...I think I need to leave this state...
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
...I think I need to leave this state...
I have been living home for about a year and I have been sinking into even more depression. I have gone back to drinking and I know this isn't good for me. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't drink again and I also, more importantly, promised myself. Well, I feel like this state is not good for my sanity (the state of Indiana). Last night, I contacted a person whom did something very, very wrong to me when I was a freshman in college. It has to do with a frat house and drinking, so put two and two together and imagine for yourself what happened. Well, when I was a sophomore, I finally contacted him again through AIM and I saved the conversation we had about what had happened the past year. He confessed to everything and said he felt like **** for "taking advantage of me" and for thinking that by ******* me we could have a relationship even though we were just friends at the time. Well last night, I felt very angry about this incident as I do around the same time every year. I sent him a message on Facebook simply stating that I haven't forgotten about what happened around 4 years ago. He sent me a very cruel message today, which basically takes back any semblance of apology he had given me my sophomore year. He told me I could "Kiss his ass" and that all of his frat friends agree with him that I took advantage of the situation and that I need to take responsibility for my choices rather than take them out on someone else. He kept cursing in this message. It really distraught me as I felt like it was ridiculous and he knows the truth about what happened, even confessed to it a couple of years ago. How could I defend myself, a 5'4'' girl that weighed even less than as I do now (I was only 18 when this happened. I am now 22) against a man that is around 6'2'', at least? It brought me back to a very bad place. I sent him back a message saying that I was going to take our previous conversation to the police and that I had saved the conversation we had had where he confessed to everything. I actually ending up calling my old Universities' police office because I was so upset by his message to me, but they have to get back to me in regards to Statute of limitiations. It could be too late. Even if it's not, I had never received a rape test after it happened so, the only evidence I have is the Internet conversation where he confessed and I have seen stories about a lady in a similar circumstance; the only reason why she won her case was because she also had physical evidence rather than written evidence. Incidently, her rapist contacted her several years later after joining AA and reaching the step where he must ask forgiveness for others. He sent her a letter in the mail apologizing for the rape and that's where her case started.
Well, this situation has just brought me back to a really bad spot as I previously stated. After that happened to me my freshman year, I completely lost control of my life. I started drinking a lot and I couldn't deal with the circumstance well. I did seek counselling but it's hard to cope with a whole Frat house against you for no reason at all. And I had to deal with seeing him on campus until he transferred my sophomore year. He never spoke to me after the incident at all nor acknowledged my presence until I finally had contacted him through AIM. My whole experience in this state is full of bad memories and they keep coming back to haunt me. I am tired of this reputation and I'm tired of having to pick up the broken pieces. I am really tempted to start over again in the West coast. I understand that no matter where you go, your problems follow you, but I feel like I need a fresh start. I have been in my home town, three hours away from my college town for a year and in my old college town for about 3 years. I think enough is enough. The only thing that is regrettable is that it would mean I would have to leave my family and boyfriend behind, but I keep falling further into depression and this recent situation has really, really gotten to me. I even thought today, what is the point of living? I am happy that I haven't picked up a drink yet, though. What do you think of me moving to a new state on the West coast?
Well, this situation has just brought me back to a really bad spot as I previously stated. After that happened to me my freshman year, I completely lost control of my life. I started drinking a lot and I couldn't deal with the circumstance well. I did seek counselling but it's hard to cope with a whole Frat house against you for no reason at all. And I had to deal with seeing him on campus until he transferred my sophomore year. He never spoke to me after the incident at all nor acknowledged my presence until I finally had contacted him through AIM. My whole experience in this state is full of bad memories and they keep coming back to haunt me. I am tired of this reputation and I'm tired of having to pick up the broken pieces. I am really tempted to start over again in the West coast. I understand that no matter where you go, your problems follow you, but I feel like I need a fresh start. I have been in my home town, three hours away from my college town for a year and in my old college town for about 3 years. I think enough is enough. The only thing that is regrettable is that it would mean I would have to leave my family and boyfriend behind, but I keep falling further into depression and this recent situation has really, really gotten to me. I even thought today, what is the point of living? I am happy that I haven't picked up a drink yet, though. What do you think of me moving to a new state on the West coast?
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I understand that no matter where you go, your problems follow you,
Moving across country, or around the corner...it doesn't really matter, if you aren't committed to staying sober. What you're suggesting is what AA's refer to as a "geographic cure". Whether or not you decide to move out of state, the important thing is that you have a good program of recovery in place!!!
tangled up in blue
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
Thank you for your reply. I agree that I would definitely have to have some programs set up no matter where I moved. But assuming that I did, do you think there is anything else wrong with leaving? I am just wondering. Thanks!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...that decision need not be done immediately.
