Anger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Anger
Spinning outta control
Pent up, wound so tight
Held it
Nursed it
It made me strong.
Gave me courage.
And now it seems to be leaking out.
A little bit here
A little bit there
Oh God how can things have been like that...
...been so wrong.
That small child crying
Head held under pillow
Praying, wishing for the yelling to stop
Wishing he would go away
Wishing she would say something anything
To make it Stop.
I've come so far God
I've been strong for so, so long.
And now it seems to be turning, turning, churning, churning.
Supper was good, the baby fed.
Bathtime joys and inside
I just feel dead...
Afraid to breath, scared to smile
Wooden hearted. Lead.
Somedays You feel so close
and others its like am all alone, trying still trying
To make a home.
Stop them fighting, make them stop
So tired
So very tired.
Show me God.....show me the path
Help me for
I can not do it alone any longer.
***********
Today was a rough day. So many things from the past running through my head. So long, so much I been holding on too.
I am angry today. I feel ripped off. And confused.
It has not been an easy road.....my mother is now in recovery.....after SO many years of turning a blind eye to the pain we all went through.....she is now starting to deal with it......and its great you know.......its really great. Just that for me......its like so many years too late.
My father still drinks, though he is tame now compared to when we were small. Remarried and I love his new wife. He is old....very old.....and I wonder how long we have with him. In my twenties I did a lot of work around my mother and my father. They were both drinking then and their lives were just a mess. He would always cut her down and belittle her and she would never stand up for herself. Just drink some more.
Now, its like she talks to me.....but I can't say so much to her because my father is still in my life. He still drinks....one day he will die from the effects....heart, lungs, they are all going. I am, sole-supporting my family and Cathy and Dad are close by doing their thing....and I love them. I love my mother too. Am just so tired of being, of feeling in the middle. My mother is starting to come to terms with some of what happened back then and blames my Dad for so very much. Lots of it I am sure was his fault....but I feel so much like shouting at her "WAKE-UP MOM! IT WAS YOU TOO!" and I can't mention the new wife. Though through her I have learned so much.
Just angry.....so much anger. I held the baby tonight after working and cleaning and working. I feel unable to set boundaries in my own house now. Afraid to yell at my kids, afraid to set rules......time outs......for hitting......and they say 'no'.....and I feel so very powerless. Three generations here.
People, I am sure I am not the only person who goes through this. Maybe in different ways......but I really need some ideas here. I am so very angry with everything.....and I need to figure out what to do with this.......how to, can I, pick it all back up and dust it and put it back into the box? I don't think I can. Its sorta like a suitcase that is packed so tightly that when you open it and take out a dress.....well, nothing just fits back right again you know?
So what do I do with this anger?
Pent up, wound so tight
Held it
Nursed it
It made me strong.
Gave me courage.
And now it seems to be leaking out.
A little bit here
A little bit there
Oh God how can things have been like that...
...been so wrong.
That small child crying
Head held under pillow
Praying, wishing for the yelling to stop
Wishing he would go away
Wishing she would say something anything
To make it Stop.
I've come so far God
I've been strong for so, so long.
And now it seems to be turning, turning, churning, churning.
Supper was good, the baby fed.
Bathtime joys and inside
I just feel dead...
Afraid to breath, scared to smile
Wooden hearted. Lead.
Somedays You feel so close
and others its like am all alone, trying still trying
To make a home.
Stop them fighting, make them stop
So tired
So very tired.
Show me God.....show me the path
Help me for
I can not do it alone any longer.
***********
Today was a rough day. So many things from the past running through my head. So long, so much I been holding on too.
I am angry today. I feel ripped off. And confused.
It has not been an easy road.....my mother is now in recovery.....after SO many years of turning a blind eye to the pain we all went through.....she is now starting to deal with it......and its great you know.......its really great. Just that for me......its like so many years too late.
My father still drinks, though he is tame now compared to when we were small. Remarried and I love his new wife. He is old....very old.....and I wonder how long we have with him. In my twenties I did a lot of work around my mother and my father. They were both drinking then and their lives were just a mess. He would always cut her down and belittle her and she would never stand up for herself. Just drink some more.
Now, its like she talks to me.....but I can't say so much to her because my father is still in my life. He still drinks....one day he will die from the effects....heart, lungs, they are all going. I am, sole-supporting my family and Cathy and Dad are close by doing their thing....and I love them. I love my mother too. Am just so tired of being, of feeling in the middle. My mother is starting to come to terms with some of what happened back then and blames my Dad for so very much. Lots of it I am sure was his fault....but I feel so much like shouting at her "WAKE-UP MOM! IT WAS YOU TOO!" and I can't mention the new wife. Though through her I have learned so much.
Just angry.....so much anger. I held the baby tonight after working and cleaning and working. I feel unable to set boundaries in my own house now. Afraid to yell at my kids, afraid to set rules......time outs......for hitting......and they say 'no'.....and I feel so very powerless. Three generations here.
People, I am sure I am not the only person who goes through this. Maybe in different ways......but I really need some ideas here. I am so very angry with everything.....and I need to figure out what to do with this.......how to, can I, pick it all back up and dust it and put it back into the box? I don't think I can. Its sorta like a suitcase that is packed so tightly that when you open it and take out a dress.....well, nothing just fits back right again you know?
So what do I do with this anger?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
(((((Taira))))))
I have posted a lot about my anger and I understand how you feel. Somedays it feels like I will never be over it. But I also recognize that focusing too much on the anger is keeping me stuck in the past. While I still have issues with mom that are occuring today, mostly it's past stuff that I struggle with and in order to move forward I've had to try to come to terms with all of it.
