Oh what a night...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Oh what a night...
My "recovering" (hardy har har) husband did himself in good tonight.
I'm not sure if anyone is very familiar with my situation but my AH has been in "recovery' and my boundary was that I'd give it another go if he stayed sober. That if he didn't stay sober that he'd have to leave (all other times my kids and I were the ones to leave because my parents live close by). I told him that this was my home and that this go around I was staying, it just isn't right that we're the one's being inconvenienced by his drinking.
So anyway, I get home from work today and it was apparent that he'd been drinking. I told him he had an hour to get his stuff together and go. I let him hang out until he sobered up enough to drive, and we both thought it would be a good idea for him to go spend some time with his mom and step dad, who are about 3 hours away. He called them, told them he was coming up.
Well none of us hear from him and it's well after the time he should have arrived. Couple hours later I get a call from the police stating that he'd been in an accident and it was apparent that he was intoxicated. So apparently he'd stopped along his way and got himself good and pickled and subsequently totalled the vehicle he was driving.
I just don't even know how to feel, it's bizaare because I think I laughed when I got the phone call from the police. I think I laughed and said, "oh my god, you've got to be kidding me".
So now the task is to drive up and sign whatever papers I need to sign for the police (that are 3 hours from here), and then what? Do I even bother to go see him in the hospital before they cart him off to jail? I mean, what the hell do you do? I also have to see if I can salvage the Christmas gifts that I had in that vehicle. I don't believe there's a whole lot in there, but there's still some stuff, and that entails finding out where the vehicle was towed.
In a way I'm relieved, because he's answered the question in my mind as to how committed he is to fixing his life and being a part of this family. He knew this was it, the one last futile effort, and he made his choice, and he chose poorly. It just really sucks for our daughter, she adores him and desperately wanted him to get himself well.
As for me, I'm washing my hands of him. I have to. It's getting a wee bit too expensive (financially and emotionally) to keep trying to make it work. I honestly do hope and pray he can overcome his addiction to alcohol, but I'm not going to worry myself over it. It's his burden, not mine.
Anyway, there ya have it. I guess I'll decide about seeing him on my drive up to New Jersey. Guh, I hate driving in New Jersey.
I'm not sure if anyone is very familiar with my situation but my AH has been in "recovery' and my boundary was that I'd give it another go if he stayed sober. That if he didn't stay sober that he'd have to leave (all other times my kids and I were the ones to leave because my parents live close by). I told him that this was my home and that this go around I was staying, it just isn't right that we're the one's being inconvenienced by his drinking.
So anyway, I get home from work today and it was apparent that he'd been drinking. I told him he had an hour to get his stuff together and go. I let him hang out until he sobered up enough to drive, and we both thought it would be a good idea for him to go spend some time with his mom and step dad, who are about 3 hours away. He called them, told them he was coming up.
Well none of us hear from him and it's well after the time he should have arrived. Couple hours later I get a call from the police stating that he'd been in an accident and it was apparent that he was intoxicated. So apparently he'd stopped along his way and got himself good and pickled and subsequently totalled the vehicle he was driving.
I just don't even know how to feel, it's bizaare because I think I laughed when I got the phone call from the police. I think I laughed and said, "oh my god, you've got to be kidding me".
So now the task is to drive up and sign whatever papers I need to sign for the police (that are 3 hours from here), and then what? Do I even bother to go see him in the hospital before they cart him off to jail? I mean, what the hell do you do? I also have to see if I can salvage the Christmas gifts that I had in that vehicle. I don't believe there's a whole lot in there, but there's still some stuff, and that entails finding out where the vehicle was towed.
In a way I'm relieved, because he's answered the question in my mind as to how committed he is to fixing his life and being a part of this family. He knew this was it, the one last futile effort, and he made his choice, and he chose poorly. It just really sucks for our daughter, she adores him and desperately wanted him to get himself well.
As for me, I'm washing my hands of him. I have to. It's getting a wee bit too expensive (financially and emotionally) to keep trying to make it work. I honestly do hope and pray he can overcome his addiction to alcohol, but I'm not going to worry myself over it. It's his burden, not mine.
Anyway, there ya have it. I guess I'll decide about seeing him on my drive up to New Jersey. Guh, I hate driving in New Jersey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Sorry you have to go through this Hbmld. Great job holding to your boundary! That's impressive!
Have a safe drive and I hope you are able to recover the presents that are in the car.
As for visiting him in the hospital, do whatever you think is right for you.
Have a safe drive and I hope you are able to recover the presents that are in the car.