Do some research as to areas ..job opportunities housing.
I also think a Rape Crisis Center in your area
would be helpful ...even now.
Drinking made me depressed. That is why I
started AA. Have you thought of attending?
Do some research as to areas ..job opportunities housing.
I also think a Rape Crisis Center in your area
would be helpful ...even now.
Drinking made me depressed. That is why I
started AA. Have you thought of attending?
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hi BB...
Geographical cures do not solve anything...I have thought of this too...
They only make matters worse and can be self defeating. But no one can
make these decisions but you. What do you think would be best for you?
have you sat down and thought this through?
Have faith in yourself BB...
Love,
IO
Geographical cures do not solve anything...I have thought of this too...
They only make matters worse and can be self defeating. But no one can
make these decisions but you. What do you think would be best for you?
have you sat down and thought this through?
Have faith in yourself BB...
Love,
IO
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: seattle
Posts: 468
Hey B2B,
Im not giving advice, or suggesting you do or dont do anything here, but i want to offer you my experience.
When I was first getting clean, i needed the support of my family, they helped me relocate out of the very bad enviornment that i was in. It wasnt the enviornment that was the problem, it was me so i understood where ever you go your problems go with you. A change of scenery would do me no good, if i wasnt willing to change. However i had turned my old living situation into a crack house, more or less.
As things started to change for me, and i racked up some sobriety, i began to face myself soberly...
I began to search out a better enviornment, that would allow me to grow as i was recovering.
I've made 2 relocations one in 2005, which didnt work out, and again recently in 2007, which im working on. It has been hard to be away from family support, and im definately facing myself in ways that i havent done since i began this journey. It's tough, in fact. The disease has come with me, and i had to get VERY involved in local AA both times i moved.
I'm not living in sober housing, but may make the move as times are tough, and its a bad time of year to locate jobs. It may have been easier to get into an oxford house, even at almost 4 years sober, with a program, etc.
It hasnt been easy.
If you do, i would definately recommend getting an oxford house while you get settled. If you decide to move.
For me , the reality that being in a new place without sober support and the fellowship, would be too much to handle. Its still tough with that support.
But lastly, i just wanted to let you know that i have realized just recently that some of the things that i have accepted as normal - like in terms of my upbringing, family type relationships and enviornment, and recovery; were things that i didnt have much choice but to accept as normal. Being sober has led me to growth, and changing my enviornment has helped me see that the world offeres me much more then what im surrounded with currently... So its been hard, but good for me. I've had a chance to evaluate my ideals, and discover better alternatives..But it also forced insecurities and fears to the surface, and without the program i would have drank.
Im not giving advice, or suggesting you do or dont do anything here, but i want to offer you my experience.
When I was first getting clean, i needed the support of my family, they helped me relocate out of the very bad enviornment that i was in. It wasnt the enviornment that was the problem, it was me so i understood where ever you go your problems go with you. A change of scenery would do me no good, if i wasnt willing to change. However i had turned my old living situation into a crack house, more or less.
As things started to change for me, and i racked up some sobriety, i began to face myself soberly...
I began to search out a better enviornment, that would allow me to grow as i was recovering.
I've made 2 relocations one in 2005, which didnt work out, and again recently in 2007, which im working on. It has been hard to be away from family support, and im definately facing myself in ways that i havent done since i began this journey. It's tough, in fact. The disease has come with me, and i had to get VERY involved in local AA both times i moved.
I'm not living in sober housing, but may make the move as times are tough, and its a bad time of year to locate jobs. It may have been easier to get into an oxford house, even at almost 4 years sober, with a program, etc.
It hasnt been easy.
If you do, i would definately recommend getting an oxford house while you get settled. If you decide to move.
For me , the reality that being in a new place without sober support and the fellowship, would be too much to handle. Its still tough with that support.
But lastly, i just wanted to let you know that i have realized just recently that some of the things that i have accepted as normal - like in terms of my upbringing, family type relationships and enviornment, and recovery; were things that i didnt have much choice but to accept as normal. Being sober has led me to growth, and changing my enviornment has helped me see that the world offeres me much more then what im surrounded with currently... So its been hard, but good for me. I've had a chance to evaluate my ideals, and discover better alternatives..But it also forced insecurities and fears to the surface, and without the program i would have drank.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,428
would you stop thinking about this if you moved, B2B?
I'm not sure you would.
I do know that a fresh start needs to be a fresh start - you'd need to knuckle down and deal with the drinking thing, or you'd end up exactly where you are now again - but without family and friends.
I wouldn't - it's not about where you live in my opinion, it's about how you're feeling about yourself and what you tend to do when dealing with that.
make sense ?
D
I'm not sure you would.
