why do we stay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
why do we stay
I wan't planning on posting, but as i read through some threads, i felt a need.
So many good people worrying, hurting , crying secretly over their keypads. Searching for hope. Searching for a flicker of love to shine through and make their light bulbs go off. I wonder what makes us so compelled to stay with our addicts. They are deceptive. They twist our thinking. They can stare at us straight in the eyes, and lie. I am sure that there are nights that many of us roll over on our sides, and let the tears fall quietly , as our addict seems to sleep peacefully. So I ask again, why do we torture our selves, why do we stay?
I think it has something to do with love, fear, hope. Mostly i think it has something to do with God. only God knows why we are where we are. There is a reason. there is a reason why we don't turn around and run. There is a reason we continue to hold their hands. I just wonder what gods plans really are. Maybe he is trying to make us stronger. Maybe he is trying to help the addict.. to see people who really care. I am not sure what his plans are.. after all only God knows, right?
So many good people worrying, hurting , crying secretly over their keypads. Searching for hope. Searching for a flicker of love to shine through and make their light bulbs go off. I wonder what makes us so compelled to stay with our addicts. They are deceptive. They twist our thinking. They can stare at us straight in the eyes, and lie. I am sure that there are nights that many of us roll over on our sides, and let the tears fall quietly , as our addict seems to sleep peacefully. So I ask again, why do we torture our selves, why do we stay?
I think it has something to do with love, fear, hope. Mostly i think it has something to do with God. only God knows why we are where we are. There is a reason. there is a reason why we don't turn around and run. There is a reason we continue to hold their hands. I just wonder what gods plans really are. Maybe he is trying to make us stronger. Maybe he is trying to help the addict.. to see people who really care. I am not sure what his plans are.. after all only God knows, right?
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I stayed because I did not know. After he left I cried because I did not think anyone else could love me.
I went through the torture because I let the way I felt about someone else so consume me that I lost who I was.
My Addict has been gone for over a year now and gone 8 months since I found out about ALL the lies and the CHEATING. He seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.
and, today, I can say I will never again stay in a relationship where I get lost. I can say today that IF he is gone from the face of this earth, the earth is a better and safer place for all.
Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Distance allows us to reach or own potential before moving forwardout of the morass and the sucking muck of that swamp and into the meadow filled with light.
I will never stay in that dark swamp again. Not for anyone.
I went through the torture because I let the way I felt about someone else so consume me that I lost who I was.
My Addict has been gone for over a year now and gone 8 months since I found out about ALL the lies and the CHEATING. He seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth.
and, today, I can say I will never again stay in a relationship where I get lost. I can say today that IF he is gone from the face of this earth, the earth is a better and safer place for all.
Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Distance allows us to reach or own potential before moving forwardout of the morass and the sucking muck of that swamp and into the meadow filled with light.
I will never stay in that dark swamp again. Not for anyone.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((hundow))
Sometimes, the forest is so big that we can't see it because of the trees. Sometimes, we only see our own little piece of a 1000 piece puzzle, but as it comes togeather, we see a bigger picture.
I've been struggling with some issues about my life lately, and what I did last night, was sit down and write out a list. It started out with things I liked about my life vs. things I disliked about my life. When I was done, I was upset to realize that my dislike side was huge and my like side was small. I didn't know how much I really don't like my life. So today, I've decided to go down that list and figure out what things I can change, which ones I can't, and I plan to go to work on the ones that I can change. It's going to take some time to work through all of them. My pain is what brought me to that list, without it, I probably would still be doing nothing to change anything. It also has led me back to a faith that I had abandonded.
I believe there is a reason for everything.
B
Sometimes, the forest is so big that we can't see it because of the trees. Sometimes, we only see our own little piece of a 1000 piece puzzle, but as it comes togeather, we see a bigger picture.
I've been struggling with some issues about my life lately, and what I did last night, was sit down and write out a list. It started out with things I liked about my life vs. things I disliked about my life. When I was done, I was upset to realize that my dislike side was huge and my like side was small. I didn't know how much I really don't like my life. So today, I've decided to go down that list and figure out what things I can change, which ones I can't, and I plan to go to work on the ones that I can change. It's going to take some time to work through all of them. My pain is what brought me to that list, without it, I probably would still be doing nothing to change anything. It also has led me back to a faith that I had abandonded.