As for visiting him in the hospital, do whatever you think is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 156
WOW! You sound just the way I felt when I knew I was done. I am so sorry you had to experience this. I remember when my XAH did his final deed that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was relieved because it really couldn't get any more clear. I am sorry your daughter is sad too, I know that must be hard. Once my XAH drove his car into a ditch absolutely wasted, was on life support so I waited for him to wake up after I drove from VA to NC. The first thing he said to me was "I got you a birthday present." He felt guilty I think. He stunk. His family totally did not see that he was the cause of this. WOW...I found that I had to leave the hospital because I couldn't handle the denial that they were in. That was not the defining moment for me I went on and married him and then 5 months later I divorced him.
So, I would encourage you to see if you can find out what kind of condition he is in at the hospital...He may not even know you are there or maybe it will be more upsetting to go than to not go or vice versa...Good luck.
So, I would encourage you to see if you can find out what kind of condition he is in at the hospital...He may not even know you are there or maybe it will be more upsetting to go than to not go or vice versa...Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
I have decided that I am not driving up there unless I have to. His step father went to the hospital and brought him home to their house. I am seriously surprised that they didn't arrest him and take him to jail. The only way I'm going up there today is if I am required to since the vehicle is registered in my name and if I have to sign any papers. His step father is going to see if he can sign anything that needs to be signed and go to the vehicle and collect everything that is in it. I had a bunch of Christmas presents in there.
I am fortunate in the fact that his family is very supportive of me and the situation. His mother left his father when he was just a baby because he was an alcoholic. We spent a lot of time crying on the phone last night and this morning. She's pretty together and is completely understanding of my feelings. She told me years ago that I didn't deserve to live with an alcoholic and that even though he was her son she'd completely support me leaving him. I imagine it's very difficult on her because she took him out of that environment in the hopes that he wouldn't carry on the tradition and sadly, he and his brother have.
My concern is now, with a DWI, will the insurance pay off the vehicle? It's less than a year old and I still owe quite a bit on it. It is going to suck if I have to pay for a totalled vehicle. I imagine my insurance is going to go through the roof. Does anyone know if Insurance pays if it's a DWI? He was 3 times over the legal limit.
I am fortunate in the fact that his family is very supportive of me and the situation. His mother left his father when he was just a baby because he was an alcoholic. We spent a lot of time crying on the phone last night and this morning. She's pretty together and is completely understanding of my feelings. She told me years ago that I didn't deserve to live with an alcoholic and that even though he was her son she'd completely support me leaving him. I imagine it's very difficult on her because she took him out of that environment in the hopes that he wouldn't carry on the tradition and sadly, he and his brother have.
My concern is now, with a DWI, will the insurance pay off the vehicle? It's less than a year old and I still owe quite a bit on it. It is going to suck if I have to pay for a totalled vehicle. I imagine my insurance is going to go through the roof. Does anyone know if Insurance pays if it's a DWI? He was 3 times over the legal limit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Whoa. What a saga! I am Sooo sorry for you, and esp. for your daughter. Look, maybe they'll throw the book at him and this will be his bottom. I sure hope so. As for your daughter, you know how to talk to her better than I. Maybe tell her that he desperately needed a wake up call and sometimes it takes something like this for a turnaround.
Prayers for you and your family!
Prayers for you and your family!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch... Im not sure on the Insurance but I would imagine they would pay for the car..
*hugs* Im proud of you for sticking to your boundries though, its hard Im sure and especially this time of the year with your daughter being disapointed... but you are right in one sense. At least now the questions have been answered and your not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now you know and can make decisions and plans for what is to happen next. Hold strong and take good care of yourself and your daughter now.
*hugs* Im proud of you for sticking to your boundries though, its hard Im sure and especially this time of the year with your daughter being disapointed... but you are right in one sense. At least now the questions have been answered and your not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now you know and can make decisions and plans for what is to happen next. Hold strong and take good care of yourself and your daughter now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I know how you feel
First of all - I know exactly how you feel. My ex did the same thing over and over until I said no more. The final straw was similar to yours- the kids and I left the beach house early and came home to a soccer game - he stayed an extra night - when the cops called saying he had broken into a beach house similar to ours (he says he thought it was ours) and dove out the second story window to escape from them - I couldn't even speak. I am home with 2babies asleep - thinking all is well. I did not go to the hospital as he got over 100 stitches - I did not bring him home fromt the Outer Banks - a friend of his picked his drunk butt up. I did have to go pick up the car as it was impounded and pick up my sons bikes and whatnot from the beach house as he could not. You can only take so much. You have to take care of yourself. I told him I wanted a divorce - he went to AA and straightened up temporarily - he is now married to another alcoholic. She can have him. My kids have been hurt but in the end they know I am there, always have been and always will be no matter what. They know he is sick but he is their Dad and they love him. I wish you peace and comfort in this time when you are having to deal with this crap. You know what you can and can't live with - follow your heart. I busted my butt to raise these kids alone but you know what I don't have to worry about phone calls from the police anymore - not at least from husband number one. Husband #2 - well that is another story. God help me. I need to go to my Al-Anon meeting. 
