TODAY. I was packing my stuff and moving out. I couldn’t be with him anymore like this.

They sent him to rehab (detox) for 5 days. I spent a lot of that time going with them to visit him and talking with them about everything I’d been through in the past. They told me they were so sorry that I had been struggling with this all alone and that I could always tell them anything. Now he is out of rehab and he says he is clean. I just don’t know. It’s only been 2 weeks. The pain of all the lies and deception are still fresh. I have NO trust. I have caught him in a few lies about money. He told me he gave back some money he’d borrowed from his parents and so he needed more for gas. I called his parents and turns out, he never paid them back. This all back fires on me. His parents believe he is clean. They haven’t experienced the lies and deception first hand. He tells them that he lied to me about the money because he is afraid to spend any money in fear that I will assume he is using again. They believe him and tell me that I need to start to trust him again.

I know this is horribly long, but the bottom line is that I feel alone again. That is why I am here. I feel like his parents choose to write my concerns off because they want so badly to believe that he is better. He told them that he doesn’t want to use again, so why would he? He lost his job yesterday. I cried and they all told me that it was going to be OK. I feel that he is empowered because they believe him and that I am alone again. He is supposedly clean and everything is supposed to be OK, but I still have uncontrollable anxiety about it. I wish someone could tell me that he was going to stay clean forever and that we would have the life that we both deserve together. At this point, I feel I should be happy. he went to rehab and he is “clean.” Why cant I just put on a happy face and accept his “recovery” as his parents do? I've been through all the hell and now we're on a positive path. I dont know why it hurts more now than it did before.

tryingtoheal

I'm sorry for this 'new' sense of pain you are feeling. I know this is not going to be very comforting, but it sounds to me like his parents are in a semi-denial...they 'fixed' him and now everything can go back to 'normal' (in their eyes). For everyone's sake, I hope this is true. However, I think what you are feeling is totally OK. You have to go through a process to feel better about the situation, and that is not going to happen in only a few days. What was built over a long period of time (trust, love, etc.) was torn down probably much quicker. You and he will have to build that foundation again, and it may take longer this time. I wish you the best. Please stick around here, and we'll all support you through this!

kj0975

All he did was detox at rehab. Opiate w/d's tend to last a little more than 5 days. Getting clean is the easy part staying clean is the hard part. There are cravings then as an addict we think differently we think since we have been clean the high will be incredible so we use again and get sucked back in again and the cycle continues. Did he really want to quit using or did he just go to please everyone? The addict has to WANT to get clean. What program or what is he doing for himself to maintain sobriety?

I dont blame you for not trusting him 5 days is nothing to be clean for. Do you really want to marry someone you dont trust? Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop? Wondering where he is what he is doing and where his money is? Just a few things to think about.

LstInHISadictin

He said he really wanted to quit. He didnt put up a struggle when his parents confronted him about rehab. I honestly think he did want to get help, but I dont think that is enough. The first week he was out he went to one NA meeting. Someone bought him the books and he got a keychain and a list of names. He hasnt opened the books and as far as I know he hasnt contacted anyone. I posted last night when he was supposedly at his second NA meeting. I dont think he even went. I just have a gut feeling.

I DONT want to marry someone that I cant trust. I DONT want this life for me and for my family. I dont want to bring children into this situation. I feel like I am waiting for an answer... when will I know if he is going to stay clean or not? Why cant I just make this decision to leave now and forget about it all? Why take the risk, right? I dont know. I am still here and I dont really have a plan to leave. I feel powerless. I feel like my future lies in whether or not he decides to use again or not.

kj0975

I think you answered your own ? this isnt what you want for you or your future. I see so many people who think things will change once they get married or have kids and it doesnt change and it doesnt get easier. It get worse and they end up buried in debt and as a single parent. Follow your gut its usually right on. Remember addicts are great at manipulating and telling people what they want to hear. Actions speak louder than words let his actions show that he wasnt to be clean and let his actions EARN your trust. From where I sit his actions arent showing either of the things your trust or his sobriety.