I believe there is a reason for everything.
B
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by hundow08 
I wan't planning on posting, but as i read through some threads, i felt a need.
So many good people worrying, hurting , crying secretly over their keypads. Searching for hope. Searching for a flicker of love to shine through and make their light bulbs go off. I wonder what makes us so compelled to stay with our addicts. They are deceptive. They twist our thinking. They can stare at us straight in the eyes, and lie. I am sure that there are nights that many of us roll over on our sides, and let the tears fall quietly , as our addict seems to sleep peacefully. So I ask again, why do we torture our selves, why do we stay?
I think it has something to do with love, fear, hope. Mostly i think it has something to do with God. only God knows why we are where we are. There is a reason. there is a reason why we don't turn around and run. There is a reason we continue to hold their hands. I just wonder what gods plans really are. Maybe he is trying to make us stronger. Maybe he is trying to help the addict.. to see people who really care. I am not sure what his plans are.. after all only God knows, right?
So many good people worrying, hurting , crying secretly over their keypads. Searching for hope. Searching for a flicker of love to shine through and make their light bulbs go off. I wonder what makes us so compelled to stay with our addicts. They are deceptive. They twist our thinking. They can stare at us straight in the eyes, and lie. I am sure that there are nights that many of us roll over on our sides, and let the tears fall quietly , as our addict seems to sleep peacefully. So I ask again, why do we torture our selves, why do we stay?
I think it has something to do with love, fear, hope. Mostly i think it has something to do with God. only God knows why we are where we are. There is a reason. there is a reason why we don't turn around and run. There is a reason we continue to hold their hands. I just wonder what gods plans really are. Maybe he is trying to make us stronger. Maybe he is trying to help the addict.. to see people who really care. I am not sure what his plans are.. after all only God knows, right?
Sometimes I hate myself for the years lost to them, you mentioned sleeping peacefully, I never had any peace, I can find no reason why I stayed.
It is just in my path I have to believe, you said maybe God is trying to help the addict see that people really care, for me I think he wanted me to help people who are walking where I was. But I couldn't have gotten there if it weren't for people like you. Because yes, I did forget people cared, Meth really did break me.
That's what I believe.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Oh, Miss Done, so many of your posts have helped me more than you know. I hope you have peace now, and I hope you know people really do care about you.
Hundow, I sure wish I had the answers. I know this is a very difficult time of the year. We all have the memories of who our addict was before the drugs...I think that's why I still have hope. As you say, only God knows.
(((hundow)))
Hundow, I sure wish I had the answers. I know this is a very difficult time of the year. We all have the memories of who our addict was before the drugs...I think that's why I still have hope. As you say, only God knows.
(((hundow)))
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Elana's first sentance: I stayed because I didn't know.
Now that's exactly why I stayed.
I didn't know it was their journey, not mine.
I was scared to leave, scared to stay. Confused.
Once I got a taste of life without an addict, it was pure peace.
I just didn't know I could have that peace before alanon. I thought it was a normal way to live.
Now that's exactly why I stayed.
I didn't know it was their journey, not mine.
I was scared to leave, scared to stay. Confused.
Once I got a taste of life without an addict, it was pure peace.
I just didn't know I could have that peace before alanon. I thought it was a normal way to live.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
I sit here tonight crying while he was at his NA meeting. At least that is where he says he is. I dont even know. Everyone tells me I should go to Alanon, but I cant bring myself to sit in front of people and tell them how I'm feeling. It feels like his problem is my problem. Somehow I am embarassed. I am embarassed that the man I have accepted a ring from and whom I am scheduled to marry in 5 months is a herion addict. So I found this website and I've been reading a little about what everyone is going through. It is helpful to hear I am not the only one that stays.
Why do we stay?
I've asked myself since this whole thing started. I dont know.
He even asks me why I stay. I dont know.
Is it because I love him so much? More than I love myself? Because as a logical thought process, I would assume that if I loved myself more than I loved him--I would leave. Bottom line. I'm still here. He's drained my savings, stolen checks, spent all our wedding money, lied and lied and lied. I dont believe a word he says. I have not an ounce of trust in the man I am supposed to marry in less than 5 months.
