awwww.... my poor baby

Old 06-09-2003, 08:47 PM
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Learning to love life...
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Angry awwww.... my poor baby

hello all,
Meg here...
Um, OK.... Tell me if this sounds AT ALL familiar to any of you. My husband has been "working his program" for a couple of months now - he is doing good.
Last night, he was buggin me for sex ... and I have learned NOT to give in, and just do the "mercy" thing - FORGET that! I just say NO now... and walk away. If I feel like it, he'll know . So anyway, he wasn't too upset... and then again this morning "Wanna get naked?" he says. "NO thanks" I replied. Then he took off for the day, a little peeved.
When he returned at 6pm, he asked me AGAIN!@!! I almost burst out laughing this time "NO thanks" I said holding back the chuckles. So... He says "aren't u gonna ask me if I've been having a hard time NOT drinking lately?". I told him that I couldn't ask him that all the time - That it would be self-defeating for me: I can't be involved in those ways (you know?)... I just have to work my OWN program. I told him that it "wasn't my business". And he was upset by this!

He says that it doesn't matter if he is drinking or not... that people have just gotten USED to him being sober now, so he doesn't the praise and pats on the back for BEING sober. What is THIS all about?! I mean, a part of me wants to be supportive.. but he is acting like such a baby! Should I reward my son each time he DOESN'T hit his brother?!!
Is that what the sex thing is all about? He thinks it is a reward?!

Let me just say that his being SOBER is more confusing that his using - at least when he was using, he was PREDICTABLE!

Anyhow, any thoughts on this would be great
Meg
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Old 06-09-2003, 09:00 PM
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Ann
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Hi Meg

I know that when they are working a program, for some reason they need to be cheered on, on a regular basis. I think at first it is encouraging and they feel really good about quitting, but after a time the cheering stops and they realize that this is "FOREVER" and it scares them.

Now that doesn't mean you have to go out and buy pom poms, nor do you have to reward him with anything, but maybe you could "gently" suggest that this would be a good time for him to stick close to his sponsor, if he has one, and to do extra meetings.

They have to work through it, and a little encouragement goes a long way.
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Old 06-09-2003, 10:12 PM
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Hehe.

I guess you say something like....

"Honey, I am very happy that you are doing so well in your program...... now, its time for me to go to my meeting/call my sponsor/read my book/go for a walk"

:P

I woulda added on "and I guess its time you went to a meeting, right?" but then I wasn't very good at staying outta their stuff at all.
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Old 06-09-2003, 10:57 PM
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Learning to love life...
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oh wow...
thanks for putting things into perspective.

Ann, what u said makes a lot of sense... I can totally see how he might be scared now; forever is a long time! I can even remember him getting to this point last time... he said the exact same words "it's like no one cares if I am sober or not".

I think my initial reaction to this (and I even said it to him) is that what he is trying so hard to do, is just NORMAL living for us; which makes it very hard for me to feel "proud" of him... this is what he SHOULD be doing. BUT, I am forgetting that addicts don't lead "normal" lives; they can't... they don't know how. I am thinking that this is a learning process for him... he needs to know that he is doing well, that positive changes are happening... so that he is encouraged to keep trying. Am I on the right track?

I am also thinking that a lot of his alcoholism / recovery is still "hush-hush"... like it is something to be ashamed of. His parents always want to know how he is doing with it all... but they don't ask HIM, they call ME when they know he is not around. So, I KNOW that for THEM, it is something that "we shouldn't talk about"... which is soooo silly. But maybe I play a small role in this too... Maybe a part of me chooses NOT to discuss things with him - maybe its that good ol' river in Egypt: DENIAL. geesh... it's possible.

Funny... Cuz I was so shocked that he was acting this way; thought he was being such a whiner. And now? Now I am recognizing MY part in it; or lack thereof.

Soooo... another question for you.

How can I be "encouraging" to him... what words do I say? I guess I am worried that I will fall into the same traps - now that I know they are there - you know... how we get roped into "taking care of them" again!! I have worked so hard to STOP being walked all over...

Thanks guys
Meg

P.S. Oh, and Taira.... I think suggesting he talk to someone is a great idea... It tells him what HE needs to take ownership of.
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Old 06-10-2003, 04:46 AM
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Hi Meg,

You know how we talk about addiction being that big elephant in the living room that everyone pretends doesn't exist? Well, my husband's recovery became that elephant! Once I started detaching, I didn't know how to be encouraging without meddling. So, I stopped saying anything, especially once he commented that he appreciated me not asking him about his recovery all the time.