rahsue

my son is a heroin addict.... 2 weeks clean is not really clean, he needs at least 30 days just to get the opiate out of his system, then comes the mental addiction which from what I'm told is worse than the physical addiction. so with this in mind watch your money and belongings they will disappear. the lies will continue. You need to answer a question, do you want to go through this?

good luck

Stellargirl

Dear Lost in His addiction,
I am new here too and I can relate to what you are saying. I know you feel powerless right now, but you are not. You need to get your friends to support you to let go. I think you deserve better. I think it would be better to cut your losses and go. That is just my opinion, so take it for what it is.
Will you honestly ever be able to trust him again? I just broke up with my coke addict/alcoholic bf and I know I can never go back because he lied to me about using. Thats not a strong foundation for a relationship. I know right now is really difficult, it is for me too. I thought I might marry my ex but I am so glad I got out now and I think one day, if you do trust your gut and leave, you will be able to say the exact same thing: I am so glad I got out.

Relationships are hard enough when two honest, non-addict people get together. Do you want to be dealing with this the rest of your life?
Because you will, he is an addict. I know you love him, I know this is hard. But Do you love yourself? Now is the time to focus on what you want, you are strong and brave otherwise you wouldn't have been able to tell his parents. But it sounds like your in limbo. Perhaps one day he will get clean and when he does MAYBE you can give it another go. But I would give him a time frame like 3 months, 6 months clean and we can think about dating again. Who knows maybe once he's clean, you won't like him anymore?

Take the power back, girlfriend! You have the power, it is within you!
Do you really want to marry and raise children with a heroin addict?

I hope this wasn't too brutal. I am just trying to help and some of what I said is also what I need to hear.
So, did you pack up and move your stuff out yet?

Best of Luck and Keep Writing, You are not alone. There are many of us here struggling with a similar thing as you.

Stellargirl

BBD

Hi~~You really sound devesated by your post and my heart goes out to you. I am the parent of a cocaine user and he used long before I found out. You have to give his parents a bit of time to digest all this and as a family they should be going to alanon meetings. I also suggest that for yourself. I remember my first one. I sat in the parking lot wondering what kind of people would show up. I was surprised to see many moms looking just like me and after the meeting was over I knew I'd joined a new family that would help with this recovery. My son spent 8 weeks in recovery this summer and I'm just praying he's OK....Alanon has taught me not to question him daily and to take care of myself.. It's hard and I'm still working on it but as I have seen~~~there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Smiles, Bonnie

BBD

Hi~~You really sound devesated by your post and my heart goes out to you. I am the parent of a cocaine user and he used long before I found out. You have to give his parents a bit of time to digest all this and as a family they should be going to alanon meetings. I also suggest that for yourself. I remember my first one. I sat in the parking lot wondering what kind of people would show up. I was surprised to see many moms looking just like me and after the meeting was over I knew I'd joined a new family that would help with this recovery. My son spent 8 weeks in recovery this summer and I'm just praying he's OK....Alanon has taught me not to question him daily and to take care of myself.. It's hard and I'm still working on it but as I have seen~~~there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Smiles, Bonnie

cece1960

I was one of "those" parents.
If there was any way I could paint a pretty picture over the reality of what was going on, I would. It was a temporary fix at best, until the truth of my son's addiction came crashing down on me.

There have been times I've asked myself:
"If I was addicted to something, and wanted it bad enough, would I take advantage of the opportunities given to me by those I love, even though it would hurt them?" The answer is "you bet".
He's being given money, food, shelter and trust, regardless of his actions. Is there really any reason to stop?

I wish I had answers too as I still struggle with trying to determine where my son is in his life. But I can't predict my future or his.