I have never messed up. I have always done well in school, had a sports scholarship to college, got a great job. I am responsible. I am loyal. I am a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker, employee, and now I am a good fiance--I am standing by him "for better or for worse."
But here is the thing, I dont know how much more I can take, but I cant leave--and I dont know why. I also dont see the end of all the pain and struggling. I dont see how I am ever going to trust him again. I am scared to marry him and have children because I dont want this for my kids and I dont want this pain for the rest of my life. My friends tell me that I am lucky that I dont have kids with him yet and that there is still time for me to get out--he is bringing me down and I need to think of myself. I cant do it. I dont know why I stay.
He went to rehab and now he says he is clean. I cant believe him. He lied so many times I just dont believe him. He passed a drug test the other day and I dont believe the test. Everytime he is 5 minutes late, spends $40, or he wants to do something without me, I think DRUGS. I dont know how to know that he is clean w/out being his parol officer and checking up on everything he does. I cant have time with my friends and family because I am so worried that he is doing drugs.
I dont know what to do or where to turn and I dont know why I stay.
Why do we stay?
I've asked myself since this whole thing started. I dont know.
He even asks me why I stay. I dont know.
Is it because I love him so much? More than I love myself? Because as a logical thought process, I would assume that if I loved myself more than I loved him--I would leave. Bottom line. I'm still here. He's drained my savings, stolen checks, spent all our wedding money, lied and lied and lied. I dont believe a word he says. I have not an ounce of trust in the man I am supposed to marry in less than 5 months.
I have never messed up. I have always done well in school, had a sports scholarship to college, got a great job. I am responsible. I am loyal. I am a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker, employee, and now I am a good fiance--I am standing by him "for better or for worse."
But here is the thing, I dont know how much more I can take, but I cant leave--and I dont know why. I also dont see the end of all the pain and struggling. I dont see how I am ever going to trust him again. I am scared to marry him and have children because I dont want this for my kids and I dont want this pain for the rest of my life. My friends tell me that I am lucky that I dont have kids with him yet and that there is still time for me to get out--he is bringing me down and I need to think of myself. I cant do it. I dont know why I stay.
He went to rehab and now he says he is clean. I cant believe him. He lied so many times I just dont believe him. He passed a drug test the other day and I dont believe the test. Everytime he is 5 minutes late, spends $40, or he wants to do something without me, I think DRUGS. I dont know how to know that he is clean w/out being his parol officer and checking up on everything he does. I cant have time with my friends and family because I am so worried that he is doing drugs.
I dont know what to do or where to turn and I dont know why I stay.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 20
Nice to meet you all. I tried to reply to some PMs, but apparently I need to have a few more posts before I can PM.
He is home from NA now. Arrived around 8:15 from a 7:00 meeting. I thought they were an hour and half? Who knows. He was probably there.
I'll be back here tomorrow at work to read some more and try to figure out where I stand in this whole mess. Thanks for the kind words and the support. I look forward to learning and helping and sharing with everyone here.
He is home from NA now. Arrived around 8:15 from a 7:00 meeting. I thought they were an hour and half? Who knows. He was probably there.
I'll be back here tomorrow at work to read some more and try to figure out where I stand in this whole mess. Thanks for the kind words and the support. I look forward to learning and helping and sharing with everyone here.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I stayed because I thought he'd be able to stop everytime he promised me he would.
I stayed because he went to rehab and I thought this was it...he's finally getting the help he needed.
I stayed because I made marriage vows.
I stayed because I had to try every which way to manipulate the surroundings, try to control what was around me, hoping, wishing that something would work.
I stayed because I had to try to be enough....the reason he would need to stop.
I stayed because I made reasons for why I was staying and should stay.
I stayed because I didn't know how to get off the merry go 'round.
I stayed because I was scared to leave.
I stayed because I loved him more than I loved myself.
