queenteree

As I was wrapping presents on Friday night I got to thinking about my parents (now deceased) and how at first my father was the alcoholic (my mother never drank at all) then after he died, my mother turned to alcohol and took over where he left off. My father wasn't a bad father at all, he was always there for us, we always had designer clothes and the best of everything. He was actually there for us more than my mother, and alot more understanding. We could talk to him about anything. My mother was a stay at home mom and we lived a very nice life. But then in hindsight, my father was always drinking, more on certain nights than others. It would be those "more" nights that he really just got on my nerves, drinking and talking ALL NIGHT LONG!!! My father never went to bars, always was home drinking. My mother used to sit and watch TV while my younger sister and I would have to sit and listen to him go on and on and on. My sister didn't mind, after a while I would and would tell my mom "make him go to sleep". She'd say he's so good to us that we have to be there for him. I remember one night, my parents took us to see Santa and my father was so drunk he lost my sister and actually nobody realized it for like an hour. If that was my husband, I would have let him have it. Did my mom? No. Anyway, I realized on Friday that my AH is alot like my father, he's financially good to me, I can buy whatever I want, he buys me beautiful jewelry and cars, etc. My AH doesn't go out to bars, drinks at home, talks and talks and talks, just so similar. The only time AH gets nasty is when I have finally had enough, my patience wears thin, and I make him go upstairs, etc. If I were to just sit there and listen and yes him and tell him I love him, life would be all good for him (kinda like what my mother did) and he'd probably never get nasty. Thing is, why can't I get past this???? Why can't I just deal w/it the way my mother did??? Was she an expert at detaching???? Instead, I take my AH to court, get restraining orders, etc. and am going to leave him after the holidays. Thanks for letting me share and vent.

Kindeyes

Your mother did what she felt she needed to do. You can't change that. You are doing what you feel you need to do. And that's ok.

Barbara52

Because you aren't your mother. Just dealing with it is not what you want for your life.

Your mother's choices were hers and who knows why she made them.

Your choices are your choices and you know why you made them. Perhaps you won't settle for a life where you "deal" with an overall unacceptable situation.

denny57

Why can't I get past it????

Maybe because you don't want to. I realized I spent a lot of time making decisions based on what I thought I should do, rather than what was best for me. Sometimes this had nothing to do with other people, just my own thinking of what was the "right" thing. That was exhausting.

an'ka

QT, your mom is a product of a different generation, where a woman was expected to tolerate anything as long as her husband was a good provider. Divorce was not an easy option back then. Who knows how your mother felt all those years? She eventually turned to alcohol yourself; could it be to numb the anger or frustration or resentment?

Besides, why are you comparing yourself to your mom? Why in the world would you want to just sit there and watch him drink? Your discontent stems from knowing that there is so much more to life and you deserve every ounce of happiness and peace. Just my humble opinion.

queenteree

Thanks so much for your responses. I don't know whether it's the season or Pms or something, but I was starting to get down on myself about it (of course, would never tell AH that) and starting to think I was weak or taking the wrong attitude, but now I see them I am not. Didn't help matters any when he spoke with his mother this weekend (and I could hear her over the cell phone) and he was saying how it was all his fault, he and his drinking caused this whole thing, he can't blame me and his mother went off - she started screaming how dare he take the blame, that I did this to him, there were other ways I could have handled it and that it wasn't his fault, it was me and the kids fault after all we put him through and that I better get my act together. Then something was said about how my kids are not his kids (they are his stepchildren for over 21 years) and when I asked him what she said about that, he said he really wasn't paying attention (he just didn't want me to know). Tomorrow is the court date, I'm getting nervous. I keep reminding myself that his actions brought this about, it's not me, but now a whole family (in laws, etc.) are all against me and truth be told, they all know what he's like when he's drunk (very annoying, impossible and sometimes nasty). They don't want him, but they want me to deal with it. Again, sorry for the vent.

Rella927

I have to agree and thank An'ka for saying this as it sheds light all over again! My mother was also a "product of a different generation" she did the best that she could and was taught from her mother and so on and so on that being there for your husband no matter what and keeping your mouth shut basically was how marriage worked!

Times have changed and when we are in recovery from our own past mistakes or whatever have you realize that life is to be lived on our terms-and that is what you are choosing for yourself.

Maybe you are not ready yet to get past it but that is ok! Be gentle with yourself QT

ICU

Excellent input already. Just wanted to add...

When I have moments and feel much like what you have just described, I read this little note I have tucked on my bulletin board next to my computer....

**"Quit listening to the voices that are pulling you down". - Joel Osteen

I heard him say that one Sunday morning while flipping through the channels and it stuck with me. When I read your post, that's the first thing I thought of.

** Oh, and that also applies to 'our own little negative voice' that lives within most, if not all of us from time to time.

P.S. No need to apologize for venting sweetie!

Pajarito

QT- I do this to myself too. What else could I have done? Could I have been nicer, more affectionate, ignored him more, put up with more? I always question myself. I think it's one of my issues- wondering if I brought all of this on, pounding myself over the head for everything instead of taking ONLY my issues and dealing with them. It's hard when you are being blamed and vilified by his family. Only you know what it's been like living with him- why don't they try it? It's no pic-nic. Our mothers lived a very different life. My father was not an alcoholic, but he acted like one and does to this day. My mom is financially dependent on him, so she's stayed and deals with far too much in my opinion, but she has chosen that life. I am not so financially dependent on my AH- luckily. I have options, and I am choosing not to continue to live in a situation that was so unhealthy I could barely see straight. With distance I have come to realize I do have a choice, and I don't want the chaos he continues to live in. I am so sad, but I have to keep pushing on in the hopes that I will be ok- more than ok, and will set a good example for our daughter. I don't want her looking back, living in an unacceptable situation and wondering if she should be putting up with crap the way her mom did. Yuk!

Zoey

When you are sure there will be no question. You will be sure beyond doubt.
Just my 2 cents.

aztchr

I asked the same question after I left my exabf. My grandmother lived with my alcoholic grandfather, my ex's mom lived with his stepfather, and I thought why couldn't I? If only I had learned to detach before I left and we sold the house, etc.

Then I decided to forgive myself for what I thought wasn't trying enough.
I learned and accepted I had a choice and wanted a different path. I was worth more than I was getting and accepting from the relationship. I am not anyone else and I'm very thankful of having the strength to follow my own path.