Maybe you could step back and give yourself time to think things out. Leaving the chaos doesn't mean you've "dumped" him or your plans for the future. But by stepping back and putting everything on hold, you may be able to make decisions with a clearer head.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life.
I wish you the very best
(((Hugs)))
Cece

GiveLove

Lost,

It's harder now because you thought you had The Answer -- that his parents could step in, fix everything, he'd go to rehab, never use again, and all would live happily ever after. You wanted this so badly.....and unfortunately (as much as this hurts) that's not addiction works.

My sister was the heroin addict in my family. She went through four separate rehab programs, each one lasting several weeks. She always went back eventually, and ended up losing her job, her friends (from all the lies), her home, her possessions (from pawning them to buy drugs) and her life.

This is what heroin does. It is much, much bigger than you are.

You cannot save him. He has to really hit rock bottom and decide that he wants to turn his life around. Until he does, you will be living hell with him. Read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. Learn "what addicts do" because that could very well be where you are headed.

You cannot save him, but you can save yourself. Am I'm not talking about dumping him cold (though that would not be unreasonable, given what you've been put through already). I'm talking about admitting to yourself that you are responsible for only one person in this life: YOU. You can only control where you go, who you marry, who fathers your children, what dreams you want to come true. You can separate yourself from him until he has at least a year of sobriety and truly working a program under his belt, and then revisit what you two might do as a couple. Nothing is a given; trust might be permanently broken. But that would be a start.

His parents are not there to save you. YOU are there to save you, and you must do that. You are not helping him by giving him money, making it okay to not have a job, and glossing over his lies. You are making it worse for both of you, by giving him a cushy place to be when he's not sticking a needle in his arm.

There's an expression here: "Let go, or be dragged." It's a wise one.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and while I hope that he finds his way, more importantly I hope you find yours. We are all here for you.

tryingtoheal

Lost in His Addiction, I don't mean to throw a quirk in the thought process that is going on in this thread, but I have a little 'optimist' issue in which I always try to see the sunny side (this works against me often ).

Everyone had some great points above, and you can feel free to disregard what I say if you so choose...

...but what if he is one of the rare people that really don't need to work a program to stay sober? I know the possibility of this is small, but I say have a little faith! As stated above, he has not been sober long enough for it to be out of his system. Don't make any massive decisions right now, as you are in limbo. If you are strong enough to risk your heart one last chance, what is the hurt...? Take some time to let life happen (but protect yourself in case everyone above is right!) Take as much or as little time as it takes. Is your love for him worth it? Only you know...just make sure to keep in mind all that was said above!!

Maybe you can sort your feelings out better if you give yourself some more time to absorb all this stuff, give him a window of opportunity to prove himself to you and his family, and then decide what you need to do about your relationship with him. This is only my opinion, only YOU can decide if you have had enough of his sh*t, and only YOU can decide if he is worth you putting your heart on the line one last time.

So ya'll don't think I am coming from left field, let me reassure you that there are indeed people who can quit and stay sober without a program...I am one of them!! I have absolutely nothing against working a program; it just wasn't for me. (I am no saint!! Just one of those big nerds who loves self-improvement books and stuff...so maybe I am working my own little devised program...) I don't know if your bf can do this (or if he should do this). I have no clue where he is at thinking-wise, desire to change, etc.

In my situation, I was 'forced' into rehab by my family. I agreed to go to appease them; I wanted to quit, but I wanted/needed to continue using even more. However, after the WD's ended (about six days after my very last use), I could suddenly see myself for what I had become...a selfish, apathetic, monster. I was so horrified by what I had become, how my attitude had morphed terribly, etc. that I just decided then and there that I was NOT going to continue being that using monster. I dropped out of rehab; I never go to NA meetings; and I am sober. Not only sober, but I am back to me, the person I was before I started using. Friends and family have all commented like, "The old you is back!"

I totally respect that everyone above is telling the cold hard truth for their situations; I guess I just wanted to offer another line of thinking in the matter. This whole situation sucks, and I am so sad that everyone who wrote above had to hurt so badly in order to get to the level of strength at which they are at today. I pray that your hurting stops, Lost in His Addiction. Thank heaven for this forum!!!