One year later

Old 12-15-2007, 07:47 AM
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One year later

It's been just about a year since I last spent time with my XABF. I still work with him but have little contact. Can't say it's a healthy environment though. Nor can I say that I'm completely out of love with him. Maybe it's normal to admit that I will always love him in some way. On the other hand I know how completely awful he treated me at times and just how sick I was or even still am to have feelings for him in the first place.

Currently I have a very nice boyfriend who knows very little about this past situation. He does know that I've dated jerks, substance /verbal abusers. He does not know that he my last boyfriend was married or that I still work with him. He thinks the world of me. He treats me with the same respect and understanding that I gave to all my past serious relationships. He thinks I am beautiful and funny, he's gives me everything I thought I ever wanted in a boyfriend. And...yet I find myself 2 months in having problems, or rather creating problems.

Tonight he was all excited to take me to his Christmas party where I will meet all his co-workers for the first time. And they are all excited to meet me because my boyfriend hasn't had a girlfriend in 12 years! (his last GF cheated on him and he gave up women at that point) I feel the pressure already. Also I got a little worked up over a change in plans that we are now being picked up by a designated driver and taken to a pre-party. I feel out of my element, meeting all these strangers who are so curious about me and now I'll be at their mercy for a ride home. My boyfriend insisted that I will really like them and I guess I fear I won't because I hardly every really like people until I've known them for some time. Even then I find things I dislike. Well the conversation about this change in plan just turned into me confessing that I really wasn't looking forward to this. Later on we began to argue over the silliest of things. Our arguments are hard to describe they are mainly very frustrating misunderstandings that keep going on and on. He struggles so to understand me. It makes me sad and I wonder just how bitter and unhealty I am. Does he really deserve a women like me who can't even just be glad that he's excited to show me off. I was so happy when XABF wanted that. WTF is wrong with me????
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Old 12-15-2007, 08:25 AM
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Nice to hear from you again Sketscher.

Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
Also I got a little worked up over a change in plans that we are now being picked up by a designated driver and taken to a pre-party. I feel out of my element, meeting all these strangers who are so curious about me and now I'll be at their mercy for a ride home.
Would using your own transportation to and from the party make you feel more comfortable? I know I wouldn't be thrilled about meeting a bunch of new people AND being at their mercy for having them drive me to and from a party situation either. Seems to me if driving your own vehicle, or your boyfriend's, would make you feel more comfortable, that should be easy enough to accomplish.

As far as meeting a bunch of new people, yeah, I'm not real comfortable doing that either. I went to a gathering of all new people this past summer, and I was actually looking forward to it (that was unusual for me). It went well. Most of these people I'll maybe see once or twice more in my life, if that, so, worrying about 'not clicking' or 'not fitting it' or 'not living up to anyone's expectations of me' wasn't really an issue.

Just some questions for you (to ask of yourself, you don't have to share them here if you don't want to)....Is the fact that he hasn't dated for 12 years (because his ex cheated on him), and your previous situation the reason why you haven't shared that information with him? Maybe you don't feeling deserving of him? Or you're not used to being treated well? It just sounds to me like you are being awfully hard on yourself.

Or maybe it's just the bah-humbug blues....if I was asked to a party in the mood I'm in right now, I'd probably beg out of it!

Anyway, I hope when you do go to the party, that once there, you'll begin to relax and enjoy yourself. It's just a party, right?
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Old 12-15-2007, 09:58 AM
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I am hard on myself.

I haven't shared my complete history with him for a couple reasons.
He gets jealous when just I mention other men at work or from my past that I am friendly with. If he knew that I still work with my very messed up XABF I can totally understand that he'd be worried, not only about being able to trust me but also what the other guy is capable of doing. I wouldn't be happy knowing my boyfriend still worked with a girl that he once lived with, had so much history with. I know that I'm trust worthy and I don't feel like explaining or defending my integrity to him, I'd like to be able to just let him make his own judgements about me based on current events. At some point I hope to find a job or a situation that takes me completely away from my XABF.

Also I may be suffering from depression. I seem to get "worked up" over silly things. I nag and keep it up too. I cry and cry sometimes then a day later I am totally fine. And this guy certainly doesn't deserve it.