I do know that a fresh start needs to be a fresh start - you'd need to knuckle down and deal with the drinking thing, or you'd end up exactly where you are now again - but without family and friends.
I wouldn't - it's not about where you live in my opinion, it's about how you're feeling about yourself and what you tend to do when dealing with that.
make sense ?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I'm sorry for your pain - I too was sexually assaulted in my teens, and more than once. What happened was wrong, and not your fault. Having said that, what do you wish to accomplish by having this investigated? Do you wish to heal from this, or are you seeking revenge? Please be careful of your motives, and I urge you to use your energy towards healing yourself.
As a teen, and beyond, I always fantasized about moving away, or living in a cabin in the woods somewhere. I just didn't know how to cope, and I was depressed and in so much pain. It took years for me to seek help and to do what was suggested of me. I thought my family was the trouble, or my job, or my ex husband (when I was married). But - nothing has changed today except that I am sober. My circumstances haven't changed, but I have changed.
Keep it simple. Work on getting well, and then maybe start looking at other issues. I've seen young women your age come into AA and truly blossom. Please give it a try. The answer is closer than you think.
Ro
As a teen, and beyond, I always fantasized about moving away, or living in a cabin in the woods somewhere. I just didn't know how to cope, and I was depressed and in so much pain. It took years for me to seek help and to do what was suggested of me. I thought my family was the trouble, or my job, or my ex husband (when I was married). But - nothing has changed today except that I am sober. My circumstances haven't changed, but I have changed.
Keep it simple. Work on getting well, and then maybe start looking at other issues. I've seen young women your age come into AA and truly blossom. Please give it a try. The answer is closer than you think.
Ro
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: seattle
Posts: 468
good advice here.
I think its important to consider that the location or job or boyfriend is what will fix you. Recovery is an inside job, and if you get involved in recovery you'll be happier. AA has been a process of giving up short term "fixes" for long term lasting changes.
And i'll tell ya, someone said what is my reality. Without AA, i would be drunk 2500 miles away from home, with no one to turn to for support...
I think its important to consider that the location or job or boyfriend is what will fix you. Recovery is an inside job, and if you get involved in recovery you'll be happier. AA has been a process of giving up short term "fixes" for long term lasting changes.
And i'll tell ya, someone said what is my reality. Without AA, i would be drunk 2500 miles away from home, with no one to turn to for support...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I have lived in several states. Got Effed up in all of them. The BB talks about "geographic" cures. They don't work.
Whatever is wrong with your life, or whatever bad things have happened to you, is not the fault of the state of Indiana.
Keep focus on yourself, your recovery, what you are doing and who you are with.
Good luck.
Whatever is wrong with your life, or whatever bad things have happened to you, is not the fault of the state of Indiana.
Keep focus on yourself, your recovery, what you are doing and who you are with.
Good luck.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Hi B2B...
You know, i went for a personal retreat, all alone, cuz i thought getting away would change things. I went there, the pain was the same or worse, i ended up having a panic attack all alone..Learned my lesson. I will start over when i am ready emotionally....
For now i am building my foundations..
I do realize the dimension of what you have to deal with, i just hope you find a path of peace internally.. My prayers are with you.
You know, i went for a personal retreat, all alone, cuz i thought getting away would change things. I went there, the pain was the same or worse, i ended up having a panic attack all alone..Learned my lesson. I will start over when i am ready emotionally....
For now i am building my foundations..
I do realize the dimension of what you have to deal with, i just hope you find a path of peace internally.. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Are you sure you're not running away from yourself?
I went to live in a diffrent country this summer, only to realize within a couple of months that changing countys wasn't the asnwer to my problems.
I went to live in a diffrent country this summer, only to realize within a couple of months that changing countys wasn't the asnwer to my problems.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Mn
Posts: 48
For me,I only wanted to listen to the help and find out what needed to be done for me to stop drinking.I only wa ted to listen..However,After every conversations,I did not do what was reccomended.I was "unique" and 'My situation was differant".I moved to 5 differant states and lived in 5 differant countries and I always had a drinking situation but it was never my fault and didn't need to do what was reccomended.I spent 10 years of my life doing this.I finally stopped after many relapes.I stopped telling people what I need and listedned to what they had to say.I was amazed cuz these people in AA had been through exactly the same thing as me and they already knew the answer.I now wish I would have listened to them the first time..In my opinion,you don't need to move,or anyhting.You need to deal with your drinking situation.Being around friends and family may make this more comfortable to do,,rather than moving to a new city and having them a long ways away..I wouldn't have gotten sober if I did that..Prolly wouldn't have lived through it..
This is only my experience..Hope it helps..Happy Holidays..Steve
This is only my experience..Hope it helps..Happy Holidays..Steve
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