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
It was 60 thousand dollars in his credit card debt, and all of it showing up on my credit report that made me realize I could not have anything else to do with my XAH. The longer I stayed, the more financially ruined I became.
Fortunately, most of these have been removed due to my disputing them, but there is one more.
I guess there comes a point where we are looking at survival at any cost.
Fortunately, most of these have been removed due to my disputing them, but there is one more.
I guess there comes a point where we are looking at survival at any cost.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
My AH was in an almost tragic accident, and I remember thinking if he lived, then maybe this would be his bottom. He was hospitalized for 2 1/2 months and it was not his bottom. I finally had to cut ties. Kicked him out and tried as much as possible to have NO CONTACT.
It sounds like he needs to clean this mess up all by himself. Once we start helping them, they don't suffer the consequences God intended for them to suffer, so the roller coaster starts up again. I would tell the people in jail you are separated and this is his mess to deal with.
And yes, consider this a good day.
It sounds like he needs to clean this mess up all by himself. Once we start helping them, they don't suffer the consequences God intended for them to suffer, so the roller coaster starts up again. I would tell the people in jail you are separated and this is his mess to deal with.
And yes, consider this a good day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
this can be your new beginning, congratulations! you can be free if you choose to be. hope all goes well with the insurance.
as for your dear daughter, i would try to help her understand that her daddy is sick, but he needs to get well by himself. you know the drill from reading here....
lots of love your way
jeri
as for your dear daughter, i would try to help her understand that her daddy is sick, but he needs to get well by himself. you know the drill from reading here....
lots of love your way
jeri
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
some auto insurance policies have disclaimers about coverage if alcohol/drugs are involved in the driver. should they refuse to pay you might consider suing the driver(your AH?)
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
I'd consider this a good day--not a bad day. Any day where I gain freedom from another person's addiction is a good day in my book.
I spoke to him on the phone for a while last night and he said he wanted to come home. I held my ground and told him no. I thought it would be easier, but it wasn't, it sucked. I now know the feeling of the phrase "this hurts me more than it hurts you" (my mom always said that when laying down whatever punishment when I screwed up as a kid).
My heart wants to take him back, but I know the reality in doing so I'm hurting him more than I am helping. If he has me and this house as a fallback, he's never going to truly do what it takes to save himself.
I just wish I could feel angry and want to punch him in the face rather than sad and bummed. Makes dealing with it all better.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by steve11694
should they refuse to pay you might consider suing the driver(your AH?)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Maryland
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by embraced2000
as for your dear daughter, i would try to help her understand that her daddy is sick, but he needs to get well by himself. you know the drill from reading here....
lots of love your way
jeri
One of my daughters way of coping and dealing is to take on the role of parent, which I really am trying to come up with ways of breaking her of that. She started going through a laundry list of things we needed to accomplish, one was calling the insurance company to make sure the vehicle would be paid off. I told her she needn't worry herself over that crap, that she just needed to worry about what was on her list to Santa (yes, she still believes in Santa, which is a wonderful thing).
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I am not qualified to give legal advice, but I can tell you what happened with my exAH when he got his dwi during a fender bender.
His lawyer told him to STFU and not talk to his own insurance company. NO admissions or statements about what happened at all. He is not DWI until convicted and that can take a long time. Also, the lawyer did not want law enforcment to be able to use those statements against him. In the meantime insurance has a certain timeframe in which they have to pay. It all worked out for him, but of course we're talking fenders and not a totalled car.
Just wanted to share that. Again, I'm not lawyer, I just stayed at a holiday inn express last night. yukyukyuk
His lawyer told him to STFU and not talk to his own insurance company. NO admissions or statements about what happened at all. He is not DWI until convicted and that can take a long time. Also, the lawyer did not want law enforcment to be able to use those statements against him. In the meantime insurance has a certain timeframe in which they have to pay. It all worked out for him, but of course we're talking fenders and not a totalled car.
Just wanted to share that. Again, I'm not lawyer, I just stayed at a holiday inn express last night. yukyukyuk
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Enabling kills alcoholics.
I hope you will consider what it best for his sobriety, than your guilt.