But a cool thing happened. He got to the point where he started openly talking about it with me. In his case I didn't get the feeling he really wanted much input from me. I think it was his way of sharing. So I still don't say much of anything. I do think some people need more cheering and encouragement than others, but like I said, I find it hard to do without adding my $.02 in....
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Old 06-10-2003, 05:17 AM
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Ann
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Meg

Journeygal hit the truth here, it's hard to talk about it without meddling.

Something that works for my son and I is when we discuss recovery in general. We can discuss what the steps mean to us or how different people work the program and what seems to work and what doesn't, and about our own obstacles that we sometimes hit. Just be careful that this doesn't turn into a debate if you disagree on some points.

Another thing that may be encouraging is to go to an open meeting with him (presuming he is comfortable with this) and share the experience of recovery without getting into each other's inventory.

I have seen many couples who have recognized that a lot of time needs to be spent on working recovery. Some are resentful of the time that the partner is away from the family, forgetting that this may be a life and death decision. Others get involved in a non-intrusive way - going to open meetings, going to NA dances or social events, making "meeting" night a night out for both of them in situations where they have meetings the same night (NA and Nar-Anon for example).

Working recovery has to become part of (not all of) a lifestyle, and can be a wonderful thing for both partners, as long as they don't step on each others programs.

I guess it's about balance. You don't need to talk about it all the time, but there is no reason not to talk about it at all. It's just a very important part of your life and about adjusting your time to make sure it is not overlooked.

Hope this helps a little.
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Old 06-10-2003, 06:27 AM
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Meg,
You just put some things into perspective for me.
I have been very happy that my husband's recover has been going so well. The meetings and group sessions are really helping him.
But, every so often, he gets in this 'mood'. Basically he shuts himself off from the rest of us. He plops down on the couch and watches monster garage or fishing shows (or now he has been readin a lot of motorcycle magazines - says he wants to build his own - yikes!!!)

I don't know. He just called (as I was writing this) - he's at work. It's nice that he calls but doesn't really have anything to say.

I just feel like shaking him and saying "snap out of if".

When I ask him if he is doing "OK" and "what the matter is" He says "nothing" and that he's "fine". Then he asks me what I think is wrong. Or how I thihk her is doing. I DON'T KNOW!!

While I'm writing. My 5 year old is doing my make up (on me). Oh if you could see me now!! She LOVES body glitter and I'm covered!

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Old 06-10-2003, 08:02 AM
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This post made me grin.....

Okay here goes my 2 cents on the sex thing.
My husband always wants to get naked especially when he is stressed out. It seems to be a tension reliever for some reason with men . Me? I hate it all of the time and sometimes I just give in to relieve his tension. Maybe its not for a reward just that he could be feeling some stress or something....Heck, I don't know


This post was kinda cute...

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Old 06-10-2003, 08:35 AM
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To me, as far as the sex thing goes, it sounds as if you are both needing some kind of connection.....maybe some romance or something so that this bridge can be made.

Early recovery is really tough for both parties. One side feels like they have done a major accomplishment and has all sorts of fears and stuff to cope with......feelings that surface that often were some of the 'reasons' they started drinking in the first place. Other side has all sorts of feelings and stuff to deal with too, expectations and doubts.

One of the biggest challenges a couple has to face I think are the those months in early sobriety. He starts to feel like a new person and as someone who hung out for years in the halls of A.A. as well as alanon, I was often impressed with the miracles that seemed to happen as newcomers made it through those first tender months and blossomed into sometimes quite vastly different people as they learned to live in recovery.

I don't know if they have a club where you are--where I was before here they did. They had lots of sober dances and fun activities that couples could do together in a 'safe' place and I guess part of what am suggesting is to see if you boh can't try and find something like that in your area. So much time and hurt and anger is spent pre-recovery tearing you apart that once recovery starts it would follow that some time for re-adjustment would be needed to move forwards. Like dating again you know?