About taking my own vehicle. Seems simple enough but I'm kind of already stranded at his house today (he's at work) since it's snowing and my vehicle drives poorly in the snow I'm also not from this area, I live an hour away so i have no idea where this party is or the pre-party. I think he'd be very offfended if i wanted to take my own car at this point. Like I'd be embarrassed to be with him. He keeps questioning me about whether I am sick of him yet etc. It's only been two months and we're already having these misunderstandings where he takes things I say completely wrong in my mind anyway. He gets offended easily at times. I am really not accustomed to a guy like this. He's a caring person and vulnerable. Much like me. BTW we met online. Matched by eharmony so we're supposed to be highly compatible based on 29 dimensions. But occassionally I just feel like no one really understands me. Even myself.
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Old 12-15-2007, 10:29 AM
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I find myself 2 months in having problems, or rather creating problems.

When you sense something is wrong, something is wrong....might be you, might be him.

He gets jealous when just I mention other men at work or from my past that I am friendly with.

That is a very big red flag, IMO. Watch out for people who try to control other people. Read, Beyond Co-dependency by Melody Beattie!

He keeps questioning me about whether I am sick of him yet etc

The only man who ever asked me those questions was XABF. I felt as if he was trying to tell me that he was not good enough for me.

Sket...I only know that little about yourself which you have posted here but when you mention that you feel like you don't understand yourself, maybe you have to take the time to learn who you are.

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Old 12-15-2007, 10:37 AM
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As far as the car went, I meant the two of you drive in together (without the rest of the crowd), not driving to the party separately! Sorry 'bout that!

Hmmm...I think there might be some red flags waving.

1. He's jealous (maybe he hasn't totally worked through his last relationship of '12' years ago yet). But, I do understand how that might make someone more cautious.

2. You don't feel comfortable sharing your past with him. Eventually, things have a way of coming out. I would be concerned about not feeling comfortable with his reaction about knowing 'all' of you. But then again, only you can decide when and if you tell him. If you can't be honest, is that the kind of relationship you want?

3. Why would he question if you're sick of him yet? That seems kind of odd to me.

4. He gets offended easily. OK, well if it bothers you after 'only two months', what will that be like in 4 months? 6 months? 2 years?

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or doesn't have anything good to bring to the plate. It's just that in the first two months of relationships that I've been in, issues hadn't begun to surface yet. At least not important ones. The fact that the two of you are having these types of issues surface so soon might be a good reason to slow it down and re-evaluate.

I don't have any experience with dating services, but what might look good on paper doesn't mean it's a good match. Two 'sensitive' people might help each other, or, might feed on each other's issues! Have you considered if you think this is what you want, or, the right relationship for you right now?

As far as the depression, if you are concerned about it, have you thought of making an apt. with a doctor? I know sometimes I experience crying jags (sometimes monthly) and everything seems so impossible when I feel like that. I have also suffered from short-term depression in the past, and I know the difference between the two (for me anyway). If you're not sure, why not check it out?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Here's a hug (((Sketcher)))! Keep coming back, ok?
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Old 12-15-2007, 10:39 AM
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I think ARealLady and I are sharing a brain today, LOL!
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Old 12-16-2007, 06:15 AM
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I think someone already said it:

If you feel something is wrong then it is wrong. Trust your instincts.

Maybe you just aren't ready plain and simple. And yes there seem to be some red flags waving.

Ngaire
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Old 12-20-2007, 03:49 AM
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Someone mentioned crying spells, monthly. And yes that is what experience. They come on as quickly as they disappear and have happened my whole life. I feel fine today asided from feeling the last minute pressure of getting stuff done for Christmas.

Red Flags... I wonder though if his "jealously" is warranted. He does not try to control me EVER, he merely politely asks me if I'm attracted to these men I mention. and I have no real close girlfriends anymore. And he happened to have met me when three past male friends surfaced coincidentally around the same time. I was once very close to one as a friend, one recently divorced the women I introduced him to, and the third is a married man about to be stationed in Iraq whom I've known since I was 16 (now I'm 36)...we do flirt. We exchange words though myspace where he has been known to leave messages to me and other girls like "hey gorgeous" (maybe that site is trouble. huh?). it's nothing beyond that, with me anyway. But I think it would really bother my boyfriend if he did that now.