Saying No was the most significant gift you could give him this year. Dont be an indian giver and take it back. He may not make it out of the next accident....or someone else either.....
I hope you will consider what it best for his sobriety, than your guilt.
Saying No was the most significant gift you could give him this year. Dont be an indian giver and take it back. He may not make it out of the next accident....or someone else either.....
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Is it really necessary fo ryou to go and bail him out? what about his parents?
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by hmbld
My "recovering" (hardy har har) husband did himself in good tonight.
I'm not sure if anyone is very familiar with my situation but my AH has been in "recovery' and my boundary was that I'd give it another go if he stayed sober. That if he didn't stay sober that he'd have to leave (all other times my kids and I were the ones to leave because my parents live close by). I told him that this was my home and that this go around I was staying, it just isn't right that we're the one's being inconvenienced by his drinking.
So anyway, I get home from work today and it was apparent that he'd been drinking. I told him he had an hour to get his stuff together and go. I let him hang out until he sobered up enough to drive, and we both thought it would be a good idea for him to go spend some time with his mom and step dad, who are about 3 hours away. He called them, told them he was coming up.
Well none of us hear from him and it's well after the time he should have arrived. Couple hours later I get a call from the police stating that he'd been in an accident and it was apparent that he was intoxicated. So apparently he'd stopped along his way and got himself good and pickled and subsequently totalled the vehicle he was driving.
I just don't even know how to feel, it's bizaare because I think I laughed when I got the phone call from the police. I think I laughed and said, "oh my god, you've got to be kidding me".
So now the task is to drive up and sign whatever papers I need to sign for the police (that are 3 hours from here), and then what? Do I even bother to go see him in the hospital before they cart him off to jail? I mean, what the hell do you do? I also have to see if I can salvage the Christmas gifts that I had in that vehicle. I don't believe there's a whole lot in there, but there's still some stuff, and that entails finding out where the vehicle was towed.
In a way I'm relieved, because he's answered the question in my mind as to how committed he is to fixing his life and being a part of this family. He knew this was it, the one last futile effort, and he made his choice, and he chose poorly. It just really sucks for our daughter, she adores him and desperately wanted him to get himself well.
As for me, I'm washing my hands of him. I have to. It's getting a wee bit too expensive (financially and emotionally) to keep trying to make it work. I honestly do hope and pray he can overcome his addiction to alcohol, but I'm not going to worry myself over it. It's his burden, not mine.
Anyway, there ya have it. I guess I'll decide about seeing him on my drive up to New Jersey. Guh, I hate driving in New Jersey.
I'm not sure if anyone is very familiar with my situation but my AH has been in "recovery' and my boundary was that I'd give it another go if he stayed sober. That if he didn't stay sober that he'd have to leave (all other times my kids and I were the ones to leave because my parents live close by). I told him that this was my home and that this go around I was staying, it just isn't right that we're the one's being inconvenienced by his drinking.
So anyway, I get home from work today and it was apparent that he'd been drinking. I told him he had an hour to get his stuff together and go. I let him hang out until he sobered up enough to drive, and we both thought it would be a good idea for him to go spend some time with his mom and step dad, who are about 3 hours away. He called them, told them he was coming up.
Well none of us hear from him and it's well after the time he should have arrived. Couple hours later I get a call from the police stating that he'd been in an accident and it was apparent that he was intoxicated. So apparently he'd stopped along his way and got himself good and pickled and subsequently totalled the vehicle he was driving.
I just don't even know how to feel, it's bizaare because I think I laughed when I got the phone call from the police. I think I laughed and said, "oh my god, you've got to be kidding me".
So now the task is to drive up and sign whatever papers I need to sign for the police (that are 3 hours from here), and then what? Do I even bother to go see him in the hospital before they cart him off to jail? I mean, what the hell do you do? I also have to see if I can salvage the Christmas gifts that I had in that vehicle. I don't believe there's a whole lot in there, but there's still some stuff, and that entails finding out where the vehicle was towed.
In a way I'm relieved, because he's answered the question in my mind as to how committed he is to fixing his life and being a part of this family. He knew this was it, the one last futile effort, and he made his choice, and he chose poorly. It just really sucks for our daughter, she adores him and desperately wanted him to get himself well.
As for me, I'm washing my hands of him. I have to. It's getting a wee bit too expensive (financially and emotionally) to keep trying to make it work. I honestly do hope and pray he can overcome his addiction to alcohol, but I'm not going to worry myself over it. It's his burden, not mine.
Anyway, there ya have it. I guess I'll decide about seeing him on my drive up to New Jersey. Guh, I hate driving in New Jersey.
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