For me, I don't think it means putting it back in the box. Besides, once I let it out of the box it exploded - now it's too big for the box!!! I was angry. I am angry. But I'm also learning compassion - to have compassion for my parents and their struggle and accepting that they did the best they could under the circumstances. And the more compassion I have, the better I'm able to offset the anger. I think like everything else it's about balance and acceptance and recognizing that what's done is done. And though we have struggled, we've all done ok, more than ok in fact, in spite of it all.
Keep taking it one day at a time.
Hugs,
JG
I have posted a lot about my anger and I understand how you feel. Somedays it feels like I will never be over it. But I also recognize that focusing too much on the anger is keeping me stuck in the past. While I still have issues with mom that are occuring today, mostly it's past stuff that I struggle with and in order to move forward I've had to try to come to terms with all of it.
For me, I don't think it means putting it back in the box. Besides, once I let it out of the box it exploded - now it's too big for the box!!! I was angry. I am angry. But I'm also learning compassion - to have compassion for my parents and their struggle and accepting that they did the best they could under the circumstances. And the more compassion I have, the better I'm able to offset the anger. I think like everything else it's about balance and acceptance and recognizing that what's done is done. And though we have struggled, we've all done ok, more than ok in fact, in spite of it all.
Keep taking it one day at a time.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((((((Taira)))))))))
I don't know how old your kids are, but mine are 13 to 22, every other year. They are turning out so great! I won't say I'm an expert on kids--and how to deal with them--but maybe I can give you a little insight on what I've seen.
First of all--don't shut them out. Let them know why you are acting irrationally--they will understand even at the age of, say, 4. "Honey--I know I've been a real jerk today, and I know you have tried to do everything right, in hopes I won't act so crazy, but a lot has been going on lately. I'm feeling like I have so much to take care of by myself. You are such a good girl/boy, and I am so thankful I have you. I hope you understand my bad mood is not your fault. Sometimes grownups don't know how to act when they are hurting." You can gather them around you, and let them know what your requirements are from them. Obedience, no fighting, taking on their little responsibilities. Let them know the consequences and stick to them.
As far as the anger goes--we have a lot of that. I read awhile back about having a "spirit of anger". So, I turned my anger over to God, asking him to cast out the spirit of anger in my life. It really helped! I've also prayed with my children during some of their really angry moments--it really brought them peace!
You don't need to play the middle-man in your parents lives! I know you want them in your life, and feel responsible for so much, but you don't have to own their problems. Let them know you need a break from some of it.
I really believe so much of the problems we have is lack of communication, or wrong communication. This can be both by mouth, and by body language.
There is also the need for forgiveness. If we allow ourselves to be eaten up by the pain we remember, that's what it will do--eat us up! It gnaws at us. Face it, and let it go! I know that sounds easier than it is sometimes.
I have a nephew that has been hurt over and over by his mom, and his step-mom. I once told him that something I've seen is that not everyone is cut out to be a parent! Many do a really rotten job of it! That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you! That doesn't mean you have to somehow make them into a better parent! It's not about you--you are great! It's a problem within that person. They may not know how to love their children, nurture them, raise them. It's not your fault! Don't take the blame. If they don't love you, it doesn't mean you are unlovable! It means they can't love like they should.
I hope this helps...... have a better day!
Lyn
First of all--don't shut them out. Let them know why you are acting irrationally--they will understand even at the age of, say, 4. "Honey--I know I've been a real jerk today, and I know you have tried to do everything right, in hopes I won't act so crazy, but a lot has been going on lately. I'm feeling like I have so much to take care of by myself. You are such a good girl/boy, and I am so thankful I have you. I hope you understand my bad mood is not your fault. Sometimes grownups don't know how to act when they are hurting." You can gather them around you, and let them know what your requirements are from them. Obedience, no fighting, taking on their little responsibilities. Let them know the consequences and stick to them.
As far as the anger goes--we have a lot of that. I read awhile back about having a "spirit of anger". So, I turned my anger over to God, asking him to cast out the spirit of anger in my life. It really helped! I've also prayed with my children during some of their really angry moments--it really brought them peace!
You don't need to play the middle-man in your parents lives! I know you want them in your life, and feel responsible for so much, but you don't have to own their problems. Let them know you need a break from some of it.
I really believe so much of the problems we have is lack of communication, or wrong communication. This can be both by mouth, and by body language.
There is also the need for forgiveness. If we allow ourselves to be eaten up by the pain we remember, that's what it will do--eat us up! It gnaws at us. Face it, and let it go! I know that sounds easier than it is sometimes.
I have a nephew that has been hurt over and over by his mom, and his step-mom. I once told him that something I've seen is that not everyone is cut out to be a parent! Many do a really rotten job of it! That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you! That doesn't mean you have to somehow make them into a better parent! It's not about you--you are great! It's a problem within that person. They may not know how to love their children, nurture them, raise them. It's not your fault! Don't take the blame. If they don't love you, it doesn't mean you are unlovable! It means they can't love like they should.
I hope this helps...... have a better day!
Lyn
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I too understand anger. I think I was at my most angry as I came out of denial. When my eyes began to open and I looked around for the first time at the shambles that my life had become I was DAMN angry!!
The anger began to lessen in direct relation to my increasing acceptance. Life just is. It isn't always fair...it isn't always sunshine.
My son is my alcoholic and I have had to separate almost completely from him. He has his life and we have ours. I can hug him and tell him I love him when I see him, I can wish him well but not participate in his chaos.
Hugs,
JT
The anger began to lessen in direct relation to my increasing acceptance. Life just is. It isn't always fair...it isn't always sunshine.
My son is my alcoholic and I have had to separate almost completely from him. He has his life and we have ours. I can hug him and tell him I love him when I see him, I can wish him well but not participate in his chaos.
Hugs,
JT
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