Until......I finally realized I was just as sick as he was.....repeating actions, behaviors, .... over and over again, not knowing how and when to stop. That's when I started loving myself more and stayed for me because I had to become ready to call it quits. I came here for support and got it...(Thank you everyone here at SR). I went to meetings and actually listened and released what I had trapped inside of me for so long. I accepted that my addict was what he was and I couldn't change that but I could change me and my actions and behaviors. I finally became strong enough to leave our marriage. After going back and forth for so long I finally had the papers drawn up, signed and filed. It took me four years to get to this point.
Now I live for me.
He's still a part of my life but not as we once were. We remain friends. I said I would be there for him in sobriety and if he was working the program which he has found his way to. I realized that detaching and divorcing and choosing to live without his constant presence in my life did not mean that I didn't love him or that I had to stop having love for him.
It's a beautiful thing to reclaim your life. It has its ups and downs but it's still a beautiful thing.
I stayed because he went to rehab and I thought this was it...he's finally getting the help he needed.
I stayed because I made marriage vows.
I stayed because I had to try every which way to manipulate the surroundings, try to control what was around me, hoping, wishing that something would work.
I stayed because I had to try to be enough....the reason he would need to stop.
I stayed because I made reasons for why I was staying and should stay.
I stayed because I didn't know how to get off the merry go 'round.
I stayed because I was scared to leave.
I stayed because I loved him more than I loved myself.
Until......I finally realized I was just as sick as he was.....repeating actions, behaviors, .... over and over again, not knowing how and when to stop. That's when I started loving myself more and stayed for me because I had to become ready to call it quits. I came here for support and got it...(Thank you everyone here at SR). I went to meetings and actually listened and released what I had trapped inside of me for so long. I accepted that my addict was what he was and I couldn't change that but I could change me and my actions and behaviors. I finally became strong enough to leave our marriage. After going back and forth for so long I finally had the papers drawn up, signed and filed. It took me four years to get to this point.
Now I live for me.
He's still a part of my life but not as we once were. We remain friends. I said I would be there for him in sobriety and if he was working the program which he has found his way to. I realized that detaching and divorcing and choosing to live without his constant presence in my life did not mean that I didn't love him or that I had to stop having love for him.
It's a beautiful thing to reclaim your life. It has its ups and downs but it's still a beautiful thing.
Last edited by Cupicake; 12-18-2007 at 08:19 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Regina, sk
Posts: 1
holy hit home with me.
Originally Posted by LstInHISadictin
I sit here tonight crying while he was at his NA meeting. At least that is where he says he is. I dont even know. Everyone tells me I should go to Alanon, but I cant bring myself to sit in front of people and tell them how I'm feeling. It feels like his problem is my problem. Somehow I am embarassed. I am embarassed that the man I have accepted a ring from and whom I am scheduled to marry in 5 months is a herion addict. So I found this website and I've been reading a little about what everyone is going through. It is helpful to hear I am not the only one that stays.
Why do we stay?
I've asked myself since this whole thing started. I dont know.
He even asks me why I stay. I dont know.
Is it because I love him so much? More than I love myself? Because as a logical thought process, I would assume that if I loved myself more than I loved him--I would leave. Bottom line. I'm still here. He's drained my savings, stolen checks, spent all our wedding money, lied and lied and lied. I dont believe a word he says. I have not an ounce of trust in the man I am supposed to marry in less than 5 months.
I have never messed up. I have always done well in school, had a sports scholarship to college, got a great job. I am responsible. I am loyal. I am a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker, employee, and now I am a good fiance--I am standing by him "for better or for worse."
But here is the thing, I dont know how much more I can take, but I cant leave--and I dont know why. I also dont see the end of all the pain and struggling. I dont see how I am ever going to trust him again. I am scared to marry him and have children because I dont want this for my kids and I dont want this pain for the rest of my life. My friends tell me that I am lucky that I dont have kids with him yet and that there is still time for me to get out--he is bringing me down and I need to think of myself. I cant do it. I dont know why I stay.
He went to rehab and now he says he is clean. I cant believe him. He lied so many times I just dont believe him. He passed a drug test the other day and I dont believe the test. Everytime he is 5 minutes late, spends $40, or he wants to do something without me, I think DRUGS. I dont know how to know that he is clean w/out being his parol officer and checking up on everything he does. I cant have time with my friends and family because I am so worried that he is doing drugs.