I would normally agree with whomever said if there are problems now then imagine 4, 6 months, 2 years later. Except that I seem to have a pattern of creating problems with nice guys. One of my male friends explained it like this.

If a woman has suffered a trauma at an early age she will usually spend a good deal of her life trying to (strange as it seems) recreate that trauma. If it was some abuse by a man she will seek out abusers and if she is with a nice man she's either not attracted or she will push him to be the abuser, pick fights, make him the bad guy.

I did suffer on incident at a very young child that I would consider traumatic and a crime by an old pervert. And lately I have met some really super nice men with whom I've simply sabotaged my chances with because I did not feel deserving! It was pointed out to me and so finally I thought ENOUGH. I want to give a good guy a chance. And then Patrick came along. And i want to give him a chance, and I want to give myself one too. A chance at being with a good decent man. I do still find myself thoguh saying things that are out of line sometimes. Things that I know are abrasive and not well tolerated by most people. I sometimes wonder if I did get spoiled with my X's total lack of interest in what I said. Or his totally lack of memory from blackout. If anything I did say was wrong he'd certainly not remember it the next day. Even if i did cry all night from our argument. He'd not even notice my swollen eyes.

It's weird dealing with a straight guy. I haven't been so close to one in many many years.
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
My boyfriend insisted that I will really like them and I guess I fear I won't because I hardly every really like people until I've known them for some time.
I used to let other people decide how I felt about people and situations for me. I have worked to change this to no longer think this way. It keeps me safe and allows me to feel comfortable by putting power and control back into my hands, because I choose who, when and how long.

Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
Well the conversation about this change in plan just turned into me confessing that I really wasn't looking forward to this.
I used to hide how I really felt from people to prevent arguements and to protect others and their feelings because I felt responsible for both. Today I only feel responsible for myself.

Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
Does he really deserve a women like me who can't even just be glad that he's excited to show me off.
When my intuition would speak I used to turn a deaf ear to it, deny it, make excuses for the situations it spoke of. I no longer force myself to feel one feeling or another and don't make excuses for feeling that I have. I also came to believe that when others tell me what I should be feeling, as someone on this forum once wrote, I no longer believe they do it because they care. I also no longer find this acceptable behaviour.


Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
WTF is wrong with me????
Absolutely nothing
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Old 12-20-2007, 06:36 AM
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No matter how good a relationship is, there will always be obstacles to overcome. You are learning who you are in this relationship and so is he. I have found that honesty is the best policy.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-20-2007, 07:35 AM
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I see a bunch of red flags here the biggest one being that you feel you can't tell him the truth because he is jealous.

The pre party is about drinking right? That's why transportation is being provided right?maybe that is also triggering something in you...

Maybe you do need some more space?are ya'll living together? Maybe things are moving too fast?

I think if the guy is as good as you say he deserves your honesty the longer you wait about this the harder it will be when he finds out. Unless you feel that you don't really know if you want to tell him about your real past because you do not trust him then you owe it to him and you to end it..
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Old 12-20-2007, 09:41 AM
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Oh, i know how you feel, i pushed away probably the nicest guy on the planet just before i started dating my exabf. He had everything, and treated me like gold. For some reason i didn't appreciate it and thought i deserved the jerk i ended up with. Maybe it was too soon, you mentioned only being broken up with your serious exbf 2 months, is that right? THis whole rollercoaster stinks. But i do agree with the others, if it's only been 2 months, that's not long to figure things out wish i did and should of!
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Old 12-20-2007, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by hbb View Post
For some reason i didn't appreciate it and thought i deserved the jerk i ended up with.
And when you figure out that reason you will make huge strides in recovery.....

L
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Old 12-22-2007, 12:54 PM
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hbb, I feel like I am pushing away the same kind of guy (a guy who treats me like gold) but after the jerk that i thought I deserved and maybe partially still believe that about myself.