I know for myself one of the things that seems to help so much when dealing with my mother is if I can get away from the feeling of 'she's MY mother' and start to look at her more as 'just another woman in the program". Putting that perspective on her seems to open the doors for me to respect her more and to listen more openly to what she has to say......where as if I listen with the hat of 'MY mother' then I seem to get a whole pile of anger and stuff mixed up in there and unresolved stuff. I guess there, again its expectations.....and those I am learning can be deadly. I know mother/daughter is different type of relationship.....but point am making is to somehow sit back and try and view him at times as just another 'person' in the program....and see if that doesn't help you gain a slightly different perspective with him.

Anyways.....am wishing you the best. Today is much better day for me and its a direct relationship I think from the amount of support and stuff I'm getting from here. LIke my cup is half full today I think, rather than 2/3rds empty like it felt like last night
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Old 06-10-2003, 09:55 AM
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Hi guys,
Thanks so much for your replies... I'll try to get to all of them, as you all had some great points

JG, yup.... there is an elephant in my living room too. And it's weird cuz, the LAST time he was sober for 3 months... and thats all we did was "talk" about it. I guess this is why I am trying to make things a bit different this time; NOT because I am responsible for him using again (forget that! ), but because I realize how "wrapped up" I was in his recovery - just like how I was obsessed with his using. Sooooo.... I wonder if THIS time its about ME working on ME, and NOT about HIM. You know?
BUT.... Ann made me realize that he is still human (geesh), and that encouraging him is something I would do for someone I love -plain and simple. I had the attitude of "why should I congradulate him for doing something he SHOULD be doing!", just as I find it ridiculous to congradulate my children for NOT being bad... They just have to follow the rules, thats the way it goes! But, I suppose its a bit different.... when I imagined what it would be like to quit smoking again, even tho I would be doing it for ME, I would appreciate my husband cheering me on.

Ann... I HAVE been to open meetings a few times ; in fact I find them very helpful. I am always stuck for words when asked to speak however... somehow it doesn't seem "right" to talk of MY struggles with a room full of A's listening to my every word - what if I peeve them off?!! . I DO see how it is helpful tho.... and how it might be encouraging to my husband to know that I WANT to share a little of his recovery.
I have read and heard many times of how the loved-ones can become very resentful of the time their A spends away from them; at meetings, program get-togethers etc.; thankfully, I have never felt resentment in this way. I KNOW how important his program is to him.... I won't stand in his way, and thats OK with me . He is a very attentive father (when sober) anyway, so it kills him to be away from his family and kids for too long.
And yes... It IS about balance - seems so simple, but trying to make it work is difficult. My focus this week will be on ways I can encourage and be available to him... Somehow finding a way to STILL put myself first WITHOUT hogging the limelight .

No Doubt... My husband gets in these moods too. And my typical reaction? "what the heck is up HIS as*!!?" I am trying VERY hard to NOT assume things and take it personally; after all, one of the best thing I have learned lately, is that we are ALL entitled to our feelings.... We may feel ANGRY at someone, but that does NOT mean it is their fault - feeling angry is OUR feeling, WE are responsible.
that is cute about your 5 yr old and the body glitter.... hmmm, do ya think she was trying to tell ya something?? MY 5 yr old does the most INSANE things when I am on the puter - last night he put his new hulk PJ's on and made himself a green mask out of paper - he was doing his darndest to get my attention.

2many.... EXACTLY!
My husband seems to want sex as a "stress-reliever" as well! and the insane thing is that for ME to want sex, I have to be STRESS FREE! Last night, I asked him WHY he wanted sex so bad... he said "because it makes me feel good", quickly followed by "and because I love you!". Ha ha ha, stuck his foot in his mouth.

Taira... Thanks, you had some great advice.
There are no "alano" (?) clubs where we live (our town consists of barely 3000 ppl), but my husband and I have been exploring the things we can do together that don't involve alcohol. This year we joined a slo-pitch co-ed softball team together - its tons of fun! We are pretty busy with the kids as well... but every once in a while we'll get away for the weekend together, and drop the kids at grammas .
It is so true how we are such different ppl lately... since he has been truly working his program and going to church, and I have been in Alanon and reading my books , we have become the individuals we were MEANT to be. My husband always tells me how he is 13 again... the age he was just before he began drinking; this is where he has to BEGIN; so it is a HUGE learning process.
I am very hopeful that we still LIKE each other in a few years from now - it scares me to think that we were attracted to each other for the very reasons we are IN recovery now... Hopefully, we have enough invested in our love, respect and friendship for each other.

Thanks guys... WHEW!
Meg
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