I dont know what to do or where to turn and I dont know why I stay.
Why do we stay?
I've asked myself since this whole thing started. I dont know.
He even asks me why I stay. I dont know.
Is it because I love him so much? More than I love myself? Because as a logical thought process, I would assume that if I loved myself more than I loved him--I would leave. Bottom line. I'm still here. He's drained my savings, stolen checks, spent all our wedding money, lied and lied and lied. I dont believe a word he says. I have not an ounce of trust in the man I am supposed to marry in less than 5 months.
I have never messed up. I have always done well in school, had a sports scholarship to college, got a great job. I am responsible. I am loyal. I am a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker, employee, and now I am a good fiance--I am standing by him "for better or for worse."
But here is the thing, I dont know how much more I can take, but I cant leave--and I dont know why. I also dont see the end of all the pain and struggling. I dont see how I am ever going to trust him again. I am scared to marry him and have children because I dont want this for my kids and I dont want this pain for the rest of my life. My friends tell me that I am lucky that I dont have kids with him yet and that there is still time for me to get out--he is bringing me down and I need to think of myself. I cant do it. I dont know why I stay.
He went to rehab and now he says he is clean. I cant believe him. He lied so many times I just dont believe him. He passed a drug test the other day and I dont believe the test. Everytime he is 5 minutes late, spends $40, or he wants to do something without me, I think DRUGS. I dont know how to know that he is clean w/out being his parol officer and checking up on everything he does. I cant have time with my friends and family because I am so worried that he is doing drugs.
I dont know what to do or where to turn and I dont know why I stay.
The last part about if he's gone for five minutes, out without you, going to the "store", or spending $40, and you cant spend time with friends/family all those types of scenarios, and immediately you think DRUGS........That's me. I question everything. but i think its my right to and something I SHOULD do is question everything. Its when you beleive them that you get blindsighted. And i think, is that any way to live??? Theres TONS of men out there, who you can trust money with, not worry when they go out, not be sick and cry all the time over. So why be with one who makes you feel like this?????? Why do i need to check outgoing calls on my cell, check history on computers, keep track of his money, lend him money, keep track of where he is all the time.......What fun is that??? And the part that scares me the most, is that i've become so involved in this addicts life and affairs (AKA CODEPENDENCY) that i've lost myself. And what if he left me tomorrow? I would be a complete mess, partially because i would miss him, but i think mostly because i forgot who i was. What i did. How to have fun without him. And what would i do with my time? I wouldnt have to check, worry, obsess, cry, follow, etc......So what would i do with myself????? That scares the **** out of me. So for now, I am staying. If i leave him right now, I will go find another addict, someone else i can help, worry about, neglect myself over.
I do beleive that i will leave. I've gained weight, skipped activities, and my friends thought i dropped off the face of the earth, and day by day, i'm taking my life back while i'm STILL with him. Saturday night will be my first party night out without him, and i'm scared and panicking already because i think whats he gonna do? how much will he do? who will he be with? will he lie about it? will he cheat? But I HAVE to do it, go out and have my own fun. Maybe it will be a horrible night, and i'll worry and obsess, but next time will be easier, and so on and so forth.
Again. What kind of way is that to live, being in a cage like that. Living and breathing for someone else, waiting for that ball to drop....If i stay with him while hes using, what reason would he EVER have to change???
But what i'm learning, is to be all about ME. And thats really hard. I don't want to marry an addict. Have babies with an addict. If he was clean, stayed clean, MAYBE. But with all the lies, broken promises, it almost feels like its just too late. How could i ever trust him again????
So i'm focusing on making ME feel good. Learning to do things without him and just LET GO. And i really do beleive that will lead me to a point in which i'll walk away....And maybe hurt for a bit, but like with ALL my other exes, when i look back, i think i can't beleive i was ever with him.
So maybe everyones right, educate yourself, take care of yourself, and learn to love yourself........and maybe then you'll come to the decision that you're too awesome to have to deal with this ****
I'm excited for the point when i'm ready.....when i leave if theres NO Changes...and i know that the most significant feeling i'll get is relief. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HH. Peace and quiet.
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