Patrick my boyfriend is proud of me, tells me I'm gorgeous and laughs at my jokes. He's never critical of how I do anything. He hardly drinks, he takes care of his himself in every way. He's respectful of the law and humans in general. He's virtually the opposite of my married ex alcoholic boyfriend. He's everything I wished I could transform my ex into and then some.

I think I am just still so twisted even after a year apart form the ex that it's hard to recognize those little obstacles as being little. I expect them to blow up. I'm waited for the perverbial other show to drop. All the while digging the hole deeper.
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Old 12-22-2007, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
hbb, I feel like I am pushing away the same kind of guy (a guy who treats me like gold) but after the jerk that i thought I deserved and maybe partially still believe that about myself.

Patrick my boyfriend is proud of me, tells me I'm gorgeous and laughs at my jokes. He's never critical of how I do anything. He hardly drinks, he takes care of his himself in every way. He's respectful of the law and humans in general. He's virtually the opposite of my married ex alcoholic boyfriend. He's everything I wished I could transform my ex into and then some.

I think I am just still so twisted even after a year apart form the ex that it's hard to recognize those little obstacles as being little. I expect them to blow up. I'm waited for the perverbial other show to drop. All the while digging the hole deeper.

I know how you feel. When EVERYONE pushed the nice guy who was interested in me (now we are great friends) i got angry because at the time i was already with J and was mad that they didn't have much nice to say about him and that we were totally opposite. In looking back, they were right, not me but i still don't have that feeling with the other one.

You mentioned above about creating trauma because of your past early on. That EXACT sort of thing happened to my exabf and that's how he lives his life. I wouldn't wish that type of lifestyle on anyone. I'm so sorry you go through that too. That inturn is the reason why we didn't work. I think, that i am that "nice girl" like you mention about your bf. Not that i'm a goody two shoes but i don't have any chaos and drama and i think that J couldn't stand the "status quo" that i lived. He needs life to be upside down. Some do from what i gather here.....

I know how you feel, believe me i run at those guys in the past and deserved these jerks. But, i'm not going to do that again, it's too painful and distructive.
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:01 PM
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ha HBB! I was acused of being a goody two shoes by my ex! the words were "oh yeah you're just an upstanding citizen like the rest!" this was after I protested him opening a beer in my truck while parked illegally. he saw nothing wrong with this...he actually managed to make me feel like a pretty big nerd sometimes.
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:15 PM
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looking back on it...the life with a drunk. It's a sick sick life. I can't imagine why even to this day I feel some love for that man. How is it possible I can even think that there are problems with my current relationship? Because the man actually cares what I think? Pays attention to my words and occasionally misunderstands them? For this I feel that we are possibly not suited.

Yet I took years of verbal abuse from a drunk. I repeatedly took back a man whom kept going back to his wife, HIS WIFE for heaven's sake. I took back her trash 5 times. He pitted us against each other. I let her call me up and shout the words wh__e at me. I felt I deserved all the name calling. I felt responsible for putting a roof over his head when she threw him out. i listened patiently while he'd cry about missing his son and wait while he'd visit his former home and run errands for her and occasionally not return for the night to later come see with tail between his legs and some lie that she'd with such relish in her voice reveal to me...they'd once again slept together. When I think of those things my stomach turns and I feel ashamed that I could have let that happen.

I also now feel ashamed that I let such silly things become arguments with my current boyfriend.
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:27 PM
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I just pm'd you but your mailbox is full
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Old 12-22-2007, 04:12 PM
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oops, i think it's cleaned out now.
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Old 12-22-2007, 05:23 PM
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Letting go of shame was an important part my recovery. As long as I felt shame about my weight, appearance, abilities, choices, behaviors, worthiness, etc., I continued to settle for partners who I knew deep down were not right for me. I settled because I convinced myself that nobody else would want me.

These days when my inner voice speaks to me loud and clearly, I don't ignore or attempt to quiet it my making excuses for another person's behavior. If a man I've been dating for 2 months was already showing signs of jealously and that little voice inside my head was making me uncomfortable enough to post about it here, I'd listen carefully and trust my inner voice.

Not trusting my inner voice led to 25 years of heartache for me. Today, I refer to my inner voice as Merrill Lynch. When it talks, I listen.

I, too, see several red flags here.
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