jessieandme2003

Oh man, this is so hard to admit. I am so disappointed to learn how sick I really am. It took me all day to get up the nerve to write this.

I relapsed. Yup. I am the poster child of the week for codependence.

I set my boundaries last Saturday about my AH not living with me and my daughter while in denial. My AH admitted openly his problem to myself, family and friends (even neighbors!), and chose to quit drinking. Sadly, he really didn't even make step 1, and wanted to show us he could quit on his own. He went through awful withdrawal and couldn't deny his problem those first couple days. But by day 3 he was already back to arguing he didn't have a problem and I was making him quit. He should be able to just have a few a day, he argued. I held my boundaries and he moved back out Thursday (of course he chose the beer, my friends, and went on to blame me for being crazy and impossible to live with.)

Saturday he came and took some stuff from the house for his new place and I cried like a baby. He said he loved me and wished I could see he is not a monster. All i could think was why couldn't he love me enough to want to try to get better? (Yes, yes, I know that is wrong. I am just being honest here.) But I didn't say that to him, I just stood my ground quietly and said I wish him happiness.

But I was miserable Saturday night and all day Sunday. So when he called at closing time last night and started pushing all my buttons, didn't I just cave in and say OK he could come by for a couple hours to talk?! Who am I kidding, I wanted to hear him say he loved me. I am so pathetic. He was so loving and affectionate, like he can be, I was just a mush ball. He ended up staying the night holding me, until I woke him early and asked him to go because my daughter would be waking up.

And the worse part? I felt so much better today. Just one night with him holding me and I was cheerful all day. I guess I got my "fix", huh? I just can't believe I am saying this. I can't belive this is me at all. After all he has done, and all I have learned, I still wanted only to hear him saying I was all he wanted. Sad sad sad.

I know he was drinking a lot that night too, he had just closed his favorite pub. But I didn't feel anger, which is SO not like me. I really saw him as 'sick' for the first time since beginning Al Anon. I actually felt bad for him, and had no harsh words for him at all. At one point he said he is the same guy I fell in love with and married, so why can't things be like they were? Didn't I still love him? I was just holding his head, and I calmly whispered that I love him truly and deeply, and that I just can't continue to be a part of watching him kill himself. Because I was so non-confrontational, he didn't get his guard up, and he just quietly said "I AM killing myself. I know it." And we didn't say anything more and just fell asleep.

It is so sad, but I was glad to treat him with compassion and caring instead of judgement and anger liek I have for years. I just wanted to share that positive side of my story, even though the true theme of my story is that I caved. Mush ball I tell ya.

I hope I can find strength for the next time he calls to come over again. He will just continue this routine if he can have the best of both worlds, that much I believe. I need to be strong for all of our sakes, yet I really trust myself now.

Sarah2003

jessieandme,

I am sooooo PROUD of YOU! I really don't think that what you did is sick at all. If anything, I believe that you detatched WITH LOVE. And I believe that's why you do feel cheerful today. In my opinion, you didn't give in at all.

From your description, it sounds like a beautiful moment. Enjoy that feeling!

You didn't feel angry and you felt true compassion for him and his illness. You also stuck by your boundary by asking him to leave when you were ready. And he did agree, that his choice to drink is killing him. You detatched and he didn't get defensive. I think that is a huge step for both of you. That is so cool. I think that you are also sending the message to him, loud and clear, that you love him deeply, but cannot live with him unless he is sober.

You're so cute, you little "mush ball."

My AH and I are also separated, and we've had a couple of moments like that.

At the risk of sounding corny, your message is an inspiration to me.

Feel good and take care,

Sarah

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Jessieandme...

I also think you're being a bit hard on yourself. From the title of your post I was all ready to read that you'd asked him to move back in. You're a long way from that, and it sounds like you handled yourself admirably. I expect Ann will be along to nudge you with the bunny slipper, but I doubt JT will whack you with the skillet.

Hugs,
Smoke

liddy

((((jessie))))

Hey hon I think you've got it ! you saw him as sick and treated him with compassion, when I saw past the outer wrappings I could see the hurt and pain my daughter suffers. We tend to focus on what the alcoholic is doing (drinking) rather then who they are, which is a human being entitled to the dignity deserving all.

Hey, and you love the guy !
Hugs
liddy

EyesOpen

Jesse:

Coming to terms with the reality that our relationships are not what we'd hoped they'd be takes time.

It's natural to go back & forth with wanting him GONE and wanting him to LOVE YOU.

I did the same thing. Told my A to move out. I moved into the guest room. Then, two days later, I went in an curled up next to him. It felt good.

But even then, I knew I was kidding myself. I was going through the motions of having a normal relationship with him, even though I know he's not capable to having one.

A few hours of remembering how it was is okay. Don't beat yourself up. Just make sure you're honest with him and don't lead him on.

EyesOpen